[RTerroni]

When I go for my first Therapy session at the new practice next Wednesday I undoubtedly will be going into to boundaries and the issues that I have with them, as many of you know I do have some difficulties in adhering to proper boundaries. So I was wondering what you people think are the appropriate boundaries to abide by when seeing your Therapist outside of session. I am still pretty firm on my belief that every situation is different. I also can't understand how talking outside of Therapy violates confidentiality rules if you don't talk about things that are related to Therapy.

Originally Posted by RTerroni

. So I was wondering what you people think are the appropriate boundaries to abide by when seeing your Therapist outside of session. I am still pretty firm on my belief that every situation is different. I also can't understand how talking outside of Therapy violates confidentiality rules if you don't talk about things that are related to Therapy.

Hi Terroni,

Yes, I agree that every situation is different; boundaries are individualized and often negotiated between patient and therapist. If you think of boundaries as psychological as well as interpersonal, they are relevant and crucial to developing and maintaining a strong sense of self. So, I don't believe boundaries only exist for safety and the other well-known reasons.

I'm not sure what you meant about talking outside of session.

Here's a psychodynamic perspective on boundaries if you think it might help to take a look at another perspective before your session:

Psychodynamic Perspective on Therapeutic Boundaries

Good luck with your session.

[RTerroni]

Thanks for the link but I am not really sure if it was what I was looking for.

Why would you be talking to your T out of session? I mean, you might happen to run into her on rare occasions, but the most that really happens then is you say "hi" or a quick nicety and go on your way. She won't stand there and have a long conversation with you. And generally they won't make first contact outside their office even if they see you. They wait to see if a client wants contact.

I've seen my T now for 9 years and have only run into him 2 or 3 times. It wasn't a big deal, but it was just a quick "hi, what ya' up to" and on our ways.

[stopdog]

I am not fully certain what you are asking. I don't talk to clients or students outside of school or court etc other than to say hello if they speak to me. My personal life is not what I share with them even if we appear at the same event. Nor do they usually really want me as me in their personal life. I am a role. The therapist is playing a role at appointments.
For me, if I even recognized the woman, I would ignore her. If shoved into close contact, I might say hi or excuse me or whatever like I would to any other stranger and then I would go on with whatever I was doing.
What else do you want from the therapist and why?

[RTerroni]

Exactly this is what I am struggling with, while I agree with a quick hello in a place like the supermarket (which I have found is usually the example that most Therapists give) I think that there are other places where a more detailed conversation might be appropriate (and this is just my own personal opinion).

I tried to talk about this with my mom but she kept yelling at me saying that I was obsessing over something that is unlikely to happen (but at the same time knows that I sometimes do that because of my condition) so I decided to go on here and ask the question.

[rainbow8]

Many people never run into their T outside of sessions. I've never seen my current T anywhere except in her building. However, I used to see my former T in my community at social events and I would say hello to her and maybe make small talk for a couple of minutes. She always spoke to me if I spoke to her first. Once she waved to me in a restaurant. We never spoke at length; it would have been awkward.

Many Ts don't acknowledge their clients in public because it could be awkward for the client. If you do, a brief hello and, at the most, a couple of minutes of small talk would be all that is appropriate. My T and I did have something in common, so we talked a minute or two.

I think it would be more than a coincidence if you run into your new T at events the way you did your former T, don't you?

You can ask your new T what her or his boundaries are, and if he or she will acknowledge you if you meet in public.

[RTerroni]

I wouldn't always say more than a coincidence, I have ran into people that I know (former classmates, co-workers, ect.) at a variety of social events, once when a friend of mine on Facebook told me that he would be at the same free concert as me I wasn't really expecting for him to run into me (since I estimate that there were over 10,000 people there) but sure enough he did.

[RTerroni]

I am really just hoping that the Therapist will help me work through this and not just immediately terminate things with me like my last one did.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I am really just hoping that the Therapist will help me work through this and not just immediately terminate things with me like my last one did.

