[Miswimmy1]

I am so annoyed. And frustrated. And angry. I just need to vent. Sorry it's long.

So a brief history for those who don't know me/my story. I had severe OCD for a couple years. I was seeing a therapist that I got really really close to during that time, but she was not able to help me reduce my OCD symptoms. Things got so bad that I was sent to residential. I was there for 7 weeks. In that time, my OCD got under control to the point where it was almost non-existent. Halfway through that stay, I was cut off from that therapist that I loved and was told I was not going to see her again due to "violations of boundaries" and "unethical conduct". I was discharged last May an emotional mess (anxious, depressed, and worried about what was gonna happen) and sent to a new therapist. This therapist had a very similar method of therapy to the residential place and I did not take it well. I felt traumatized from my stay at residential and this therapist and I continue to clash. I made it very clear right off the bat that I was scarred from my stay at residential and that my only goal was to go back to my old therapist. New t said that she would support me going back to old t but that I had to get to November and then we could talk about it in more detail. November came and the date was pushed back to the new year. The new year came and that brings us up to now.

So I had a meeting last week with my t and my parents. They said "heck no" to going back to old t. I knew they would. My parents go with whoever the "professional" is. Residential said old t had bad boundaries and so now she's the wicked witch. They forget that for a couple years prior, old t was the "professional" that they loved and listened to. It infuriates me that people make life changing decisions for me without considering my wants. My t urged us all to think about it and not make rash decisions. I wrote my parents a lengthy letter, going into great detail about how much my old t meant to me, how horrible my stay at residential was, and how alone I had felt when I had severe OCD. I am not a very open person about that kind of stuff and so it was a huge chance I took, telling them all of those feelings.

This week came and we had a meeting to make a final decision. My t talked with me alone at the beginning. I thought she was gonna give me some support. No. Instead, she made me play out a ton of scenarios where she pretended to be my parents and say no to going back to my old t. She was like "if your parents say no, are you going to be angry all weekend? Because if you don't act maturely, they are just going to remember that when they think about granting your requests in the future". I was so close to blowing my top and flipping her off. This has nothing to do with my maturity. I was sent to a residential place, halfway across the country, all alone, and one of the most important people in my life was snatched away without any warning. I was thrown back into the real world with no plan for reintegration, I was left to fend entirely for myself. My parents were never there throughout the whole ordeal and so you can guess that I don't have a very good relationship with them as it is. My maturity has nothing to do with this. In my eyes, they weren't there when it was most important. All that BS that my t says about "they are trying to fix things. they didn't make the decisions they should have back then but they are going to now." In my eyes, they didn't make the decisions or play the role they were supposed to then. And I had to suffer because of it. They lost that privilege to make decisions for me. Why should they get to swoop in and take all the power now?

The whole way she approached it was very unprofessional and mean. By the time we got into the family meeting, I was almost over the edge. By the end of the meeting, I was crying uncontrollably. I was curled in a ball in a chair and I was completely shut down. I don't dissociate but I come pretty darn close when I get anxious and upset. My old t would wait for me to calm down and then quietly ask me where I had gone (mentally). She would help coax me out of that numbness and she wouldn't push any farther. This t did not. I sat like that for about twenty minutes. I was glassy eyed from staring at one spot on the floor and I wasn't hearing anything she was saying. Then it was like, "times up! see you next week."

I feel so vulnerable and angry. My old t meant so much to me. My t now gave me false hope that I would go back to her by saying that she supported me going back. My parents go with whoever is the "professional". If my new t really supported me in this, they would too. I am 99% sure that my t went behind my back and told me that she supported it and told my parents that she didn't. I feel like she was playing with my mind when she was going through those scenarios and telling me that I wasn't allowed to blow up if they said no because it would only make things worse in the future. It wasn't her place to say that and it wasn't relevant. I have been feeling pretty good about things for a while and now I realize it was too good to be true. My therapist is a conniving, cruel person and I was naïve enough to buy into her whole "I don't play mind games. I want to help you. I will support you" persona. She gave me false hope for months. Even when she pushed it back, I believed that she had a plan. Now, she seems to take joy in her power to trash my hopes and crush my dreams. I hate her.

Sorry, just need to vent. I want to get away from her. But now I have to wait for summer. Because she got my parents to agree that I could go back to old t in the summer. I want my old t more than anything. I don't know if I can make it to summer though. I don't trust my t and I hate her.

[CantExplain]

((swimmy))

[SoupDragon]

Have you shared with your T how you feel she is playing mind games with you?

