How do you help somebody that suffers Pathological Lying?

I think somebody really close to me is suffering from this, but none of us (family) knows how to aproach the issue.
Any ideas!!!

I would guess it depends on the reason they do that..

Is it so they don't get in trouble?
Is it because they have some kind of memory problem?
Is it because they are having trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality?
If they are pulled up will they fess up or continue to deny?

Therapy, I guess.

Special-K, I've been researching a little and what I find out it's not really nice; and it make sense to the things I've senn her do.
Sometimes it's like she can refrain herself of the lie, it just comes to her mouth and she needs to say it, even when everybody around knows is a lie.
It seems that the main reason for soembody to do this, is to gain power, it can be also for money or sex....check, check, check!!
Anyway, I feel bad seen this and not doing anything, so how do I aproch it to her without hurting her? That's the big questions.

Confronting, however gentle might not be met with good results. However, it is necessary if you wish to continue a relationship. Private confrontation is best at first... if they really can't see what you're saying, and others also care about them, then a larger intervention might help.

Start small. Choose something verifiable. (Do you have them on a message they left for you on the phone? i.e.) When they say something you doubt, like a date they will go with you etc... say to them, I'm writing that down now..and pull out a calendar and write it down. Then, if they lie about it later, you can remind them. Just a few suggestions, hopefully you will think of more. TC

That sounds like a sticky situation biplol. I think if you confront her you should reassure her before that you are doing this out of love... and then leave her to think about what you said. Don't give her a chance to explain or lie about it again!!!! Let her come to you later on if she wants to talk agian.

> Special-K, I've been researching a little and what I find out it's not really nice

There is a lot of information on the internet... Some of it is helpful and some of it is judgemental.

Intent needs to be assessed and not assumed.

> Sometimes it's like she can refrain herself of the lie, it just comes to her mouth and she needs to say it, even when everybody around knows is a lie.

What sorts of lies does she tell?
Has anyone pulled her up on the lies in front of you?
How did she respond to that?

> It seems that the main reason for soembody to do this, is to gain power, it can be also for money or sex....

What sorts of lies does she tell for you to think she is lying to obtain those things?

It might be about... Her feeling insecure. Like she needs to lie to get her needs met. If that is the function of her lying (and intention needs to be carefully assessed and not assumed) then it sounds like she could benefit from learning alternative ways to get her needs met.

If you tell someone to 'stoppit' without providing alternative ways for them to get their needs met then it is likely to leave them feeling pretty bad about themselves and isn't likely to help them particularly...

(((Sky)))(((Tanya)))(((Special-K)))
It's all and everyhting you guys said, it's sticky and so hard to deal with.
I'm not the only one that knows she lies, the main problem is that her husband won't let eanybody even talk to her about, he gets all defencive instead of help her thru this.
I can see that sometimes she just wants to be liked by people, so she offers them everything, but when she can't deliver, that becomes a problem.
The only good thing is that we don't live really close, and I'm sorry to sound selfish, but at this point it helps my menthal health.
I even thought about an intervention, but I don't know how many of us would get the guts to actually do it.
Anyway, Thank you so much!

> I can see that sometimes she just wants to be liked by people, so she offers them everything, but when she can't deliver, that becomes a problem.

Ah.

I guess... Her husband is trying to protect her. Therapy could help. But if you confronted her... It might just hurt her and make her feel bad.

Does it help if you kind of... Don't have expectations about her following through on promises and the like? I imagine it must be really hard... But sometimes... The best we can do is accept people for who they are. Also... If you do that then she might not feel the need to lie / talk herself up so much.

Special-K that is what, I think, everybody without saying a word to her, is doing; which by the way is pretty sad; becuase I know she can also be a great person, I've known her for 15 years now and it hurts when I hear soembody say, "...... (person name) is not who I think she was"; becuase I want to help her.
Also, looking at this as pathological, she doesn't change it, even when you can tell she can see the reality, she just lie on the smallest things, it's absurd soemtimes.
Somedays I think soembody is gonna go off on her, and then I think, well, let's see what happens now...

Sometimes there's not much difference? She may not know when she's crossing the line and others may not care and just call it all "lying."

I wouldn't worry about her behavior as much as my own; I'd state things when talking to her based on what I knew as truth. It doesn't matter what she is "trying to do" with her lies, that's up to her. I'd just make sure I was straight with who I am and what I want and say. If her husband is "protecting" her, that means he's "accepting" and being manipulated in some way by her and that's what she wants. There's nothing one can do about that. If behavior is rewarded in the way we want, it's almost impossible to change, even if we want to change it? Lying can become a habit, almost an "addiction" and if there are no negative consequences, then it's not going to change because your friend is not going to want to change it enough.

I would not worry so much about hurting someone else who is hurting you; especially if she is getting away with it. Always state your own truth, but only when she's talking directly with you; not your problem when she's talking with someone else. Other people's lives, health and happiness rely on us being who we are and stating our truths. We are "mirrors" for them so they can see themselves better. It's not one person's job to change another person's behavior but it is the first person's to reflect how another's behavior comes accross and affects them.

(((perna))) So true!!! Thank you so much!

Maybe they are scared, or confused about what is going on around them, NOT LYING!

I have a cousin that is a Pathological liar. I don't even see her anymore. She was dangerious. I think she did it because it gave her the only power she saw that had a big impact on people.

She was known to get back at her friends by making up lies about them, sometimes going to the police and would act out the lie to the end. Very scary girl. It gave her a lot of power to ruin someones life, the wrong power though.

I don't think anyone I know talks to her anymore. She had a daughter who I heard is now doing the same things her mom does. Sad.

How do you approach them? They know exactly what they are doing if you ask me. My cousin did.

I think sometimes people lie because they are so insecure with the real them...It is their way of being more important or gaining friends because they feel so bad about themselves...I had a girlfriend once who did this...Always telling lies to others about what she did and always sounding so important...I just let her have her day...I knew it was a lie but you know...I couldn't rain on her parade...As long as it didn't hurt anybody else I let her go...! Not sure if this reaction was the right one but I think she felt so bad about the real her that she had to make up these stories to feel better about herself!

I had a friend who I now think was probably a pathological liar. We met when I was taking my A Levels at a Technical College.... she was taking a business course part time. At the age of 18 and 19 we went out a lot, to parties etc..... it was fun. But I always knew she sometimes (often) lied or exaggerated. We stayed in contact for about 8 years.... but when I felt she still hadn't changed (and seemed very happy not to change) I just let the friendship go. She was also quite "selfish".... she was very extravert and appeared confident, but I think deep down she was very insecure. I think that was the reason for her lies.....

insecurites can, indeed, cause lots of misdeeds......p

They can, and many of us here are insecure..... some disguise it, some don't. Hopefully we are all working to be "less" insecure. (I know I am) Also I don't think that people who are insecure necessarily "commit" misdeeds. Some do. Some do not. Just my opinion...

One day at a time....

Interesting thread.....

Fuzzy

I agree...insecurity doesn't always mean misdeeds...to me my insecurity means depression and social phobia...neither misdeeds...but hurtful to me!