[melania]

I felt guilty about posting off-topic replies in another thread, so I chose to made new topic about boundaries and post here my replies.

This is the situation in my country- after therapy is legal to have any kind of relationships.
As I said it before:
I've been talking about it with my psychiatrist (who's not my therapist) and he said that after therapy everything is possible if my therapist would like it too. And then he started to tell me about his (i mean- psychiatrist) love affairs with his ex-clients.
Some time ago I was seeing psychologist (I know her, we were working in one place some time ago) and she told me- it depends on your therapist feelings, after therapy can happen anything if only you both want it to happen.
I asked my other colleague who is psychologist- did you ever meet your clients out of therapy? She said that yes.
My friend and her psychologist became good friends after therapy. They have great relationships.

It seems that my therapist has different opinion and his opinion is similar (or the same) as yours. So he is very ethical.
Before I was posting here I was sure that he is the only one who thinks like that and that he made his own boundaries. I thought that he is fanatic. He also said that boundaries depends on way of therapy. I'm in psychodynamic therapy but when I started therapy I didn't know what kind of therapy it is, I didn't even know that there are many ways of therapy. I discover it after year being in therapy

So I have a questions:

1) Is this a true that boundaries depends on way of therapy?

2) How can I touch my therapist? Some people here says that they never touch t, some says they hugs t every session. I am really confused. My therapist said that he crossed boundaries when he hugged me and he never hug me again and never hug any client. It depends on therapist own opinion?

3) Can therapist tell me his feelings for me if it's so important to me? I'm sure he did right by telling me. But he didn't tell me everything I asked. I think it would be better if my therapist talked to me openly if I ask him something. If he doesn't tell me anything about his feelings for me I'm not free, I feel like I belong to him and I don't even want to belong anyone else.

By the way- I love my therapist, he is the best for me, his words that he miss me was so healing for me, his hugs was the best I ever had felt, I will never forget that he crossed his boundaries by hugging me just to show me he cares about me, I will always be thankfull that he was so good to me.

It hurts that there are boundaries. It hurts that we can't talk openly like friends do. It unnormally hurts that I can never touch him again. It hurts that it's just a cold therapy.

[HazelGirl]

1. Yes
2. They do depend on what the T is comfortable with. And they often vary from client to client based on what the client needs (not wants). He sees how much you want to physically be close to him and that's probably why he won't let you touch him. That probably won't change no matter what you say or do.
3. He can tell you his feelings if he thinks it's BEST for you. It doesn't matter what you want, it matters what is the best for you. For example, medicine tastes gross but you sometimes need it to live. Sugar tastes good, but it is bad for you. In the same way, he has to make the decision based on what is the best for you.

Boundaries do hurt, but they are necessary.

[unlockingsanity]

1. Different therapists have different boundaries - across all types of therapies.

2. Touch, in therapy, is a difficult issue, and again, every therapist has their own philosophy about it. Generally, it is not looked upon favourably, but some therapies include it (like some types of EMDR and body psychotherapy). Your therapist is trying to keep appropriate boundaries with you, which is a really healthy thing. Boundaries can change, depending on how the therapy is going. Some people need more flexible boundaries, while other need stricter ones.

3. Your therapist can tell you anything, but it depends on what he/she thinks is helpful for your recovery. Remember, the therapy is supposed to be about YOU and not about your therapist and how he/she feels. It's about how you feel and what is helpful for your recovery. If you feel like you want to hear something specific from your therapist, (like "I care about you"), then that is something you should discuss. It's important to explore why you feel you need to hear that statement and what it means for you and your treatment.

Just because you want something, doesn't make it right or helpful. Just because something FEELS good, does not make it good. An example of this, would be a girl who has an orgasm while being raped. She might experience the orgasm, but it doesn't make it a good experience for her.

I've been reading your other posts about your therapist.

It is not ethical to be in a relationship with your therapist. Your therapist has a family and even if he didn't, it is still wrong.

Many people have asked what country you are in as your examples do not seem to be in line with the rules for those of us from the US, UK, Canada, or Australia. Can you tell us where you are located or a general idea? Someone from that region might be better able to explain the rules to you.

What you are experiencing is transference. Having a sexual relationship or relationship outside the normal therapy boundaries will not help your recovery.

Perhaps you could share the reasons as to why you are in therapy?

"It hurts that there are boundaries. It hurts that we can't talk openly like friends do. It unnormally hurts that I can never touch him again. It hurts that it's just a cold therapy."

Your therapist is not meant to be your friend. It is a professional relationship. It is an unequal relationship because they are meant to be our support but we are not meant to support them emotionally. It is natural to want your therapist to be more to you because you develop an emotional bond by sharing intimate and sensitive issues, but that bond is professional - not personal.

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

Many people have asked what country you are in as your examples do not seem to be in line with the rules for those of us from the US, UK, Canada, or Australia. Can you tell us where you are located or a general idea? Someone from that region might be better able to explain the rules to you.

melania is in Lithuania - it says so right under her name next to her posts.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by melania

Before I was posting here I was sure that he is the only one who thinks like that and that he made his own boundaries.

