[growlithing]

Hi guys.

So for those of you who haven’t been following my story/drama I have created here in the past (sorry about that), I’m in a residential treatment center and I’ve been here for a week after being hospitalized for self-harm/diagnostic clarification for three weeks. I’m doing slightly better in that I feel like I’m getting help and actually working towards getting better in the long term. I feel slightly better about myself because of that and some of my symptoms are improving. I’m having less sui thoughts, less urges to self-harm, and I haven’t self-harmed in two weeks which is really big for me. However, I’ve been having much more intense and frequent flashbacks where I am completely panicked, confused, and dissociated.

In this program, I have a case manager. She is a therapist and her main job is to completely control my treatment. She works with me one on one, she helps me through talking to my mother, she coordinates my care both inside of the program and sets up the next step. I’ve been experiencing absolutely unbelievable maternal transference with her. It’s weird to me because I’ve only known her for about a week, but she’s here every weekday from 9 to 5 and was by my side when I’m having these intense flashbacks. She’s always there to help me and that combined with the fact that something about her reminds me of my old T I think is contributing to this. I can’t stop wanting her to love me and take care of me. I’m jealous of her other patients and I get super upset if she forgets to see me even though I know she is bad at keeping track of time and just ran out of time. But it’s like I really feel like I need her to love me as a daughter and I can’t stop wishing she would. That triggers me to think about how I don’t have a mother who loves me and I get extremely upset/angry. I don’t know how to handle this.

I’m scared of the fact that I’m only going to be here for a month or so and then she’ll be completely gone and I’ll be alone to face the world again. I know I’m being overdramatic when I say that because I felt the same way about the separation with my old T, but this for some reason feels different because she’s literally there with me if I need her all of the time and was there for me through a few extremely scary episodes where I honestly thought I was in my parents’ house and someone was going to attack me.

Any advice on how to handle this? Should I talk to her about it? I’m scared to do that and I don’t really know what she can do to change it. I mean, I guess she could try to distance herself from me more, but then what happens if I’m needing help? I don’t want her to distance herself from me. I feel like I love her, but I know it’s just maternal transference. I didn't even know her a week ago.

[Rzay4]

I definitely can relate to your situation and you should discuss this with her. Right now I'm in a PHP program and close to halfway done. I've become really attached to an RN she also is like a mother figure to me and I can't imagine not seeing her every day. I check in with her often and one say she said "Hello love" and I almost melted with joy.

I'm glad you are getting help and are beginning to feel better. I too self injure and haven't in almost 2 weeks. Thankfully you have a month or so left. She shouldn't distance from you the opposite providing you more support.

Good luck let me know how it goes.

[feralkittymom]

Growli, I think the fact that you're having flashbacks, etc, is to be expected, and ultimately, a good thing. Not pleasant, for sure, but a step toward getting out what needs to come out so you won't turn on yourself.

I don't think transference necessarily correlates with "logical" factors like age or length of time you've known the T. You've shared intense emotional experiences with this T, much the way strangers who share a crisis situation often deeply bond. There's also a kind of transference that is referred to as a "hopeful" transference: rather than project the negative expectations from past experience, it's about projecting the hope of a positive experience. This was more my experience, and perhaps it's yours, too. But don't forget that at the end of this program, you will be experiencing yourself and your emotions differently than you do now. Don't project distorted thinking into the mix.

Definitely tell your T. I seriously doubt it will throw her as it must be common in residential type situations. You may find that sharing it with her may ease the anger/panic you feel when you experience a lapse in her attention. Since the relationship is time limited because it's a residential program, I doubt she will distance herself because of your feelings.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Growli, I think the fact that you're having flashbacks, etc, is to be expected, and ultimately, a good thing. Not pleasant, for sure, but a step toward getting out what needs to come out so you won't turn on yourself.

I don't think transference necessarily correlates with "logical" factors like age or length of time you've known the T. You've shared intense emotional experiences with this T, much the way strangers who share a crisis situation often deeply bond. There's also a kind of transference that is referred to as a "hopeful" transference: rather than project the negative expectations from past experience, it's about projecting the hope of a positive experience. This was more my experience, and perhaps it's yours, too. But don't forget that at the end of this program, you will be experiencing yourself and your emotions differently than you do now. Don't project distorted thinking into the mix.

