Worried that T will call the cops

*this will get quite triggering for actually all types of abuse*

So I saw formal T today. Last week, I had told her about some CSA I went through at the hands of my father. Today, she asked me how old my younger siblings are. I asked her why and she said she needed to talk to her supervisor to decide whether or not she should call CPS for the safety of my younger sister.

I REALLY do not want her to do that. I really don't think he's doing anything to her. Their relationship is completely different than ours was and I also highly doubt CPS would find any evidence of any other abuse. All that would happen is that my mother would be furious with me. She'd say I'm making up what happened to me, that my dad would never do anything, and that I'm just an attention ***** that is deliberately trying to ruin their lives. They'd cut me off completely because they would also say that my school is coaching me to say that and try to get me to move back into their home. I won't do that and I'd end up homeless.

T said she won't do anything without talking to me and LCM and that she probably won't do anything in the end anyway. My sister is 16. I was 9 or 10 or something. And there is no real grounds to accuse him of doing anything to either of my siblings... beyond the fact that he did stuff to me. Both of my parents also physically abused me and I know they didn't do that to my siblings. While you can never be 100% certain about stuff like this, it also makes sense that he wouldn't abuse my sister sexually if he wouldn't abuse her physically.

To be honest, the idea of investigating my parents now makes me angry. Where were the people who cared about MY safety when this stuff was happening to me? I resent my sister's existence so much. She was the daughter my parents wanted and she got the parents I always needed. I was the "bad kid" and she was the "angel". My mom would joke and say that she wishes she could only take responsibility for her and tell people that I'm adopted. She'd say she only wanted people to identify her as my sister's mother. My mom comforts my sister when she cries and tells her that it's okay to make mistakes. I was beat and then locked in my room for over 12 hours without food when I got a poor behavior mark in elementary school for talking out in class. When I couldn't understand my math homework or forgot to turn in some extra credit for a class I had an A in, I was called a "****ing idiot" and slapped across the face. But she gets a hug and is told that everything is okay.

My sister has a relationship with my father that seems healthy. They have nicknames for each other and laugh with each other and he does stuff with her like a normal dad. I didn't get that. I got ignored except for when I was getting beat or raped. He laughed at my tears. He takes my sister out for ice cream and tells her she looks like a princess in her homecoming dress. He made me so ashamed of my body and so afraid of receiving any male attention that I can't wear a dress.

So part of me is scared that she will call CPS and effectively terminate my sole way of getting money. Part of me feels guilty that I don't want for my siblings what I never got. And then another part of me feels angry that no one was there to save me.

I needed to rant and I don't know what to do with all of this. I'll stop spamming the forums soon I promise.

I'm glad you posted, and I appreciate your honesty about where you are right now with this complicated situation and your motivations. I can understand your perspective. But I want you to consider that it doesn't seem you're in a position to objectively judge the situation: you're much too close and someone responsible needs to keep your siblings safe. It's not so black and white as your perception: even if they're treated better, nothing can be healthy in a family where the abuses you've described have occurred, it's just a matter of the dysfunction playing out differently for each person and in each relationship. Your siblings' safety must come before your desire for money or feelings of jealousy, I think that's where your T is coming from, at least I hope so as she's a legally mandated reporter.

I know from experience, you can't disclose abuse and not have it make an impact, though it's hard to understand how that impact will occur until you're in the thick of it.

I chose to disclose when I was 16, partly to make sure my little stepsister stayed safe, because I couldn't be 100% sure she wasn't. It was terrible. I reported to the police and my life fell apart over the next year. But I was able to live with myself with a clean conscience. That's a priceless feeling. I'd hate for you to feel any regret years later, when you're healthier and look back on this pivotal moment if you put your pain, jealousy, and fear of losing funds and such before your siblings. I encourage you to feel all your feelings, but don't let them rule you: the anger you feel at not being protected has the potential to be healed as you break the cycle by doing what you wish someone had done for you.

Best of luck.

Your parents are pieces of work.

Leah123 makes better points than I ever could.

I was reading about narcissistic parents and I learned that they often have a scape goat and a golden child in the family. I'm sorry you were the scape goat. Being the golden child comes with a different set of problems.

Here is an unvetted link on the topic:
Golden Child Scapegoat - Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

That sucks. But i dont think they can disclose everything you said without your permission, even if they do want to investigate your sisters safety. So i would just say that because of your age or something, they were required to "follow up" - and that would be the ONLY thing i would say to your family. Just minimize it to them, IF it happens. Dont engage. Dont borrow trouble.

