[Flyawayblue]

My D still won't talk to her T. She still sits in silence. I expressed my concerns about my D and T mention hypervigilance. She notices how my D always tries to sit near the door and tries to take notice of details in her office.( I didn't realize therapist take notice of body communications with their client)She said it might be due to her mothers sudden death.She also mention meds for my d but I flat out refuse to put my daughter on medication unless she really needs it. I don't know what exactly is hypervigillance and how it would be a problem in therapy. I really don't want my D to be put on meds unless hypervigilance is really serious. My D does well at school and hangs out with friends. I want to try and help my daughter get better but don't know how

[Leah123]

Hypervigilance is a well known trait of Post Traumatic Stress, which I have, and if your daughter's experience of her mom's death was traumatic, she may be dealing with some symptoms of that, though of course, only someone like the therapist would have enough information and be qualified to evaluate things like that. However, I wanted to mention it just to give you some context into what I know of hypervigilance.

My experience of hypervigilance is that I am often on high alert for danger. I do not relax well. I pay close, almost unconscious attention to everyone and thing around me, as if something bad might always be about to happen, even when that is extremely unlikely. I may overreact to a small conflict or demand in a defensive, startled, or upset way.

So, when you talk about your daughter scanning her environment and staying near an exit, yes, that sounds like hypervigilance, perhaps due to a mistrust of the therapy process or the therapist, or just a response to her life right now. She must be having a terrible time losing her mother: there is very little tragedy in the world that compares with a loss like that.

Hypervigilance can be a problem in therapy if the client and therapist do not build enough trust for the client to be open and honest about their feelings and issues. However, hypervigilance, or, more really, a lack of trust is super common in therapy, and the therapist should be well experienced in working through it.

I am sorry you are feeling hopeless. I am a mother and have never felt any worse feeling than seeing my daughter has a problem and not being sure how to best fix it.

My own therapist tells me sometimes to just be accepting. I try to be gentle and empathetic with my daughter, and patient, I think those always help.

How long has she been in therapy? These things can definitely take time!

P.S. As far as hypervigilance being "serious" well, it's a stress response that can be worked through, but some folks do take medications for anxiety and such to lessen it. I am definitely wary of medication like you, maybe her therapist could explain to you exactly how much good she thinks it would do, which symptoms she thinks need addressing and why. I haven't heard of hypervigilance by itself being treated much with medication, but... that's just me.

[Perna]

Do you two talk about her mother and her death at all? Maybe it would help a little if you got a male therapist so your daughter would not have to unconsciously "worry about" if she got close to another female, they would die like her mother. This is Just off the top of my head; my mother died and I had to deal with it in therapy; there's a lot of unconscious stuff that goes on that can take a long time to work with and treat. I would try to do a heart-to-heart talk with your daughter, see if she can help you help her? It has to be very difficult for you too, I imagine but if the two of you can help each other a little, be there/present for each other, that would be what I would want.

[Flyawayblue]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Hypervigilance is a well known trait of Post Traumatic Stress, which I have, and if your daughter's experience of her mom's death was traumatic, she may be dealing with some symptoms of that, though of course, only someone like the therapist would have enough information and be qualified to evaluate things like that. However, I wanted to mention it just to give you some context into what I know of hypervigilance.

My experience of hypervigilance is that I am often on high alert for danger. I do not relax well. I pay close, almost unconscious attention to everyone and thing around me, as if something bad might always be about to happen, even when that is extremely unlikely. I may overreact to a small conflict or demand in a defensive, startled, or upset way.

So, when you talk about your daughter scanning her environment and staying near an exit, yes, that sounds like hypervigilance, perhaps due to a mistrust of the therapy process or the therapist, or just a response to her life right now. She must be having a terrible time losing her mother: there is very little tragedy in the world that compares with a loss like that.

Hypervigilance can be a problem in therapy if the client and therapist do not build enough trust for the client to be open and honest about their feelings and issues. However, hypervigilance, or, more really, a lack of trust is super common in therapy, and the therapist should be well experienced in working through it.

