my T i dont know what to think

it went ok ,I mean at this point I am not freaking out.things started out crazy .I usually do in the back door and all doors were locked except for the front .I get in to find my T waiting for me at the reception desk. it was exactly 3 . this alone freaked me . I didn't know if it was because she called me out last session about being late lately. I just don't feel I need to be on time if she was always going to be 5 to 10 min late all the time. I did start out the session by asking about the doors. she told me that on Friday they had received a bomb threat and ever sense they have been on lock down.

she asked me if I remember what we were talking about last session she never brings up the last session but I had an idea before I even went that she was not going to let it go .I didn't think she was going to be so up front with it. I shrugged but realized I need to start someplace and decided to whisper yes . honestly the rest of the conversations and a mixture of what I wanted to hear and not wanting to hear but it is fragmented so im sorry if a lot of it makes no sense at all.i think she started by saying we were talking about the mother putting your hands on the stove . I shrug. she said that is the first time you have told me she did that, why? I said I didn't feel it was all that important. she said that isn't true that if it wasn't important I wouldn't have brought it up. (I didn't think I did, she asked how my dreams were I answered) she insisted I did ,I didn't want to argue so I shrugged and let it go. she said it is important because at a young age I learned that hurting myself was how I received love. that statement sounded absolutely insane to me . never ever have I received love when I hurt myself .especially from the mother.it is crazy. she insisted on this .I got kind of angry at her and said .do you really think the mother spent any more time with me then she needed to do this to me ,and I just kind of laughed. she said probably not but for you at the time it was probably an eternity . and you sure have done a lot of hurting yourself..

I couldn't talk anymore I admit I was completely confused. I said to her after a bit that I don't know what to say. to this responded I think you do ,you just don't want to talk. and then I got the why are you here question. I said because I want to feel better. she said this is what you do in therapy. you talk about things.

she talked about how what the mother did was not normal. I guess I did but I don't understand what am I suppose to do with all this information .it is so hard and it hurts. it is completely overwhelming.
I told her that when the mother did this I was nor prepared for it .I had no idea what was going to happen . she said no one could be . I thought I would be. I never had the chance to bring up the burning my fingers on the radiator

Sometimes those things that are the hardest to talk about are what we need to get out the most. I'm sorry you were so hurt by someone that should have loved you most.

Granite, you are doing a much better job of communicating with your therapist. It is so hard to verbalize those old memories and abuses, partly because it was just so painful and traumatic, partly because over time those memories have become perhaps unclear or fragmented just because of time and distance (and partly because we make very unconscious decisions about how we remember things as a means of self-protection).

As far as what to do with all this information, I'd say just keep spewing it out. My experience it that is incredibly difficult and painful to verbalize, but verbalizing what happened takes some of the power of those memories away. It sort of neutralizes it piece by piece so that I can start unraveling not just the memories, but how they affected me then AND how they still affect me now.

You ARE making progress, and your T sees that. She's working to keep you moving forward with your progress instead of allowing you to regress back into your silence, and you are really beginning to respond and open up. I know it is terrifying right now, but you are doing the work. Good for you.

My t has said that too, that my mother associates love with pain, and I just do not want to hear it. It nauseates me. I tell him that's why I run away from her, it's too gross, it's always been too gross. It's like I'm a weird sort of excitement that she got stuck with. Not too symbolic!

(((chickie))) It's good that you are talking a little, and it's good that she now knows about the mother burning your fingers. Even if you can tell her one little thing like that at a time, you are moving forwards. I know it's hard, but you are pushing thru and doing it.

It has helped me in the past to swap the word "love" with "attention". Any attention from someone we need/want is "good", even if it is negative? We have to survive, it is perhaps the primary need. Infants die if they are not handled but those that are handled "roughly" or inconsistently do not die? If all that is known, surrounds us, is negative, that's all we have to work with, all our brain knows. Attention = attention; mother abuse = attention; abuse self = attention (when there is no mother).

As we grow up we have to learn to self-soothe, put ourselves to sleep without the attention of others. Some parents can't stand the child crying so the child never learns to be alone and take care of themselves in that way, doesn't separate from their parents in that way; I have a good friend who got divorced, largely because his child was sleeping in her parents' bed too long which caused problems for the parents. If all that is around us to learn from is negative, we have to learn that negative, that becomes our only material with which to work?

We are are the right size, it's the pants that don't fit; our parents had problems and we inherited them in a sense, but with our own personal twists. Hand-me-down love and comfort that isn't because that's not what was handed down.

Good morning,

I understand exactly how you feel. I was sexually and physically abused by my mother. There were times when she beat the crap out of when I was 4. She punched and kicked me until I could do nothing but lie on the floor. Eventually, she would come back to tell me she was cooking my favorite meal or baking a cake for me. In retrospect, I believe she was trying to make her behavior ok by using food. Of course I had a very strange relationship with food. Anorexia has plagued me throughout my life. It's been about 5 years since my weight was problematic.

I feel for you having to deal with maternal abuse. I think there is a wound that goes to the very our core of our being. You can get through these issues. Take it slowly and you can heal. My thoughts are with you.

Regards,

Sabra

granite hugs to you, it may not feel like it right now but you are doing incredible work talking about these things with t. i agree with the above what to do wtih the information, just keep spewing it out, that's sometimes the hardest thing to do but one of the things that's going to help the most. keep up the good work my friend you're doing great!!!

I think you're doing fine in therapy, granite. It's not easy, but you're doing it. I agree that your job is to keep talking to T, telling her whatever you can even if it's mixed up and not so coherent. It's T's job to figure it out.