They can report without your permission, if they deem it necessary. However, they do not have to say the report came from you. Legally, they might have to act, though.

But what if she is being abused, just covertly where you can't see? What if she is subject to the same horrors? And is it really her fault if she is treated better? Your anger shouldn't be directed at her. It needs to be directed where it belongs: your horrible parents.

Where would they say the report came from then? A random CPS call from several states away? Or could they completely seal the identity to the point where they could think it was just some neighbor or one of my sister's friends?

If she is then all I can hope is that they find some evidence. I just feel like the odds that they would find evidence would be unlikely and that the odds my parents think the call was from something I said to someone is almost 100% because they know what they did to me. I know that they know. It would only make sense that the call was placed by the person that received the brunt of the abuse. I'd know if she were being physically abused because they weren't quiet about it. I would have seen something when I still lived there year round. While it's possible that they randomly started physically abusing her or my brother after I left for school, I find it unlikely.

The thing is that I know my mother at least terrifies my brother. There was an incident this summer where she was yelling at my father and him so loudly that when I came upstairs to talk to my brother, he was crying and told me he was thinking about running down the street and getting a pistol from a friend to calm the situation down. I recorded the entire conversation and most of the fight on a cell phone in my pocket in case she threatened me or my brother physically. I'd at least have evidence. Unfortunately, the recording did not properly sync to my computer and when the software on my phone didn't download correctly, I lost it. But even still, there was no evidence on that recording that could be construed as child abuse in the court of law because nothing was said to my brother that was directly damaging to his self esteem. It was just some crazy lady yelling at her husband and making her son terrified.

So if they are abusing them, they are abusing them within the boundaries of the law which is disgusting to me. Admittedly, I have no way of knowing about anything sexual. But I doubt it is going on now seeing as she is 16, just under 6 feet tall and 200lbs.

The report can be made anonymously. Maybe a neighbor hearing yelling finally decided to call the cops on them? Something like that can happen. Certainly, they may know it was you. But legally, your T is REQUIRED to report it, if he/she deems it necessary. Your T has no choice in the matter and can lose her job and license if she doesn't.

A piece of work is the nice way to put it.

I know the golden child has a different set of issues. My sister has a lot of similar traits to my mother too. Just this cold lack of empathy. I remember vividly when she took our little brother out in the snow, took off his boots and socks and left him to walk barefoot in the snow. I picked him up and took him inside and to be honest, I've basically hated her ever since. She does cruel things like that all the time. She locked him in the basement for hours and hours, beat him up, and misses no opportunity to berate him.

The thing is that I know she does that to a) mimic how she's seen my mother "punish" me and b) because she's jealous of my brother because my mom said he's smarter than her. And I try to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is a kid. But I was 16 four years ago, I also harbored animosity towards her because my mom always said that she was sweeter, more pleasant to be around, harder working, and just the greater human being. I never did any of that stuff to her. I offered her advice if she needed it. I didn't spend all of my time at the kitchen table talking about how ugly she is like how she treats my brother because I knew that doing that would be wrong. So it is very hard for me to cut her a break at all. Maybe it's easier for someone who is older and the age 16 seems younger.
I can cut both of my siblings a break for being racist and homophobic because my parents literally brainwashed us all. It makes me more angry at my parents when my 12 year old brother says that gay people are bad because I get in trouble when I try to challenge him on that belief (just by asking him why he thinks that is and pointing out the errors in his thinking). But cutting someone a break for being physically and emotionally violent is harder because it demonstrates a lack of empathy.

When reading your 1st post I thought you have a point- not reporting to get your fundings. But after reading your 2nd and 3rd post here I can't and have to agree with Leah. This is not healthy, your little brother could snap and go for the gun. If I were you I'd report and do anything to protect them out of that hellhole.

Maybe. But it's very common for children who are abused to act out against other children, especially a sibling. Just because she seems to have a good relationship with your father doesn't mean he isn't abusing her. There are many varieties of dynamic in incest families.

1) If you get declared "independent" from your parents you would likely be eligible for all kinds of financial aid so even if they cut you off, you might not have to leave college. There are probably counsellors at your school who can help you navigate this process.

2) In the family that you're describing I could imagine any number of people making the call: a teacher or counsellor from your siblings' schools, a neighbor, the parent of one of their friends etc. It's not at all obvious to me that you would necessarily be the only one. If I saw a child being very cruel and lacking in empathy the way you describe your sister, I'd probably assume something was happening at home that merited investigation.