Everyone makes their own boundaries; you and me, therapists, everyone. There are some discussions on why one way is better than another but it is what works for us as individuals; you cannot have a love affairs with your therapist if they do not want it and if both want it, it is probably going to happen no matter what others say or punishments from professional organizations, etc. There is no "law" saying these things cannot happen, just professional organizations that do not want people licensed to have relationships with their clients and, here, if you are not licensed, you often cannot practice/work in the field you have chosen.

[melania]

Thank you all for all your replies in all my posts. Now I know a little bit more about these things.

I just can't breath.

I'm in therapy just because there is no other way to be with him. I know I love him for real. His love is all I need. Nothing can heal me except his love. Without his love I'm slowly fading away from this world.

[melania]

Originally Posted by Perna

Everyone makes their own boundaries; you and me, therapists, everyone. There are some discussions on why one way is better than another but it is what works for us as individuals; you cannot have a love affairs with your therapist if they do not want it and if both want it, it is probably going to happen no matter what others say or punishments from professional organizations, etc. There is no "law" saying these things cannot happen, just professional organizations that do not want people licensed to have relationships with their clients and, here, if you are not licensed, you often cannot practice/work in the field you have chosen.

You said my thoughts.

So it means if he doesn't touch me, he doesn't want me, so it would be better if I were dead.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by melania

You said my thoughts.

So it means if he doesn't touch me, he doesn't want me, so it would be better if I were dead.

Your only purpose in life is to be with him? Why is that? It's up to you to make a purpose for yourself and find a reason to live outside of another person. You are unique and valuable as you are, and no other person can or will make you happy.

[unlockingsanity]

Can you discuss this with your therapist? Can you tell him that you are having trouble managing your emotions surrounding him only being able to be your therapist and nothing else?

[A Red Panda]

Why did you FIRST start going to therapy? You would not have known him when you first started, which means that something else brought you to him. What issue was that? It really might help us understand both of your perspectives a bit more.

He has his boundaries, for whatever reason, and those need to be respected. You are putting him into the situation of having to reject you and he is trying to not do so because it would hurt you. But he is also not willing to enter into a relationship, sexual or otherwise, with you. For whatever reason. Possibly he views it as unethical. Possible he just isn't interested in you. Possibly he might find you interesting but perhaps sexual infatuation is an issue he thinks you need to work on. I have no idea.

[melania]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Your only purpose in life is to be with him? Why is that? It's up to you to make a purpose for yourself and find a reason to live outside of another person. You are unique and valuable as you are, and no other person can or will make you happy.

I had purposes to live but without him nothing makes sence. He is part of my heart, I feel him in my heartbeats, he makes them run so fast, ha makes me alive.

When he rejected me I had a nervous breakdown and I was trying to commit a suicide by cutting myself. That was the most awful day in my life.
But although I was bleeding a lot, I texted him. I didn't call any friends or family, I texted him. I understood I have no where to go. Life is too cold without him.
Finally I got to psychiatrist but he couldn't help me. In the next day I fainted at my workingplace because of losing blood and woke up at hospital bed.
I was really angry when I saw him but at the end of a therapy he hugged me and everything was okay again.
In next session he said that he will never hug me because it's bad (but it's healing!!!) and I fell into my nervous breakdown again sitting and crying all the time in my room, texting him but he never answered and regreting that I am alive.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by melania

I had purposes to live but without him nothing makes sence. He is part of my heart, I feel him in my heartbeats, he makes them run so fast, ha makes me alive.

When he rejected me I had a nervous breakdown and I was trying to commit a suicide by cutting myself. That was the most awful day in my life.
But although I was bleeding a lot, I texted him. I didn't call any friends or family, I texted him. I understood I have no where to go. Life is too cold without him.
Finally I got to psychiatrist but he couldn't help me. In the next day I fainted at my workingplace because of losing blood and woke up at hospital bed.
I was really angry when I saw him but at the end of a therapy he hugged me and everything was okay again.
In next session he said that he will never hug me because it's bad (but it's healing!!!) and I fell into my nervous breakdown again sitting and crying all the time in my room, texting him but he never answered and regreting that I am alive.

Don't you see how bad that is for you? Do you see that your relationship with him is not healing, but hurting? Why did you go to therapy to begin with?

[melania]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Why did you FIRST start going to therapy? You would not have known him when you first started, which means that something else brought you to him. What issue was that? It really might help us understand both of your perspectives a bit more.

He has his boundaries, for whatever reason, and those need to be respected. You are putting him into the situation of having to reject you and he is trying to not do so because it would hurt you. But he is also not willing to enter into a relationship, sexual or otherwise, with you. For whatever reason. Possibly he views it as unethical. Possible he just isn't interested in you. Possibly he might find you interesting but perhaps sexual infatuation is an issue he thinks you need to work on. I have no idea.