Definitely tell your T. I seriously doubt it will throw her as it must be common in residential type situations. You may find that sharing it with her may ease the anger/panic you feel when you experience a lapse in her attention. Since the relationship is time limited because it's a residential program, I doubt she will distance herself because of your feelings.

Yes. I can actually agree with you that it is overall a positive despite it being beyond horrible. It's good that I'm in this super controlled environment while I'm experiencing it too. I can search for more healthy grounding techniques while not hurting myself, have intense panic attacks, dissociate while under 24/7 care and supervision. I know I can't handle them without hurting myself on my own. That's very clear.

Yes, this is a hopeful transference and not at all a maternal transference in the sense of my literal mother. I have an idea of a mother I would like very clearly in my head and I'm putting that image on her. If it were literal maternal transference, I would be pulling away from her, dismissive, and very scared around her. I guess I get a little bit of that though because sometimes I get scared that I'm "in trouble" with her especially when I'm having a flashback and she once tried to put her hand on my shoulder and tell me to release tension and I jumped away from her. It was odd to me that she did try to touch me while I was having an intense flashback but that doesn't really matter.

I think she already knows this. I can still try to tell her because I know she's not a mind reader, but she is highly HIGHLY intuitive and picks up on a lot of things I don't directly say. But there is no way she could know the extent of it or how badly upset I get over it.

[Rzay4]

Why not growlithing she can handle it, I promise.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Rzay4

Why not growlithing she can handle it, I promise.

It's just hard to admit to for some reason. I'm nervous telling people how I feel about them.

[Rzay4]

I'm the same way, thankfully I don't have to talk to the RN yet about if we can keep in touch through email. I really admire her.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlithing

It's just hard to admit to for some reason. I'm nervous telling people how I feel about them.

Plus I can't see anyway telling her won't hurt me because she isn't my mother and won't tell me how much she cares about me because I'm just her job.

[Rzay4]

Not necceasirly they can admit they care for you as part of their job description. Do you see her tomorrow or Monday?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Rzay4

Not necceasirly they can admit they care for you as part of their job description. Do you see her tomorrow or Monday?

That's not nearly the same thing for me though. "I care for you as a part of my job. It's my job to care for you" vs "I love you and I care deeply about you" is very different. She's actually working this Sunday so she'll be here tomorrow.

[Rzay4]

Ah yes it can be depending on their tone and how they say. I know my long term T does love me in some way and cares for me deeply. As we have this connection and similar with my second T. Good luck tomorrow at least try, she might surprise you.

[growlycat]

Growli-
Sounds like a great program!!! Have they set you up with a long term T?

[feralkittymom]

I suspect the urge to dismiss caring as "not real enough" is a defense. I'm not sure it's possible to define a feeling that originates from someone else. We all take in feelings--or not--and define them for ourselves. The feeling as you experience it is yours, and the feeling as she experiences it is hers. One doesn't negate the other. They can co-exist. You can borrow her caring, internalize it, and then it becomes yours, a caring that you can provide to yourself. That's what mothering does.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Growli-
Sounds like a great program!!! Have they set you up with a long term T?

Yes they have. I've only met her once to do intake forms and stuff. She seems nice and much more experienced, especially with handling trauma.

[Bill3]

This experience would be good to discuss with your long term T as well.

[Rzay4]

So how did today go?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Rzay4

So how did today go?

I told her about my feelings. She didn't have much to say on it. It really wasn't surprising at all to her and she certainly wasn't weirded out by it. I told her that I was scared that I got too attached too fast because she'll be gone from my life in a few weeks. She said she doesn't have to leave my life. I could see her outpatient. She said she could stay in my life forever if I wanted her to. That made me relax a bit about me getting too attached, but now I'm wondering if she wants me to follow her or if I'm just annoying. I stayed distant from her all day yesterday because I worry about annoying her.

[Rzay4]

Aw I'm glad you had a positive. She sounds really awesome. Do not worry about being annoying they would let you know if that were the case. I'm so proud of you.

Bravo!!

[Bill3]

Good work!