Worried that T will call the cops

Of course I haven't exhausted all options. I've only been seriously looking for a job for like three weeks. I'm not trying to say that I can never get one. I'm trying to say that I can't get one and become independent by tomorrow and talking about being financially independent makes me feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I can't run fast enough to keep up.

And even though I feel hopeless, that doesn't mean I'm not still trying. It just means that I feel hopeless. I wake up in the morning and feel hopeless but I still get out of bed. The way I see it is that feeling hopeless is an emotion, not a fact. I just try to tell myself that. A

It came across as not able to get a job in some of your posts. (Not going to hunt them down). No it won't happen tomorrow but it will happen one step at a time. Each step = 1 vile hopeless antidote. You are not a slave to your emotions.

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The person said that they hoped the part about your siblings being safe and your sister NOT being sexually abused was true. Nothing was ever said about you making things up.

Oh. I misunderstood. Thanks

As long as we are on this subject... I assume the sexual abuse memories of your father molesting you are coming back now? I know once before you said you weren't sure if your father had sexually abused you or not. I am not trying to stir anything up, just curious if I am getting my information mixed up.

Yeah a lot of them came back right after christmas when I went into my old bedroom where everything happened

**trigger warning again***

Please don't do that. I've already spent hours mentally beating myself up and thinking I'm some sick perverted piece of **** because I forgot part of the trauma and therefore must have dreamed it up. But I know this happened to me because I didn't literally forget everything. The only part of what happened to me that has any gray area is the literal penetration because that's the only part I forgot and recalled. The rest of it was stuff that happened to me that I ignored like a subtle pain in your gut that you eventually stop noticing it's there. No one coached me into believing this happened and I'm not just wildly pulling it out of my *** for attention.

Please don't challenge my memories. It's extremely invalidating because this is something that is very delicate and very sore to me. I've already read that site 100 times over. I already struggle with the validity of this memory in particular and all of my abusive memories (even the ones that I never forgot) enough because my parents told me everything they did was normal.

I'm not sure if anyone else saw the link before you deleted it and it doesn't matter. I'm sorry if my post or anything I said made you upset. We've both been through enough to then use our very real feelings in some petty internet flame war. I know you deleted the post because you realized it would probably start a fight, but to be honest, all it did was pick at a fresh scab inside of me that I'm going to now have to spend an indefinite amount of time trying to fix. I appreciate the help, but please just... don't do that.

Growli, I didn't see the post/link you're referring to (kind of glad I didn't, to be honest). But just so you know, I repressed almost all memories of CSA through dissociation. A series of events triggered my memories as an adult. I was always aware of a difficult childhood, but not overtly sexual memories.

I think most posters on this thread were trying to offer perspectives as alternatives, and that is helpful. I think a few were acting out of their own pain in ways that were invalidating and accusingly.

I'm glad some were fortunate enough in their lives to find the ego strength which allowed them to leave their abusers and risk independence at early ages. If I were to say that as horrible as their abuse experience was, the "up-side" was that it also gave them that ego strength, and they should be grateful for that--I would hope they would find my statement infuriating and invalidating because it would be.

We all find our own paths in whatever ways we can; there's no moral hierarchy of healing.

I'm sorry I don't know what post or link you are referring too either. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

I actually AM grateful for it, hahaha! But, I've worked really hard with myself to find the positives in the negatives. Can't change the past, but I can use the things I learned to my advantage as best as I can. I find it takes away some of the pain to know that I can at least use the skills I learned in a negative context, and use them in a positive context.

Good for you. I suspect such a perspective was hard won over a period of time, not instantly. Everyone's entitled to their own timetable for healing.

I never said it wasn't feral - I just found myself laughing when you said how invalidating it would be, because it's by this point one of the few things I fall back on when it's rough and felt like sharing that with you. I never once have said or implied that someone should be able to do something instantly and I don't really like having that implication put on me.

Sorry, I misread your meaning.

Just remember that many abusers are also narcissistic. If you are a child that means your experience is completely invalidated. In therapy I have found that some things from my childhood that I thought were just very realistic and consistent nightmares were actually real. But I was told so often that my life was perfect, no one hurt me, I was just crazy that I accepted I was crazy and blocked out the reality of the experience.
Growli if it is any comfort I think that many who were abused as children doubt their memories and experience or think that "it wasn't that bad . I must be over reacting this probably happens to everyone and I just can't deal because there is something wrong with me".

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I am going to share something really difficult for me just in case it is helpful.

In the past, I have believed that I was abused by my father. It was in the context of being hospitalised for mental health problems and being in an environment where all the professionals around me were pushing hard for the 'reason'/'justification' for why I was as I was. I was also surrounded by other patients (who became my closest friends, even family) who were saying they had been abused. I said it in panic. Over time, truth and fiction blurred as I lived and dreamed it. I genuinely believed it had happened to me.

I was taken into foster care. My siblings were interviewed by police, but thankfully not removed from my parents' care. They were not allowed any friends etc over. My father was not arrested, but knows of similar situations where the father was arrested at his workplace. Fortunately I was not physically examined to 'prove' or 'disprove' anything- I think if I had been I would have had to kill myself.

