[granite1]

so last Friday my T had called and left a message that she was needing to cancel our session for Tuesday. she said she was fine but was going out of town and was not going to be available . i freaked (some of you might remember) i called her and left her a message saying that i did not know what was going on but if she no longer wanted to work with me that i wish she wouldn't do it this way that i wish that she would just tell me. i was freaking but i didn't think i was mean to her about it just freaking.it had been a horrible Friday with IRL people and my farther and when i got home late i herd it and just couldn't handle it.

i did not expect my T was going to be in her office at all this week and i never expected her to call me or anything .i think this is maybe the 3 rd time i have ever called her in almost 4 years. last time was when i walked out and had a week long freak out . this is the first time i used her direct confidential line to her office . her calling back was the last thing on my mind. i just wanted to somehow let her know that if she didn't want to work with me to just tell me and not keep cancelling sessions. i know complete mind reading.

on Monday the phone rings and the id said it was her office. i figured they were messed up and calling to reminding me of my appointment and it turned out to be my T. she asked if i wanted to come in and see her that day.i was hesitant and she told me the reason she will not be there Tuesday.

i started the session with saying i was so sorry for the call. that i had no idea why i had said yes to going yesterday and that i should have said no. she said that i definitely should not have said no. that this was the perfect time to address what was going on. i very rarely am able to talk about how i go at highway speed to thinking that someone hates me and that i am so horrible that no one could possible want anything to do with me. she didn't seem angry at all. she said that she doesn't usually share something so personal because it is not good boundaries in therapy but she felt that it was more important to see how i directly go to my default setting of i am horrible. i am not so sure how i feel about this .i am not one who cares for ignoring boundaries at all. i kind of like them. i didn't know how to respond to this. but i understood what she was trying to teach me. there are other reasons why someone may not be there for me or able to do something and it doesn't involve me being horrible. again she was not angry at all i just wish she could understand how quickly this goes on in my head. how convinced that someone means me harm.

she talked about how i had a horribly abusive childhood and that she understands where this is coming from but that i have choices now. that i can change how i think with practice . i don't know how to do that. i did tell her that things feel so real . i don't know how to just stop it .she has said this before and has not told me how to just stop it. she used the example of me calling her and leaving that message. she said i could have just sit back and breathed a little and maybe even smiled . because it can make you feel better. and to wait until the morning before i called .and then maybe have been more relaxed and be able to have her call me back and talk about what is going on.it was kind of nice to know that she is ok with me calling her . i expected that she was going to be so angry.

i was able to smile some and laugh a small amount about the situation . she thought that was good because she said that i can see that a part if how i am thinking is not ok and needs work. i just wish she could understand how convinced i am at times that what is in my head is honestly true. all in al a mellow session and her pointing out defective thinking i guess. but at the time what i probably needed to deal with.

Sounds wonderful and a step in a positive direction to be able to smile some. Very proud of you and you have yourself a good T... And you deserve to have that good T. I would use the hug smilies but I don't know how to use them from my ipad. lol so.. Hugs hugs and more hugs.

I'm glad your T responded in the way she did. I think this shows understanding and caring on her part. Good boundaries are important - but sometimes, like your T said, there are things that are MORE important than being strictly 'by the book'. There are a number of reasons why small boundary 'crossings' - like in this case telling you something personal - can actually be therapeutic and beneficial to the client and the client/T relationship. You say you have 'learned a lesson' in this... and I'd like to think this will increase your trust in your T, also.

[unaluna]

This is so great. I definitely overdid the boundaries with my t's handouts this morning. Maybe the point is more that it's automatic, not necessarily "real" or say true. But I got the wrong reaction on automatic. Like Pavlov's dog. But it is very hard to change. That's why it takes so frickin long.

