[growlithing]

Sorry. I know I've been posting way too much. I'm having a rough time.

I was watching some kid's show that my brother was watching. In the show, the mom was taking care of her sick son and I just suddenly got really oddly upset. I wish my T could actually be my mom. I wish she were here right now to fuss with my hair, rub my forehead, and hold me. She's done all of that in the past (my definition of being "held" is not literally being held). I just have to accept that this is the most I will get and it's okay to only have "mom" once a week as opposed to every day all the time. I really got into playing that role while I was residential. It's probably healthier this way. I guess it's kinda like real life where kids slowly separate from their mothers. Only this wasn't slow and she isn't my real mom.

I just wish I knew she feels the same way and misses me too. I know she does. She hasn't been able to follow her own contact rules because she worries too much. The most we've gone no contact this break has been about 4 days before either I mess up and email her or she asks how I'm doing. She spent her break getting her private practice running and finishing getting licensed through some insurance so she can continue working with me. She was wanting to do that anyway but said that because I came around, she pushed to get that finished faster. I'm scared that it won't work out and that she will tell me this Thursday when I finally see her again that this will be the last time I see her. But worrying that is kinda ridiculous because I know that isn't what will happen.

It's just really hard for me to think that basically everyone who I want right now to support and nurture me are people that would leave if I couldn't pay them. But T talked to me on the phone over break and emailed me and is meeting with me on Thurs for no charge.

I don't know. I'm just being melodramatic. The only reason I'm posting this here is because I feel like I have no one to talk to about this stuff so if this is me just talking myself into circles and no one can figure out how to respond, thanks for listening. Or reading. Whatever. I go home in 3 days.

[PeeJay]

Aw Growli...this post of yours made me cry.

One of the things I am most bitter and angry about, in life, is that we get one shot at parents and if they don't work out, that's it.

We can heal, we can mourn that loss, we can lament the unfairness of it. But it doesn't change that fact of it. I cry every time I think about this.

I've read some great books on family estrangements and I've come to learn that my family of choice, and therapist, are way more supportive and healthy for me. Even if my friends require reciprocal relationships and even though my T is paid.

Not having a mom and dad means you have to outsource many functions to many people, since no two people will do what a mom and dad does.

For nurturing and motherly understanding, I rely on T. For cuddling and physical affection, I relied upon significant others and ultimately, my spouse. For career guidance, I relied up on mentors from university and bosses from my job and the university career counselor. For unconditional love and acceptance and forgiveness, I turned to God. For community and a sense of family, I have relied upon my jobs, my work teams and later in life, my church.

(I wasn't raised religious but chose a faith as an adult.)

I don't have a dog but I think it would complete my line up.

Over the years, without knowing I was doing it, I created a "Team PeeJay," of people who would help me out and be there for me. Some are paid, but many many many are not. And it feels good to give back to other stragglers and "orphans" in return.

Many people in the gay community understand this, particularly if they were born into families who rejected them for who they were. I've often gotten on well with people who also do not have strong family ties, who live far from their families of origin, and with the gay community.

And even with all this, I still cry myself a river over the lack of good parenting and over the abuse. It is just unfair and it sucks and it's hard. I don't think it's a club any of us would willingly join.

Edited to add: And I forgot the most important one! Oneself!

Self-reliance and personal responsibility are virtues for a reason. We need to know how to ask for help in life -- that is a valuable skill. But We also need to rely upon ourselves and to trust ourselves to provide for ourselves across the needs spectrum. Those needs include the need for shelter and money, but also the need for nurturing. (I'm still learning how to self-soothe without turning to vices that will hurt me.)

One of the big realizations of my 30s is that I'm in charge of my own fun. Nobody is going to make life fun for me, or take me on fancy vacations, or give me recess each day. I have to take fun more seriously. I have to give myself a creative outlet and a space to have real fun, the kind where I get to laugh and play and enjoy being on this planet. Some of the most fun activities cost so little and are so rewarding, it's just a matter of finding yours. (I know that music brings you joy. That's a gift!)

So yes, you are your biggest resource. And that's true for everyone but those of us with crap for parental support learn that sooner than the rest.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

Aw Growli...this post of yours made me cry.

One of the things I am most bitter and angry about, in life, is that we get one shot at parents and if they don't work out, that's it.

We can heal, we can mourn that loss, we can lament the unfairness of it. But it doesn't change that fact of it. I cry every time I think about this.

I've read some great books on family estrangements and I've come to learn that my family of choice, and therapist, are way more supportive and healthy for me. Even if my friends require reciprocal relationships and even though my T is paid.

Not having a mom and dad means you have to outsource many functions to many people, since no two people will do what a mom and dad does.