After I left hospital and settled into a 'normal' life and context again, I came slowly to realise that it hadn't happened to me. The way back has been horrific. I have had to doubt my sanity, my personality, my intentions, my... everything. So has everyone who knows the truth. My credibility is compromised for life. My relationships with my siblings and parents are broken. My parents weren't perfect, and I am damaged as a result of my childhood. But, I wasn't abused.

My two closest friends in hospital had the same experience (unknown to me). One of them tried to mend it, but it was too late and she has no contact. The other has never spoken the truth. Her parents divorced on the basis of what she said, and her siblings have no relationship with their father. There are no happy endings.

I know what it is like to disclose and see it take on a life of its own. To feel the wheels carry the whole thing forward and forward to places you didn't imagine, and to feel it is so out of your control that you can never go back. I wish that someone had validated that this can happen, and offered me a way out. No assumptions, no judgement, no acccusations, Growlithing. Just my offering- in case it is helpful.

Growlithing have you ever re-read your first post in your old thread: " Drowning in my mom´s apathy"?

Not trying to invalidate your feelings or experience in anyway about what you´ve gone through. I just remembered what you wrote about being thankful for not having experienced SA but completely hating your mother. Really understandable by the way. Don´t know if that conversation could have stirred something in you, one way or the other.

Yes, you are trying to invalidate me. Why else would you go digging through my posts like that to pull up something that contradicts what I'm saying now?

But for the record, this is the quote you are referring to:

Perhaps it would seem odd that I would six months later turn around and say that I was sexually abused. However, isn't it odd in the first place that I would be SO ANGRY at the suggestion that maybe I was? I went into detail about how she failed to protect me and how she should have investigated it but didn't. I was so hurt by her mentioning this because it did happen and maybe I was calling it by some other name or refusing to admit to myself that what my father did was CSA and I couldn't remember details about it. But people typically (not always) don't have an emotional response to someone asking if they were abused that was so strong that it drives them to self harm and contemplate suicide unless something did happen and that person rubbed on a soft spot.

I don't really understand why some people are so hell bent to "prove" that I am lying about my experiences, but it doesn't really matter. Maybe you feel triggered with your own issues. I don't care. The thing is that the things that I experienced in my life are not up to debate- especially not by people who don't even know my first name. So you can try to "prove me wrong" and invalidate me however you want, but all you're doing is wasting your time harassing some kid/young adult on the internet about the realest **** a person could experience. I'm not the one that ends up looking bad.

I wasn´t really trying to prove you wrong. You sort of choose to lay everything out online.Theres a change/risk people will respond or offering you different inputs on your situation.

Good luck with it all.

Growli, you don't need to prove stg to us here/or anywhere. YOU know the truth.

Yes, and tons of people post pictures or videos of themselves online too. Just because you have the ability to comment on someone's picture and call them a fat, ugly slut doesn't mean you should and it doesn't mean that they were asking for your ****** opinion.

Anyway, I'm done. I'm not going to try and prove myself right to you or anyone else because the funny thing about my experiences is that no matter if you believe them or not, they still happened and they still mattered.

Woh..I didn´t ask you to prove yourself. Thats how you choose to interpretate it. As someone wrote, you know your own thruth.
I´ll stay away before I get accused of all sorts.

Absolutely not.
I'm tempted to say more, but I don't want to weaken the message. Maybe I'll add - You're very normal. It's a very hard thing to do, and you have lots of good reasons to be frightened and no one knows what the result would be - but you have good reasons to fear many of the results and few if any reasons to feel it would work out well.

I wonder if it's because you were traumatized, and are scared, and very human. We all do stuff like that.

I remember one time I handled a disclosure about whether I knew someone in a dual relationship in a very clumsy way. Nothing bad happened. I didn't lie. I was just clumsy in NOT revealing the dual relationship we agreed not to reveal unless it was necessary. and it wasn't necessary. I built it up in my mind that the other half of the dual relationship would not want me around anymore!! and it felt like the most normal fear in the world! Eventually I told the other half of the dual relationship. It was hardly a blip on the screen, and I told myself it's because she didn't see how awkward I was, and that that reflected badly on her. If that's what I did over handling something clumsily, with no harm to anyone, except maybe myself, I can't imagine what I'd think if I'd had your experiences.

You sound connected to reality to me. Even in the face of challenges, you know what you know. you know what happened to you. that's pretty real. and strong.

.
See the problem I have is that in many of your posts that you share here on the internet, you talk about your father and that you were NOT SAed. You posted them. It was not just one.

Not just that one that Littleme shared, but others. And since you post everything on the internet, what are people supposed to think?

So Littlemeinside, just pointed one out. There are others. You even have a post talking about how your father did not abuse you like your mother, and that you are homesick.

It's very triggering to people to see the differences...... and hard to believe what you are saying since the postings are so different.

But why would she lie or make this up? That doesn't make sense to me?