Worried that T will call the cops

Fartra, I think you have been misreading a lot of what people have been saying.

Most of us are trying to show her how it CAN be possible and IS possible to support yourself on your own. It doesn't mean it's easy, and it doesn't mean it can be done instantly, but it IS possible even though growli doesn't think that it is.

And no one has said that growli has to report her parents. Most of what I've read in here, has been explaining why her T might report them.

Growli: I think in regards to the fact that your parents are paying for everything for you, you should at least be a bit thankful for that. They've been UTTERLY horrible parents, but at least you are able to go towards your dream - music at a private sort of school. For a lot of people, that's a pipe dream because they have to look at taking a program that is more likely to lead to employment, and they have to attend non-private schools that you were rather insulting towards. They're at least giving you money towards your education and your mental health - they could have thrown you out and under the bus when you finished highschool (although I get that they would have not done this because that would totally ruin their image.) --> With this, I'm just trying to help find that silver lining because there is always one. They could definitely just not pay for any mental health services and then use any breakdown you might have had as "evidence" to others for who knows what... but they choose to pay. Things are never black and white, and I think their willingness to pay for everything is one of those grey areas that has both positive and negative things about it.

Very well said Redpanda, I do agree with your post, It wont be easy but its totally possible, and growlything has alot of therapeutical support networks, more than many of us have in my oppinion, I wish you luck growlything.

Yeah, i goto one of those crappy universities because i pay for eerything myself. no-one covering a dam thing. and it will take me a long time because i have to work several jobs to goto school and try to pay for stuff. i have to take out student loans to pay for my courses and housing. those loans i will be paying for the rest of my life probably.

what i do know. i would rather be proud of myself for working hard to educate myself, work lots of jobs, etc than continuously allow myself to be abused and constantly complain about it, but take the abusers money.

its blood money... but it buys you a fancy private school, music lessons, 4 therapists, etc. .........what do you think you will owe for that?

in some ways you are incredibly entitled and insulting to people that have been abused and have no-one to depend on for anything, but ourselves.

I think that it's a bit harsh to say growlithing is "entitled" because she's still financially dependent on her parents who were abusive to her. I am in a similar situation; my father and stepmother were emotionally abusive and neglectful to me throughout my childhood, and I am financially dependent on them at the moment because I know that it will be best for me in the long run.

My father is paying for my school, weekly sessions with my T (used to be twice a week but we cut it down to once a week this year because T was scaling back her hours), and a condo which is far enough away from him and other abusive family members that I feel pretty safe.

And while it really sucks to be dependent on someone else, having luxuries like my own place and schooling paid for while being away from the toxic environment I grew up in has greatly reduced A LOT of my anxiety and I am functioning much better as a result. I am getting straight As in my courses, volunteering, making friends, taking good care of the condo, have a job lined up for the summer, and am pretty much getting my life back together. None of that would be possible without my father's continued financial support.

If I didn't have the money, I could probably work a bunch of crappy jobs to pay for school and take out loans and see a T once a month (maybe if I was lucky) and be super stressed and fall back into old anxiety/depression cycles just because I'd be feeling so overwhelmed with everything. At this point in my life, I think I've taken on as much as I can handle, and removing my father from my life wouldn't be worth it due to the extra stress it would cause me. It just wouldn't make sense.

Yeah, it isn't fun to be dependent on someone who has hurt you in the past and will probably continue to hurt you in the future, but I'm also doing what I need to do to build the life for myself that I need. And I would venture a guess that growlithing is in a similar position, doing what she feels she needs to do to keep going.

Emptyspace: I understand your point of view, and I dont intend to disrespect growlys either. But I get what you are saying, the parents are paying for everything ( which is a luxury) they coul have just dumped her. She is not a minor so they are really not obligated.

She had horrible upbringing, but if it was not for them she would not have many therapists or college. Like you said, its blood money. To each his own.

If you are accepting help from them, then you are accepting everything that goes with it, imo, past csa past emotional abuse and physical abuse.

How can one let go or heal from csa and abuse when you are willing to accept help from the abusers, yet complain and hate them. It probably strikes nerve with many csa survivors. No disrespect towards anyone.

I could just never do it. I left home, I stayed at friends houses, I slept in parks, I went hungry, finally worked in fast food place and found another job at nite, got me a studio apt where I paid weekly, the bathroom was outside. But I refused any help. Thats just me.

Golden handcuffs are difficult to shed.

I tried not to quote this in my initial response... but it was this post that inspired all of what I said.

