[mswinter]

I have not seen my therapist since September, so roughly 3 months. I had seen him for 1 year and 6 months before our last session. But the last time I saw him things went really badly, for me, to the point that at the end I broke down, began to sob and became unable to speak. My therapist sat across from me, clearly feeling frustrated/annoyed and told me, without compassion, "Tell me what you are feeling." After more silence, he said, with even more frustration, "Talk to me."

What brought this up was the fact that I told him I could not trust him; he reacted very defensively and pointed out that I was in no position to tell him that he could not be trusted because he was seeing me at a discounted rate (I had switched employers and lost my insurance in the process; our session was the very first and only not covered by insurance so he charged me less). His exact words were, "I'm seeing you at about one third or one quarter of the rate so I don't think you are in the position of telling me that I'm not to be trusted."

What he said, basically, was, "You don't pay me enough to question me." In that moment I realized that my value in the room was determined by what I paid. And since I had lost my insurance, I didn't pay him enough to be valued.

If I had paid my regular fee, I suppose, I could have told him that I didn't trust him... but not if I received a discount. It broke my heart, and all I could do was cry and shut down. I never went back.

I'm currently going through some difficult moments so I reached out to him last week and asked if I could have a session, after 3 months, and pay out of pocket as I still don't have insurance. He scheduled me for this coming Monday.

There will be no "repairing" - we have had raptures before that were never repaired; it was a "keep it moving" atmosphere and raptures were yesterday's news.

I'm not sure what to expect. I'm still very hurt, disappointed and angry, but I have also missed him tremendously.

Has anyone been in the same position? If yes, how was meeting after a long break and a disastrous last session?

[LolaCabanna]

Perhaps you could just agree to let the past remain the past by simply stating so at the beginning of the session? Although if it still bothers you about how the last session ended you are well within your rights to let T know that his words regarding the agreed upon reduced fee from last time were inappropriate and hurt you. Reduced fee should not mean reduce rights of quality of care.

[RTerroni]

I know it can be hard, it will probably be about 3 months for me by the time I go back to Therapy sometime in January (intake scheduled for January 6th) but for me it will be at a whole new practice.

Although with a prior Therapist of mine I would sometimes go several weeks without seeing her while I worked a seasonal job (such as the Census back in 2009 and 2010) but in those cases we weren't on bad terms I just didn't have time for Therapy while I was working the jobs.

[unaluna]

I would find a different t. This one sounds emotionally abusive. Try the county for sliding scale? Unless you can stand up to him like that and he responds okay. What did you mean about not trusting him? Maybe he was just feeling insulted by that?

[anilam]

If he really said so and meant that, I'd find a new T. No reason to treat you differently because you pay less.

However, the way I see it couldn't he be proving himself to you? Like you can trust me, look you're paying me so little and yet I still care and am here with you? Obviously, I wasn't there but it could be an alternative. It happened to me often enough that I heard in therapy what I was expecting to hear and not what my T was telling me... Discussing it helps.

The practice of not dealing with raptures would not work for me. I need to be really open in therapy no things unsaid between T and me.
Could you bring it up if you wanted to?
Or is he the one not wanting to discuss it?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by mswinter

I have not seen my therapist since September, so roughly 3 months. I had seen him for 1 year and 6 months before our last session. But the last time I saw him things went really badly, for me, to the point that at the end I broke down, began to sob and became unable to speak. My therapist sat across from me, clearly feeling frustrated/annoyed and told me, without compassion, "Tell me what you are feeling." After more silence, he said, with even more frustration, "Talk to me."

What brought this up was the fact that I told him I could not trust him; he reacted very defensively and pointed out that I was in no position to tell him that he could not be trusted because he was seeing me at a discounted rate (I had switched employers and lost my insurance in the process; our session was the very first and only not covered by insurance so he charged me less). His exact words were, "I'm seeing you at about one third or one quarter of the rate so I don't think you are in the position of telling me that I'm not to be trusted."

What he said, basically, was, "You don't pay me enough to question me." In that moment I realized that my value in the room was determined by what I paid. And since I had lost my insurance, I didn't pay him enough to be valued.

If I had paid my regular fee, I suppose, I could have told him that I didn't trust him... but not if I received a discount. It broke my heart, and all I could do was cry and shut down. I never went back.

I'm currently going through some difficult moments so I reached out to him last week and asked if I could have a session, after 3 months, and pay out of pocket as I still don't have insurance. He scheduled me for this coming Monday.

There will be no "repairing" - we have had raptures before that were never repaired; it was a "keep it moving" atmosphere and raptures were yesterday's news.

I'm not sure what to expect. I'm still very hurt, disappointed and angry, but I have also missed him tremendously.

Has anyone been in the same position? If yes, how was meeting after a long break and a disastrous last session?

I repaired three or four ruptures. But looking back, perhaps repair is not the right word. The issues were never resolved, but I was able to work with Madame T again.

Maybe it was my imagination, but she always seemed to be softer and warmer when I went back, and gradually became colder and harder again from month to month. That would trigger the next rupture.

She never accepted any responsibility for the ruptures.

[harvest moon]

I'm shocked of what he said to you. He had no right whatsoever to say these offensive words to you, no matter how much you paid. I pay him as well almost 1/10 of his fee, but he would never use this as a means of discrimination or emotional abuse. Please find another T, I cannot see how this one can help you anymore.

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by harvest moon

I'm shocked of what he said to you. He had no right whatsoever to say these offensive words to you, no matter how much you paid. I pay him as well almost 1/10 of his fee, but he would never use this as a means of discrimination or emotional abuse. Please find another T, I cannot see how this one can help you anymore.

