Is my therapist bad/incompetent?

Hey guys. I'd really appreciate some feedback on this. So I just started seeing a therapist back in October. I've seen her probably about 10 times now. I really do like her a lot. I am a 20 year old male and she is a younger woman (I think low 30s) and she's very down to earth and nice and whatnot. When we started out, I really was enjoying the sessions. She seemed very professional, had a lot to say, seemed engaged with me during out time. But lately, it seems like things have gone downhill a bit. She told me from the start that she takes notes on her iPad, which is fine. However, she answers text messages during our sessions. It started out not so bad. She would only look at it 2, maybe 3 times during a session. However, now she checks her phone quite frequently. She, or I, will be in the middle of speaking and she will just look at it and pick it up and start texting. This REALLY bothers me. I feel like she's not engaged at all and could care less about me or my issues. She will have to stop and think to finish her sentence or sometimes I will be talking and she will pick up the phone and I forget what I was going to say or have to think for a minute.

Another thing that bothers me is she will talk about an issue for a while and then it's like she runs out of things to say. There will be an uncomfortable silence and she will be like "so what else do we need to talk about today?" Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like the therapist should be able to keep things running smoothly. I am a very active participator in my sessions.

And the last thing is she tells me a lot about what her experiences with other people who have my issues is and whatnots. For instance, she knows I'm suicidal so she told me about a "friend" who is suicidal and what he does to cope and help himself and whatnot. It's not the first time she's related a family or friend to my particular struggle(s) either.

I just don't know what to do right now. I really do like her as a person, and she can give me some great knowledge and advice at times, but should I raise some of these concerns with her? The texting is the thing that bothers me the most. I see it as completely unprofessional. But I don't want to bring it up to her and seem needy or annoying. I know I pay her for her time, but I don't want her to resent me in any way or be like "oh great, here's this kid" when I have my sessions. Am I over thinking things?

I have really bad problems opening up to people and I just now recently feel like I am at a good place with my current T. I would HATE to have to start all over with a new person and build trust and feel comfortable going again. The thought of having to ditch my current T hurts too, because I feel like we've bonded somewhat.

Anyways, that's pretty much my story. Hope you guys can share your thoughts with me

[quote=Jake93;3525425] However, she answers text messages during our sessions. It started out not so bad. She would only look at it 2, maybe 3 times during a session. However, now she checks her phone quite frequently. She, or I, will be in the middle of speaking and she will just look at it and pick it up and start texting. This REALLY bothers me. I feel like she's not engaged at all and could care less about me or my issues. She will have to stop and think to finish her sentence or sometimes I will be talking and she will pick up the phone and I forget what I was going to say or have to think for a minute. [quote]

Extremely unprofessional, not to mention rude.

[quote]Another thing that bothers me is she will talk about an issue for a while and then it's like she runs out of things to say. There will be an uncomfortable silence and she will be like "so what else do we need to talk about today?" Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like the therapist should be able to keep things running smoothly. I am a very active participator in my sessions. [quote]

Maybe she is not a "good-enough" therapist? It sounds like you are getting something, but not enough.

I would DEFINITELY raise these issues with her. If she does see you as needy or annoying, or resents you for bringing it up, then I say, don't walk, RUN! This is just laying the foundation for you to feel like you have to put up with less-than-adequate therapy. And you ARE paying her to do a job. What if your doctor or dentist was texting during your appointment? Or if either one of them left you feeling as if they could have done a more complete job during your appointment? I think the very fact that we hire a therapist shows that we are, in some ways, needy. That's part of the package, and it's part of their job. I wish you well.

I expect a T to give me her undivided attention. Listening is a very basic T skill.

The texting, like answering phone calls, during a session is really quite unprofessional. I'm seeing this complaint come up more often with younger Ts, so I suspect it is partly a consequence of a generational relationship to technology. But it has psychological consequences, as you've noted, and I would wonder about a T who hadn't considered that.

Silences are not unusual. And there may be some expectations on your part about her role happening here. While some Ts do give advice, that's often not the primary function. So I'm not sure if your pattern of communication has been to tell her about an issue/situation, she gives you feedback, and then the conversation stops--and you feel like she should pursue it further? But it's generally more your job than hers. If you're not being clear about the emotional importance of these issues, then she may think what you're expressing is simpler than it is to you. After only 10 sessions, she's not going to have a deep sense of you emotionally, so her ability to lead in that way is minimal.

