Lesson learned?

Some of you may know that over the weekend I was panicking about rather I had upset my T with a text message I had sent. I fear being rejected by my T and when she didn't respond to my text, fear, panic, embarrassment overwhelmed me and I ended up doing SIB.
Turns out, my T never saw the text message because she left her work phone at the office over the weekend and didn't even see it until this morning. Also, she wasn't in the least upset by it. All my panic and punishment was for nothing. I jumped to a conclusion and allowed that to control my emotions all weekend. I talked to my T about what I was feeling but couldn't really talk over the details and circumstances they stemmed from. I noted that I often assume/think/believe the worst. I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY. I really hope that the next time I find myself in similar circumstances, I'll remember this painful-torturous weekend and hopefully, I'll be more patient. I have to stop assuming the worst and regulate my emotions better in the future. Now, I just feel foolish because know that I know, I can see my actions were really irrational.
Thank you all for your patience and support over the weekend. It was greatly appreciated and I hope I can return the favor to you some day if you need it.

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BTDT and got the tshirt

…ha! I have season tickets to that…

same here i am a queen at thinking the worst of my T and people. im glad things have been worked out

Glad it wasn't as bad as you feared. I tend to do similar things and then feel foolish. I never seen to learn to :/

Me either! When I'm wondering if I will ever learn, I think about all the other really difficult things I've managed to do & I figure there's still a chance.

I'm glad ShrinkP. got some relief after a rough weekend. Here's hoping you both learn faster than me

SP I'm so glad it went well, that there was a bona fide reason for your T's not responding, and that you were able to talk about your feelings too and resolve the awful state you had to endure for the weekend

I highlighted a couple of sentences in your post - I had a similar experience recently with T where I just assumed blindly (didn't even think about it, it was my automatic spontaneous interpretation of things he said) that he was reflecting me in a really negative way - not critically or intending to hurt, but in that objective 'this is who you are' therapist's type of way. It completely wrecked me for the week between sessions no matter how much I rationalized it all, until the subsequent session and suddenly his explaining what he meant allowed me to flip flop from MY negative world view to seeing what he actually meant, and it was in fact positive, not negative at all. How I could misunderstand something so obviously NOT negative is beyond me, except to point up that that's how I automatically see the world, a bit like your jumping to conclusions that then take on a life and reality of their own.

Second highlighted comment gets me though - I too think, ok right I now KNOW what I did, I should be able to anticipate and pre-empt it happening again right? It felt bad enough, as your awful weekend must have, to be some sort of object lesson? Hahahahahaha within days I was reacting in exactly the same way (not to T, but in real world) and after the event I could dimly recognize that I'd once again misinterpreted, jumped to negative conclusions, but for the life of me I couldn't have stopped myself doing it in the moment nor for the length of the time the negative feelings had me in their grip. Feelings equal reality - even if they're not at all an accurate reflection of reality.

Ugh sorry for long ramble, I really just wanted to say that I think it's great how this got resolved and you were able to get a valuable insight from it, and I hope you will be able to apply what you learnt with this, to future situations. It's those damned feelings, they rule the roost!

Oh and as for your last comment, ShrinkPatient, you've already returned the favour many times over

I've done the same thing with emails multiple times. The agony I create for myself! I'm beginning to learn from it a little.

Lamplighter...
I am the queen of jumping to worst conclusion. I always assume I'm about to be disappointed. It just seems easier to expect the worse. I don't know if I'll really remember this lesson in RL or not, but I do hope I'm getting closer to not expecting the worst from my T. For the most part, she's been very dependable and she doesn't deserve my constant mistrust. Also, the paranoia and pain associated with constantly believing people's affections aren't genuine. My weekend was horrible and it's my own fault but in those moments I was so overwhelmed with panic and fear. Then, I go to therapy Monday and leave feeling 100% better. Damn emotional regulation. I'll never have it under control, let alone mastered and perception is reality.

Thank you for all your encouragement and support. It really appreciated more then I can convey...

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