[peaches100]

There's something that has been bothering me, and I need to talk about it here. I've been in t for several years, and over those years, I've given her some gifts. Mostly, I've given her bags of produce from my garden each summer - usually 2-3 bags each year. I also gave her a small crystal mouse and a card and picture frame when her mom died a couple of years back. In addition, I've given her cards or read poems I wrote about therapy on occasion. In doing all of this, I swear I did not do it for the purpose of getting something back from her. Whether I get something back or not, I still want to give my t these things out of appreciation.

But here's the problem. . .

Even though I don't give gifts in order to get something back, there are occasionally times when I mention that I'd like to have my t do a particular thing, or if I'm going through an especially hard time, I would hope that she would be willing to maybe go that extra mile to help me out when I need it. And although sometimes she does come through for me, when I think about it, I feel like I've given her far more than she has given me. I don't dwell on it. But there are times when I've needed some gesture or something to show that she cares about me, and often it doesn't happen and I end up feeling really bad.

I think I've mentioned this before in a thread, but I can't remember. But one of the things that illustrate this is that one time, t and I were talking about matzo balls, and she was telling me how good they are. I said I'd love to try one, and she told me, "I'm making some soon for a family get together, and if I have any left over, I will bring you one."

Well, I wrongly assumed that she would save me one, and that didn't happen. When I asked her about it, she said there wasn't enough to bring me one. While I understand that, at the same time, my heart just sank. Because I couldn't help but remember how I bring her produce each year, bags of it, and I make sure I pick out the best of them for her. But on the other hand, she was only willing to give me something if it was "left overs." And that's kind of my life story - in most all of my relationships - what I freely give and want to give, people do not reciprocate. So in all, I've probablly given her at least 10 bags of produce over the years, but she didn't even save me a matzo ball.

And it's kind of the same thing when it comes to email. I have a big problem with feeling rejected and abandoned based on my past. And t knows that if I'm in crisis and email her, and she replies that she is too busy, and then waits for 2 days to get back to me, it hurts me horribly. It's the one and only main trigger that will send me into a spiral down. But she still does it. Granted, it's not very often. She usually is prompt getting back to me if I email. But sooner or later, she will send that "I'm too busy" message - usually at the worst times when I truly need her most.

I don't feel that I am terribly demanding. I never call her after hours, not on weekends or evenings. I don't page her. I've never driven by her home or tried to get her to spend time with me outside the therapy room. And I rarely ask for anything. But the TWO things I've told her from the beginning of our work together is that I need (1) prompt responses when I'm in need and (2) physical comfort on those rare occasions when my coping skills arent enough to pull me out of pain. But I feel that in these two areas, she just hasn't come through for me. With the email replies, I finally stopped emailing completely because when she responded that she was too busy to help me at the time, I just couldn't deal with it. At first, I'd get upset with her for not being more compassionate and responsive. But later, I'd apologize and end up hating myself and feeling like my needs were wrong and "too much."

The result is that every time I need her and she disappoints me, I end up feeling worse about my needs and then detach from her almost altogether. I know it's not balanced. But it hurts so much to need her and then she isn't there for me. It brings back all of my childhood abandonment stuff with my mom, who did the same thing to me as a kid when I needed her.

As of today, I've been detached from her for a whole month, ever since before Christmas, when I emailed twice that I needed her, and both times, she was too busy with family and other things. Granted, she did eventually get back to me and address my email, but not at the time when I really needed her to. By then, I'd had to handle the crisis on my own without help - which, again, is what I always had to do at home as a kid.

Now I know I'm not a kid now, I'm an adult, but these kinds of things I've mentioned in this thread just trigger the most awful worst feelings in me and leave me feeling unimportant, invisible, and not cared about. It makes me want to crawl into a hole and just stay there.

The only way I've been able to deal with this situation is to put away my painful emotions, expectations, needs for care and nurturance, etc., and just show up for my sessions in a sort of numb but adult state of mind. This has worked out OK for me, in the sense that we can have an intellectual discussion about DBT, coping skills, and the like without any of my pain or neediness coming up. But my t says she can feel that I am distanced from her, that I am holding back alot of my feelings, and that if I am not "completely there" during therapy, then it will not be very productive.

She wants me to show my feelings, but what good is it? I've already told her how i feel many times, and she can't meet my needs as much as I need her to. The only thing that opening up my feeilngs does is to bring out all that stored up pain and need - and then I sit there feeling those awful longings for comfort and love, and my t can't meet them. I don't want to keep opening up Pandora's box and then be stuck sitting in the middle of it without the help I need to deal with it.

I don't know what to do. . .

[HazelGirl]

This is so so hard, and one of the reasons a lot of T's refuse to accept gifts from clients. However, can you look at it like this: if you give your doctor a gift, would you expect them to do anything other than their job in response? Of course not. Although the T-client relationship is more intimate, the basis of the relationship between doctor and client is still the same. Since it is bothering you so much, it's important to bring it up and be honest about it. But know that she has no obligation to reciprocate if she doesn't feel it's appropriate.