I am sorry you are feeling hopeless. I am a mother and have never felt any worse feeling than seeing my daughter has a problem and not being sure how to best fix it.

My own therapist tells me sometimes to just be accepting. I try to be gentle and empathetic with my daughter, and patient, I think those always help.

How long has she been in therapy? These things can definitely take time!

P.S. As far as hypervigilance being "serious" well, it's a stress response that can be worked through, but some folks do take medications for anxiety and such to lessen it. I am definitely wary of medication like you, maybe her therapist could explain to you exactly how much good she thinks it would do, which symptoms she things need addressing and why. I haven't heard of hypervigilance by itself being treated much with medication, but... that's just me.

Thanks so much for the explanation. My wife died suddenly eight years ago from cancer. My daughter was very close to her mother. She thinks her mother left her and is trying to look for her. Which is the main reason why she is in therapy. My D has been in therapy for almost three months now. I did notice some of the symptoms you explained in my daughter at home. I didn't really think much of it.

[Flyawayblue]

Originally Posted by Perna

Do you two talk about her mother and her death at all? Maybe it would help a little if you got a male therapist so your daughter would not have to unconsciously "worry about" if she got close to another female, they would die like her mother. This is Just off the top of my head; my mother died and I had to deal with it in therapy; there's a lot of unconscious stuff that goes on that can take a long time to work with and treat. I would try to do a heart-to-heart talk with your daughter, see if she can help you help her? It has to be very difficult for you too, I imagine but if the two of you can help each other a little, be there/present for each other, that would be what I would want.

She's been to a male therapist. She said she hates him so I switched her to a female therapist. She said she hates females too. She said females lie and hurt her. She said she doesn't get along with them. We do talk about her mom from time to time. I told her we can go visit her grave but she said her mom isn't dead and dead people can come back to life.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Flyawayblue

She's been to a male therapist. She said she hates him so I switched her to a female therapist. She said she hates females too. She said females lie and hurt her. She said she doesn't get along with them. We do talk about her mom from time to time. I told her we can go visit her grave but she said her mom isn't dead and dead people can come back to life.

How old is she? Has she been abused?

[Perna]

Does she have any interests/hobbies like art or music; you could try a different type of therapist (art therapy/music therapy/poetry therapy, etc.). Females do "lie and hurt," her mother abandoned her. I would imagine "hating" the male therapist might have to do with protecting herself against the thought that you might die/leave her too. Does she have any favorite aunts or other females, grandmothers, etc. that could help? My father's sister was a great help to me (she's 93 this April).

[A Red Panda]

I'm worried about the fact that she believes that people can come back from being dead... how old is she?

And yeah, hypervigilance can mean being so aware of your surroundings that you might not even be able to tell what the change is... it could be so minimal that consciously you're not sure what's off, but just KNOWING that something is off. I'm hypervigilant, and I can pretty much never tell you what the change is... I just know there's been one. The need for an escape plan is also quite common.

What helps make your daughter comfortable? If there's something that you know she goes to for comfort (reading, stuffed toys, outside) you can always see if you could find a therapist who would incorporate that into the therapy.

[Flyawayblue]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

How old is she? Has she been abused?

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

How old is she? Has she been abused?

She is 17 almost 18 in a few months. As far as I know no she hasn't been abused. Long story short she did spend some time in foster care. I don't know what they did to her there. She said she doesn't like adult females because they always hurt and lie to her. My D says she doesn't trust them. I don't know why. I keep asking her why she doesn't like females and she gives me the same answer.

[Flyawayblue]

Originally Posted by Perna

Does she have any interests/hobbies like art or music; you could try a different type of therapist (art therapy/music therapy/poetry therapy, etc.). Females do "lie and hurt," her mother abandoned her. I would imagine "hating" the male therapist might have to do with protecting herself against the thought that you might die/leave her too. Does she have any favorite aunts or other females, grandmothers, etc. that could help? My father's sister was a great help to me (she's 93 this April).