For nurturing and motherly understanding, I rely on T. For cuddling and physical affection, I relied upon significant others and ultimately, my spouse. For career guidance, I relied up on mentors from university and bosses from my job and the university career counselor. For unconditional love and acceptance and forgiveness, I turned to God. For community and a sense of family, I have relied upon my jobs, my work teams and later in life, my church.

(I wasn't raised religious but chose a faith as an adult.)

I don't have a dog but I think it would complete my line up.

Over the years, without knowing I was doing it, I created a "Team PeeJay," of people who would help me out and be there for me. Some are paid, but many many many are not. And it feels good to give back to other stragglers and "orphans" in return.

Many people in the gay community understand this, particularly if they were born into families who rejected them for who they were. I've often gotten on well with people who also do not have strong family ties, who live far from their families of origin, and with the gay community.

And even with all this, I still cry myself a river over the lack of good parenting and over the abuse. It is just unfair and it sucks and it's hard. I don't think it's a club any of us would willingly join.

The strange thing is that I cry over this, but I don't cry over the abuse. Not even the CSA that I now remember. Part of me wonders if that's because I haven't processed it enough to have a real emotion regarding it or if it genuinely doesn't make me sad. It makes me feel completely deflated but it doesn't hurt me emotionally in the same manner as mourning the loss of the parents I never had does. It's different. I was just thinking about this earlier when I made a powerful connection between something I couldn't explain and what I now believe happened and it was difficult but it was more difficult in the sense of being punched in the gut and less teary.

I was going to say that maybe the reason I get along so well with the gay community is because of this... but then I remembered that the demographic of my entire school is gay. Well, gay men and straight women. We don't have a lot of lesbians or straight men for whatever reason. Most of my friends were fortunate enough to have accepting and loving parents. The problem is that society wasn't as accepting and loving.

And I have my own family that I made for myself of friends and therapists. I'm so lucky to have them. I just wish it could fill the void completely.

[PeeJay]

Yeah...good point and observation on the society itself being not as accepting and loving of gays.

Definitely talk with your therapist about feeling numb about the abuse. I don't know the stages of healing from that but I imagine that anger and sadness are inevitable ... eventually.

Numbness, which is what I think you're saying? is a form of protection.

I have some huge issues that I found out regarding my origins and family truths and I felt numb about it for about 15 years! And I knew that numbness wasn't the reaction that anyone would expect. I think I just couldn't handle anything so my mind built a wall around the information. I talked about serious issues with a flat tone and a stony face - I felt nothing inside about it except marginally deflated. I could state facts but I couldn't FEEL.

Therapy is helping with that. And by helping I mean, leading to healing in a way that oftentimes feels excruciatingly painful.

This sounds so paternalistic but, good for you for having friends. I've noticed that a lot of people on these boards struggle alone. Even having one good friend in this world, which is often harsh, is an accomplishment and a treasure.

But yeah, it sucks they can't fill the void completely.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

Yeah...good point and observation on the society itself being not as accepting and loving of gays.

Definitely talk with your therapist about feeling numb about the abuse. I don't know the stages of healing from that but I imagine that anger and sadness are inevitable ... eventually.

Numbness, which is what I think you're saying? is a form of protection.

I have some huge issues that I found out regarding my origins and family truths and I felt numb about it for about 15 years! And I knew that numbness wasn't the reaction that anyone would expect. I think I just couldn't handle anything so my mind built a wall around the information. I talked about serious issues with a flat tone and a stony face - I felt nothing inside about it except marginally deflated. I could state facts but I couldn't FEEL.

Therapy is helping with that. And by helping I mean, leading to healing in a way that oftentimes feels excruciatingly painful.

This sounds so paternalistic but, good for you for having friends. I've noticed that a lot of people on these boards struggle alone. Even having one good friend in this world, which is often harsh, is an accomplishment and a treasure.

But yeah, it sucks they can't fill the void completely.

Numb about it? No, I wouldn’t quite say that. It’s kinda complicated actually. I kinda feel like everything has lost meaning. I feel like I myself have lost meaning. And it’s hard to describe. I guess it feels like what I would imagine a burn victim might feel looking in the mirror for the first time after a tragic accident that left their face deformed. Just a few hours earlier, they could look in the mirror and see their face but now all they see is some hideous monster. They feel like the fire robbed them of their beauty and left a monster in its place. Why does taking care of a body that is already so messed up even matter? Why does anything even matter anymore? But at the same time, I’m not a burn victim. No one can look at me and immediately know what I’ve experienced and I don’t actually look any different. Yet I feel so stained and worthless.

But that’s how the trauma is making me feel about myself and life in general. There is no concrete emotion to put on how I feel about what actually happened yet. I sometimes get angry at my father. I’m confused as to how he could have done this. But neither of those emotions really fit how I feel. I will probably eventually develop something beyond just fear. Maybe numb is the right word. It’s just a complicated numb. When I see my T’s on Thurs (I’m seeing both of them actually), I will talk about this.