[neutrino]

Okay, so about a week ago I wrote a post about how I thought my therapist and I had finally started to get along quite well. I wrote that he was really helpful and how he said we were going to meet up more often (more than once a week) and things like that. Well, I had another therapy session today and it wasn't great (I had one on Monday this week as well and that wasn't great either). I felt ok but anxious when I arrived but felt very frustrated and depressed when I left (which was only about an hour ago). We (well, my therapist, I was quite passive) spent the session talking about what I can do to feel better. He suggested things like exercise, good eating habits, lowering my level of ambition, lowering the level of perfectionism, taking more risks, letting go of the need for complete control, letting go of the need to fully understand everything, identifying and questioning negative thoughts etc.

Those are great things to do and I could definitely get better at exercising and eating healthy. I asked him about how I'm supposed to stop being such a perfectionist and how to stop needing so much control (I'm honestly not sure I think having control is a bad thing and I'm not sure I think my level of ambition is too high even though everyone says it is). I asked him about it because I don't know how to do those things. He told me to just do it. To just let it go. I told him I've had this need for control, this level of perfectionism and this level of ambition for as long as I can remember and that I don't understand how I could "just let it go". He replied by saying "I didn't say it would be easy but I think you should just do it anyway".

I'm sorry but how would that help me? These are pretty much the same things he's told me for the past three months (except for a couple of weeks, which is when I thought we were actually getting somewhere). What am I missing here? Is "just do it" and "just let it go" supposed to help people? I know he's right about some of the things he thinks would probably make me feel better and I know he's right when he says I'm quite defensive etc. But seriously, is this what therapy is supposed to be like? It seems like people benefit from therapy so is there some sort of important key to therapy that I'm missing?! Am I the only one who doesn't get how this is supposed to work?! Is there something wrong with me? Am I the problem? I'm tired of feeling frustrated and I'm disappointed about the fact that I thought therapy was going better when it clearly isn't (but what do I know? Maaaaaybe it'll be better again next week. Ugh.).

Oh and he only made me one appointment for next week.

[Freewilled]

I can really relate to what you're saying, although I don't have the answers...but if my T told me to just do it, I think I might laugh. It reminds me of that MAD TV sketch when the therapist tells the client to "just stop it!"

It is so impractical and if I could just do it, I would. I had a session last night and shared my frustration with my T. I was like, so if I just stop controlling and try to "just be" (which is so abstract to me) then my mind goes to trying to come up with steps and how tos to just be...which ultimately, leads me back to performing! Totally counterproductive. My T tried to lead me to thinking about what it might be like to just be and not pressuring myself to perform...and after a visualization exercise I actually freaked out....so I think he's trying to get behind what keeps me from finding worth in myself for who I am rather than what I do and there's a whole lot more there than I thought...

Sorry - I'm really not sure how to solve this issue as I'm a major perfectionist as well. Just know you're not alone

[Turtleboy]

hmm it's strange you mention this, i just started with a T (2 sessions) and they said the same thing, "just change it" which left me very confused and i asked how and her response was a simple, "it's not going to be easy but just do it"
maybe i expected more from therapy like a magic cure for my anxiety and depression, some hidden trick to getting better.
it seems (as far as i can see) that it is about changing one small thing at a time, exercise sure helps and healthy eating, and as far as controlling things (my experience with this is trying to change people that act badly) is actually a symptom of anxiety
we are trying to solve internal problems with exterior actions and this creates even more anxiety. (according to T) and this lowers our self esteem.
Letting it go seems such a strange thing to hear, but i guess after thinking about it, it makes sense (kinda)
hope you find some answers

[Tarra]

From a CBT perspective, I'm trying to do this by choosing my behaviors as if I weren't a perfectionist. First I've identified some areas where I think my perfectionism is more harmful than helpful - eg. getting anxious about emails and rewriting them, or spending far too much time and anxiety making a decision about a big purchase. Then I think what an average person might do - eg. send emails to friends without rereading, spend one day researching purchase and then make the decision based on that information. Then I make myself do the same!