Sadly her maternal grandmother who helped out a lot passed away. Her T did ask if she wanted to write during sessions but my D refuses to do anything.

[Flyawayblue]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I'm worried about the fact that she believes that people can come back from being dead... how old is she?

And yeah, hypervigilance can mean being so aware of your surroundings that you might not even be able to tell what the change is... it could be so minimal that consciously you're not sure what's off, but just KNOWING that something is off. I'm hypervigilant, and I can pretty much never tell you what the change is... I just know there's been one. The need for an escape plan is also quite common.

What helps make your daughter comfortable? If there's something that you know she goes to for comfort (reading, stuffed toys, outside) you can always see if you could find a therapist who would incorporate that into the therapy.

My D is 17. She turns 18 in a few months. She loves to write, read, and dance. Her T asked her if she would like to write or go outside during sessions but my D still refuses to do anything. She hates me for forcing her to go to therapy. I told her I love her and it would be good to talk to someone. Thankfully her T is trying to work with her and not forcing her to do anything she's uncomfortable with.

[Perna]

If therapy is not helping, if she refuses, I would not spend the money on that, it could alienate her from therapy so she may not consider it later in life? Do you know any of her friends' parents? Does she have any particular friends, any adults that knew you and your wife and the family? If you could get someone she knows/trusts who could help you (and her) plan and throw a graduation party, girls sleepover or something? I would spend the money on an ereader (Kindle or Barnes & Noble Nook (that's what I have :-) and give her what it costs in therapy to buy books for herself. Books helped me most until I could benefit from therapy.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Flyawayblue

She is 17 almost 18 in a few months. As far as I know no she hasn't been abused. Long story short she did spend some time in foster care. I don't know what they did to her there. She said she doesn't like adult females because they always hurt and lie to her. My D says she doesn't trust them. I don't know why. I keep asking her why she doesn't like females and she gives me the same answer.

The fact that all adult females "hurt and lie" to her is a huge indicator that something very serious happened. Why did she spend time in foster care? Is she adopted?

[Flyawayblue]

Originally Posted by Perna

If therapy is not helping, if she refuses, I would not spend the money on that, it could alienate her from therapy so she may not consider it later in life? Do you know any of her friends' parents? Does she have any particular friends, any adults that knew you and your wife and the family? If you could get someone she knows/trusts who could help you (and her) plan and throw a graduation party, girls sleepover or something? I would spend the money on an ereader (Kindle or Barnes & Noble Nook (that's what I have :-) and give her what it costs in therapy to buy books for herself. Books helped me most until I could benefit from therapy.

She has tons of friends but she's only close to a few of them. I'm throwing her a grad party and her aunt is also throwing her a party. She is currently trying to plan it but she has doubts if she is even going to attend. She has tons of books that she borrows from the library and buys. She's always been in and out of therapy since she was 10. She did like a few of her T's over the years but they left or got different jobs.I finally decided not to force her to go until now. She is on her phone talking and texting all the time. She also hangs out with her friends at the mall or to the movies and does wonderful in school. I know I should force her to go but I don't know what else to do.

[A Red Panda]

As she's 17, and hates being in therapy, it might be best to let her end therapy for now. Unless she's doing something really dangerous and hurtful. But it might help with your own relationship with her, because once she hits 18 she's going to quit anyway. If you give her permission to stop now, and encourage her to seek help on her own, then she might view that as a kindess (vs a potential "you always made me do that" that she might have if she keeps having to be in therapy).

I can see why she would turn down the T's offers though - she probably views it as fake and an attempt to buy her off really. If she had met the T and that's just always how the T did therapy then it might be different for her.

[Flyawayblue]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

The fact that all adult females "hurt and lie" to her is a huge indicator that something very serious happened. Why did she spend time in foster care? Is she adopted?

