[Yogix]

How do you even cope with such a situation?

I hate to admit it, but I went to session rather under the influence (I smoked before hand.)

I know how stupid, disrespectful and rude it was, but I did it because I was just so mentally exhausted from the past two weeks when my T was out of the country, and I felt like the only way I could get the nerves down yesterday was smoking.

Now, I admitted to smoking right at the end of session, to which my T replied "wow, I didn't even know you were high. I couldn't tell at all." But she told me she wasn't mad, but that we would not have any more sessions if I was under the influence which is completely, completely understandable.

She repeatedly told me she wasn't angry with me, but that she didn't like me choice. And she asked me "you smoked knowing you had session?" But in a very concerned and sad voice.

She was disappointed, very much so. I apologized and apologized, and she told me not too, but to learn from this mistake. And that she makes tons of stupid decisions so she's not mad.

But I know she's disappointed.

We switched topics after, and she asked me what my plans were for the weekend, and when my orientation for my new job starts, etc.

But I see her Tuesday, and I'm so nervous that she's really, very disappointed.

I'm disappointed enough with myself and all I did was self-criticize and judge yesterday. I don't need her disappointed, too.

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[Daeva]

She may be disappointed, however she still cares for you and is not mad, I think actually she was more sad than anything that you had to use a substance to calm down instead of trusting her to calm you down. Maybe she's feeling a bit inadequate/incompetent. She cares for you, and if she's not mad this can blow over by simply not doing it again, it won't last.

[Yogix]

Originally Posted by Daeva

She may be disappointed, however she still cares for you and is not mad, I think actually she was more sad than anything that you had to use a substance to calm down instead of trusting her to calm you down. Maybe she's feeling a bit inadequate/incompetent. She cares for you, and if she's not mad this can blow over by simply not doing it again, it won't last.

I really appreciate that. She told me multiple times that this doesn't change how she cares/feels for me. And when I asked her a second time if she was mad, she looked at me so kindly and said no, I'm not mad. I don't like your decision but I'm not mad.

I still just hate knowing that I did that, because I didn't nor ever want her to feel inadequate. I didn't even think about her feeling that way until you mentioned it.

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[IndestructibleGirl]

Try not to beat yourself up. There was a reason you did what you did, I'm not making excuses but it definitely was a reason. You needed something to get you through.

I've gone in after a few drinks before, fully compos mentis but tipsy. I never even thought of it as disrespectful - I'd simply been having champagne on the heath with friends on a summer afternoon one Sunday and my session was that evening. My T didn't mention it. Don't know if she knew I'd consumed booze to be honest. So I don't think drink or smoke is automatically disrespectful to your T. You're human, you're not always perfectly behaved.

[Yogix]

Thank you for that too. I want to address it onn Tuesday, but I don't know if I should just let it go.

Or if I should address it, what I should say.

I've never had this experience before.

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I understand your wanting reassurance but I'd suggest letting it go. You already apologized and talked about it. If you absolutely need to say something, I'd recommend "are we still good?" Then, after she responds "yes of course we are", let it go.

[ThisWayOut]

Maybe you could address what brought on the use before therapy? I know I would probably feel the need to explain myself, and maybe get a better picture of why the choice was made. She doesn't seem mad from what you described, more necessarily disappointed too much, But more concerned. I'm not sure if you have an issue with poor coping, but if that's something you are working on I'm therapy, it may be worth revisiting. (Hugs)

[stopdog]

I don't think a therapist has any place being disappointed in a client. I would not worry about it if it were me.

[Karrebear]

It doesn't sound like she is disappointed in you at all. I know the fear though. Try not to read into it too much. It does, however, you are disappointed in yourself

[Yogix]

Thanks everyone. She did tell me a bunch of times that she's not mad or anything. But just the look on her face made me feel like she was deeply upset and frustrated with me.

But after the fact she was laughing about other topics when something was funny and acting normal. I guess the more I think about it, the more I just wonder how she really thinks.

I don't want to stress about it, but it's quite hard not to.

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[ready2makenice]

It happens,we all make mistakes,like she says.

I have done this also twice actually,came in before using a substance and it didn't really kick in until mid session and I started acting wonking. T realized and I confessed that I was a little high. The other time she already knew and was upset with me. Told me not to come back like that again,and it wasn't acceptable. I understand why you did it. I'm sure you feel embarrassed (well I did) but it happens.

Honestly,if you apologized,there is nothing more you can do at this point. If you feel the need,just explain to her what was happening before you came to see her.

I'm sure she understands and I'm sure you're not the 1st client that has done that.