I did not attend an education factory. I attended a university. I had to work hard and earn my degree - a factory would just pump out degrees or basically cater to someone to make them graduate. That would have never happened. And how would someone know what it was like at a university if they've never attended one... it was a dismissive and derogatory comment towards a good chunk of the population... and seeing as that paragraph said that you didn't want to hear deragatory comments from others.. it's also hypocritical as you just dolled out a lot of deragatory statements against others.

And saying that your parents hoard money instead of patting you on the back? What do you think they are doing when they're spending that saved money on your education and mental health costs?? That isn't hoarding money. That's spending a LOT of money on their child. You view it as a control issue, and sure, it is. But they're paying for you to learn independence and to be able to take care of yourself someday - they wouldn't pay for mental health costs if they didn't want you to function. If they didn't want you to function and to remain with them, they'd let you totally sink and flunk out. You've chosen to accept that money, which means that you've chosen to give them further control. That's your choice, not theirs.

It makes me sad that you use the excuse that they didn't teach you anything as a reason to not learn anything. No one taught me anything either! I was taught how to babysit kids. I was taught to be on my best behaviour in front of anyone. I was taught to not express my feelings and emotions. I was not taught how to cook, or how to manage money, or how to go about doing simple things like getting my taxes done, or how to apply for university, or how to get a job. I learned those things either totally on my own by going out and doing it and going through the anxiety of not knowing what I was doing.. or I asked friends how they did it. Even though each of those different things seemed terrifying at the time... all of it's pretty easy and it's not actually that hard to move out and learn how to do things as you go. And getting a credit card is easy - you don't need any credit. So is getting a job, even though the job market's crap and it takes time. But there are lots of entry level jobs that are available to students - places like McDonald's are almost always hiring.

It doesn't buy me a fancy private school. I go to school here because I worked really hard and got merit scholarship from my school that was big enough that it actually turned out cheaper than my in state universities. My music lessons are part of the tuition as well as one of the therapists. The other three I've got insurance to cover.

I didn't mean to say that universities are crappy. I meant that I had the option to pick between places because of the scholarships that I earned with musical merit to get all of the schools I got into to about the same price so I had the ability to pick and choose and I personally preferred this school. I didn't mean to say that universities are crappy.

Why are all of you trying to make me feel terrible for taking their money? I'm not trying to insult anyone. I'm trying to figure out how to be independent as fast as I possibly can. I just can't find a job yet. I've been applying everywhere. I don't want to be under their control anymore. I want to separate myself and be independent. I don't know how and I'm so scared at the idea of it that I am struggling to take any advice on it.

I feel bad for people who have been through my situation and also struggled with finances. I'm not in anyway trying to undermine that or say that my situation is worse or less worse or even equal. It's just different. On the same note, I don't think I deserve to be undermined and told that I'm "insulting to people who were abused" just because I did have access to money. Having someone give you stuff in place of giving you time, love, and affection is not love and there isn't enough money in the world to right what they did to me. I have every right to feel just as abandoned and hurt as anyone else. It's confusing because you feel like you should feel loved because they are paying for you, but at the same time, they are hurting you and abusing you. How am I supposed to know what to think? I don't understand their motives. They pay for me but then tell me that they hate me and tell me that I can't ever do what I want to do in life. And when I was younger, it was even worse. I'm still taking the money because I don't know what else to do and my therapists also don't think that I should try to be completely independent right now. They think I should use a step ladder situation.

I wouldn't say that I'm entitled. Maybe I am and maybe this is just mincing words. I'd say that I don't understand money in a tactile way. I haven't worked or had to manage my own finances, so I don't understand its value. I've been trying to make myself stick to a budget but I'm so impulsive that I've had extremely little success.

So I'm sorry but please don't try to make me feel terrible or like I don't deserve to use the word "abuse" to describe my situation just because my parents paid for me.

I have not seen anyone try to make you feel terrible. Everyone makes choices, and you are choosing, for reasons you have, to stay tied to your family. It is fine if that is what you want to do and if you think that is the best option for you. But there are other choices you could make and people seem to simply be pointing them out. If the other choices are not worth it to you, which it seems they are not, then that is fine too. Your choice. But you do both take their money (perhaps because you feel they owe you something) and complain bitterly about them (they sound awful from your side of the story- I am not saying they are good people). It, as others have pointed out, is possible (not fun, not easy, not comfortable, extremely scary etc - but possible) to choose not to take their money and make other choices where you are not controlled by their money.
If that choice is not the one you want, for whatever reason, then fine. But I think there appears a lack of recognition here that it might help you move forward if you considered it. I could be quite wrong.