I don't know what happened during the time she spent in foster care. No she isn't adopted. When my wife died everyone's true colors showed. To make a long story short a lot of people wanted custody of my daughters for money. My family and my wife's family are very greedy. My wife and I always put aside $ for our kids. Some family members said I couldn't raise daughters by myself because I was man and wouldn't understand how to talk to them. One of my wife's family member wanted me to send a few kids to live with her out of state. They tried to take me to court and made false allegations against me. Which led to my daughters being placed in care without any warning on where or why they were being placed into care. It was hell trying to get them back. And they still make allegations against me. Which is why I cut off some of my family members. I hope nothing happened to my D in care. I know foster care was a traumatic experience for her and for me. This happened a few years ago. She said she wants to forget about it and I agreed with her. So we try not to talk about it and move on.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Flyawayblue

I don't know what happened during the time she spent in foster care. No she isn't adopted. When my wife died everyone's true colors showed. To make a long story short a lot of people wanted custody of my daughters for money. My family and my wife's family are very greedy. My wife and I always put aside $ for our kids. Some family members said I couldn't raise daughters by myself because I was man and wouldn't understand how to talk to them. One of my wife's family member wanted me to send a few kids to live with her out of state. They tried to take me to court and made false allegations against me. Which led to me daughters being placed in care without any warning on where or why they were being placed into care. It was hell trying to get them back. And they still make allegations against me. Which is why I cut off some of my family members. I hope nothing happened to my D in care. I know foster care was a traumatic experience for her and for me. This happened a few years ago. She said she wants to forget about it and I agreed with her. So we try not to talk about it and move on.

Wow. That's terrible. A lot of foster care places and homes can be abusive. Also, just the fact that she was ripped away like that can be very traumatic.

The thing is, trauma grows and becomes a monster when it isn't dealt with. I know it is easier to bury it, but it might be very healing for her if you could get her to talk about it, either in therapy or just with you. It would probably be extremely painful, but also very good in the long run for her. Also, do some research into PTSD, and see if you recognize the symptoms in her. If so, bring it up with her therapist.

[Flyawayblue]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

As she's 17, and hates being in therapy, it might be best to let her end therapy for now. Unless she's doing something really dangerous and hurtful. But it might help with your own relationship with her, because once she hits 18 she's going to quit anyway. If you give her permission to stop now, and encourage her to seek help on her own, then she might view that as a kindess (vs a potential "you always made me do that" that she might have if she keeps having to be in therapy).

I can see why she would turn down the T's offers though - she probably views it as fake and an attempt to buy her off really. If she had met the T and that's just always how the T did therapy then it might be different for her.

Thanks for the advice red panda. My D knows I love her and want the best for her. I know it's a long term process. I don't want her carrying this around forever. I'm just concerned for her. I never would've thought T's gestures toward my daughter would come off as fake. It's all starting to make sense to me.My D has a really wonderful therapist and i hope she isn't taking things personally with my D. I'm going to try to keep her in therapy to at least come to terms with her mothers death.

[Flyawayblue]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Wow. That's terrible. A lot of foster care places and homes can be abusive. Also, just the fact that she was ripped away like that can be very traumatic.

The thing is, trauma grows and becomes a monster when it isn't dealt with. I know it is easier to bury it, but it might be very healing for her if you could get her to talk about it, either in therapy or just with you. It would probably be extremely painful, but also very good in the long run for her. Also, do some research into PTSD, and see if you recognize the symptoms in her. If so, bring it up with her therapist.

Thanks hazel. I know my daughter out of all of my kids took foster care and her mothers death hard. I do recognize some PTSD symptoms with my D. She doesn't want to talk about foster care or recognizing the fact her mom is dead. It's also hard for me to talk about, but I do talk about it with my own T. I know she has to heal from two losses in her life. One being her mom, the other being placed into foster. I've heard a ton of things about foster care. I had a problem with one of the foster parents my D was placed with. I hope nothing happened to her. I will express my concerns with my daughter's T.