couch 63 the fall line

Thanks - I don't think they are being mean. Just that I can be a bit inscrutable looking and my syntax and delivery can be clipped (from what people tell me).

I do love Wodehouse - particularly the Bertie and Jeeves stories.

yes and I am waiting for the Xanax to kick in. I said nothing .everything felt wrong I swear she does this on purpose. moves the chair back in the corner, came and got me 10 min late because I showed up 3 min late saying she looked for me early .bull crap. and the first thing out of her mouth was not seeing you next week. she said I am reacting to her review the last time we met and the fact that we were not meeting again . she just don't get how I feel at all the office terrorized me. sitting in the corner .I did tell her it all felt like she was trying to torcher me. she said sorry and that it was not the case . it all just seems to fit together .I don't want her to hurt me. I kind of went off on her because I asked her if she would tell me if she didn't want me to come back here. and she asked why would I even think such a thing that it was completely ludicrous and off the wall. that did not make me feel good at all and it wasn't an answer. I kind of raised my voice and said it was a simple answer .it was a yes or no and why couldn't she just answer it.i was so hurt. she said to ask her again and when I pulled myself together I asked again and she said yes I would. she said now that she answered with an honest and direct answer she said that I owe her an answer . what has got you upset? I said that everything feels horrible here again and it does feel like you are torturing me that things did not feel ok at all and they were different . she went back and said that there were things changed and she was different (she talked) when she got me and I just seem completely out of place .IT also was the stupid chair put in the corner again that I cant seem o say anything about because I firmly believe for some reason when she does this she wants me there

I think I knew what you mean but I don't see why people use stereotypes to illustrate. why the military? Why not something else.

Xanax love this new med I just don't care

Does the military example upset you? I find that stereotypes exist for a reason. And I was raised by military parents. And spent a great deal of time in bands run on a bit of a military type fashion.

Also, I have very short hair. I actually think they are teasing with me. I was relating it as a sort of funny thing based on CE's question about me smiling.

I find it funny because they do not allow my son to travel in any military clothing at all.in fact he wears a suit. but you sure cant hide that military high and tight . she says who the heck do they think they are fooling everything except my close say marine lol

Granite - is there anything the therapist could do to convince you the chair has nothing to do with you? Aside from remembering to move it which might be ideal, but does not seem probable for this therapist. Could you just ask - should the chair be where you don't like it when you walk in- if it could be moved before spiraling out? It would take some effort for you I know, but it might help to keep you from feeling this bad after the appointment

Sorry I have something against the military. Not iniviuals in the military just the military in general. I unerstand the the whole thing but I don't.

wow I see

Well that is the other funny part for me. My demeanor not withstanding, it would be only a matter of minutes before I was thrown in the stockade or brig etc should I have ever thought to try to join. My dad used to tease me that I would be thrown in even before my first salute.
My belief system and my demeanor may not match up completely.

I wish I could but I think she wants me there .something about her boundaries. hell she has only seen me for 40 min every other week you wouldn't think it would be so horrible for her. now she is gone she use to just take the Monday after a holiday now it seems she works Monday is now taking Tuesday or both,whatever I am not liking or trusting her much now anymore

no I don't see that ever hapening

Regardless of whether you think she wants you there, it does not mean you have to be there. If you don't ask, or just tell her you are moving the chair - I don't think you can know for sure. Or at least get her to explain. The time thing is odd because how much time are you paying for? You really do get to question her on these things. You have hired her, you have a right to know and to not be charged for time you are not getting.

I get so overwhelmed I cant seem to say anything. in fact I shut right down big time after I raised my voice a bit. I think it angered her a bit. I don't know I am just feeling horrible about it all. at one point the phone rang and I figured it was the next person so I did ask if it was time for me to leave and she seemed to get angry at me for that saying .you know it isn't granite you just got here(it seemed I was there forever)and you know I don't ever answer the phone when it rings (so) it is only 330do you really want to sit her in complete silence. we have been here before and it isn't good for you to do this. and in a few min she said you are going to leave here without saying anything and are eventually going to want to talk with me and I wont be around. that sounds miserable. is that what you want. What I wanted to say was that I promise not to call or e-mail or anything ,she didn't have to worry . that hurt it isn't like I stock her or anything .god I will be so sure to leave her the F.U.C.K alone I really don't want to talk to her or anyone IRL and if my husband asks what is wrong one more time im off to a hotel

oh and this was all that was said in the whole session

I totally picture you as looking like my friend who was in the military and who hates comedy. You're both very hippy-dippy crunchy granola. She is totally great.

I do like comedy.
Sometimes I think I am obviously playing but it seems I think I am being over the top obvious and it still it a bit too dry for others to know (not like we have not seen that here).

Not at all. I love the horse analogy. I think it really crystallizes or captures the emotional experience. The wariness, the delicateness of the dance. Words can get in the way of feeling. Or you can get stuck at the word level. But with an animal, it's not an option. You have to believe what's happening in front of your eyes. Interesting.

Okay, one too many "not's" in there for me to figure out! I only mentioned she doesnt like comedy because hello im a comedian and 2 who doesnt like comedy? It's what makes us human etc etc. So I am skeptical but i take her statement as is. It fascinates me that someone would identity that way.

It is not like I have not had the experience of thinking I was obviously kidding on this forum but come to find others think I was being serious.

I find it odd that someone would say they don't like comedy without more explanation. Is that different from sense of humor?

It seems my demeanor here is also a bit clipped and dry.

SD You are definitely an acquired taste, talking from an Antipodean point of view.

Granite, before you ever went to this session today, you said you were feeling disconnected from your T and you predicted you weren't going to talk. You have done that before with similar results; kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You are so determined that no one can like you or support you or help you, that you keep pushing her away. Your T wasn't saying you can't contact her. Your T was saying that you need to talk to her about what is bothering you when you have her in front of you because when you don't, you stew about it and turn it into the worst, twisted scenario your mind can muster. Your T knows that and is trying to get you to be proactive and communicate outwardly so that you don't turn it all inward and implode the minute you leave her office.

I get anxious around people I can't read.

((Granite))

I'm sorry you were hurt. But I'm pleased you feel strong enough to challenge your T in this way. You've come a long way!

I find that good boundaries can be intimidating. It does look like anger sometimes. I often used to think that Madame T was angry even though she denied it. If you're not angry, let me in. Lower your boundaries. But she never did.

SPECULATION:

I speculate that your T was thrilled to hear you raise your voice. "Now we're getting somewhere!"

But one worth acquiring!