Letting your therapist 'hold the hope' when you're dissolving - do you?

So, right now I'm in pieces. I couldn't make myself leave the house to go to my session today. I crawled back into bed and stayed there staring at the walls for the rest of the day and took some valium to try to numb out. Didn't work.

My therapist is being a star, and is encouraging me to come tomorrow instead, or if I can't bring myself to go in we can have a phone session, or she said she can come to my place, or we can find a quiet coffee house etc and have the appointment there. So I have options, and it does make me feel a tiny, tiny bit hopeful - that somebody is willing to help me, to keep on helping me even when I feel subhuman. But it's also terrifying - right now, all my hope is kind of tied in with her. With one person. That can't be okay, can it? It's having all my eggs in one basket She has said to let her hold the hope, and I am I guess - but it scares me. Somehow, it's less scary to lie back and let go of even pretending to hope that things can be better.

Thoughts? Has anyone else experienced this? Where you feel in the absolute pit of despair, but try to allow yourself to let somebody else 'hold the hope'?

I can't answer your question, but wanted to say that I understand and relate to your situation, and am happy that your T is willing to meet your needs where you are.

I try to but I often fail. I think you are very courageous and strong, very strong to do so, I admire your ability. I think your T is doing something very good for you, I don't know if you have trust issues or a fear of abandonement, or perhaps nobodies come through for you, but maybe she is trying to prove to you that you can depend on some people or something. I would love to have your T! I hope all goes well for you!

Somebody has to do it. I remember at one point telling my t he was elected. Lucky him, right? They have a weird, awful job - but tg they do. It kinda helps if you know that your t has his moments in the darkness too but somehow for some reason survives them.

Often, I find myself holding onto the hope that my T has for me when I can't see it myself. I try to believe in his hope to get me through. I think it's wonderful that your T is trying to meet you where you're at. That's pretty fantastic.

Thanks for your replies guys. Obviously, I wouldn't wish this kind of fuddled, fearful, miserable emotional state on anyone, but there is comfort in knowing others know where I'm coming from.

My T said to email her last night, to get the toxic stuff out if I could, before seeing each other today. Even though I've always been a great fan of emailing til quite recently, for some reason I felt like it was pointless and I couldn't be bothered - but I made myself do it, and lo and behold it did help. I think it's probably a mark of how much I do trust her, really, that I can be doubtful and still give stuff a go because she thinks it will have a good chance of helping. So then I end up feeling better in a twofold way - because not only was the writing cathartic, but also because I deliberately chose to not withdraw even more despite reeeeeeallly wanting to.

Dealing with pain and trauma and challenging maladaptive behaviours is not only exhausting, it's a rollercoaster

I'm glad you were able to let her help. I'm glad that she is able to be there for you. (hugs)
when I lose hope, I often find myself placing it in my T's hands... I let them take on the burden of hope so it's not lost forever. But that only works when I trust the particular T. I trust my current T, and putting my trust in her to help me stay together has been really helpful. I can't do it forever, but at the moment, it's a big relief. I often worry about my hopelessness, and sink lower because I get down on myself for being so hopeless.

My t is constantly telling me that it's OK if I don't believe - I just need to believe that he believes. It helps to focus on that sometimes when the waves get really bad.