I hope so too. It seems really important, and should not cause termination.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I am really just hoping that the Therapist will help me work through this and not just immediately terminate things with me like my last one did.

I hope so too.

[healed84]

I see my T a fair amount outside of his office. The longest conversation we have had while running into each other was a couple of sentences to each other. I usually see him at a school event that we both hang around at for sometime, and again, very short conversations. Its just the nature of therapy.. They aren't our friends, they are our T's and too many conversations outside of T's office and our T sessions can start to lead to stuff like dual relationships, that can get complicated.

[RTerroni]

Exactly but at the same time the idea that you can't keep therapy discussions and social discussions separate is a myth. For instance on Facebook post on pages for several different topics (TV shows, sports, music, ect.) and there are a few people who I have seen post on a couple different pages and I reply to their comments in all of the different pages and many times they recognize that I am the same person (in a few instances they even acknowledged it) but the point is that even though we are communicating with each other on different pages doesn't mean that we aren't able keep the discussions on one form page separate from another.

[Auntie2014]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I think that there are other places where a more detailed conversation might be appropriate (and this is just my own personal opinion).

Could you give an example and why it might appropriate?

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by Auntie2014

Could you give an example and why it might appropriate?

For instance what if we met and a concert and were both fans of the band(s) playing.

I also think (and I don't think I have said this before) that there may be some intimate gatherings (that often last several days) where I believe that extended contact is even appropriate (since I would not see the person as my Therapist whatsoever in that situation as it is completely put to the side in favor of the gathering at hand).

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

For instance what if we met and a concert and were both fans of the band(s) playing.

I have also (and I don't think I have said this before) that there may be some intimate gatherings (that often last several days) where I believe that extended contact is even appropriate (since like I have said before I would not see the person as my Therapist whatsoever in that situation as it is completely put to the side in favor of the gathering at hand).

But the fact is that that person IS your T no matter where you see him or her. I understand what you would like it to be, but it really can't. Yes, when I saw my T at a function, I may mention the speaker or the food, but very briefly. It wouldn't be appropriate to talk a long time about the gathering at hand, while the person is your T. Even when I wasn't seeing my T anymore, and I actually sat next to her at a dinner, our conversation was neutral because she is not going to switch from being my past T to being my friend. The boundaries are there for a reason, and should be there even though you may share an interest with your T.

Maybe, if I saw my T at an art show, we would talk about a painting for a while. Maybe. I don't think that will ever happen, but it could. Still, it would brief because she's my T, no matter where I see her. I know you may want it to be differently, and you feel strongly about it; that's why it's so important to discuss this with your new T.

[RTerroni]

I don't know if you have been to an multi day intimate gathering before but I have (such as a multi-day Christian gathering among other things) but trust me you are completely cut off from the rest of the world there, in other words it is under a bubble (albeit a much larger one) just like inside the Therapy room.

[Auntie2014]

At a concert a hi conversation is within boundaries. More that that is crossing the line. IMHO

I still can not think of any situation lasting several days that put myself and T together. Even if I discovered T booked the same cruse I was on and we ran into each other it would be a passing nod only. Anything more intimate than that would feel like stalking to me and I would be out of there ASAP and looking for new T.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by Auntie2014

At a concert a hi conversation is within boundaries. More that that is crossing the line. IMHO

I still can not think of any situation lasting several days that put myself and T together. Even if I discovered T booked the same cruse I was on and we ran into each other it would be a passing nod only. Anything more intimate than that would feel like stalking to me and I would be out of there ASAP and looking for new T.

I understand that and that is your own opinion and I respect that, my opinion is different from that and I just want people to accept that.

Also the I don't think that the cruise example is a real good example since even though you might be "physically" isolated from the rest of the world you really aren't emotionally.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I don't know if you have been to an multi day intimate gathering before but I have (such as a multi-day Christian gathering among other things) but trust me you are completely cut off from the rest of the world there.