It was hypocritical. I shouldn't have said what I did. I was high as a kite when I said that. While it doesn't excuse what I said, I hope it can at least provide some sort of explanation. I didn't mean to insinuate that going to a university is an "education factory". I was thinking about one particular music school that is extremely huge and allows way too many kids to graduate with a music degree when they could never actually get a job in music. I shouldn't have generalized all schools like that. Even though that school I'm thinking about has tons of students, it is still difficult to get a degree and people have to work hard. I'm sorry for being offensive. That was wrong of me.

I don't understand my parents' motives, okay? I don't understand why they do what they do or why they did what they did. It's just a hypocritical mess and I'm going to stop trying to dig myself out of a hole by trying to say one side of the situation. Because to be totally honest, they probably do care about me, but in some really strange way that doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand it, it doesn't matter to me that they care at all, and I shouldn't accept their money because I shouldn't continually accept their abuse.

I'm not trying to use it as an excuse to not learn anything. I'm not learning anything because I feel completely overwhelmed as everyone keeps talking about everything all at once. I'm trying as hard as I know how to become independent. I have been applying to entry level jobs like McDonald's. I'm not "too good" for anything because I have nothing to put on paper so how could I possibly be "too good"? I literally do not get called back even in institutions like that because the competition is so high here and I have no work experience. I'm not going to get a credit card when I don't have an income. That just sounds like a bad idea.

I don't want them in my life. I complain about them because this is the situation I'm in. I'm not even saying I have no way out. Maybe it's coming across like that. I'm saying I'm currently in a situation where I am working to transition to being independent and I'm complaining about them while I'm working to change because if I were to just cut off their money cold turkey, I actually might be able to feed myself with my freelance gigs. I've made about $50 a week for a few weeks now just with my freelance music stuff. The problem is that I could NEVER afford my rent and I'd get evicted by February and screw over my roommates which isn't fair to them. I'm trying to a) find a place with cheaper rent that I can have a shot at actually paying for b) looking for a more steady job to have on top of my freelance work and c) trying to be better with the money I do have in order to save up for being independent. I'm not just staring at an imagined wall and complaining about its color. I put myself in a situation by living in an apartment that I would have no ability to pay for on my own. It was a dumb choice I made last year and I can't have any chance at fixing that until next September.

So all the stuff about you not being able to get a credit account ( not only on this thread)..and alot of really well meaning people trying to help you with this..served what purpose??

You don´t want to get a credit card because it sounds like a bad idea. Fair enough at least thats being honest.

Disclaimer... I didn't read every post.

Opinion.... Your going to the wrong place for help. People here are providing support and ideas. I am not saying you shouldn't ask for support but this thread seems to go be going round and round with no real solution. If you aren't honest from the beginning people are going to feel negativity because they care enough to offer support. Coming clean goes along way. If you goal is solely for support there is no reason to read further.

The thread of information I see come up is wanting to become independent with "reasons" why it isn't happening. But the truth is I am old enough to have gone through a few recessions and had to rebuild from scratch. At one point there was not a >single< job on monster for anyone with any experience. Obviously applying for a job was not and option and you had to find another way.

You should be asking for help in your schools counseling for careers or your community workforce center. Both places have resources to help you identify an appropriate job or internship and at least workforce most likely has a job board with employers friendly to unemployed including never employed. Both places will teach you how to write a resume and one or more will teach you how to interview. This is how you stop being clueless. When you've done all this and there is still too much competition I'd be more sympathetic

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Why not try a temp agency for jobs? ? I did that several times as a student and it worked out very well. It lacks stability but can help in the interim

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I don't understand how I need to "come clean" about anything because I didn't lie about anything...? I didn't lie about what I wanted on the thread because I posted something about being scared about my T calling CPS and the thread has degenerated into talking about my financial stability.

There is no counseling at my school for careers. I worked with a vocational guy to help me build a resume and how to interview. I would be great in an interview but I can't get anyone to call back to give me one. I have identified jobs that would be most friendly to me. I have applied to places where I have good connections. No one has called back.

I think it got onto your finances because that was a big reason you gave for not wanting intervention for your siblings-that your parents would get mad and cut you off.

Yes that's why the conversation went the way it did. But it's not my only reason for not wanting to intervene

1) I don't think my siblings are being abused in a way that is illegal in the state they are in so no action would be taken against them
2) I don't think my siblings are being abused badly enough to warrant putting them in the broken foster care system where I am certain the abuse they would receive would be worse
3) I'm scared of my mom finding out and screaming at me.
4) I'm scared of feeling invalidated when no evidence is found in the house
5) I'm scared of potentially testifying against them when I don't know if they would be found guilty and I don't want to try and relive it all in that setting
6) I don't want my mother to rant at me about how not abusive she is while simultaneously abusing me while she is confused about who called CPS. Saying stuff like "I don't understand how anyone could get that impression, could you? Yeah, I mean we disciplined you, but you deserved it"

I also just wanted to express my anger that no one helped me even when I was in front of my social worker in middle school crying and screaming "don't call my mother. She will hurt me. She will kill me". They just wrote me off as melodramatic.

yes I agree with stopdog, it took the financial angle because you stated that in your post you were afraid that your t would call the cops , on the possibility that there might be abuse to your siblings, but then you changed your mind, because if they found out it was you who reported it , you might get cut off financially.