3) Your sister's age and size don't necessarily preclude ongoing sexual abuse. There are lots of ways to abuse someone without having to physically overpower them.

4) Your siblings ARE abused. Witnessing one's parents abusing a sibling is a kind of trauma/abuse even for the golden child in the family. Certainly, from your perspective, I understand why it doesn't seem that way, but being cruel and lacking in empathy can also be a symptom of abuse. If you look at the definition of PTSD it includes just witnessing violence or disaster without being the direct target or victim.

I agree with this, My father came across as a sweet guy and had a great relationships with us all even his grandchildren, He sexually abused them, Thankfully we found out what he was doing and he is now locked up.

growlithing, Reading your post I feel for you and I know this is hard but this is abuse and needs to be reported and stopped.

Disclaimer: I have not read the whole thread, because I'm scooting round trying to get ready to rush out the door.

But. While I can see where you're coming from - it's not good enough for your little sister that you think she's probably okay. What if she isn't?...

Abuse can be a very insidious thing. I sincerely hope it is not the case that your sister is being abused, but just because your father calls her a princess and looks on her with affection does not mean she is safe from him. Quite the opposite, in a way. A man who can molest and rape one child can do it to another, maybe with a different set of manipulations ("Daddy's doing this because he loves you so much and you're so special and grown up" etc) and it does not make it remotely okay.

Please don't dismiss her out of hand. Nobody was there to protect you and that is unforgivable and horrific. I'm sure there are plenty of us on this forum who wish we could have protected you, same as we wish we could have protected any child lost in that, telling us their story years after all the hurt. You have a chance here to help ensure her safety, and that is priceless. I know it's all kinds of hard - much love to you.

The logical part of my mind thinks they should be investigated. Not even just to protect my siblings, but because if any evidence is found against them, all of us would have the chance to receive help and maybe even some freedom. My concern is what if they don't find any evidence? What if they call CPS and they find no evidence and my mother blames me? What if they do find evidence, I testify against them, but they aren't found guilty?

And it's still too little help too late. She's a junior in high school. She'll be moving out in less than two years. It's just my brother. He is mostly emotionally neglected and while he deserves to be not ignored and he needs to have someone teach him to be more open minded. But I don't know if he'd be safer in the system and I can't take him in. I guess he'd go to our godparents who are genuinely great people. I don't know.

I'm just scared.

You don't know if it would be too late to help your sister. It doesn't matter at all that she's nearly done with high school.

The sooner things end, the better it will be for all of your siblings. And even if your dad hasn't done anything to your younger sister - there's always the "yet" that can be tagged on.

What I don't get though is that I told my T about the physical and emotional abuse years ago. Why is it only when I start talking about sexual abuse does anyone try to protect them? It's like they'll let my parents beat me and sabotage my self esteem but the second anything sexual happens, that's where they cross the line. Physical abuse is fine. Kids get over that and it isn't a serious offense. But sexual abuse? Something must be done to stop it. What? How does that make sense? The CSA I experienced was just part of the abuse I endured. Yeah, it created a lot of problems with me. Maybe more problems than the other stuff did but I don't want to try and separate it because my background is too rich and my symptoms too all encompassing. It'd be like trying to figure out who gave me the flu. But still. Why are they only talking about taking action now?

Possibly because you didn't express wanting any action taken, and you aren't a minor anymore (are you? I can't remember, but I am fairly sure you're 18 or older right?) which would make it something that's your choice and not something that your therapist is responsible for reporting...

But with the mention of CSA, there is always the chance that it is happening to your siblings as well. You haven't mentioned on here (that I can recall) any physical abuse towards your siblings, and thus nothing would need to be reported. But you wouldn't see the sexual abuse if it was going on with your younger siblings. Hence, it needs to be reported as your brother is most definitely a minor. If you didn't want to report it for yourself, then no one can make you. But it is your therapist's job and responsibility to look out for the welfare of minors.

I just wanted to tell you that I was in a similar situation. My T did not end up reporting anything, but it's a scary situation for sure.

To sort of put your T off the scent of attack, I sort of let things settle for awhile and worked on other issues while those younger ones grew up and moved out.

Growlithing, do your parents know that you've disclosed information about abuse? Would it be the natural conclusion for them that the CPS visit would be because of information you shared? Here, they can't say who "reported" any incidents of concern. I was wondering if you would be able to blow it off like it's ludicrous if they asked you about it.