No, I haven't been. Still, if my T and I were at something like that we would probably have rules about our interacting. She would hopefully maintain her boundaries. Do you already know that your new T has the same interests/religion/hobbies as you do? Maybe you're worrying about something that may never even happen. It reminds me of my thread about my friend's T's party. It's not a good idea to even be at something intimate with your T, in my opinion.

[rainbow8]

I don't mean to be disrespectful of your opinion, but it's really your T's opinion that counts here. Most Ts would discourage contact outside of the session like you're talking about. They would talk to you briefly and that's all. You could try to talk to them longer, but it probably wouldn't be good for you though you may like it. I always went up to my T to talk at one of the functions I saw her at. I felt safe talking for a few minutes, and I was aware of where she was sitting. But she didn't want me to socialize with her because she was my T, not my friend.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

No, I haven't been. Still, if my T and I were at something like that we would probably have rules about our interacting. She would hopefully maintain her boundaries. Do you already know that your new T has the same interests/religion/hobbies as you do? Maybe you're worrying about something that may never even happen. It reminds me of my thread about my friend's T's party. It's not a good idea to even be at something intimate with your T, in my opinion.

Honestly unless you have actually been to one you really can't see how it is like, especially if it is something that you are there to embrace an alternative lifestyle that you may both have.

I know I am way over-thinking things but that is what I do. In fact to drop another bombshell if you are both going to the same intimate gathering and you don't have anyone else you are going with (or are planning on meeting people at the gathering) I even think that it is appropriate to go to the gathering together as long as you don't overstep any boundaries (at least what I think are boundaries), such as spending the night at a hotel along the way or even visiting public places that might be along the way. I think I am getting everything out now but I think that here is the appropriate place to do it.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't mean to be disrespectful of your opinion, but it's really your T's opinion that counts here. Most Ts would discourage contact outside of the session like you're talking about. They would talk to you briefly and that's all. You could try to talk to them longer, but it probably wouldn't be good for you though you may like it. I always went up to my T to talk at one of the functions I saw her at. I felt safe talking for a few minutes, and I was aware of where she was sitting. But she didn't want me to socialize with her because she was my T, not my friend.

So in other words my opinion is not important at all

[RTerroni]

I guess what I am trying to say that meeting at a very public place is VERY different as meeting at a very intimate gathering no matter what you wish to see so the boundaries should be much different.

Originally Posted by RTerroni

Honestly unless you have actually been to one you really can't see how it is like, especially if it is something that you are there to embrace an alternative lifestyle that you may both have.

I know I am way over-thinking things but that is what I do. In fact to drop another bombshell if you are both going to the same intimate gathering and you don't have anyone else you are going with (or are planning on meeting people at the gathering) I even think that it is appropriate to go to the gathering together as long as you don't overstep any boundaries (at least what I think are boundaries), such as spend the night at a hotel along the way or even visit public places that might be along the way. I think I am getting everything out now but I think that here is the appropriate place to do it.

The hotel scenario would be way beyond appropriate boundaries. It kind of baffles me that you would consider that okay. I know you aren't talking about sex. That's not the point. You have a professional relationship with a therapist which supersedes any personal relationship. It's kind of like the old idea that doctors shouldn't treat family members and close friends.

My 2nd therapist happened to be the pastor of my church. From the point he started to work with me in that capacity, the boundaries had to change. That didn't mean we ignored each other, but there was a definite boundary about our church relationship at that point. I couldn't chum around with him quite the same way I might would have if we were only pastor and parishioner. It would probably been overstepping boundaries to attend a weekend retreat with him present, but a bible study at church in a group would probably not overstep boundaries.

Talking to my T about a play we both love is fine. Going to the play together would not be, even in a group. You have to have professional boundaries. This IS a very different relationship than others you have in your life.