[Canyon]

I will start off by saying that my therapist is really nice and genuinely caring in his approach. I have no doubts about his character or skill as a therapist.

With that said, I just can't seem to trust or be honest about how I feel with him.

The easy answer would be to just get another therapist. The problem with that approach is that I have had other therapists and it pretty much results to the same thing.

I want so badly to feel trust and a higher comfort level. I just can't seem to connect.

The therapy sessions have become so arduous that I inevitably end up just sort of zoning out while he is left to go on these long speeches about different psychological approaches, theories and his experiences with other clients with similar backgrounds. He even uses my favorite hobby in metaphors to either keep my interest or build a connection, I'm not sure which.

I have been seeing this therapist for about 2 years and I have still been hoping to feel some sort of therapeutic connection. I think I may just be unable to connect with someone about what is really going on with me. At least not someone who has the ability to put me in the hospital or be called to testify in court (both have happened in the past).

IDK what exactly to do. For now, I have not seen him for a few months. I have been using transportation as an excuse not to go. I will need to face this again at some point I'm sure, either with him or someone else.

[stopdog]

Have you told the therapist this information?

[Canyon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Have you told the therapist this information?

No. The quick and most honest answer to that is that I'm scared to. I mostly don't speak up much at all. I just answer questions and listen.

[wheeler]

I know for me, when I don't speak I can't really feel a sense of connection. Especially if I walk away with something I wanted to convey.

Maybe your experience is similar and talking to your T will help the connection?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Canyon

No. The quick and most honest answer to that is that I'm scared to. I mostly don't speak up much at all. I just answer questions and listen.

You could change this approach and see if it helps.

Do you know what you want to accomplish through therapy? Do you know how you want to "be" or would like to happen when you will know you want to be done?

There are two ways to talk about some of these things... When I first started therapy and I had a hard time being open and honest and sharing... it helped me to talk about how I wanted to be and what I wanted to happen.... that for some reason was easier than talking about how I really feel and what I feel I am not... I think the impersonal way of talking about the future was easier than sharing my deep thoughts...

this sort of got me over the hump... then we worked on identifying feelings... give words for me to explain what was going on inside... i actually had a feelings chart to look at ...which used to annoy me to no end... but it really helped...

those things worked for me but I think maybe you need to resolve the whole... what is going on that he might have to report something to court (is this court ordered therapy) and under what circumstances would he hospitalize you against your will? if those things are floating around in your head then I don't think you will open up...Talk to your T about those things... I think I did that in the first or second session...

[Canyon]

Readytostop, I think what I most want to accomplish from therapy is to be able to trust in therapy and to be able to trust a therapist. I want to come from it feeling that I have been heard and accepted. That I'm not pitied or looked at as a lower form of life because of what I have been through.

I have had a therapist that I trusted in the past. I think that is why I am in the conundrum that I find myself in today. It turned out that the therapist that I trusted was not really worthy of that trust.

The thing with the ability to put me in the hospital is huge for me. I know that they only do that in cases that you are in danger of harming yourself or others, but I tend to be suicidal very much of the time. That power in someone else's hands terrifies me.

The thing with the court subpoena is really real at this time in my life-- not because anything treatment oriented is court mandated-- because I am in the midst of a court case in which I was the victim of an assault. There was a hearing a couple of weeks ago in which the dirtbag's attorney filed a motion seeking my medical/ mental health records. My therapist and the DA has informed me that it is highly likely that he will be called to testify.

It is just such a mess. Now when I really need and want to trust someone the most, it seems that I really have no one that I feel that I can.

[Hoppery]

Okay, you are scared to tell him how you feel. About what he will think? I have trust issues too! And you have them for good reason. Because of a previous bad experience in the past. And although I have found someone I can trust. I still can't seem to bring myself to tell him what I think. So instead, I write it on a letter to give him. Believe it or not, it's actually slightly easier to do this! And far less 'scary' then you would of thought. Although you feel nervous running up to the appointment, once it's done you should feel a little better.

Therapy is difficult and it's a long road from what i've seen. There are ups and downs. And lots of moments where you will doubt him. Does he know about your previous bad experience? If not, include it in the letter. Because if he doesn't know about how you feel, how can he decide how to help you best? But please, do try the letter thing. As silly as it sounds, it can help. Gather the courage to do it and do it. Don't think about the what if's or what he will think. Just do it. I don't know if it will help you, but isn't it worth a go?

Originally Posted by Canyon

Readytostop, I think what I most want to accomplish from therapy is to be able to trust in therapy and to be able to trust a therapist. I want to come from it feeling that I have been heard and accepted. That I'm not pitied or looked at as a lower form of life because of what I have been through.

I have had a therapist that I trusted in the past. I think that is why I am in the conundrum that I find myself in today. It turned out that the therapist that I trusted was not really worthy of that trust.

The thing with the ability to put me in the hospital is huge for me. I know that they only do that in cases that you are in danger of harming yourself or others, but I tend to be suicidal very much of the time. That power in someone else's hands terrifies me.

The thing with the court subpoena is really real at this time in my life-- not because anything treatment oriented is court mandated-- because I am in the midst of a court case in which I was the victim of an assault. There was a hearing a couple of weeks ago in which the dirtbag's attorney filed a motion seeking my medical/ mental health records. My therapist and the DA has informed me that it is highly likely that he will be called to testify.

It is just such a mess. Now when I really need and want to trust someone the most, it seems that I really have no one that I feel that I can.

[Canyon]

Hoppery, thanks for the input.

I like your thoughts on the letter. I do tend to be able to write about things far better than I am able to express them verbally. I especially have a problem initiating a topic. I end up just spending the time answering his questions about things that I'm not feeling the need to cover.

I think I will take you up on that. I have first sent him an email asking him if I can retain the copies of anything I write. Don't want anything to end up in a file for court.

[Hoppery]

No problem. I am the same way. Useless at verbally expressing myself correctly, but brilliant at writing! It's a bit of a pain in the backside, haha.

As well as writing the letter, why not write down what you want the session to be about? A basic plan on what you want to discuss? It may help you keep on track! Yes, you should tell your therapist that you don't want it to stay on record as you feel it is private and confidential. Something that's just between you and him. He should respect that, unless your life is in danger which I don't think it is in this case?

Originally Posted by Canyon

Hoppery, thanks for the input.

I like your thoughts on the letter. I do tend to be able to write about things far better than I am able to express them verbally. I especially have a problem initiating a topic. I end up just spending the time answering his questions about things that I'm not feeling the need to cover.

I think I will take you up on that. I have first sent him an email asking him if I can retain the copies of anything I write. Don't want anything to end up in a file for court.