How do you know when it's time to let a therapist go?

I would like to thank all the members who took the time to read and reply to my previous thread. I did not post an update because after much anticipation, my T. cancelled our appointment due to being sick.

I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks after the cancellation and then received an email from him this past Saturday. As I explained in my previous thread, one of the ruptures in our relationship was initiated by a change of employment and subsequent loss and then change of insurance. My T. went back and forth about 10 times regarding whether or not he would join the panel of providers for my new insurance. The constant change triggered a lot of my trust issues and culminated with me telling him that I couldn't trust him. That was September and the last time I saw him.

I tried to make it on my own since then and tried to be strong, but I'm clinically depressed (have been for years), I have complex PTSD and social anxiety. My T. knows all of the above and has heard me discuss suicide on numerous occasions during the 1 year and a half in which we met once a week. He also sent me to see 2 psychiatrists at different times.

When he emailed me Saturday, he told me that I could only seem as out of network, changing his mind for the 11th time. I began to cry, not for the out-of-network thing but for the little girl inside of me who had to yet adjust to another change, feel unwanted, not worthy, not special and an inconvenience. So I did what I learned to do a lot since I last saw my T. in September; I consoled that little and hurting part of myself. The adult part of me was then able to take over and decide that it was okay to see my T. as out-of-network - more difficult due to my current financial struggles, but possible.

I told myself that it was okay to make whatever sacrifice was needed because, in all honesty, I'm drowning. I go to sleep every night hoping not to wake up. My PTSD is at its worst, getting through each day is a struggle and I feel so alone.

I told my T. that I agreed to pay out of pocket and when we got to scheduling, I took another, and possibly final blow. My T. let me know that he was very busy and, in his own words, could only see me "as or when I can," but not regularly like before, not weekly. He then commented, "This also would be more affordable for you." My little girl lost it, the adult in me lost it... I couldn't reach for any part of me that could make me feel okay. I just cried, and cried.

I haven't replied and I can't find the will to reply. I have silenced my pride, asked to be taken back, promised the little girl inside that a remorse would hurt her more than a rejection... but now I'm spent and I don't have it in me to to tell my T. that I'm desperate, that I need him and I'm too sick for as and when he can.

He told me his door would always be opened, but he lied. And by allowing myself to believe him, I let the little girl inside of me down again. His door closed when I lost my insurance.

I don't know what else to do but to silently walk away. Is it time to let go?

I think you can do far better than the service you're receiving mswinter. Yes i think it's time to let go and find a better alternative

I would try to find a new one if the therapist kept switching things around.

I would find someone new, but that is so easy for us to say and something completely different from actually being in your position. You deserve to be valued and your T isn't valuing you or your work together.

Part of establishing trust is being able to trust in your therapist to be able to see you. So much literature states the importance of a schedule so the client can feel safe within the relationship. I realize this isn't always possible, but "as and when I can" is a bullsh** answer.

Thank you for your replies.
Thank you. I feel the same. Early in the relationship, I had to fight for a consistent time every week but back then I had an insurance he liked... my chances of securing a consistent time now that I'm uninsured and paying his lowest fee are basically non-existent.

I know that he doesn't value me; I have known for a long while. It is close to impossible for me to feel that anyone should value me though, so his behavior is consistent with what I expect and reinforces my internal beliefs.

The grief I begin to experience when I accept the idea of letting go is so overwhelming that I can only stay with it for a few moments....

If there is a positive side to this, you've been talking to your inner child and you know that you need more than this therapist can provide. You are learning how to get your needs met, which is so important.

Another positive is that you've had space and time away from your therapist. You haven't seen him for months. Even if you've been connecting by email, it's not the same.

You can view this as a step forward for yourself. It doesn't have to be a negative. You know what you need and knowing what you need is an important step to asking another therapist to help you get there.

You asked your T and he wasn't able to provide it. It's not your fault. It happens. You can grow from this and be stronger for it.

Have you looked at any other potential therapists in your insurance network? You don't need to "settle", but I'd get yourself to see another therapist ASAP who can help you work through this. We're definitely here to support you, but we can only do so much since we're not physically there with you. If I could encourage you in anything, it would be to search around and try to find additional support - even if it's only temporary on your way to finding someone more permanent.

The grief will be with you for some time. It's really important to have someone who can support you through it. Trust me, I went through it myself.

I completely agree with Asiablue. Girl, you deserve so much better!

so sorry you've been left in this situation after so long.
I am very sorry your T did not reach out to you. I hope you find someone to help.

My heart hurts for you. No one in needing of help deserves to be treated like you are being treated. I dislike your therapist for doing this. Most therapists do not act like him. I think you should find another one. There will be one that you can connect with and you won't be treated like you are a bother. I'll be thinking of you.

Keep us posted

And after going back and re-reading your original post, you mentioned that you didn't trust him even before he said what he did. Keep that in mind in your decision, also.

I would be frustrated with the back and forth too. But I also know insurances are a pain in the butt. Also in the states insurances are jacking around because of the affordable care act. This has put a lot of providers on the fence (my PCP and T included). He may have battled with them and founf out this week that he is stuck. Also with the last appointment being in Sept - sorry but it makes sense he has not been able to just hold a slot for 3 months. If you like your T I would tell him that Id take the less frequent appointment but want to be on the list for the first regular slot available.

It doesn't sound like your t is taking your needs seriously enough. If you feel that you could handle leaving him and looking for a t who is a better fit, I'd encourage you to do that. However, if you are too attached to leave, I suggest you tell your t straight out that his arrangement of "I'll see you when I can" WILL NOT work for you - that you need MORE support from him that than. You have trusted him this far to help you out, you should not have to suffer from him pulling back his support at a critical time.

"I don't know what else to do but to silently walk away. Is it time to let go?"

Now is the time to let go. There is no way you can do the work you need with someone who is untrustworthy.

Sabra

I just want to hug you right now. Eloquently and honest. I don't have good advice, but I agree you should find another therapist that's worthy of you!! Not the other way around. Hugs

Much love, Diane

Please let us know what you decide!