[catblack]

Ive been suffering from on and off depression for maybe 10 years or more. I get overwhelmed by stress and I have a tendency to sink into periods that last for months or even a year of debilitating self-loathing. A lot of damage has come out of that already. I dropped out of college 10 years ago because of depression, Ive lost all my friends because of depression, I think I even have some level of social anxiety and I dont even bother to look for normal work, because I cant take the stress of going to interviews or working with people. Luckily I manage to do some work from home, but I dont make a lot of money that way, which of course, adds to depression...

Anyway I first went to a psychiatrist a couple of years ago, but she wasnt the talking kind. She just prescribed antidepressants which I took for a while with moderate effects.

A few months after getting off meds I sank into deeper depression than ever before. I finally went to a new therapist this week, but I found the conversation I had with her very unsettling.

Yet, since Im so full of self-doubt, I am doubting my right to find the conversation unsettling. Maybe she was right in what she said to me? Maybe Im just being a crybaby over nothing? Maybe she told me right and Im too childish to accept it?

In short, after a brief interview during which I think I cried more than I talked and made any sense, she told me that her conclusion is that all my life I have just avoided unpleasant situations and that I have to learn that nothing will happen in life if I dont make an effort. Thats where we left it off. She scheduled the next appointment with me at a deliberately incommoding time for me - at 7 am - because I told her I was a nightbird and had a tendency to work all night. She says thats to teach me to make an effort.

So now Im feeling even more pathetic and worthless than before and thinking - this is it, the evil voice inside my head has won. The one that always told me that I was useless and inept and lazy and stupid and immature and worthless - that one was right. Not the voice that told me its not my fault cos I just have an unlucky brain chemistry. No no.
Its my own fault im depressed. Im depressed because I have unrealistic expectations that life should be too easy and Im lazy and I just dont try hard enough.

Im writing this here because I wonder if other people get told such things by therapists. I wonder what you think of it? Is she being cruel or just realistic? Is that how therapy looks? Is this "facing"? Am I just refusing to "accept"? Is therapy supposed to be painful? Already at the first appointment? I read somewhere that in CBT how you feel about doing things doesnt matter, that you just have to do what your therapist tells you. Is that it?

Am I a weakling for wanting to never go back to this womans office again? Would that just be avoiding unpleasant things again and taking the easy way out?

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Catblack.

Originally Posted by catblack

...after a brief interview during which I think I cried more than I talked and made any sense, she told me that her conclusion is that all my life...

This bothers me. The therapist came to sweeping conclusions about you on the basis of little information. I feel that is methodologically unsound. My guess (stress guess) is that this therapist slapped one of her favorite ready-made psych templates on you and will treat you in such ways as to verify her first impressions of you.

Certainly, effective therapy can be challenging and even painful. It is unlikely someone who has not taken the time necessary to get to know you and gain your trust will be able to provide such therapy.

Hopefully others here will chime in with a range of views.

Make yourself at home, Catblack.

[pegasus]

Hello catblack,

Do not go back to this therapist, she/he is not a good fit and quite frankly sucks! Please find another one.

[unaluna]

You dont have to be right or wrong to dislike something. You can just dislike it, period. My t (therapist) calls what your t is doing, kind of like tough love therapy. Im a night bird myself. My t is not! If i were you, i would find a kinder, gentler t. One who follows Carl Rogers, not Mussolini.

[wheelchair person]

The patient client relationship, even at the beginning, is important.A first impression is important, and a second impression could result in a different opinion. Always remember, you ARE the most important in your dealing with others. As a nurse told me, if you feel like you have been 'hurt', then you have been hurt. Even if no one else feels like it "should have hurt you" it does not matter. Your feelings, are exactly what YOU feel right then, and it's affect on you matters to YOU.

There are good and bad therapists out there, just as there are good and bad of everything. What works for one person, does not always work for another person. Go with what you feel. If you like a therapist, you instantly feel better, and therefore, I think, you would benefit more from the advice you receive.

Can you try other therapists so that you can make a more informed decision as to who seems to be a good fit for you? What she is saying could be true, but even if it is, her approach might not be good for you. Is she young/inexperienced? It seems odd that a therapist would say these things to someone in your state of mind, who has been depressed for 10 years.

I've read that depression will often subside on its own, after a year or two; 10 years is a long time to have to suffer through this. It seems like you should aggressively pursue therapy (if at all possible) since you have been slipping further into a dark place of isolation. I also think that self-loathing and the voices are things that might indicate that psychodynamic therapy could be a better option for you than CBT. I think that CBT therapy can sometimes strengthen a superego (the voices) that is already over compensated for.

The more I think about what she said to you the more I think that she is inexperienced or has limited experience in terms of the types of patients she has treated. Can I ask why you quit taking your medications?

[~EnlightenMe~]

It sounds like you haven't found the right therapist. It sounds like she's giving you more of the same, which just continues the cycle. Have you interviewed other therapists? Keep us posted.

[stopdog]

I would not go back to such a therapist.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Purely for the scheduling thing alone, I would not go back to this therapist. Insisting on a time that's inconvenient to you just to teach you a lesson? So inappropriate. Therapy should be a relationship built on respect, not a power struggle.

I'm bothered by the fact that the T seems to think they know all your problems based on one session. I'm bothered that she left you so upset with no concrete skills to deal with the feelings that were stirred up.