He was my psychiatrist (in my country we talk to psychiatrists for free about 15 minutes). I was his psychiatric patient for 3-4 mounths when he told me that therapy would be more better for me. He said that he is a therapist too. He didn't press me to choose him as my therapist, he said I can go to any other therapist but I felt connected to him so I chose him for my therapist. And after one mounth in therapy I felt sexual attraction to him.
Even before therapy I was thinking of him too much. I'm afraid I had fallen in love with him even before therapy, I don't know when it happened.

Before I met him as a psychiatrist I thought that therapy is something useless and people who went there waste them money.
But I wanted to see him more then just 15 minutes for two weaks. I felt that he is the person I can talk about anything. He said that he felt that I will fall in love with him if I start therapy. But he told me this after I was confessed in my feelings.

[A Red Panda]

Then what brought you to see him as a psychiatrist. You did not start seeing a psychiatrist because you were attracted to him. You went there initially for something else.

[melania]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Then what brought you to see him as a psychiatrist. You did not start seeing a psychiatrist because you were attracted to him. You went there initially for something else.

Because I needed diazepam

[A Red Panda]

For what condition? Anxiety? Depression? Do you have a diagnosis?

I'm sorry to be asking for such specifics, but it really would help us all to understand you more.

[melania]

Okay- actually I had some problems and I hoped that medication can help me.
I don't want to talk about these problems, it's a past.
I was on drugs, my mother was an a alchoholic, my sister betrayed me, i had social problems.

[melania]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

For what condition? Anxiety? Depression? Do you have a diagnosis?

I'm sorry to be asking for such specifics, but it really would help us all to understand you more.

I had and still have anxiety. But I can live with it.

My diagnose is- borderline personality disorder.

When I had nervous breakdown (before a month) other psychiatrists said that my diagnose is depression but I have seen him just one time.

[A Red Panda]

I get not wanting to talk about them. With that (very brief and vague) description, I would take a guess what your infatuation/obsession with your T has a lot to do with your own past and how it has affected your processing skills and personality.

If your T is aware of your past, it would help him maintain healthy boundaries with you because anything else would be taking advantage of you.

ETA: You posted your second post but I didn't see it until after I clicked "post". I can see how your feelings and actions with your T can fit in with your diagnosis. I'm sure other people with Borderline would be able to understand it a lot better than I can! Thank you very much for being willing to share that.

[HazelGirl]

Ahh. This all makes more sense. You are borderline. That is why you are responding to things the way you are. And the neglect you experienced definitely plays into how you are responding now.

[aleej28]

I'm also borderline and have had a similar relationship with my ex and my son's biological father. I thought life after he left me and my son was totally over. I also cut and obsessed about it and did other very unhealthy things. I had a major transference issue. That was almost 4 years ago, but honestly after a few months of therapy and getting healthy coping skills in dealing with that relationship, I felt a lot better and eventually got over our relationship (he doesn't see my son but that's a whole different issue altogether). But I remember the Constant texting and just wishing he'd hug me or anything at all...but to people like us with BPD, that does way more hurt than help.

Switch therapists and tell them everything about your relationship with your current one and get some healthy coping skills but most of all put as much space between you and your T as possible. It's gonna hurt and it's gonna feel terrible but in the end, you will be much better off and find someone who makes you feel happy and safe and that you love and you'll be able to handle that relationship much healthier

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk

[melania]

Originally Posted by aleej28

I'm also borderline and have had a similar relationship with my ex and my son's biological father. I thought life after he left me and my son was totally over. I also cut and obsessed about it and did other very unhealthy things. I had a major transference issue. That was almost 4 years ago, but honestly after a few months of therapy and getting healthy coping skills in dealing with that relationship, I felt a lot better and eventually got over our relationship (he doesn't see my son but that's a whole different issue altogether). But I remember the Constant texting and just wishing he'd hug me or anything at all...but to people like us with BPD, that does way more hurt than help.

Switch therapists and tell them everything about your relationship with your current one and get some healthy coping skills but most of all put as much space between you and your T as possible. It's gonna hurt and it's gonna feel terrible but in the end, you will be much better off and find someone who makes you feel happy and safe and that you love and you'll be able to handle that relationship much healthier

Thank you for your replie
You mean your ex boyfriend not your ex therapist am I right?
I read about our diagnose that people get better after age 30 if they are alive (it was also written in that book)
How old are you?

[allme]

Originally Posted by melania

Thank you for your replie
You mean your ex boyfriend not your ex therapist am I right?
I read about our diagnose that people get better after age 30 if they are alive (it was also written in that book)
How old are you?

I also have BPD and like I already told you, I was the same way with ex t.

Sending you hugs

[aleej28]

Melania,

I turn 22 on friday! I had my son very young at 17...obviously I love him to death and I'm so thankful to have such a wonderful child but I know I only had him because of my BPD which was undiagnosed and untreated back then...nonetheless I'm grateful but had I not sought out treatment and help, I'm sure my obsession would have caused me a lot more problems with my ex boyfriend than needed.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk

[Topiarysurvivor]

Melania, you are growing wiser- it shows in your asking of this question and the way you are listening to what people are trying to say.