Physical abuse tends to leave more evidence that is visible to the eye where CSA does not. Since your siblings are still minors your T has no choice but to report it now she has been made aware of it. If there is direct evidence of additional physical abuse she would need to report that as well. If she doesn't she could lose her job. Unfortunately no one was there for you and that is awful, but your siblings cant help the fact that they were born later and do need protection.

I thought that I was the only one who was being abused in my family. It helped me to beleive that if my dad turned to me that he would not turn to my sisters. I was dead wrong. I hope that CPS does get involved for your sake and that of your siblings.

It is disturbing to me that you are willing to accept so much financial support from parents who have victimized you and is on some level abusing your siblings. Power and control is a huge part of abusing someone. Financial support allows your parents to have power and control over you.

Your parents will be very angry if it is reported. You will be breaking the necessary code of silence that allows abuse to continue.

I don't really have any other options than to continue to accept their financial help. I can't seem to get a "real" job. No where has called me back. I'm still trying. I don't have a credit score because nothing is under my name. What I want to do is get a job so I get some work experience/some amount of steady income. Then apply for a credit card and only charge like $10 a month on it so I'll be making some sort of credit score.
But I can't go independent now. I'd be homeless.

I like the idea of breaking the silence. I'm just very scared and don't want to do it. I don't think anything would come out of it besides getting them angry and blaming me. They don't know I talked about abuse but they'd assume it was me. Everything is always my fault in their eyes. Plus obviously it would be the "crazy one" who did it even though they are the crazy ones.

Am I a horrible pesto for not wanting to report this?

This strikes me as a little judgmental. Growlithing is quite young and it's hard to make it through college without financial support from parents and it's not easy to get a decent job with college let alone without. It can be true that accept financial support gives her parents some power but it's also true that paying for her education is the least they can do for her.

It is good and well to get all high minded and suggest that it's preferable to be homeless than to rely on abusive parents for financial support. But you know what? Being homeless is really horrible. Being homeless with mental health issues that much more so.

Actually, she would not be homeless. There are many options available to young people. I am a product of the foster care system and aged-out at 18 years old... onto the streets. I got 2 ****** jobs and lived in a teen program for young people until I was able to get out on my own. The programs offer job training, college courses, etc. They help you.

Also, you can sign up for a credit card in college. In fact, they were all over the junior college I attended wanting young people to get them. There are free services when you are poor, including food stamps, Obama phone, etc and your T could help. Your college might even help.

There is more financial aid if you are ALONE without parents, including things like PELL grants, as well as federal loans. Your parent's income is taken into account for loans, etc.... if you have no parents, you have zero income.

Using the fact that you need money and will be homeless is an excuse. I have said this before and others as well. You can work multiple ****** jobs and make enough. You can work on college campus. You can stop buying things.

And for the sake of your siblings, I hope your story is true because being in foster care is NOT safer than being in an abusive house. Don't fool yourself. Instead of one abuser, you usually wind up in the hands of multiple abusers as you are passed around from foster home to foster home to group home to group home. And older kids have no chance of being wanted. Foster care is not a savior folks. The system is terribly screwed up and may protect children from their bio-parents, but look at the requirements to be a foster parent.... barely any... and they get a paycheck for you. Google foster care abuse and you will be shocked at what goes on.

As for what will happen, it moves slowly unless the abuse is substantiated. Kids are not always removed from the home while the case is being investigated. Depending on the state, there are stages to the investigation and it can take awhile unless their is evidence. If there is evidence, the kids can be removed on the spot and the foster joy starts.

You are old enough to take responsibility for your life and cut the abuse off. You are choosing not too. Will it be easy? No. But is being abused worth it?

Emptyspace, sorry for what you went through, im glad you got through it. I have heard many negative stories from foster homes, so I know its factual based on information on the internet. I think I read that growlything already told her t, so its now the therapists responsability by law to report it, if there are minors in the house.

Yeah, I was wondering about that- don't know much about the US legal system. Here they'd have to report (pretty strict punishments (even jail time) for those who won't). The possibility of the other child(ren) to be abused is just too high- in most cases the parent won't settle for only one child esp once the child goes away/grows up... (sorry, not sure how to phrase it better)
In fact, I think the parents kind of have to expect it by now (maybe even subconsciously want to get caught/punish? IDK) I mean they ARE paying for all the (quite extensive) therapy Growli's getting so they should expect she'd be talking about this with her Ts...