Yes, what she said is true - you do have to make an effort in life to get somewhere, but a therapist's job is to meet you where you're at and help you develop the skills to move forward. Not to criticize and blame. Sometimes, my T will tell me rather harsh truths, that I'd rather not hear, but we always talk through them, she makes sure I'm okay with what's been said, and she's very good about knowing when to push and when to support me.

[Favorite Jeans]

Holy crap! She sounds like a nightmare.

One thing I like about my therapist is that she is gentle and accepting. She doesn't try to get me to change or tell me what I need to do or pass judgements about all the things I've done wrong or point out how much better I could do things if I just tried. She will meet me where I am, she tells me all the time that whatever kind of space I'm in is okay and she won't ask me to be or do anything else.

You'd think this would just enable me to get stuck in the same old rut but it hasn't. I've changed in some really good ways. But not because she told me I had to. She hasn't given me instructions or told me I had to add more challenges to my already overwhelming life.

I think most of us do the best we can. If you could "just do it" Catblack, I bet you'd have done it already. I hope you find a T who helps you feel better by honouring who you are and helping you make sense of your story. It sounds like you don't need one more harsh, critical voice in your life. You do that to yourself already. Good luck finding the kind, warm, accepting T you need.

Also, if meds were moderately helpful and you got worse after stopping them maybe it's time to reassess that decision.

[ThisWayOut]

I've had really bad first experiences with some therapists. Generally if session one is that bad then they will all be bad. It's ok to be challenging to a client, but that should come after some measure of trust is built up. Whether out not she thinks you need to put more effort into things, she should start with accommodating where you're at. Almost tenant one is that you meet clients where they're at and work towards change...
I'm sorry it was such a horrid experience. I hope you can find someone that's a good fit for you.

[A Red Panda]

I wouldn't be able to go back to someone. I don't need to be told how everything is basically all my fault... I don't need more guilt thrown at me. I need to feel accepted and like I could trust the person to NOT crush what little I have left.

And the scheduling thing? That is just being a jerk. Who even starts work at 7am if they can choose their hours?! To do that literally as like a punishment to you... that's just twisted to me. I wouldn't go back just due to that if nothing else. Their job is to HELP you and that doesn't mean making them do a 180 in their life instantly. That's impossible.

[Elektra_]

hi there. supposedly therapists shouldnt use conformation right away but if i were u i would not give up just yet. i think she will do a good job. if u think she keeps being to harsh with what she says talk about it with her. we dont need someone to "pet" us but someone that confront us when our behavior isnt the correct one. tc

[blur]

she really doesn't sound like a good fit for you. i'd look for another T that is more compassionate. a 7am appointment for a night owl is just ridiculous. i know this night owl would never make it.

[growlycat]

What they said above!!! Only RUN!!!

[FrayedEnds]

I would never go back to a T like that.

[Bill3]

She is not the one.

I would not go back. You are perfectly within your rights to cancel the appointment at 7am (it is NOT appropriate to suggest that your internal body clock, which is a biological fact, has anything to do with "not making an effort") and look for another therapist.

Sometimes the first impression can be misleading, but to me it sounds like there are just too many red flags with this one - she seems to be jumping to conclusions really quickly, and a therapist simply should not do that.

[catblack]

Wow, so many replies! Thank you guys, so much! I see you're almost unanimous in your opinions, which helps a lot. You've all been very reassuring.

I was initially referred to this therapist, who is apparently a psychologist with training in CBT (and not that young at all), by the psychiatrist. I discussed this problem today with the psychiatrist and definitely decided to cancel further appointments with that therapist.

Not sure what I'll do for counseling for the time being, not sure how good a counseling I'll get from this psychiatrist, but she's starting me on ‪venlafaxine‬ now so we'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll look for counseling elsewhere or look for a different shrink all together eventually.

Thanks everyone once more!

[skysblue]

I disagree with everyone who thinks you should give her another chance. She has shown her colors and they're not pleasant.

Those posters who have advised 'run', I agree with 100%.

I too would say, stay away, if you feel no connection, as I had with my therapist, I tried to stick with it and ended up hating her with a very strong passion! I waisted a lot of my time and limited effort, and now have a very low/poor/bad view on them all,

find a new one....

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yes you are right to dislike this therapist.

You will also be right to call and cancel that 7:00 a.m. appointment.

You deserve someone who will have some empathy and compassion for you and your struggles.

Not some fascist who draws such sweeping conclusions about you after only one brief meeting.

Good ones are out there, so don't settle for this bad one.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[anilam]

Honestly? My experience with CBT was similar- had a group in a hospital. It did work for some ppl (depression, OCD)... not me though. I left feeling it's my fault I feel so bad.
I'd cancel the 7 am appt. and start looking for a new T.

[growlycat]

My CBT therapist is warm, funny, charming and nonjudgemental. Your T sounds really harsh to me--Not all CBT is the same.

Originally Posted by catblack

I was initially referred to this therapist, who is apparently a psychologist with training in CBT (and not that young at all), by the psychiatrist. I discussed this problem today with the psychiatrist and definitely decided to cancel further appointments with that therapist.

Not sure what I'll do for counseling for the time being, not sure how good a counseling I'll get from this psychiatrist, but she's starting me on ‪venlafaxine‬ now so we'll see how it goes. Maybe I'll look for counseling elsewhere or look for a different shrink all together eventually.

This is good to hear. I hope the Effexor helps. That's one that can sometimes help when other meds did not, so it makes sense to start a trial.

Sometimes referrals are the best way to find a therapist, but I've been sort of burned before too. I guess we are the ones who ultimately have to seek out the right person. Please keep us updated.