But I don't force myself to 'let it go' in the sense of trying to force myself not to feel anxious. I change my behaviors and let myself fully feel the fear that those changes cause. I journal about it, identify biases. I sometime review later, to see if my fear came true.

Does that sound like something that could work for you? I think it's also important to do the deeper work in therapy, to understand why I feel the need to control things, why I feel excessive fear, and to empathise with my younger self rather than judge myself. But once I've understood that and decided to change, it's mostly about breaking through the habits to try a new way.

[unaluna]

I like tarra's answer. But honestly I needed a little prozac to help me stop rinsing the dishes x number of times, just loosen up all these little control habits I was barely conscious of doing, except that they occupied my conscious mind all the time. Telling me to do this, do that next.

[ar2004]

I am a major perfectionist. It's just part of my personality. I don't know how I can change it and I would have no clue how to let it go. Maybe your T can give you more clues next time.

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Tarra

From a CBT perspective, I'm trying to do this by choosing my behaviors as if I weren't a perfectionist. First I've identified some areas where I think my perfectionism is more harmful than helpful - eg. getting anxious about emails and rewriting them, or spending far too much time and anxiety making a decision about a big purchase. Then I think what an average person might do - eg. send emails to friends without rereading, spend one day researching purchase and then make the decision based on that information. Then I make myself do the same!

But I don't force myself to 'let it go' in the sense of trying to force myself not to feel anxious. I change my behaviors and let myself fully feel the fear that those changes cause. I journal about it, identify biases. I sometime review later, to see if my fear came true.

Does that sound like something that could work for you? I think it's also important to do the deeper work in therapy, to understand why I feel the need to control things, why I feel excessive fear, and to empathise with my younger self rather than judge myself. But once I've understood that and decided to change, it's mostly about breaking through the habits to try a new way.

So does that work well for you then?

The thing is I'm not sure I see the need for control as a bad thing. I know for sure that my perfectionism/OCD is bad for me and it causes me a lot of distress but I don't really see why striving towards doing things as good as possible is a bad thing. I don't really understand why it's so bad to be in control of things.

Also, I'm a creature of habit. I like routine and I get quite overwhelmed by new situations, changes and people/things breaking my routines. Routines and being repetitive make me feel safe. I don't know if I want to change everything my psychologist thinks I should change. I definitely want to get better (because I'm doing terrible) and I want to be in therapy. I want to be able to live a life where I can function well. I want to be able to do things I can barely dream of doing right now. I just don't see how I could change by my therapist telling me to "just do it".

He's not really keen on understanding why things are the way they are for me. He says it's better to focus on the present and what you can do to get better. Something like that.

It hurts not getting the help I need. It makes me feel so bad it literally hurts. I'm starting to think I'm the problem. That it's my fault it isn't working.

I've been wondering for a while whether it wouldn't be better for you to see a T who does PDT, possibly combined with CBT, rather than a very strictly CBT oriented therapist. Some CBT therapists do go into the underlying reasons for behaviours, but others seem to mostly just focus on "change this behaviour and your mood will follow." Which really works for some people, but it doesn't for everybody.

Your T appears to be a pretty good T in many ways, but I'm not sure he's really the ideal T for you.

And you are not the problem. Definitely not. You're not totally broken, or unhelpable, or any of those things. You just need to find the right person to help you.

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I've been wondering for a while whether it wouldn't be better for you to see a T who does PDT, possibly combined with CBT, rather than a very strictly CBT oriented therapist. Some CBT therapists do go into the underlying reasons for behaviours, but others seem to mostly just focus on "change this behaviour and your mood will follow." Which really works for some people, but it doesn't for everybody.

Your T appears to be a pretty good T in many ways, but I'm not sure he's really the ideal T for you.

And you are not the problem. Definitely not. You're not totally broken, or unhelpable, or any of those things. You just need to find the right person to help you.