[Wren_]

lots of good going on there granite

i kind of have a mixed reaction to part of what your t was saying ... with the choices and how you could have waited and breathed instead of calling etc ... i know when i'm badly triggered sometimes the safest choice is acting the way you did; and that if i don't things get a lot worse .... i know it would be preferable to do the waiting and that it is great we can learn that as an option and practice it ... maybe there are stages though? as in, building up to that stage she mentioned

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

lots of good going on there granite

i kind of have a mixed reaction to part of what your t was saying ... with the choices and how you could have waited and breathed instead of calling etc ... i know when i'm badly triggered sometimes the safest choice is acting the way you did; and that if i don't things get a lot worse .... i know it would be preferable to do the waiting and that it is great we can learn that as an option and practice it ... maybe there are stages though? as in, building up to that stage she mentioned

I agree! I think it is great that you met with your T and that you are feeling better and have more clarity. But I agree with Tigergirl..it is hard to wait until the next day when you are feeling really bad and triggered. For me I know that I would be feeling a whole lot worse if I let stuff fester until the next day. Hopefully we are developing the skills to take us to a place where we can calm ourselves down and let stuff hold until the following day.

[tealBumblebee]

Aww thats so perfect! I'm glad it all worked out that way and I think your T did a great job in showing that she was available, accepting and responsive to your needs. =] Good luck on continuing the positive thinking! I'd even suggest maybe printing out this post and placing it by your phone (or in reach) to reflect on if you find yourself in the situation again. These are your words, your experience and a positive step in the right direction - good for you!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I'm glad your T responded in the way she did. I think this shows understanding and caring on her part. Good boundaries are important - but sometimes, like your T said, there are things that are MORE important than being strictly 'by the book'. There are a number of reasons why small boundary 'crossings' - like in this case telling you something personal - can actually be therapeutic and beneficial to the client and the client/T relationship.

I very much agree with this. I still feel Madame T clung too hard to her boundaries. Telling her so only made her more stubborn.

[granite1]

hey guys thanks for all the support. I don't think my T was telling me I shouldn't call her .in fact I think she was glad I did. I feel hugely vulnerable about it .when she was talking about waiting until the morning to call her it was in the context of being able to slow myself down and be able to change my thinking . I didn't think that she thought I was crossing some boundary but I am starting to think maybe it was about that. I don't call her often but she acted like it was ok for me to do so.

Granite...I think you should go with your original gut feeling which was that she was telling you that you could learn with time and practice to challenge your thinking and calm your mind... And then call and check with her when you could talk to each other and not have to leave messages....

I suspect that was why your T wanted to meet with you because she was happy you called and checked instead of keeping it all inside...

[WikidPissah]

(((chickie)))
So glad it worked out well. I don't think your T was saying not to call, I think you had it right to begin with. She wants you to breathe first and realize you are hitting the panic button. Slow yourself down so you don't jump from "I need to cancel" TO "I don't want to work with you". That mind reading crap gets us all in so much trouble.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

(((chickie)))
So glad it worked out well. I don't think your T was saying not to call, I think you had it right to begin with. She wants you to breathe first and realize you are hitting the panic button. Slow yourself down so you don't jump from "I need to cancel" TO "I don't want to work with you". That mind reading crap gets us all in so much trouble.

it can tend to do that cant it .and it tends to annoy my T

[stopdog]

More than annoying the therapist, it looks like a great deal of unpleasantness for you to go through for something that is not true.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by stopdog

More than annoying the therapist, it looks like a great deal of unpleasantness for you to go through for something that is not true.

Exactly...who cares what it does to the T. I hate seeing YOU go thru all that torture.

[Hopelesspoppy]

Originally Posted by granite1

hey guys thanks for all the support. I don't think my T was telling me I shouldn't call her .in fact I think she was glad I did. I feel hugely vulnerable about it .when she was talking about waiting until the morning to call her it was in the context of being able to slow myself down and be able to change my thinking . I didn't think that she thought I was crossing some boundary but I am starting to think maybe it was about that. I don't call her often but she acted like it was ok for me to do so.

I think she did a great job. She basically said that censoring/checking yourself in response to stressful situations is generally a good thing, but then went on to reassure you that you are safe with her. BRAVI!