couch 63 the fall line

I'm lying in bed reading the couch on my phone. Lol. Morning started with an argument with my H so I'm just lying here trying to regroup and try to find the energy to get up and face the day.

This is so insightful, Ready. It's been awesome reading about your progress. It might not always feel like progress, but from outside the situation, it sure looks like progress to me. You're always going to slip back sometimes, but it's truly inspiring to see how much you have invested in continuing to try to move forward.

Can you go talk to H and work it out? It might make the rest of your day better.

We talked it out and he finally apologized but I just feel drained. I was up from 3 am on with nightmares anyway so I was already exhausted.

I agree with Sally that your progress is so nice to see. I hope it continues.

Thanks SallyBrown and MKAC... My H has done things that anyone would feel I am justified in being very very angry with...

But its taken me a long time for me to realize it was okay for me to be angry about it... that it was wrong and that I deserved better. But I am choosing to move forward with the marriage.

Part of that was realizing what my anger, defensiveness, past wounds play out in my behavior and the affect that has on my marriage... Right now its really akward in that both my H and I are going to individual counseling and with both of us trying to change sometimes we step on each others toes... It will take some time and work ... but mostly I've learned if I can't keep the walls of the fortress at least lowered I will never get what I want from the relationship.

T2 is having me work on accepting H's offer to carry in groceries or to carry my laundry upstairs...
why does that feel like a shift in power?...

When I tried to figure out why that was so hard I heard my mother saying her mantra she said my whole childhood in my head... "Dont ever let yourself become dependent on a man"

(((MKAC))).... I'm sorry about the nightmares... that really stinks..

ready it is awsom that you are working so hard at being able to figure out how to work together with your husband .great insights

Ready-
My momster always would say "you do not need a man".

T is in less than an hour.

Kirby hope your T session is helpful.

(((Granite)))

I wish you could see yourself the way we see you... because then you would know that your T doesn't not like you and isn't trying to purposely get rid of you or punish you.

But I do get that those feelings are triggered and happen like on autopilot... but if you could hold on to the good part just long enough to challenge that thinking... tell yourself that is the past talking and I'm choosing not to listen today.

I was too blown away to inquire further. I think I'm afraid of the answer. Anything that follows from that opening statement can't be good - omg I think she sounded like my mother. I love her, but I know there is something that gets in the way of our friendship. On my part, I mean. I would feel intimidated. It was getting better lately, seeing this t. Again, interesting.

Great insight. I mean really really great. How could you get ready for church on time with that in your head?? Or do anything? But it's not about blaming her - it's just realizing what the messages are in your head that you're obeying without even hearing anymore. I guess that's why they try to push mindfulness as a cure - to get us to think. But to think and to hear the past are two different things.

she said so much. I did hear that one of the reasons she said that she does the reviews is that she cares about her work and my progress and if she is helping me . do you think that was a round about way of her saying that she cares about me? she said she would not do horrible things to get me to not want to come see her anymore.

Yes Granite... I think she is telling you that she cares about helping you and is not using it as a way to get rid of you. I think from how you explain your T, that if she didn't want to work with you that she would just tell you.

It was very caring of her to say that you would wish you had talked in session and that you will have a bad time of it later. This to me shows that she actually does understand some of how you feel and the effect it has on you.

I wish you could just let down the walls enough to say... the chair really bothers me so I'm going to move it or to question her... But I know it has to do with your ability on any given day to not listen to the "messages" from the past.

ETA... don't let my wishes for you... to diminish all the changes you have made... those of us who have been on PC for a while now really can see the changes.

So my T says that we are at a "life altering" stage of therapy, and thinks that is part of the reason I have been flailing around emotionally so much in the relationship. I am not sure whether he is being melodramatic or not, but it certainly feels huge. I am having this conflict between not wanting to monopolize the couch by posting about it and it feeling really unsafe to post it on the general forum, but really needing to talk about it.

MKAC... monopolize away (which you wouldn't be doing) or PM me... I'd love to hear about this stage...

i bumped into one of my Ts other clients today, for the first time. She was pretty and thinner than me.
This has really given me (and my ED) an extra boost of paranoia (i'm not thin enough, my T wont take me seriously because i'm not thin enough, i dont really have an Ed i'm just weak and pathetic).

*sobs*..i hate this.

talk away MKAC maybe we can help but at the very least you can vent and get it off your mind for a bit

I think I've mentioned that I've been struggling and wanting to quit, and being really reactive. I went into this whole tailspin after the big fight with my mother. We kept talking about that and how I wanted to quit with him because of my discomfort with the relationship and I just have to end things with him anyway at some point so might as well do it now and this is just how my life is and I need to accept it and I don't deserve anything else anyway, blah blah blah.

So last week, we were discussing the dissociation thing, and for whatever reason, I finally blurted out one of the deep dark horrible disgusting things I hide about myself. He reacted with total compassion and tenderness. I didn't know what to do with that and/or didn't believe it and ended up calling him in total distress and then emailing and then felt horrible and needy about that.

Oh, and the week before last week, he had shared something private about himself and his relationship with his wife that made me realize that maybe I am not getting things I need NOT because I am defective, but just because really nobody gets everything they need from one relationship.

Then last weekend, I saw his wife at this volunteer thing we did, and she is thin and pretty and probably totally emotionally healthy. And I could not let go of that. So, Tuesday, I was discussing with a friend what I should cover in therapy, there were a list of topics that I knew I should cover but didn't want to, but emailed it to him anyway.

In covering those topics, he talked about how I am just slowly dragging out telling him little by little things about myself that I think are horrible. He asked me to just go ahead and tell him the worst thing about me -- that we were doing this in dribbles and with each thing that I seem to think that THIS is the thing that will make him not love me, but that THIS thing will never arrive. He urged me again to just TELL him, or even make up something horrible to tell him. I absolutely could not do it. I just cannot seem to do the whole rip off the bandage thing.

((MKAC))... I really get the not knowing what to do with compassion... reverting to thinking you dont' deserve it and then that its not real... and feeling so in a tail spin...

((MKAC)) Of course you can't seem to do the rip off the bandage thing.... you are still testing that he is going to be there .... a leap of faith is hard...

this could be very true chris. I did feel very disconnected to her .it seems it will stay that way.

it may have been a self fulfilling prophecy. to protect myself .especially when she said she will not be there again next week. I shouldn't give a crap it is wrong. I do know that in these few weeks I am going to be giving a lot of thought to my T and if it is doing me more harm then good .kind of let sleeping dogs lie so to say

It's been over three years. I should know by now. The other day on the phone, he said something about it being okay to call just to be sure he was still there, and he is there and available. I had NOT called to be sure he's still there. I KNOW that. I was mortified that he thought that was why I was calling and then pissed at myself that I was all warm and fuzzy inside with him just saying, "I'm here."