Referring to other situations as examples isn't unusual. I guess my question would be whether your reasons for pursuing therapy are basically situational or emotional? I'm getting a feeling of emotions not expressed, and most Ts take their cues from the client, especially early on. So she could be running out of things to say because of the manner in which you're presenting whatever you talk about.

But I would also keep an eye on the note-taking. If your T practices psychodynamically, the thinking is that most Ts write summary notes after a session, rather than during, because the activity takes their attention away from the client to some extent. Every moment of attention away, also distracts the T from sensing their emotions in reaction to you. This tends to objectify and possibly limit the effectiveness of the therapy, and may feel to you like disengagement--especially when made explicit by the texting.

My T has a full schedule, and teaches graduate-level psych courses in addition. He also has a family. He has managed to get through our weekly sessions for almost 3 years now and has never once answered his phone or texted during a session. He usually turns his phone off, but if he forgets and it rings he'll simply glance at it and turn it off until the session is over. My feeling (and his) is that the session time belongs to the client who is paying for it, and the breaks between sessions are his time to return calls or do whatever he wants. It's his time.

I think you should bring this up with your T. You are NOT being needy, etc. If my busy T can set aside session time for clients, so can anyone else. It's professional and expected. I think this falls under the category of "asking for what you need" and standing up for yourself. Have the discussion. It's all part of therapy, but you are certainly in the right for being annoyed by her distraction during your session. It's your time!!!!

This happens in my sessions too sometimes. Sometimes it's me that just runs out of a steam on a particular subject, and sometimes it's him. I think it's normal. If your T doesn't seem to have more to say on a particular subject, and you're not done with it yet, go ahead and ask some questions. Better to have a T stop when they can't think of anything more to say than just babble on w/o really saying anything. My T has done that once or twice and it's really kind of embarrassing. It's so obvious he has nothing more to say. So stop talking, already!

Texting and not giving you full attention is unprofessional. However--do you think she is clearing off/clicking off a pop up text, or do you think she is actually answering it. Answering a text mid sent ace--not ok!!!

However, self disclosure is common in therapy as long as it is relevant to your issues.

Silence is a legitimate therapeutic technique.
Answering texts in session is not.

I would ask her to turn off her phone when you walk in. I would run away as fast as you can and tell her why.

This T seems very unprofessional. I have been seeing mine for 6 months and he's never once looked at his phone (I've never even seen it in his office, actually) or ever made me feel like I don't have his 100% attention. He does leave silences quite often, but it's to give me room to think or perhaps to give me space to say something that's going to be difficult. I never have felt like we had run out of things to talk about.

There is absolutely no excuse for her behavior. If she was texting on a date you'd probably feel uncomfortable (even angry) and your sessions are no different. You have a right to her full attention.

Texting during a session is completely unprofessional! I'd walk right out if any of my T's ever did that. (Unless of course it was an emergency). You are paying for her time, she should be focusing completely on you.

The rest to me sounds unprofessional as well, but my experience is much different to those in the US, there are some pretty warped things that happen over there.

That's awful. As everyone else has said texting and just looking at her phone is very unprofessional. I think note taking is quite distracting and my understanding is that your fee should cover the time it takes T to make notes in your chart after you leave. The exception would be the first few sessions where they might be getting basic info about you (eg writing down names of the important people in your life etc).

If she must take notes and must use her iPad for it, it should be on airplane mode so she isn't getting texts or calendar pop ups at all.

It also sounds like she is uncomfortable with silence and passing that awkwardness on to you with "so what else do we need to talk about?" I don't agree that it's her job to keep things running smoothly. I think the expectation that things need to run smoothly can generate a lot of anxiety for you and her job is to let you know that she's okay with however things are running, she can cope with silences and she can cope with neither of you knowing what comes next.

I wouldn't see the point in going if I didn't feel I had T's undivided attention.

I figure, I turn off my ringer, I expect the same, in return. One appointment, with my pdoc, actually, I remember his phone ringing, he pulled a pick up and immediate hang up, of the phone. One t session, I recall my phone beeping, I apologized for forgetting to turn off my phone, and took a moment to turn off volume.
As far as note taking, I've only had drs taking notes. Social workers, in my experience, take notes,perhaps first couple sessions, maybe? (can't fully recall).

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My Pdoc's clinic requires them to script what the patient is saying on the computer. The first one quit over it.

Practice saying to her, " it is really distracting to me when you get texts. Can we turn it off ? or something like that.

