[Daeva]

Have you ever done something you knew would upset/make your T mad? Not with the intentions of doing so, but knowing they wouldn't approve. Some of you know a staff member here, I'll refer to her as K, pissed me off by an offensive comment about my CSA. And as passive-aggresively as I am, I decided not to talk to her, but also not to eat to spite her. She's getting concerned I can tell. I haven't eaten since Monday at 6 am.

Have you ever done something you knew would make T mad?

I know how stupid/petty/foolish this seems it does effect both of us because she'll eventually have to force me to eat or take me to the psych ward, but obviously more so me. It may not make sense but I can't really throw a temper tantrum like I usually do because you can get thrown out of the house and I'd be homeless. So it makes sense that one of the few ways I can throw a temper tantrum is by refusing to eat. THey have yet to catch on, thankfully because the staff switch shifts. They tell each other things and write an essay on each of us though.

[anilam]

Frankly, I don't think K will be affected much by you not eating...
Anyway, this may be a stupid Q but have you tried talking to K?

Sorry to hear about your experience. It sounds like you need care and attention and you aren't getting it. Instead of not eating, is there any way you could be really bold and ask T for it?

Ditto on talking to K. Sometimes these things are truly misunderstands even though they come off as hurtful.

Doing both things will get your started in the right direction for recovery. Although easier said than done!

[Asiablue]

The only person being directly affected is you. You are slowing your own healing by playing this game. If you really want to spite her, get better. Be so strong that you succeed in life. Don't sabotage yourself.

[stopdog]

I don't really think it matters if a therapist is mad or not. I don't know why a therapist would get mad at a client in the first place, but I don't really make choices based on what a therapist would or would not like.
However, I don't think that you hurting yourself is doing anything to the person you are angry at and so it seems a bit of a wasted gesture.

[granite1]

my guess s it isn't hurting k at all in fact I am sure by law if you don't eat in a particular time the probably will have to take action .I would see that is just annoying K and if that is what you want to do im sure that might be accomplished but I don't think it will change her reactions to you for the better at all . and in fact might get you kicked out

[Daeva]

Not eating will get me hospitalized. I have taken a different route.....which they all have noticed by now.

I butchered my hair.

And I had an epiphany.

Yes what K said was hurtful, offensive and downright mean, and yes SOME tiny TINY bit of my anger is at her for being so invalidating, however I was already angry.

I was angry at my abuser.
And I butchered my hair because of him. (Well my actions but it was set in motion in him, I am responsible for my own action but we all know what I mean, I hope)

I'm acting out, I'm just trying to figure out why cutting my hair would be a defense or a symbol or something of a representation of my anger at him, any idea?

And part of it is that NO ONE is noticing how much pain I am in right now, and the one that did invalidated me and hurt me, so perhaps I was also trying to show an outward symbol of it.

I have began eating again btw.

BEFORE


AFTER

[Yogix]

DAEVA, I'm so so so sorry you are struggling so much, and being so invalidated. I am extremely glad you have taken to eating again, but I am still concerned about your acting out on your hair because that's ultimately still acting out on yourself.

What would make YOU feel better right now, that you know that you can do?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AllyIsHopeful]

Honestly she may worry a little, because they are all responsible and it is their jobs...But in the end you are the only one suffering. Treat yourself well. You are the only one you could fully depend on to care for yourself.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

The only person being directly affected is you. You are slowing your own healing by playing this game. If you really want to spite her, get better. Be so strong that you succeed in life. Don't sabotage yourself.

Well put. I think this is great advice. What matters here is you and your recovery. I know it's hard but try to remember that, at the end of the day, what others say or think really doesn't matter. This is your journey and you are in the driver's seat; it's up to you whether you are going to be authentic, use coping skills, express yourself honestly and directly, do the hard work of treatment, heal from past hurts, and "graduate" from the residential home you are in and return to your outside life a healthier, happier person.