[stopdog]

I don't believe in giving gifts to a therapist - they get paid. It is their job. Payment is what they get for sitting there for the 50 minutes I am there also.
I also do not believe in taking favors or gifts from a therapist. It muddies everything up and I don't want to have any mixing with the woman.

[feralkittymom]

I know this is painful, especially to experience over and over again. I don't understand, however, why so many people seem to think therapy is about having needs met uncritically. It always seemed to me that my job as a client was to be honest about who I was, which meant I brought my needs into the relationship, experienced them and eventually, with my T's help, examined them. It wasn't necessarily to have them met, nor circumstances controlled in such a way as to avoid triggering them. In experiencing them and analyzing them, and my T initially supporting me by meeting them but not often in the ways I envisioned, I both came to understand them as well as to grow such that the needs became less prominent, less a driving force.

The moments in which needs arise and are experienced painfully are exactly the moments that provide the opportunity to not simply repeat the past silently, but to work through them with your T. It sounds like your T knows this. Otherwise, you don't heal.

[Leah123]

I suggest you get a new therapist, or at the least, give this letter to the one you have. I wouldn't expect a gift exchange, and I tried to explain why not in the other thread you started, but I think her mentioning she might save you a matzo ball and then not, and being too busy for you gives you *justifiable* feelings of being unworthy.

Other therapists are more open to what you want, if it's worth pursuing to you.

Also though, I hear you needing help in the moment with crises. Some therapists can be there- mine often can which is amazing, but a lot can't, or even if they want to, the timing doesn't work out. I wonder if you'd consider DBT which is a form of therapy focusing on emotional regulation to help those crises seem more manageable, to help you get through waves of emotion. I'm incorporating it into my therapy with a workbook and discussions/brainstorming with my therapist and it helps me have a sense of control, of being able to take the edge off my intense emotions when it's not practical to work them through therapeutically.

Good luck, I'm sorry you're struggling so.

(P.S. Just saw the word DBT in your post, not sure how far in you are, but I have found it helpful. Reading your post again really does make me lean toward having you find a more nurturing therapist though, I am sooooooooo relieved and happy to have found mine after more clinical/detached/incompetent ones when I was younger.)

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by peaches100

And it's kind of the same thing when it comes to email. I have a big problem with feeling rejected and abandoned based on my past. And t knows that if I'm in crisis and email her, and she replies that she is too busy, and then waits for 2 days to get back to me, it hurts me horribly. It's the one and only main trigger that will send me into a spiral down. But she still does it. Granted, it's not very often. She usually is prompt getting back to me if I email. But sooner or later, she will send that "I'm too busy" message - usually at the worst times when I truly need her most.

I don't feel that I am terribly demanding. I never call her after hours, not on weekends or evenings. I don't page her. I've never driven by her home or tried to get her to spend time with me outside the therapy room. And I rarely ask for anything. But the TWO things I've told her from the beginning of our work together is that I need (1) prompt responses when I'm in need and (2) physical comfort on those rare occasions when my coping skills arent enough to pull me out of pain. But I feel that in these two areas, she just hasn't come through for me. With the email replies, I finally stopped emailing completely because when she responded that she was too busy to help me at the time, I just couldn't deal with it. At first, I'd get upset with her for not being more compassionate and responsive. But later, I'd apologize and end up hating myself and feeling like my needs were wrong and "too much."

I replied about the gift thing in your other thread, but wanted to add some additional thoughts on the other things you wrote.

What you wrote about emails is what particularly struck me. I think perhaps your T could have phrased her responses better, but she is giving you a prompt response, even if it's just to say that she's "too busy." The way I imagine her meaning that is that she's too busy to read/reply to the email right then, not that she's too busy for you. It's her way of giving you that prompt response and acknowledging that you need a reply of some kind. It might not be the reply you want, but it is a reply.

If you are really in crisis and really need a response from your T, and you get the "too busy" reply, maybe that's a time that you SHOULD call her. Yes, you might have to leave a message, but you could just say something like "I got your email reply, but I really need some support right now, can you please call me back?" It's possible T is sending an email reply without yet reading your email or not realizing how urgent things are. There are times when email is not the most effective form of communication, and most people do not consider email an "immediate" form of communication. Usually, 24-48 hours is a reasonable time to expect a reply...maybe more, if the person has decided to unplug for a few days.

Maybe this is worth a conversation with your T. Ask her if you can call her when you really need her support. Let her know that the "too busy" email upsets you and ask her if she can phrase it differently. Maybe, she could reply with something like "I've received your email but am unable to give it the time it deserves right now. If you feel this is urgent, please call me."

[Aloneandafraid]

Thank you Peaches for your post. I can relate to this. I am so sorry you are going through this. It really hurts and I know exactly what you mean about the needs and feeling unworthy. I feel exactly the same. I have this with my T and it is taking over everything we discuss in session. I text her when I end to reach out but she will never answer she just acknowledges the text by replying 'see you next week'. When I brought this up she said it is her boundary. I don't understand. I don't call her, I never text at weekends, I only text if desperate - although I do need to reach out at the moment. I feel embarrassed for reaching out, for being too needy and demanding. So then I withdraw and then I feel worse. I need her. I'm sorry I am no help to you - your post just really touched me.