Yeah, maybe. How does PDT even work? I mean, CBT focuses on changing your thought patterns and expose you to things you fear so that you'll overcome your fears or whatever. What is it that people benefit from when it comes to PDT?

Also, in the beginning of last week (when I thought things had changed a bit) I agreed to more sessions with my therapist. I can't just take that back now, can I?

Thank you but seriously, what if I am the problem? What if I'm too stubborn or too defensive? I guess I just don't see how telling me to "just do" something would change anything. It's not like I haven't tried that during the past decade. Do you know what I mean?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by neutrino

Also, in the beginning of last week (when I thought things had changed a bit) I agreed to more sessions with my therapist. I can't just take that back now, can I?

Of course you can.

What PDT does - well, I found this website really informative: About Psychotherapy
My therapist works rather a lot on these lines. My exT didn't, even though I think she was mostly psychodynamic as well - she did tell me things like "just do it", which my current T would never do. Sure, patently harmful behaviours have to be addressed quickly. But when it comes to changing long-term behaviour, the PDT approach of understanding underlying causes works better for me. Not for everybody, I know that. But for me, it's better.

[Lamplighter]

Umm I still don't get what PDT is, anyone care to give a definition?

Neutrino, just 'letting go' as a comment or suggestion or advice from a T sucks, and a big cop out. At best, if your T is CBT (as I gather he is) you might be able to take one behaviour or way of thinking that you accept is dysfunctional and work on that, consciously trying to change or modify it, and that might work if you had a mutual agreement with T to monitor and measure it, but generally telling you to 'just let go' sounds like bollocks to me and a T who isn't earning their money.

Perhaps you could talk to your T about how his approach is making you feel, even if he's dyed in the wool CBT, it can't hurt to let him know how the therapy is affecting you. It does sound like you're stuck in a pattern of relating with this T that needs shaking up a bit - he's not going to adapt or modify his position until and unless you tell him what's going on with you. A risk, but worth taking

LL

Oh, I'm sorry - PDT = psychodynamic therapy.

[neutrino]

I just don't know what to do. I hate the fact that my therapist didn't make me an appointment for the beginning of the week. I don't know how to get through the day, let alone until Thursday. It's 7:30am over here and I've been awake since 5am feeling incredibly anxious and terribly afraid of failing things (mainly my upcoming exam and presentation). I don't sleep well anymore. I also fear tomorrow's session in the chemistry lab. I'm so afraid of making mistakes in there that it sucks the fun out of it. I hate that. Then there's also this general feeling of dread. I don't even want to get out of bed but I have to because I have to go to university and study all day (which will make me even more anxious). I'm so stressed out. Overwhelmed. I'm tired all the time and everything is unbelievably difficult.

I think I deserve some help. Right? So why the heck can't I get the help I need? It's been over a year since I started seeking help and I feel just as bad (if not worse) nowadays.

This is all really messed up and I feel like the worst person in the world for complaining so much. Sorry for ruining your day with this but you guys are really the only ones listening right now.

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

Perhaps you could talk to your T about how his approach is making you feel, even if he's dyed in the wool CBT, it can't hurt to let him know how the therapy is affecting you. It does sound like you're stuck in a pattern of relating with this T that needs shaking up a bit - he's not going to adapt or modify his position until and unless you tell him what's going on with you. A risk, but worth taking

Maybe. I'm scared of confrontation though. I'm scared he'll think I'm really annoying or that he'll feel offended or something if I tell him that his approach doesn't work for me.

[unaluna]

That's what I told my current t - I've been patiently showing up all these years ( with previous ts) - do I need to start complaining? Fine - consider this as me complaining. I have to admit tho - I did not do, until relatively recently, the one thing every t told me to do, which was to stop communicating with my family while I was in therapy. Because they said they would work with me during the week, then I would see the family on the weekend and the ts felt like they had to start over from the beginning. I finally stopped communicating about 3 years ago, and I am finally seeing progress.

Btw, I think you need to be ambitious in your field. I remember my first year chemistry class in college - it was so competitive, people would practically break your arm before a test for an advantage. I found it horrible!