[granite1]

TRIGGER for mention of SI



I have been having strange not typical thoughts of SI. my T has been away off and on a lot .I saw her yesterday and will not see her again for 2 weeks. I was terrified to see her and to tell her what was going on in my messed up head these days.

when I got to her office and sat down it was instant shut down .the thoughts and warnings in my head were so overwhelming. I just kept silent yet again. she asked what was going on ,I shrugged. she asked if I had been traveling it was her that canceled because of vacation. i didn't respond and then she got up and looked at her calendar and saw that she was the one who was gone and that I will be gone the next week. she said that we were talking about how angry I was that she has not been around much and asked if I was still feeling this way. I shrugged again. then she said that she was going to take my lack of response as a yes that I am still feeling this way. I didn't want her to think this at all .so I just whispered no. she said good and then more silence.

everything felt bad .there was someone out side her office freaking me out .at one point I jumped because they slammed the microwave door.my T then out of the blue asked how my dreams were. I don't know why she asked that but it was horrible. I so wanted to tell her about my thoughts but I was even getting sick to my stomach thinking about it and then even getting angry at myself for that . 20 sec of courage because I did really want her to know ,I said that I was waking up with really strange thoughts. then omg I jest freaked in my head with waves of terror, shame and every miserable emotion in existence .I completely shut down again. HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS???. anyway she asked me what the thoughts were and I was never going to tell her .I didn't want to be shut down at all I wanted to tell her . but couldn't . instead I said I would rather talk about my new kitten .I had pic and stuff hoping if I was going to shut down this might help. or if I didn't want to talk it would give me an out .she smiled and said sure .few so I pulled out my phone and showed her pic of my kitten and talked about him .it was awkward but it wasn't talking about my thoughts of SI.

silence hit again and she came out with ,we still have some time if you want to tell me about those thoughts you are having . my stomach was doing flips. I cant do this and she isn't letting it go at all. she said if I talk about it maybe it wont seem so strange and scary. through all the warnings and crap in my head telling me to back away I did tell her that I woke up Friday night with the idea that I needed to burn my finger tips and then I just shut completely down. I didn't want to hear myself talk about it or any words coming out of my mouth .or what my T was going to say or anything. I did peek at her to see if she was completely repulsed by what I just said . I couldn't help it . she had to repeat her self but I think she asked if I had ever done this before. I did not want to answer her .what was she going to do to me .she asked again .she was being so pushy. not mean or anything but I was scared not to answer. i hate when she is like that .I told her that I did when I was younger. she asked how .i want to tell her so I just said that I would burn them on the radiators in my house. she said that radiators don't burn your fingers. I was devastated that she didn't believe me .they do and I did burn my fingers on them .my legs also. i don't understand why she didn't believe me? why don't anyone believe me when I tell them things I did or happened. she asked how else did I burn my fingers .I was so upset that she didn't believe me about the radiators that I blurted out on the stove top also. but it wasn't me who did that it was the mother she asked if I was the one who did that .I just shrugged .I was done I don't trust her and I shut down completely .I wanted to vomit so bad my stomach would not settle .it turned every time she opened her mouth to speak.

I think at one point earlier I had asked why am I getting these thoughts now. she asked me now if I wanted her to answer and tell me what she thinks .I shrugged she said she thought I needed to be able to hear what she had to say. she thinks that I am getting these thoughts because I am starting to feel better. that it means that on some level I am ready to face things.so my mind is letting me acknowledge these thoughts and memories ,or something like that.

she said that she knew it was so hard for me to share what is going on and what happened to me and although I didn't say that she was quite sure it was a care taker who did this to me, and probably my mother .she said that she would like to be able to continue to talk to me more about this that she felt it was something important.

she was very nice about it all .she was not mean and didn't seem repulsed by it at all. but I am not sure she believed any on it .could that be why she didn't get disgusted by it all and me. it sounded to me like she didn't believe me .and I feel horrible for saying anything.it also made me want to run home and SI. do give in to what my thoughts were telling me to do. I had it all planned for today after my husband went to work. I have not done it and wont in fact I will be leaving soon to be with some friends for the afternoon .but why wont she believe me about what went on

[unaluna]

I'm glad you told us. What does your t think runs in radiators? Maybe she just had a brain fart, sounds like she was pretty good the rest of the session. She always surprises me, the way she knows what questions to ask. But she's no Mr Science

It sounds to me like she completely believes you which is why she is not disgusted. I suspect she is completely on to the horrors you went through in your childhood. She may be thinking about modern radiators which probably are less dangerous than old ones. Just a lack of understanding on her part; she probably had no personal experience with them. Other than that it sounds like she is seeing progress in you willingness and desire to finally talk about these things.

[A Red Panda]

I think she views it as a sign of starting to get better because you're starting to confront things, even if you're not overly ready to talk about it yet. And in a way... when we start to do that we can all get really scared and want to withdraw from it.

Is there a chance that you were each talking about different kinds of radiators? I'm sure that some, especially really old ones, would be capable of burning. Did they burn to the point of leaving blisters, or just burn so that they hurt?