Exactly. What you do or don't pay should not come up as part of a response by the therapist unless, of course, you are specifically talking about the financial aspect of therapy. His words were defensive and perhaps validated your feelings of a lack of trust in him, the very concern you had to begin with. I know how difficult it can be to discontinue a therapy relationship but unless he is willing to talk about what happened, and take responsibility for his words and do so without being defensive and hurtful, I would strongly consider not going back. You deserve to be treated with respect.

[LoneWolfie]

He is an asshole! I'm sorry that he has hurt you and he is unprofessional. What does your issue with trusting him have to do with what he is paid? Nothing!

I have been with my t for about the same time as you and at times I wonder to myself how much I trust her. I am borderline and have abandonment issues so it seems to come up every few months.

Do you think you can get past what he said to you? I know that I couldn't myself but maybe you can. I know that finding a new t is not easy but maybe it is time to move on.

[iGottaBme]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I repaired three or four ruptures. But looking back, perhaps repair is not the right word. The issues were never resolved, but I was able to work with Madame T again.

She never accepted any responsibility for the ruptures.

I had similar situations with therapeutic ruptures that never got resolved. My ex T would not take responsibility. We could never agree on what the problem was. I continued to see him. I think that we both silently agreed after awhile to never discuss the issues leading to the ruptures. Trust was shattered and we lost a lot of ground. I am not sure that it was either good or bad that I continued therapy with him. I think that it taught me that not everything can be worked through.

Ruptures do get resolved and can even help the process. Just know that it doesn't always turn out that way.

I think that your T is being harsh and is saying that after all he has done for you by reducing his fee that you are not seeing the sacrifices that he has made on your behalf and how dare you question him. I think that he was not very skillful in getting his point across. You have the right to express that there is something wrong in your therapy even if he is reducing the fee. One thing really has little to do with the other because he agreed to the fee. Perhaps you can tell him just that.

[purplemystery]

It seems to me that what happened was that his ego was hurt because it's his job to be trustworthy. So he blamed it on you not acting "right." Well, I have been seeing my current T for 3+ years and I still don't completely trust her. I can't even look my T in the eye, and she doesn't judge me. She has gotten frustrated with me before when I've been silent, but she took responsibility for her part in that, and we worked it out. I have made significant gains just recently, but it's a process that takes a long time. I hope you don't judge yourself too harshly for not being able to trust your T. I would find another T, one that can be patient and understanding. This one seems to be neither. But if you do go back, I hope that you two can work on this rupture because I think it's important not to let it go and harbor negative feelings for the relationship.

[Nerak67]

I had a similar thing with a t. I felt like she threw it up in my face that I was aching less. But, she wasn't saying I deserved less care but rather the fact that she charged me less was evidence of how much she cared. I still felt a little like she was shaming me. I think maybe this is what your t was trying to say. Maybe?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Nerak67

I had a similar thing with a t. I felt like she threw it up in my face that I was aching less. But, she wasn't saying I deserved less care but rather the fact that she charged me less was evidence of how much she cared. I still felt a little like she was shaming me. I think maybe this is what your t was trying to say. Maybe?

Even if that is true, it is a very tactless thing to say. The patient is almost certain to feel humiliated.

[Nerak67]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Even if that is true, it is a very tactless thing to say. The patient is almost certain to feel humiliated.

I totally agree. If a t agrees to a fee they shouldn't make the client feel badly about it

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Nerak67

I totally agree. If a t agrees to a fee they shouldn't make the client feel badly about it

But the wily T will follow up with, "Why do you feel it is shameful to be poor? Let's talk about your attitudes to wealth and poverty."

What brought this up was the fact that I told him I could not trust him; he reacted very defensively and pointed out that I was in no position to tell him that he could not be trusted because he was seeing me at a discounted rate (I had switched employers and lost my insurance in the process; our session was the very first and only not covered by insurance so he charged me less). His exact words were, "I'm seeing you at about one third or one quarter of the rate so I don't think you are in the position of telling me that I'm not to be trusted."

My reaction when reading this was omg followed by anger. I can't believe he said that. Trust has got to be a foundation. If (for example) your spouse violates your trust it is probably worth it to try and resolve it but this is somebody without a vested interest in your life other than a paycheck. He basically SAID that. I spent a wasted year in a group where I didn't trust the T. He kept making it about me and I believed it. He also got defensive about things and not just with me. I started seeing a great individual T who could give me feedback and it became clear it wasn't all about me. There was a last meeting with both of them where I told him a few things and I got information that reinforced it even further. Even my T could see it. Without her I could have wasted another year or more thinking I could "fix" my trust issue with him.

Please don't waste your time with this jerk. It really isn't worth it. You may actually be lucky he was so blatant about it.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by anilam

If he really said so and meant that, I'd find a new T. No reason to treat you differently because you pay less.

However, the way I see it couldn't he be proving himself to you? Like you can trust me, look you're paying me so little and yet I still care and am here with you? Obviously, I wasn't there but it could be an alternative. It happened to me often enough that I heard in therapy what I was expecting to hear and not what my T was telling me... Discussing it helps.

The practice of not dealing with raptures would not work for me. I need to be really open in therapy no things unsaid between T and me.
Could you bring it up if you wanted to?
Or is he the one not wanting to discuss it?

l think this is a good point. l have learned that sometimes my assumptions about a situation are not always correct and are often driven by "my stuff". l would suggest you check this out with him but know, from my own experience, that can be a terrifying proposition. l think it is great you have reached out again after 3 months. Soup