[purple orchid]

My T has really helped me to overcome some major issues in my life that I never thought I would be able to get over.
He has helped me realise and accept that I suffer with depression and find ways to help myself cope.
However, the more I carry on with T and study myself, my thoughts and behaviour the more faults I find with myself and it brings me down. I know that nobody is perfect but I find that I'm so hard on myself.
I can really relate to the saying "ignorance is bliss".
I'm stubborn and can't get motivated to change yet on the other hand, I beat myself up for being like this and not being able to change.
I really wish I hadn't started all this self studying as it turning into self loathing.
There seems no end to it as I know I will never be able to achieve my own unrealistic high expectations.
Sorry for waffling on.
Is this some sort of personality disorder? Does anybody else feel like this?

[unaluna]

Oh yeah. If you listen carefully, you might be able to hear the little voice telling you to do the "bad" things, whatever they are. Some schools of psychology call that "the bad self-object". It's like in the old cartoons, when a character had a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, and they were both versions of himself. A dysfunctional raising up will have you listening to the "devil" side more - not doing things that would be supportive of your success.

[purple orchid]

Originally Posted by hankster

Oh yeah. If you listen carefully, you might be able to hear the little voice telling you to do the "bad" things, whatever they are. Some schools of psychology call that "the bad self-object". It's like in the old cartoons, when a character had a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, and they were both versions of himself. A dysfunctional raising up will have you listening to the "devil" side more - not doing things that would be supportive of your success.

Thanks for replying. You understood me well.
People say I'm so patient and I've actually had several people say I'm like an angel. Which was really nice.
I suppose I am patient and caring towards other people but boy there is a big fat devil sitting on my shoulder.
I'm completely impatient with myself, I can definately hear the little voice shouting out to myself to sabotage my good intentions and plans for myself.
So, how do I sort this devil out then?

[healingme4me]

What do you feel, is supposed to 'change'? TBH, therapeutic 'change', is subtle, more about developing more rational thought processes. It can be even simple word choices(outloud and in our minds). Is your therapist using cognitive behavior therapy? Or do you know(sometimes, it's just in there, without being expressed).

Kind,,patient, like an angel, what's in need of changing, and where is self loathing coming in?

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[purple orchid]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

What do you feel, is supposed to 'change'? TBH, therapeutic 'change', is subtle, more about developing more rational thought processes. It can be even simple word choices(outloud and in our minds). Is your therapist using cognitive behavior therapy? Or do you know(sometimes, it's just in there, without being expressed).

Kind,,patient, like an angel, what's in need of changing, and where is self loathing coming in?

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

Thanks for the reply.
My T is big on CBT and it has helped me with some big issues but now I'm just stuck.
I am nice to other people but mean and hard with myself.
One of my big goals at the moment is to lose weight and I'm failing miserably. I can't accept little steps, I want to just wake up and be able to exercise and eat healthy food and lose loads of weight straight away but I sabotage myself everyday and I feel like a failure. I am beating myself up about it.
My T must be getting exasperated with me as I am making no progress.

[unaluna]

Thank you for your kind words. The hardest thing for me was to realize that I was ALLOWED to eat. My mother gave the worst dieting advice ever. She used to eat burned toast because she claimed it had fewer calories. Even as a little kid I thought that was nonsense. So - where does your bad diet advice come from? There is a book by Jenny Shaefer - Living Without Ed - where I realized that her eating disorder sounded just like my parents did when I was growing up. It's amazing to me that I didnt even detect how negative they wrre before that. But it's like they say - a fish doesn't notice water. I'm a sweet person too, but I dont know how to take nice care of myself, because no one ever did.

[purple orchid]

Originally Posted by hankster

Thank you for your kind words. The hardest thing for me was to realize that I was ALLOWED to eat. My mother gave the worst dieting advice ever. She used to eat burned toast because she claimed it had fewer calories. Even as a little kid I thought that was nonsense. So - where does your bad diet advice come from? There is a book by Jenny Shaefer - Living Without Ed - where I realized that her eating disorder sounded just like my parents did when I was growing up. It's amazing to me that I didnt even detect how negative they wrre before that. But it's like they say - a fish doesn't notice water. I'm a sweet person too, but I dont know how to take nice care of myself, because no one ever did.

I eat for comfort when I feel sad or lonely, which is quite often. Of course this does nothing for my weight loss and I just end up putting on more weight and feeling more hopeless.
Probably it has something to do with my childhood too, but I'm not sure what.
I'll check out the book, thank you for your thoughts.
Please try to take good care of yourself hankster, I'm sure you are a sweet person and you deserve to be taken good care of.

[tinyrabbit]

This isn't you talking. It's the depression talking.

It's not the truth. It just pretends to be.

[learning1]

Originally Posted by purple orchid

Thanks for replying. You understood me well.
People say I'm so patient and I've actually had several people say I'm like an angel. Which was really nice.
I suppose I am patient and caring towards other people but boy there is a big fat devil sitting on my shoulder.
I'm completely impatient with myself, I can definately hear the little voice shouting out to myself to sabotage my good intentions and plans for myself.
So, how do I sort this devil out then?

I don't know but I hope someone else will answer