[A Red Panda]

I'm sorry that you're feeling like your T has backstabbed you basically. Are you surprised that she's doing that? Based on her past behaviour, I'm not surprised at all. Although it would definitely be disappointing. I'm sorry that you aren't able to stop seeing her, because from the things you share with us it doesn't really sound like she's done a single useful thing for you. At least she did tell your parents to at least think about it and consider it.

That said, I do agree with your parents for saying no to going back to your old T. She really did cross a LOT of boundaries with you and you're still dealing with that attachment. Curling up in a ball and melting down does show what an unhealthy attachment it was misswimmy - I'm sorry that you aren't able to see that yet.

It sounds like as much as you hated it... your T really was trying to help prepare you for the meeting with your family by running through scenarious. My T's wanted to do that with me, but he thinks I'm too fragile for it and that I would take it personally (he'd be throwing out fairly abusive stuff at me as he'd be acting as my family). I don't like to admit it, but I probably am! But I think if I was going to be heading home to see people, I would be more open to it. But I haven't seen them in over and year and won't see them this year either. I don't think it was a smart plan of hers to do that moments before actually seeing your family though - it probably would have helped to do it at least a few days in advance so that you could recover from the raw feelings!!

I also think that she did have a point when she said that she was trying to help you for future events too. It's like she was trying to help you gain some agency and was trying to help you gain some control back. Our reactions to things do tend to influence how we are treated in the future - by breaking down completely over your parents refusal to allow you to go back to Old T, you demonstrated to them how totally unhealthy that relationship was. All they see is that you went to pieces (Ok, so the terms I'm using sound really horrible) over not getting your way. If you had been able to take it in stride and accepted it, they might be more likely to listen to your opinions in the future about other subjects. Which really sucks, but it is often how things go.

I totally get how you would feel that your parents forfeited their right to make your decisions when they failed you the first time. Have they failed you before that too? Or is that their one (colassal) mistake? Regardless.... as long as you're a minor and they are controlling the finances, then they do get control. As soon as you're 18 and no longer having them pay for you, you'll be free! Hopefully you don't have too much longer to go for that. It's really hard having to wait though.

I'm sorry if this post has sounded harsh. Mostly I was trying to give you a different perspective on the things that your T did. I wouldn't like her either, but I think I can see where she was trying to do with the things she said and did with you and it does sound like she was attempting to help you. Even though it backfired. It clearly wasn't the right approach for you.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

Because she got my parents to agree that I could go back to old t in the summer.

Hang on to and work toward that if you can.

[Bill3]

Because she got my parents to agree that I could go back to old t in the summer.

If okay, please tell us more about this.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I'm sorry that you're feeling like your T has backstabbed you basically. Are you surprised that she's doing that?

I don't think it was a smart plan of hers to do that moments before actually seeing your family though - it probably would have helped to do it at least a few days in advance so that you could recover from the raw feelings!!

Our reactions to things do tend to influence how we are treated in the future - by breaking down completely over your parents refusal to allow you to go back to Old T, you demonstrated to them how totally unhealthy that relationship was. All they see is that you went to pieces (Ok, so the terms I'm using sound really horrible) over not getting your way. If you had been able to take it in stride and accepted it, they might be more likely to listen to your opinions in the future about other subjects.

I totally get how you would feel that your parents forfeited their right to make your decisions when they failed you the first time. Have they failed you before that too? Or is that their one (colassal) mistake?

I'm sorry if this post has sounded harsh. Mostly I was trying to give you a different perspective on the things that your T did. I wouldn't like her either, but I think I can see where she was trying to do with the things she said and did with you and it does sound like she was attempting to help you. Even though it backfired. It clearly wasn't the right approach for you.

Thanks for all of your insight. I see what you are getting at. I am not surprised that my t did this to me. I wish it hadn't gone down like that but that's how it has always been. There have been a few instances like this before where she has either withheld information from me, gone back on her word, etc. We've had a good month or so and I thought maybe our relationship had begun to improve. But I guess it hasn't.

I do agree that talking about possible outcomes beforehand would have been nice. I was caught unaware and she laid out some very possible outcomes that I don't think I was ready to hear yet or willing to accept. When she called my family in to talk, I was already a mess, I had already shut down, and I could tell things were not going to improve. It felt like she had thrown me under the bus and set me up to fail by showing my parents that I am unable to handle hard situations.

That being said, I know that our reactions do have a strong effect on the outcome of the event. I don't understand though, why my breaking down over not being able to see my old t would show that I am immature and unable to handle hard situations. I feel like it would be a testament to how hurt I was by the sudden separation and how badly our termination went. I feel like breaking down and showing emotions to that degree would give them a sense of how much it affected/affects me and make them rethink that decision.