Growl,

I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you are being put down about being financially dependent on your parents.

Family dynamics are so difficult, without all the extra stuff thrown in.

It is so easy for people, on the internet, regardless of whether or not their in a supposedly supportive place, who just can't fully understand the situation because they aren't in it.

Some people think that leaving is always the best idea, but for those of us actually in that situation, it's not so easy or clear.

You aren't alone. Don't feel put down by the comments in this thread. You know what YOU have to do to survive and you don't have to apologize or rationalize that to us.

I know you posted this before you saw my other post. I said I'd be cut off as one of my fears about this getting reported. There were others but I feel like the others got lost because potentially allowing my siblings to be abused essentially for money is really horrible if it were true. And I also tried to defend myself but couldn't. But that wasn't my only reason. My sister is 16 and is going to leave the house in 2 years. I really REALLY don't think anything that is able to be prosecuted is happening. I could be wrong, but I don't have any probable cause beyond that it happened to me when I was 5 or so years younger. It very well could have happened to her when she was younger but my dad didn't do it when I hit puberty because I was big and strong plus then there would be the possibility that I would get pregnant and he didn't want there to be any evidence. He could be doing it to my brother, but I seriously doubt it.

My parents are probably emotionally abusing my sister because my mom isn't able to actually talk for more than 5 seconds without saying something hurtful. But it isn't so bad that it is worth pulling her out of her house and her schooling when she is going to graduate at the end of next year anyway. My brother is 12 so there is a much bigger window of time and I worry what will happen when he is the only kid in the house. But as of the last time I was in that house a few weeks ago and over the summer, he was certainly not being physically abused. Foster care sounds more dangerous.

I have not seen anyone put the op down for financial dependence. Nor has anyone suggested it would be easy. I have seen people offer other solutions to consider especially when minor children may be being mistreated. If op chooses not to consider options, that is fine, but offering options or other views is not putting her down.
I hope the situation for op gets better in the future.

Calling me entitled, saying that I'm insulting to abuse victims, saying that it's "disturbing" that I would take money from my abusers, saying that well they don't understand my situation but if they were in my situation, they wouldn't be able to accept the help because it would make them feel bad at night, saying that I should feel grateful for my parents because at least they had money. Never mind being beat and raped. I should be grateful because they spent money. My problems are insignificant to people who didn't have any financial backing from their parents at all. Insinuating that I made up my story by saying "I hope its true".

Yes, I'm probably only remembering a few posts that stood out to me and reading into them things that weren't there to begin with. I'm human and we do that. I also know that I got a lot of the reaction I did because people did the same thing I did. I mentioned a possibility that minors could be being abused, people could relate to it, emotions ran high, and people called me out for being selfish for not protecting my siblings. I'm trying to protect them. I think they would be safer with my parents than in foster care and I know that I probably couldn't get custody to save them if they were in that situation. I have no income, no way to support myself, and certainly no way to support two children, along with two mental hospitalizations within the past two years. So I'd have no way of protecting them after they were taken.

Side note: Why would anyone hope that story is true? Wouldn't me lying about all of that stuff happening to me be the preferable outcome? Yeah, it would be irritating and offensive to people who actually went through horrible stuff like that, but saying you hope it's true is essentially saying that you hope that my father raped me... I know that wasn't what the person who said that intended to say. It just came off as very... unbelievably cold.

I understand your difficult situation, I am glad your brother is not getting physically abused, but you know as soon as you told your t about the csa and being that there are minors in the house, a can of worms were opened to the possibility of reporting on her part. growly I wish you the best of luck in this situation

I hope you come to see you are not as trapped as you believe.
Good luck to you.

No, there is no intention to put the op down. The thread went in the direction of financial independence would make things easier regardless of whether it is to protect the children or not feel dependent on the money. That is the only part of the thread I was responding to.

Sorry growl if it came across harsh. There is a tendency to feel hopeless about the job market before attempting all avenues. I see it quite often in people that either haven't had to look ever or people that haven't had to look in a very long time. It seems to be very hard to get these people to open their minds. There are avenues you haven't tried yet according to what I have read. Goes for anyone really.

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