I am considering a different therapist

Mactastic · Jan 05, 2014, 09:44 AM

I entered therapy to improve my social life and explore why I was becoming attached too quickly in my relationships. I also had the nagging feeling that I didn't know myself and I needed a little help to find out. I also have very dissatisfying personal relationships (read: I'm constantly single and have no friends.) My peers make me nervous.

I chose my T because he was Buddhist. He is male and I am female but I shrugged it off thinking he'd be a 'blank slate' anyway and I'd never feel attracted to him. Without initially knowing it, I picked someone my age (I later looked him up on LinkedIn and did the math) and super attractive. The picture on his site gave me no indication he was of similar age and so attractive.

I am pretty sure his demographics are hurting my chances to open up to him. He knows this...I sound like a broken record. He knows I am attracted (but I don't think the extent) and he knows his age bugs me. It sucks trying to simultaneously be myself (without fulling knowing who that is!) while being so aware of my attraction to him. It's like being back in high school and feeling like such a loser in front of your crush.

For several weeks I threatened to quit. I told my T I had googled some other therapists, just to look. He said he understood. Then I announced my resolve to stick it out and he told me I had made a good choice. Well, I googled some T's again today.

Is it a betrayal to my T (and awkward for a different T) if I email someone else explaining why my relationship to my current T is strained? I would not mention my current T's name or practice, of course. Part of me wants to consult with a different T to see what it's like to be with an older woman, not a younger man. Should I tell my current T I'm considering this?

Also: my current T sees me at a dramatically reduced rate on his sliding scale. It's still a lot of money but more than reasonable. I am not sure if I can afford someone else....the question might really end up being which is worse: therapy with a T who I'm crushing on or no therapy?

stopdog · Jan 05, 2014, 10:10 AM

The money part could make it more challenging.
It is not, in my opinion, possible to betray a therapist in general and certainly not by checking out other therapists to see if they are better suited to you.

unaluna · Jan 05, 2014, 10:30 AM

Would having these feelings for an older woman make it better for you? Or some weird guy? KWIM? At least if he's cute, having these feelings seems reasonable. I don't need that extra layer of complexity or weirdness. I had a male t who i felt was just not "cool" - i couldnt get past that. That is probably the core of my identity, good or bad. Beatnik cool. So your t has Buddhist cool. Embrace that. Analyze your desire for attachment inside the Buddhist ideal of no desire. You have a unique opportunity here, why throw it away?

Mactastic · Jan 05, 2014, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

Would having these feelings for an older woman make it better for you? Or some weird guy? KWIM? At least if he's cute, having these feelings seems reasonable. I don't need that extra layer of complexity or weirdness. I had a male t who i felt was just not "cool" - i couldnt get past that. That is probably the core of my identity, good or bad. Beatnik cool. So your t has Buddhist cool. Embrace that. Analyze your desire for attachment inside the Buddhist ideal of no desire. You have a unique opportunity here, why throw it away?

Hankster, I thought the exact same thing. I am fully heterosexual but I have had an experience with a woman. I enjoyed it, no shame. But I have no desire to repeat it. The last thing I need is to fall in love with a woman and question my own sexuality in the process. This whole thing is a mess.

My T has never made me feel shameful about my feelings...but what he hasn't done (and I ache for him to do) is tell me my feelings are okay and understandable.

My T allows emails between sessions. Sometimes I use email as a way to steer our conversations before a session. I told him I needed to talk about my transference (again, ugh!) and I plan to tell him some of the dreams that I had 2 months ago that still haunt me. Sometimes it helps just to explain my shame.

Asiablue · Jan 05, 2014, 10:43 AM

I think it's hard when there's so many choices out there for therapy, how can you ever know there's not someone better for us out there? Is the grass going to be greener with an older woman? Or a non buddhist, or a CBT therapist versus and psychodynamic and all the colours in between.

But given your issues with interpersonal relationships it would be worth thinking what this is really about? Are you using the fear of attraction to not get close to him? Needing a new therapist as an excuse not to get attached or as away of avoiding investing in the therapeutic relationship? Or to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of being a loser in front of him? Are you repeating any pattern with him that you also have in your dissatisfying relationships in real life?

Just check your motives for moving on. Because if it's an of the things i've mentioned then you're just going to find yourself in the same position with any therapist.

Mactastic · Jan 05, 2014, 11:08 AM

LOL, you guys all sound just like my T. He reminds me of all the same things you're reminding me of

Maybe he has a point...

SoupDragon · Jan 05, 2014, 11:35 AM

l checked out another T without telling my current T. The new T "slapped my hand" when he discovered l hadn't terminated old T and said it was like having an affair. l felt ashamed, although part of me struggles to see what was so wrong with it.

stopdog · Jan 05, 2014, 11:39 AM

There was nothing wrong with it. These guys are not gods and you can see two or more if you want. You don't have to tell them or get their permission. He sounds like an ***.

anilam · Jan 05, 2014, 01:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

l checked out another T without telling my current T. The new T "slapped my hand" when he discovered l hadn't terminated old T and said it was like having an affair. l felt ashamed, although part of me struggles to see what was so wrong with it.

Now that's just wrong... Hope you didn't stay with him/her. T is a professional I'm paying. Nothing more nothing less. When I was looking up other Ts online I told my T but just because I wanted to discuss why I feel the need to do so. His feelings re this never entered my mind/our convo.