If you really think about it, the way you are acting out does not hurt K or make K think she was wrong. Instead, it gives her reason to think that she was right all along. If the way K invalidated you was by saying that you are not using the coping mechanisms you have learned (even if you had been), by refusing to eat and then butchering your hair you are giving her ammunition to say "see, just like I said; she's acting out instead of using her coping mechanisms." By playing these kinds of games, you demonstrate that you are regressing into negative behaviors and failing to use healthy, coping skills. It takes away the impact of whatever skills you really were using earlier. If you had said something like: "Actually, I tried skill X and Y, and I'm still having difficulty with these memories/instrusive thoughts/anger"-- maybe you could have gotten more help or learned new skills to use. Of course, the way K approached you was not appropriate. But even when someone else invalidates us or messes up, we can be the "bigger person" and react in a healthy manner. It's incredibly hard and it's totally reasonable that we struggle with this at times-- it's one of those goals we can work towards.

While I don't inherently see anything wrong with getting attention, affection, and support from Ts, counselors, group home workers, etc (like you did from D), I think what your T said may still have some value. It seems, from your experiences with D, Robin, your T, and others that you attach very quickly and feel full of love and support as soon as you get those moments of care from one of these people. But, a day later, your tank seems to be empty again. That love and support is only a temporary fix. Getting that "fix" from someone outside of yourself prevents you from having to develop that internal sense of contentment and having to do the work of making yourself okay. Those of us (myself included) who didn't grow up with parents who loved us and cared for us never learned to develop this, and so we constantly look for it from someone on the outside. But, since that parent figure is never going to exist in any permanent way, we have to find it within ourselves. I think perhaps that is what your T wants you to do. Learn to be enough for yourself, rather than seek it from a perfect maternal figure. After all, no one can really live up to that or be that for us. As has happened before, you've attached to someone... and they've let you down (like Robin). Since it's impossible for anyone to fill all of those needs for us, they will always let us down. It's not even their fault-- it's just the way it is. That's why it's okay to get some of those moments, but we can't rely on them or expect them or use them as a substitute for being "good enough" in and of ourselves. We have to be our own perfect parent.

[Canyon]

Daeva, I'm glad that you come to the realization of where your anger truly lies. I'm also glad that you decided to allow yourself to eat.

[Daeva]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I did talk to K but she stuck to her guns--her issue right? It still hurts.

Also scorpio--Thanks! You gave me a lot to think about! I'm going to bring that to my T and see if we can work on that, I think you're completely right here!

They are probably doing a fair amount of active ignoring with you right now. You are begging for attention, but you are "asking" for it inappropriately. You seem to be perfectly fine with any attention you can get, even negative attention. They most likely are aware of what you are doing, but until you find a way to ask for what you need appropriately, they will probably not "reward" your negative behaviors with attention because all that really teaches you is "if I hurt myself, they'll pay attention to me and that means they care." That can become a vicious cycle (and looks like maybe you are already in that pattern.)

Have you considered sitting down with them, telling them exactly why you have behaved the way you have behaved, and asking for them to help you come up with a plan to communicate your needs directly and appropriately so you can stay safe and feel more assured that you will be heard without resorting to desperate measures? It would be a win win-win situation.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

They are probably doing a fair amount of active ignoring with you right now. You are begging for attention, but you are "asking" for it inappropriately. You seem to be perfectly fine with any attention you can get, even negative attention. They most likely are aware of what you are doing, but until you find a way to ask for what you need appropriately, they will probably not "reward" your negative behaviors with attention because all that really teaches you is "if I hurt myself, they'll pay attention to me and that means they care." That can become a vicious cycle (and looks like maybe you are already in that pattern.)

Have you considered sitting down with them, telling them exactly why you have behaved the way you have behaved, and asking for them to help you come up with a plan to communicate your needs directly and appropriately so you can stay safe and feel more assured that you will be heard without resorting to desperate measures? It would be a win win-win situation.

Agreed, I was thinking the exact same thing but couldn't articulate is as well.

[Favorite Jeans]

My mom used to say that resentment is like drinking poison in hopes of killing the other person.

People who upset you are giving you an opportunity to use your skills. When you get over how mean or offensive or annoying they are you can appreciate what they are helping you to learn about yourself.

I have a family member who is particularly difficult. When I joke about her (not to her face!) i call her my zen teacher. (Well, sometimes I call her less nice things than that. But apparently a lot of those words are censored on this forum...)