It is so hard to say something so obvious - this shouldn't be happening.

Any texting is very unprofessional and you should say Something to her about it. As others have said the silence is normal and sound like a quote from my pdoc. You are supposed to lead the session, not the t. You may not be expressing the depth of importance of what you're saying to your t. So when she asks what else is going on, elaborate on what you were discussing if you need to. If the texting doesn't stop though, I'd ask for referrals to a new t.

This is very incompetent rude and plain unprofessional. No wonder she goes quiet and runs out of things to say because every time she picks up her phone she is being distracted. She can't clearly give you her undivided attention is she is distracted.

You are paying her to listen to you and help you and from what you have said she is doing neither. I would be very annoyed with her and feel as though she didn't care enough to not answer her phone.

I would say to her in your next session that you feel it is inappropriate for her to be texting while in session and see what her response is. My t answered the phone twice in my session and it annoyed but I didn't say anything and it still bothers me now so these things will eat away at you if you don't get them out.

Lose her. She's unprofessional. Those 50 minutes are YOUR time.

I'd tell her that she needs to stop answering messages during your session. It is very rude and unprofessional.

If she brings up the fact that she is using her iPad for notes... then tell her that if she is incapable of turning off her wireless reception, then she needs to put the iPad away and take notes the old way.

It's your time, and you're expected to be present while there so she should as well.

I find it useful when my T tells me about his experiences with others - it teaches me a lot about him and what his experience has been, so I understand how I differ from his normal experience and am more able to separate what is a misconception he's had based on his own experience or a misconception based on my lack of explanation.

The phone thing has been addressed well by others.

Honestly, my biggest concern is her handling of your suicidality. This is a fairly common problem for me, and if my T handled it like that, I'd probably be dead. Now perhaps you haven't given us all the details, so if she goes beyond talking about her friends (which honestly doesn't seem appropriate for the seriousness of the concern), perhaps it is okay. Is she asking very pointed questions to find out the level of your suicidal thinking/intent/planning? She should be. Is she giving you some concrete steps for you specifically (beyond just telling you a story about her friend) that she wants you to take when these thoughts come into play? She should be. She should be setting up/discussing who to contact, at what point to make contact, how to know when this has gone beyond thoughts and into an emergency, etc. Even if you don't have plans now, not discussing that possibility is like the elephant in the room, and that elephant doesn't belong in a therapy session.

My gut, if we have the whole story, is that you may very well be right. She comes off as flighty and inexperienced. Might be time to move on.

A lot of people have suggested you bring this up with your T. Maybe it's worth a shot. But do you really want to continue working with a T that forced you to say, "Hey, pay attention to me?" I wouldn't. I wish you luck in your decision.

It does not sound like your therapist is working for you any longer. I would get an appointment with another couple to see if one of them might work too and then terminate with this one.

One thing, are you sure she is texting and not taking notes in some way? I take notes on my phone. I would perhaps, next time she picks up her phone and starts typing I would quit talking/change the subject and ask her, "Are you taking notes? I thought you used your iPad for that?"

Thank you all for your responses!

I agree with the general consensus. I told my dad about this and he was baffled..he thought it'd be like something you would see in a comedy movie. A client crying + spilling their guts on the couch and the therapist nodding along and texting. Ha!

I know you all say to raise the issue with her next time, but I have my hesitations. I have Social Anxiety pretty severely and I hate anything that has even a hint of confrontation! I'm really bad at ever standing up for myself..basically, I have no backbone. So I do not know how to address the situation without fear that I'm doing something wrong on my end. Is there any specific way I could address the issue for someone like me who has little self-confidence and is shy, etc?

My dad told me I should just stop talking every time she picks up the phone and wait for her to put it back down. That's a little too aggressive for me.

Also, I wonder if she does this to her older clients or if she feels because I'm younger the texting issue is no big deal to me or something. But it definitely is when I'm spilling my guts to you and wanting your full attention..AND PAYING YOU FOR IT!!!

gah.. -.-

Thank you all again!

Good answer! Yes, this would be best if you can manage it.

And if she says she can't, say, "Switch it to flight mode and put it away."

Good morning,

I would ask if the person she is texting could split the cost of the session. After all that person is taking away time from your appointment. This is not only unprofessional, it is RUDE.

Regards,

Sabra

I believe Can'tExplain is spot on.

Does your T allow any texting/email in between sessions? If yes, could you tell her via one of those methods instead? Might be easier than in person for you.