Hit send too soon: I also think that she does fully believe you. She wouldn't be feeling disgust towards you because she cares about you. She's probably also feeling proud of you for starting to share, and empathy with what you have gone through. Are you feeling ashamed and disgusted with yourself? I get the feeling that you are... so you're putting those feelings on to her, when there is no reason for her to feel that way. I hope I worded that correctly!

Originally Posted by hankster

I'm glad you told us. What does your t think runs in radiators? Maybe she just had a brain fart, sounds like she was pretty good the rest of the session. She always surprises me, the way she knows what questions to ask. But she's no Mr Science

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAHAHHA lol, thank you for making me smile.
Granite I am sorry things are so hard

I know this is probably so in appropriate right now....but Granite I want to post the dancing chili peppers for you... I am so proud of you!!! As I was reading this I was anxious and tearing up and when I got to the end I wanted to jump for joy... Granite you did it...you told her...and it felt weird and ackward...and your mind may try to turn it into something bad but it is a great thing....

When i asked YT how was talking about this supposed to help... He said as long as we keep it in our head..and keep it a secret it has power over us...as we let it all out it loses its power over us!!! You should be so proud of yourself!!! you are an inspiration for me to continue on with my own telling...

I dont think your T said the content of your thoughts were "good" but the fact that you are having things from the past come up is good because you are getting to a place where you can share them...

(((((granite)))))

I read your post - I don't have anything clever or helpful to add here, but I really do believe in what RTS' YT said, that letting the secrets out can make them have less power over us. And I do believe that your T is on your side.

Granite, you are so amazing to keep going when she indicated she did not believe you! So strong and so brave!

BTW, I think Chris is correct that she just may not have experience with the old steam radiators.

[growlycat]

Wonder how old your t is? I remember as a kid that radiators definitely got hot enough to burn. Newer fixtures I'm sure must have safety features. Maybe she never had a true old-school radiator before? I'm sure she believes you, but is just trying to piece it together.

Granite I am so proud of you, see how strong and brave you are!!!! and I'm sure everybody else is right that t was not thinking about the old radiators that definitely did get hot enough to burn thinking about the ones in my grandma's house. t's have brain farts just like everybody else apparently!! you did good, my friend, very good work and I have to say it again I am proud of you!!!

[photostotake]

I am so proud of you Granite! You weren't sure you could even speak up in your session and you did it! I agree with the others. Your t may not have had the experience with the older radiators, so that may not be why she doesn't know about what all them can possibly do. I'm also sensing just how proud she is of you too. I'm also impressed that she knew just what questions to ask you and that you didn't shut down. Plus, you didn't go home and SI. You should be very proud of yourself too Granite.

[granite1]

thanks so much guys I love you all so much . I hope that she didn't understand about the old radiators. can I just speak this story..

when I was younger the mother would make me sit in the corner of our dining room for hours sometimes all day depending on what I was being punished for. I had one of those old forced hot water radiators .I would sit next to it for hours .one of the things that I would do was to put my finger tip on it and see how long I could stand it . I was not crazy but I had created this king of imaginary world .I suppose to help me deal with the mother . anyway I filled it with a bunch of faceless voices that would encourage me to do whatever I wanted to do .and this was one of the things. a lot of times it was those voices I created or maybe they were just thoughts kept me alive and going as a kid. even if it was stupid things like encouraging me to burn my fingers . yes sometimes they did blister and if the mother saw them she would pop the blisters and pour salt on them to teach me not to do that. I remember also doing the same thing with the heaters that ran along the pews in church.

I don't know why the mother decided to burn my finger tips on the stove. it may have had something to do with playing with my doll in the bathroom sink. my t seems to believe that she did this to me so maybe it is just a misunderstanding. I don't know if I will be able to talk to her more about it

[photostotake]

You've already taken an important step and brought it up the first time. You can do it again. Re-read this thread if you need to in two weeks before you see her next. Again, you should be proud of yourself Granite, you did wonderful today.

[FeelTheBurn]

Slow and steady wins the race, granite. Congratulations on your step forward, and I'm awed by your courage. I bet your T is, too.

[WikidPissah]

(((chickie)))
I had forgotten how hot those old radiators got! Definitely enough to blister your hands.

I am sure she believes you...she's just trying to put the pieces together. Good for you for telling her.

[rainbow8]

I remember those old radiators, too. You certainly could burn yourself on them. I think T never had them, or doesn't remember.

Your session was amazing, granite. You continue to inspire me and touch my heart. It's wonderful to see you opening up to your T about your past. I see how incredibly difficult it is for you, but you're doing it anyway. That's what T meant. It's good that you're able to tell her, even if in bits and pieces, about the things that happened to you, that never should have happened.

I'm proud of you too.

[Rzay4]

Thanks for sharing, very enlightening. Your T sounds amazing,I too burn from time to time. My T knows I do it to come to the present as I disassociate a lot.

I too am proud of you. Bravo!