[9874]

I have this desire, this need, for unconditional acceptance by my therapist. Let me explain:
I very much want for my therapist to BELIEVE that I hurt my kids, when in reality I don't. (anger and rage yes, but actually hurting them, no). So I would tell her that I'm hurting the kids and would like for her to be accepting of the bad in me. If I tell her I hurt my kids and she says, "You gotta stop that!" I feel I've been rejected. I am only acceptable when I do 'good', when I 'behave'.
AND I WANT THE BAD IN ME TO BE ACCEPTED! I WANT UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE!

Now, before I see those fingers begin to wag.....
Intellectually, I understand the therapist's role as a mandated reporter. I understand her role as a protector of the children. Intellectually.
But that doesn't take away the emotional need that I have. For unconditional acceptance. For accepting the bad in me.

It is nearly impossible, if not totally impossible, to ever obtain that kind of acceptance from a therapist. From a friend, yes, but not from a therapist. The nature of a therapist's role precludes her accepting a mother's statement of hurting her children.
So I have this desire, this need, this yearning, that when I say I am hurting my kids, this badness in me should be accepted. Not try to get rid of it. Yet the therapist's role precludes that kind of acceptance. How do I reconcile the two?
And when I get this acceptance, I myself, on my own, am able to use my mind and avoid hurting them. I don't need anyone standing over me with a stick, telling me "You can't hurt your kids!" I can make sure not to hurt them, but I need to know that the urge to hurt them, or even if I would actually hurt them, that that badness in me would be acceptable.
Funny thing is, that I do not accept the idea of hurting my kids. So why am I asking of my therapist to accept this in me? Hmm....
And remember what I stated at the start of this post, I want my therapist to BELIEVE I am hurting the kids, even though I am not actually hurting them.

Please bear with me as I try to make sense of this.... Y'see, I try to apply psychodynamic thinking to my struggles, as opposed to cognitive-behavioral interventions.
If you have some insight to share, I would love to hear...
If you wanna tell me that I dare not hurt my kids, or that therapist HAS to do what she does, better save that for the person who has an interest in hearing that kind of talk.
Your understanding is much appreciated!

[JonB]

I think my confusion is more based on, and maybe I'm reading this wrong, that you are NOT actually hurting your kids. You're just telling her you are and wanting her to react to that in a certain way. Why bother with the lies? I don't see a lot of good coming from that. You might get acceptance from your T, though, if you tell her you're lying to test her acceptance of you. I'm just not sure that trying to manipulate your T into accepting you unconditionaly is really going to get you what you want.

I would also be concerned at the possible ramifications of making the claims of actually hurting because that could cause you some legal headaches - are you willing to go through those just to get acceptance?

I think the most important part of your post was when you said you don't accept the idea of hurting your kids so why are you asking him to? That could be a very interesting question to explore and you might get your answer without the possible legal troubles.

I think there are certainly many therapists out there who practice "unconditional positive regard" but not all of them will. Certainly not a religiously affiliated counselor.

Good luck to you with this. I hope your efforts don't cause you any trouble you're not looking for.

I'm wondering if this is about... