Going in patient

That was really kind of T.

What helps you rest?

lol ativan

that's basically it. They gave me a notebook and I've been trying to keep myself sane by writing down everything I see to keep me out of my head. I swear, being in here will make me actually crazy.

It'll be better in the long run growli! I hope they get you started on DBT soon

Are you drawing stuff too?

I hope you're ok.

I'm going completely insane. This place is no place to be for anyone who has any level of remaining cognitive functioning. The only thing to do here is lie in bed and crap yourself. I'm alone to my own thoughts for so many hours that I start having crazy flashbacks. The problem is that the only way to get attention from the nurses is to literally crap the bed or start yelling at someone.

I don't have any clue how I'm going to get through tomorrow so I can talk to my psychiatrist on Monday to hopefully get discharged. No, I know exactly how I'm going to get through the day. I'm going to have a moderately difficult night, then a fairly easy morning, then start having flashbacks/going completely stir crazy until bed. I can break it up with meds but this is absolute torture. No one should be left alone to think about stuff for so long, especially not people who don't know how to regulate the intense pain associated with flashbacks without self harm. This is essentially prison and I don't feel like I did anything to deserve losing my rights to see the damn sun in the morning. I'll do whatever the **** the psychiatrist tells me I need to do. I just need to get the **** out of here before I actually go insane like many of the people in here.

Well nobody forced you to SI or go to the ER did they? You had Ativan at home and havn´t been following up on your T´s suggestion about DBT before. Life is all about choices I think it´s kind of disrespectfull calling the other patients insane. They may actually need to be in there, not just because they are lonely or need to punish their T for not being around 24/7. If you want attention from the nurses, just ask them to come talk to you, because you´re distressed, I am sure they will understand until you get out from there on Monday. But again, I am not sure you´ll ever find people who can fix/ safe you or be around 24/7.

It sounds like it's really hard for you to be there. They don't allow a lot of choice and all there is for you to do is sit with yourself. And this is very hard, and you get flasbacks. And you could take meds, but they bring a whole other set of problems. And you aren't real good at regulating your pain so you want to SI. You didn't do anything wrong, and you didn't hurt anyone, so you don't think you should have to be there, and you really really want out. Is that it? If so, it makes sense, being controlled in ways you don't like, without a lot of options, and not able to self-sooth, and it's really hard. It's very painful.
I hope things get better for you. It sounds really tough, and like you don't have anybody there with you. Does it feel like that?

Don't lose sight of how bad you felt outside the hospital. On Monday--use the resources avalable to figure out your next steps--is dbt enough? Do you have a plan in place with your T so you can connect better next time things get this bad? Can the social worker give you options in case your mom cuts you off OR you want to be rid of your parent's crazy antics?

You are in a place where they could help you explore your options--take advantage of it while you can.

As the "other" Growly said, use your time to your advantage. Do you not meet with someone--psychiatric nurse, intern, somebody daily? Can you request this? Something you're going to have to face and deal with is that you act out by cutting. You were angry with your T, and in a swirl of painful feelings, you cut badly enough to need stitches. On some level you may have done this in order to be taken seriously--but now you're not taking yourself seriously. You have a safe opportunity to reach out and deal with some of these feelings--don't waste it. If life outside IP is so great, why did you cut? If you minimize what's happening inside you, you will just repeat the cycle.

You know, you write as if you are in almost complete denial that you sliced yourself open and caused yourself, due to your own mental health issues, to land in the psychiatric ward. You write as is "they" are the ones with all the problems; "they" are the "insane" ones. "They" are the ones who lack "cognitive functioning." I hate to tell you, but YOU are there because YOU were enough out of your right mind to want to die, to want to seriously harm yourself, to want to get the attention of others in a very inappropriate manner. You need to face the reality that YOU need as much help as "they" do.

If you need to speak with a nurse, you need to pull your nurse aside as ask appropriately for what you need. Asking inappropriately for what you need is what landed you where you are in the first place. You probably have a doctor or case worker/social worker/nurse, etc. who handles your case. Find out who that person is and speak to him/her about what you need.

Arrange for DBT and a pdoc to see when you are discharged. Does your hospital offer groups/classes during the day? Are you attending them regularly?

I just get this sinking feeling when I read your posts that nothing is going to change for you when you get out because a) you are in denial that anything is really THAT wrong with you and b) you are still unable to ask for help appropriately and effectively and c) you are still saying everyone else is doing this to you and that you have no power to change your life. I hope I am hearing you wrong. Otherwise, you will discharge and go back to isolating, self-harming, etc. and start this whole cycle all over again (and end up back in the hospital again with probably great regularity). Somewhere down the line you will decide to actually make real changes in your life and your approach to life; I'm just getting the feeling this isn't going to be that time. I hate to see that.

.
All hospitals are like this on the weekend. There is no therapy, there is no art therapy, etc. If cognitively capable, most people use the time to rest, reflect and think about goals towards getting better. Patients that yell at the nurses, are rude to the staff, cause problems, etc are usually the ones that staff get tired of and treatment reflects that, in an inpatient setting. Nurses are not there to babysit you.

You can clean up your own crap, goto the bathroom. A staff member doesn't want to take care of you, that is not their job.

Insane people? Is cutting yourself so that you need stitches not insane? Are you "better" than the other people in there? Maybe some have organic disorders or brain chemistry problems (bipolar, schizophrenia), maybe some are abuse survivors too. Insane? You are there too.

You seemingly are bright enough to make choices about your life, but it seems you make alot of excuses. "I can't leave my abusive parents, because I will get cut off financially," "I can't find another T because I don't have the money and can't tell my parents.," "I went to the hospital and it is a waste," etc.

The statement about your T is striking: You are not mad at your T anymore because she came to visit you? Think about that. Why? You were mad before because she apparently "did nothing" but she comes to visit and you are not mad anymore. A rescue fantasy? A good-mom fantasy?

You made the choice to goto the ER for stitches. Many "cutters" don't, even with severe harm.
You are screaming RESCUE ME....
... the only person going to rescue you, is you, and you are doing everything to avoid it.

This is the growlithing to cultivate and encourage. The one who takes responsibility for making the best of every situation, including being IP. The one who can right her life and make her mark in the world.

Growli, dear heart. Your mom trained you to believe you are powerless. In order to survive, you had to agree to those conditions: mom is all-powerful, you are completely lacking in any kind of agency or self direction at all. But you are not a child anymore, and you don't have to transfer that contract to the rest of the world.

You may not feel ready to separate financially; I understand that, it's a big step, and frightening, especially since you worry about losing your schooling, which is very important to you.

But there are many ways to take back your power. The first, and most important, is to read carefully the posts from FKM, Tollhouse, and Chris. Then read them again. Inside those posts is the key to your rescue--YOU.

Take it one little bit at a time. You're in the hospital because you acted out and "they" responded by protecting you from yourself. Take this time to think hard, and realize that by expecting someone else to fix this you are just re-enacting your powerlessness with your mom. Take back that power, and start making decisions for yourself (as Bill said, you have that power within you). Knock off the self-pity and the blame, and save yourself.

We will all be here to cheer you on and help with suggestions. Do it!

It isn't easy being in a place with unfamiliar routines and nothing apparent to do.

Have you asked for something to do? Do they have books available?

Try drawing in your notebook as suggested. Draw a place you would like to be right now.

I think you've received a lot of great advice here, so I won't add much, other than to say that regardless of our own individual experiences, we have to choose to change ourselves. No one else can do it for us. If you want things to be different, then YOU have to change. It's hard and you might backtrack, but keep stepping forward.

Wishing you much love and hugs.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time there.

As far as alternatives to being in bed, I've done some work on inpatient units in different hospitals, and have found all of them to offer group therapy (often more than once a day) and other activities as well (art, etc.). Have you been able to participate in these activities?

You're right. I was just noticing this in my journal earlier. I constantly try to separate myself from the other people in here and I think the reason is that I'm desperately trying to convince myself that I'm not crazy. Kind of hard to do when you put yourself in the hospital by cutting open your arm. But it isn't fair of me to call everyone in this unit "crazy" or any less than me just because they also need help. I need to find a way to feel better about myself that doesn't involve trying to prove myself to be better than anyone else. I don't even think that statement applies solely to my experience here. I think I do this a lot.

I am asking for help now. No one is in on the weekends meaning no group therapy, no psychiatrists, nothing. Just the nurses and me. A psychiatrist did come in today just to check in with us. She told me that I need to ask for help because my treatment team needs to understand the frequency of my flashbacks/anxiety attacks/what not. I have been seeking help now whenever I am feeling overwhelmed. Consequently, I didn't have any urges to cut today. I think the medications they are trying on me helped. I have been sure to know what meds they are giving me so I can tell my psychiatrist tomorrow exactly what worked.

Please don't think that this isn't the time. If this wasn't the time, I wouldn't have gone to the hospital and I can tell you that with 100% certainty. The cut I made wasn't so severe that it absolutely needed medical attention. I went in because it scared me, I actually couldn't get myself to stop cutting, and I know I need to be stopped now before it gets worse. No one took me here. I made the decision of my own accord to come to the hospital, get treated, and to tell the truth about what happened. I wanted to go home Weds night, but in my heart I knew I shouldn't be released and I did not lie to keep myself out of here. My posts here might seem like I'm not fighting and I'm just wallowing in self pity all day, but I made that post last time when I was feeling desperate. I don't normally make posts when I'm feeling strong and feel like fighting.

I am keeping a journal and I'm reflecting on everything, especially on moments when I feel triggered, feel like cutting, or need to take some anxiety medications. I know I need a problem and I know I need help. I'm trying to get it. It's just really painfully difficult.

I'm trying to not make as many excuses anymore. I asked the social worker to put me in contact with a new pdoc and DBT groups despite whatever my ****** mom might say about it. I also never said it was a waste to be here. I said it was boring as hell and really difficult to be left alone to my thoughts for hours and hours.

I thought about that and it is weird that I would suddenly stop being angry at her when I was originally feeling like she wasn't doing her job. To be honest, I'm not sure if I was angry with her to begin with. Maybe I was. I told her I was in serious danger and not safe and she didn't send me here. Maybe I was testing to see if she cared enough to make this decision for me and she failed. Ultimately, I needed to do this on my own. But maybe I do have some sort of "good mom" complex because the second I was in the ER, I wanted her to be there with me because I was scared.

Avoiding getting help would be me lying to get out of here. I'm being extremely cooperative with the staff. I've not argued with them or tried to escape or disobey them or refused to take care of myself or anything. I wouldn't want to insult my integrity like that, plus they already have plenty of rowdy patients to worry about.

Grow- Two weeks ago yesterday, I was sitting there in a gown, freezing, and frightened myself.
I had to wait for a place to be put as well. The waiting is the worse. It's great they're letting you keep your phone (or whatever you're posting with). I hope where you are going you can get some help. I did. I am so much better now.
I'm thinking of you, little thing.

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growli - your last two posts are really encouraging and are showing what we're all hoping for you!

Are you allowed to talk to any of the other patients? If so, maybe some of them would be worth your while to get to know a little bit; you could possibly help each other out. Or at least have a pleasant random chat about something insubstantial like a TV show.

You're all right. A huge portion of my problems are that I am trying as hard as I possibly can to run away from my essential truth: I believe that I am not good enough. I don't believe I am good enough to grow up and be an adult and I'm so afraid of proving myself right that I rely on my T and actually my mother to protect me from the real world. I don't take over my own finances because I don't believe I'm intelligent enough to do so, I don't reach out for help because I don't believe I'm knowledgeable enough to find the help I need, and I don't easily accept the fact that I need to be here because accepting that would mean that I am accepting that something is wrong with me.

I am only requiring my T to comfort me and I have this wild fantasy of her just swooping in and fixing all of my problems like a mother comforting a crying baby. That isn't the real world and I'm going to just have to accept that.

I even know that this belief isn't something I constructed. This is my mother's idea that she planted in my head to ensure that I would be under her control. I'm letting it work and because of this mindset, I'm no more trapped in this psych unit than I am out in the real world.

We are all rooting for you.

Growli - it's never too late to rebel against your mom's brainwashing. You can do it! (Personally, I decided at one point what I wanted to work myself towards. Then I decided that the things that were in my way could just go f*** off. Those things were mostly my family!)

The real world can be a whoooole lot better than the world your mom's created. If nothing else, the real world gives you some freedom and choice. And those count for a lot, IMHO!

We believe that you are good enough.

We know that you are good enough.

We are looking forward to you proving it to yourself and to the world.

Everything doesn't have to be either or: I must be a failure or I fix everything tomorrow. You can be capable in some areas, and less capable in others. Nothing is fated, it's all subject to change. There may even come a time when you accept that there just may be some good in your parents. Yeah, I know that feels like a stretch right now, and that's OK. Maybe start with your T: she can be supportive yet not fulfill your perfect Mom fantasy. You can take a few steps forward, and a step backwards doesn't mean anything more than that you're not perfect: join the club. It doesn't end the game.