[rainbow8]

I posted last month about still having feelings about my T's divorce, but that I wasn't going to bring them up to her. Today that child part suddenly came up and I started to cry. She feels like it's her fault! Just like kids do when their parents get divorced. This is ridiculous, even for my child part! I know better, but apparently this child doesn't. She thinks that because she told T, long before she knew about any marital problems, that she wanted to break down their bedroom door, and come between T and her H. This was before T went out of the country for a vacation with her H. The child part didn't want her to go and was very upset.

Another time this child part drew a picture of T's family and house, and put herself in it. T was probably separated from her H at the time but I didn't know it, of course.

This child part feels sad, like she really did come between T and her H. Now that it's happening, she wishes it weren't. It makes her feel unsettled, just is if T were really her (my) mother. She cried about it. A lot.

So, I could try to forget about all this. Or, I could tell my T because maybe it has to do with my family, though my parents never got divorced. I don't know what to do, but I'll probably end up telling her just so she could tell that part that it's NOT her fault.

I'm doing so well with my T lately. The child parts haven't been around, and then suddenly this one pops up to disturb me.

[anilam]

I don't get how this child part system works... Do you have control over them or not? Must be really frustrating if not.
Anyway, I'm gonna stick with telling your T about it. Yes, it's her divorce but she was the one bringing it into your sessions. So she may as well help you out with it now.

On the second thought, if all you really need is her telling you it was not your fault can't you manage to soothe yourself without the help of your T?

[unaluna]

I think it's important to tell your t. Let her do the work of deciding what it means.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by anilam

I don't get how this child part system works... Do you have control over them or not? Must be really frustrating if not.
Anyway, I'm gonna stick with telling your T about it. Yes, it's her divorce but she was the one bringing it into your sessions. So she may as well help you out with it now.

On the second thought, if all you really need is her telling you it was not your fault can't you manage to soothe yourself without the help of your T?

I have control over the child parts more than I used to. My T used to say "your parts are running the show". My SELF is supposed to be in charge. But she is my T and says "all parts are welcome" and she accepts all of them. She has never stopped me from telling her how a part feels. That's the way IFS works.

However, I want to clarify that my T NEVER brought her divorce into the sessions. I figured it out and asked her. She has been absolutely professional about not letting it interfere with her work. If I hadn't been so perceptive, I probably wouldn't know, even now, though she said she was going to tell me at some point.

It's triggering to think about. Maybe it's to do with my father having lady friends after my Mom passed away--feeling disappointed or let down. It feels like it's some kind of transference but I'm not sure what. My T disappointed me, and that has to be transference, because what difference could it make? I wrote in my poem to her that "I used to think you're perfect......." When she read it, she laughed. I assume she was thinking how imperfect she is, while I still kind of idolize her. The child part still wants her to be Mommy, and still wants to part of an intact family--hers. But she doesn't have that anymore.

I think this is therapy stuff--not for debating in this thread. If I have feelings about her divorce, I may have to tell her. I don't even want to use that word with her. And I don't like to say "your H" or "your exH". I will ask her first if it's all right to talk about.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think it's important to tell your t. Let her do the work of deciding what it means.

Thanks, hankster. I'll probably tell her, but it will be hard for me.

[stopdog]

I don't get the parts thing either. But I am sorry to hear it is painful for you.

I haven't done parts work so I'm sorry if I've gotten this wrong but from reading I thought the goal of the parts work or working with the inner child is that you (the adult you) learns how to sooth the child part yourself... Do you think you could tell the child part that it wasn't her fault? Do you think you could sooth the inner child?

I think I would want to use all the skills I've learned from my T first to try to deal with it myself and then if its still an issue after I tried everything than I would bring it up to T.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I haven't done parts work so I'm sorry if I've gotten this wrong but from reading I thought the goal of the parts work or working with the inner child is that you (the adult you) learns how to sooth the child part yourself... Do you think you could tell the child part that it wasn't her fault? Do you think you could sooth the inner child?

I think I would want to use all the skills I've learned from my T first to try to deal with it myself and then if its still an issue after I tried everything than I would bring it up to T.

Yes, I can probably do that. I am doing it right now. She knows it's not her fault, but she's still sad. I'm thinking that maybe this came up because the child parts are saying good-bye to T. In my mind, that is. I want them to be with T a little more before that happens. T likes to hear how I manage with my parts. Mostly we focus on my body now. How it feels in my body. I'll have to play it by ear at my next session and see how I feel. If something feels unfinished, then I need to talk about it. You're right that the goal is for me to be able to comfort my parts, but it's still okay to talk about it with T.

[unaluna]

"I feel like it's my fault you're getting a divorce"? I think that's a very important thing to tell your t! Why in the world would you hold that back?? Why would you advise someone to hold that back? I'm seeing stars here.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

"I feel like it's my fault you're getting a divorce"? I think that's a very important thing to tell your t! Why in the world would you hold that back?? Why would you advise someone to hold that back? I'm seeing stars here.

Thanks, hankster. I guess because I "know" it's not true, and it's just a "part" of me who thinks that way. I'm afraid that part just wants to confess to T so she can get comforted. But I'm NOT supposed to figure it out, so you're correct. It's better just to tell her, to get it out of my system. It's also good for me to practice comforting that part myself. I can do both--a skill from DBT. Dialectics.

The transference part may be something T can help me figure out. If there is any, to do with my family. I'm not sure. I seem to block that out, so maybe there IS something I'm avoiding.

[unaluna]

Sorry rain. I'm not mad at you! I just got excited. I felt responsible for my t's divorce and I didn't want you to miss out on a totally fun opportunity IT WAS EXCRUCIATING!! but so worth it.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

Sorry rain. I'm not mad at you! I just got excited. I felt responsible for my t's divorce and I didn't want you to miss out on a totally fun opportunity IT WAS EXCRUCIATING!! but so worth it.

I didn't think you were mad at me. Not at all. Can you tell more about your experience? Why did you feel responsible for T's divorce? If you don't want to post here, can you send me a PM? Thanks. I'm just curious.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I didn't think you were mad at me. Not at all. Can you tell more about your experience? Why did you feel responsible for T's divorce? If you don't want to post here, can you send me a PM? Thanks. I'm just curious.

I called him at home one evening. This was in my first year of seeing him. He had never given me his home phone number but he was in the phone book. This was back when people had land lines! His wife answered and I guess she was the suspicious type - he was like, "why are you calling me here?". I was in a state, my life was totally falling apart, no home, no job - my pdoc ended up prescribing me Xanax which numbed me out. A few years later, I returned to t, off the xanax, and he tells me he got a divorce. Now it sounds ridiculous, but back then I felt like I played a tiny role. It's more about the connection of telling, the honesty, and getting it straightened out.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I think I would want to use all the skills I've learned from my T first to try to deal with it myself and then if its still an issue after I tried everything than I would bring it up to T.

I'm sorry, I just took this as a personal attack. I was trying to be subtle and supportive and not get into it too much, and just let rainbow bring it in to t, as she said, not debate it here. Then this felt to me like a) enormous pressure on rainbow to stifle and b) stuff what hankster said. I am really sorry, I should not have reacted that way. I spoke once and that should have been enough. I should have let go of the outcome after that.