My parents have been a failure to me in the past. I struggle with abandonment and trust issues. I'm adopted, which plays a big part in it. But I was also so alone for years dealing with severe OCD. My parents didn't know what OCD was and neither did I. It was day after day of "What the heck are you doing" and "why can't you just stop it" and "you're driving us crazy" and "get over it." I never felt supported. I felt like there was something wrong with me and I wasn't lovable enough the way I was. When I was finally diagnosed, my parents did say that they felt bad about not helping me sooner or supporting me, but it was too late. I had been so isolated and so depressed for so long. My old t was who helped bring me out of that depression and convince me that I wasn't insane for having all of these wierd "habits". She was there for me when my parents weren't and I think that's what created that black and white contrast between my old t and my parents. That's what makes me so angry when my parents cut me off from her. That's why I feel like they lost their right to play an authoritative role in my life. Their job as parents is to take care of their kids and get them help when they are sick. they failed to do that job. they said that they are trying to make up for it now by banning me from seeing old t- because she "did not help me the way she should have"- but the reality is that they can't step in and fix it now. Too much has happened to me between then and now.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by Bill3

If okay, please tell us more about this.

I don't know exactly what she said to them. She met with them to hear their opinions and then she met with me to hear mine. And then we all got together and my parents delivered their verdict. But she said that she told them the pros and the cons. My parents also said that the letter I wrote to them helped them make the decision. They said that they won't support me going back to see her but they will allow it. They don't like the idea but they won't stop me. They don't want to be involved in any of the therapy I do with her and they don't want to see her. Basically, no affiliation with my old t except for financially.

I have to wait until summer because my parents said they wanted to see a whole calendar year from when I was discharged from residential to "be sure" that my OCD really is in remission. There wasn't much else explanation than that...

[A Red Panda]

Yeah I wouldn't trust them much either - although they likely just had as little mental health awareness as you did as a kid. Which really, really, sucks that so many people are unaware of these illnesses so they create MORE problems instead of helping the people they care about! Society is ridiculous.

As I don't know your parents, I don't know if they would react to your breakdown as demonstrating how much it hurt you, or if they would view it as you not being able to handle hard situations. Either way, I think it would probably confirm in their heads that they're making the right decision. My parents would definitely view it as not being able to handle hard situations, which is why I defaulted on that route.

[Victoria'smom]

because she "did not help me the way she should have" This really bothered me! They can't judge your progress. They have no idea what's going on with you.

I would go in to your therapist and tell her you want to see someone else. I think the reason you are so attached to your last therapist is because you have never had a real connection with any other therapist.

[taylor43]

((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I think the reason you are so attached to your last therapist is because you have never had a real connection with any other therapist.

I think this is too. There's such a stark contrast between my old t and this one. Nothing this new t is doing makes me want to even try and move on from my old relationship.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you tell this T that you have tried but if you can't have old T you need her to refer you to a diffrent therapist because this isn't working?

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Can you tell this T that you have tried but if you can't have old T you need her to refer you to a diffrent therapist because this isn't working?

I have. But I just don't want to start over. It's so hard.

[Victoria'smom]

I know you don't want to but you need someone you can trust and connect with to actually get better.

[feralkittymom]

I'm sorry this has been so hard for you. Sometimes, it just sucks being a minor--particularly one as reflective as you are. But I'm confused about something: your OCD is in remission? And this T practices within the philosophy of the residential place? So, while you may have lots of negative feelings about her, it seems as though therapy with her has done some good. Your old T may have helped with your depression, but didn't seem effective with the OCD. What would you want to work on with your old T? Besides the attachment, what can she offer to you?

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Your old T may have helped with your depression, but didn't seem effective with the OCD. What would you want to work on with your old T? Besides the attachment, what can she offer to you?

The work I've done with this new t has had nothing to do with OCD. While she is an "OCD specialist" and focuses on EX/RP, we have spent all of our time focused on dealing with my anger and frustration at how my situation was dealt with in residential. We have done literally NO ocd work in the time I've been seeing her.

With my old t, I want to work on everything. I want to learn how to manage my emotions in a healthy way. I want to learn how to find security and fill that hole that I feel inside of me (without my therapist being the one to fill it). I want to find independence and trust in a situation that allows me to learn how but with the assurance that I will have somewhere/someone to fall back on. I want to get advice about normal teen issues- school pressures, peer stresses, rocky friendships, etc. I want someone to help me through the process of applying to college. I want a chance to finish my journey with the person I started it with and who was there the entire time.