couch 63 the fall line

MKAC... I hope you can keep pressing forward even though it might feel wrong or too much....

MKAC... knowing with you head and knowing with your heart are two totally different things. there is head knowledge and there is EXPERIENCING IT" and you are working on letting yourself experience something different...

(just theory here)

Thanks, Ready. I do have a huge gap right now between what I know is true and what I feel is true. sigh.

I bet with time and trying it out you might start to believe that he is there and does not think bad of you MKAC .it takes practice .even my T says that.

did I mention that it is warm tea weather

I talked to T2 about if she would be willing to do marriage counseling for us. She said she could do that but that H and I would have to both make sure we were both comfortable. More talking to come...

But we did come to this conclusion...H is not comfortable with me seeing her as an individual while seeing her for MC and that in order to afford I would have to YT as an individual through my insurance...

is this doable for you

Hey, granite! How about some kittie photos? We need our cuteness fix.

I am getting ready to leave work to take my horse to the vet. This is the one I've raised from a baby who is (shhhhh, don't tell the others) my favorite horse of all time. He hurt himself over a year and a half ago, and the vet says it is his back and this chiropractic treatment was supposed to fix it, but didn't, so we are trying again now that I finally have the money to do it.

Well I have a lot of respect for T2 and I know that she has a lot of respect for marriage so I like that better than going to see someone new. I haven't really said anything to T2 that I haven't told my H so I don't think there are many bombshells she could drop by accident. Although I like her and respect her... I haven't really done any trauma work with her and since she is more CBT oriented... there hasn't been this big attachment thing going on. In fact I didn't see her most of the summer and when things got bad and I needed some support, I called xT...

so from the T2 perspective... I think I'm okay.

how about yt

Mothers' mantras are hard to shake off.

YT seems to be working out. He's pretty good... listens alot and actually made a very good point...insight about something... and he even challenged me to think about something differnently and I listened...

the problem is going to be stopping seeing xT. even though I can't seem to move forward or make changes with him... he's like a security blanket... thinking of changing name from xT to SBT or maybe TBT ( teddy bear T)... when I'm feeling really bad that is who I run back to...

I'd love to hear about your progress!

What you know vs what you feel. Been there.

It is "cleaner" if your marriage T is someone neither of you has any history with.

Fresh start, equal footing.

CE...you are right it is "cleaner" but T2 is very capable of separating the two... I have no doubt of that... but my H doesn't like the idea of us possibly having discussions about the MC sessions in individual sessions and I hear that...

It is very important to me and H... that the T we see for MC has a very high respect for marriage... T2 has couples therapy listed on the profile on a therapy website as her specialty... and I could feel that whenever I talked about my personal issues that came up and we talked about its affect on marriage... MC is not something she does as an aside ... she does lots of marriage weekends and intensive sessions as well... It is really why I chose her as T2 was because I needed the help with me in the marriage that xT just couldn't seem to give...

ETA... I offered to go to his T for MC... H did not want that. T2 knows xT professionally and suggested we see him and I said NO because I have been way to negative about my H when I was seeing him... not that my H didn't know I felt that way but more that I fear I've tainted my xT's view of my H and he would have a hard time separating it because he boundaries are near as strick and consistant as T2.

What you're describing really does sound like a turning point to me, and it makes sense that things would be getting so tumultuous for you.

I think I mentioned to you once, privately, that especially while I was still on the couch (my T's couch, not this couch!), I could pretty distinctly describe three voices in me -- three impulses, three parts, whatever you want to call it. There was me, just me, the person I am when I'm just by myself and feeling ok; there was what I call my "evil twin" who is an exaggerated version of my mom -- insanely critical, always shutting me down, always calling my thoughts and feelings stupid; then there was a sort of child me, about 4 years old, generally silent, pretty much just a ball of emotion. In my mind the little-me was sometimes content playing by herself, or drawing or imagining things or whatever, but sometimes was inconsolably upset, and this was the part of me that took over my mind when I would get really upset, when I felt like I was shrinking into darkness.

Anyway. The one good thing about the analytical frame was that I could hear these voices very clearly at war in my head. And the more the "me" voice was able to speak up for "little-me" and for my own thoughts and feelings, the more it was a really fight between "me" and my "evil twin", and sometimes this caused another frightened/wailing/inconsolable "little-me" mediated shutdown.

For a time, the better I got at sticking up for myself to the evil twin, the harder the evil twin pushed back. It was emotional chaos.

I can see you alternately trying so hard to reach for T, and then pushing yourself so hard back. Being angry that you feel good about him saying he's there is definitely defensive-MKAC in action, yet therapy-star-MKAC was able to e-mail him a list of stuff you didn't even want to talk about. You might be struggling ripping off the bandaid, but you're doing REALLY WELL. I mean, you thought you would NEVER say this stuff. Never is a pretty damn strong word.

It's your defenses that want to quit because you're going to quit anyway. That side of you is trying to protect you from the fallout you expect when he eventually knows everything. But part of you does want to believe that he can know everything, and you will be ok. Loved, even. I'm putting my money on that part.

I also think this is a huge things for you to realize .

(And something similar happened to me in T recently too! Although T was not specific, just vague, but it was enough to do what it needed to do.)

Hey Lola and Murray and Sconnie and Healed how is it going?

Hi.. here, just got home from school, dance class.. Trying to stir up enough energy to warm up some leftovers for myself and the kids.

Oh yah.. I have book club tomorrow evening, still have about 500 pages to read before 6pm tomorrow.. CRAP!. I will busy tonight!

Hiya all...

(((MKAC))) It is so hard to believe someone can actually not be grossed out by us, isn't it? I told XT a horrible thing about myself and then I texted him later that day with a "Do you think I am repulsive?" He responded "no, not at all". Later that week I texted "do you think I am gross?" He responded "not even close" and then I called him sobbing and asked "do you hate me now?" THREE contacts in one week...I felt like a giant needy baby. He told me on the phone that I can keep asking, keep texting and he would keep responding, even over the weekend.
I don't know why I am telling you that, except that I know that you know how much it took for me to ask and ask again and how much I tormented myself for doing it. So, I get it. Totally. Please vent, pm, ramble here as much as you want, and I will keep reading it.

Water Zumba was so freaking hard. It's like trying to dance with weights on! Or worse! But it was a good workout.
I had a blast at the clinic too...autumn is in the air, and everything feels good.

Tomorrow I have an appt with a cardiologist. Pocket Riders PLEASE. I hate docs. I have way too many. Grrrrrr.

Wiki... From what my son says... I THINK he will heading up your way for college...he loved the school just north of the city.

Gotta love the city. I can give you all sorts of ideas of things to do when you visit him.
Nothing like Boston, nothing at all. (but don't tell MKAC, cause she hates it...lol)

Did he look in Rhode Island at all?

And my d just said I was getting too fat for my clothes.. Thanks. I like to pretend that nobody notices the nearly 40lbs I have gained in the last year..

NO he didnt look there even though he mentioned it last year. He said the school is too ( ugh u r going to hate this) liberal for him...