Facing T's mortality

I just got back from my yearly trip "home" and I got to see my main T in person finally.

I always worry that a whole year will underscore how much older he is getting (he's got to be approaching 70 by now). He physically looks good, but he seems "slower" somehow, less verbally quick, and he seems to take longer to react to what I'm saying. It worries me.

I can't imagine my life without his support but that day is coming eventually. Seeing a CBT T out here is a bit of insurance in a way--if something happens to main T then I'm not totally stranded.

Main T asked me about CBT T and how it is going. I made it clear although it is working well, main T can never be replaced. Then he surprised me with the comment "Although I can't be replaced as a person I hope by now you know that my role can be replaced."

He's never spoken this way before. I'm a little shaken by it.

Has anyone lost a T to retirement or death? Has anyone been "ok" by starting again with another T? I don't know how to prepare myself for the inevitable.

I spent three months working on Madame T's mortality. Some of the finest and most productive therapy I've ever done. Looking back, I should have quit after that.

No, I do get how he meant it but honestly? Not that easy!
It's not like you can pick any other T and be fine with it. It takes time to find another fit and to adjust plus there will be a period of mourning the RS.
I think you two should discuss the possibility of him retiring. I think it's better to know it in advance so not to be blindsided. Personally, I'd like to know in advance to be able to transition slowly to another T.

In life we suffer lots of loses, including bereavement. l see the ending of my T relationship (someday) as a bereavement and another step in learning to deal with life's eventualities. Are you able to raise this issue with your T?

This is such a sad posting.

I do think it's more likely he's approaching retirement than death tho, he may be planning not to retire also. Maybe working is what's keeping him young.

I think it would be a good idea like someone suggested to be up front in your concerns. Because for as long as you consider him your main T, you'll never connect in the same way to any other T and the loss, if it is coming would be made harder by the fact that you lost him not only as a person but you lost your main therapist. Maybe it would be better for you to forge a relationship with another T and allow that to deepen.

I've tried talking to him about it but he gets offended--as if we all won't grow old!! I think I'm going to have to try again.

I've heard that some T's have action plans in place for when they die but he has been unwilling to talk to me about it. He thinks I have always worried about losing him and talking about it would feed into my longstanding fears.

He has always maintained that he does not want to retire, but he is trying to work a slightly shorter week (half day fridays) Most older men die within 5 years after retirement, so he says according to research .

I'm working with a CBT therapist locally and continuing phone therapy with my longtime T. I like my local therapist, but the way he approaches therapy is so different. I worry that it will never be as "deep" as therapy has been with my main T.

CBT T could very well end up my main T if something happens

I appreciate your thoughts on this--I wish he were more willing to talk to me about it! He says he isn't retiring but both his parents had Alzheimer's past age 75.

I can relate to your post, my T is in her early-mid 70's and I worry about to. I told her once and she said she could look after herself.. But I understand how it can make you feel.

Thanks, RQ!! I wish he were less offended and would just talk openly with me about the inevitable!!

Hugs to you too! Wish I knew the answer.

As much as I'd understand being offended talking about it from s.o. else I think Ts ahould be prepared to discuss the topic of their mortality with their clients. Like it or not (I don't) it's stg that would influence us a great deal. I too have discuss the possibility of my T dying on me- who would contact me, what would happen with his notes...
Maybe it's easier for the "younger" ones- my T just turned 50- but it's even more valid for the "older" ones...

I don't think 70 is that old that death is around the corner though certainly retirement is. My partner retired and entered into the most productive time of his life. He is now almost 90 and still works out every day. That's 20 more years beyond retirement. I know he is unusual but it has given me a different perspective on age and aging. All of his friends are in their 80s living vibrant lives. Just trying to say that fearing mortality though natural doesn't necessarily have to be connected to that particular age as inevitable. People are living longer. Still it would be good if he could answer some basic questions about retirement or what you do if something happens so that you know a bit more. I've had this discussion with mine because I sensed that he might be planning to retire. He told me his plans and we also discussed what would happen if something happened to him by going over some colleagues. It was a brief discussion that was not unpleasant at all.

Thank you for sharing

The two I see are old enough that death or retirement are probable. I deliberately chose ones in that age area, so I sort of went in assuming the risk. I have spoken to each of them about it. I would find it off putting if the therapist got defensive about such conversations.

Stopdog, I too like seeing older T's, for me I appreciate their experience.

What a interesting concept though thankfully all my Ts are in there late 30s early 40s so I'm not worried about their morality.

That's an ... unexpected attitude from a T. They are generally in favor of you exploring your fears so as to get them into perspective.

Unless the client's fears meet the T's fears which is what I think is happening here.

Retirement or death are both sensitive issues. So is your fear of losing people who are important in your life. If you need to talk about this in your therapy, you should be able to. However, given the nature and sensitivity of the topic, it might be that your T himself has not come to terms with it ... I can't know the situation but it's a possibility. Have you ever brought up the issue with your other therapists? You seem to have a strong support network with your three therapists and, while it is much preferable to talk this out with your main T, if that can't be done right now you still can talk about it in therapy with someone else, work through it at least with yourself.

Brillskep, I have 2 T's so I could talk to my CBT T about it. (sorry if I made it sound like I have 3! That would be a financial feat )

I need to plan something I'm just not sure what yet.

I had a therapist that I saw for three years, tell me in March, 2003, that in May, 2003, she was closing her practice, because at age 72, she was entering the Peace Corps. I had always suspected she would die or retire and that was how our time together would end. I was totally taken by surprise. Luckily, shee had already picked out a new therapist for me, and the New one attended several sessions before Peace Corps therapist left. I still miss peace Corps therapist.

My T and I had the conversation a few months ago about her retiring. She's 58 at this point, and expects to work for another 10 years or so... but she said she would give me 2 years notice if at all possible when she decides to retire. It's hard to even think about losing her. Our birthdays are close together and this year I feel like I don't want to get older because it means she is too and I'm getting closer to losing her. I think death is even harder to think about because it could be unexpected... but I agree with others that it is important to be able to talk about it with someone.

My T has mentioned retirement in passing a few times. I know he has a couple more years on his office lease. By then he will be around 67. He travels the world a lot currently. I can see him retiring so he can continue to travel even more. he has been a therapist for 35 years so he must be getting a little burnt out. He only works three days a week, which makes it difficult sometimes, however he is always available for me to contact him. I love the man, have been seeing him for 7 years. I am in the process of trying to leave my marriage, and he is helping me deal with this. I can see myself with him (fantasy only) at this point in his life, but I cant see myself getting involved with a man much older than him. This might sound cruel, but I have spent my whole life as a unhealthy codependent, I'm hoping if I ever do have another relationship it will be with a man somewhat vibrant and reasonably healthy. I want to start over and live out so much of what I have missed in my life.

I'm scared to death to ask him when he is going to retire. I may be going through separation from my marriage for a few years, and I really hope he will be by my side guiding me. I need him. I cant image if he retires in the middle of this huge life transition and I have to find another therapist. I hope he decides to hang in there and practice until he is 70. How dare he retire on me!!!!

I also wanted to say that while you can't replace someone with another therapist, and there is a grieving process... when I have lost people I was really attached to (some of them past therapists), it always amazes me that other people come along who become special to me in different ways. When you're with someone, you can't imagine life without them... but somehow you do adjust, and form other attachments.

I mentioned this in the thread I created about the age of your Therapists and I do believe that is a big issue when seeing someone who is an advanced age. My big concern right now is that my disability lawyer is going to retire and leave me without someone to help get SSI or SSD for me (she is 67 right now).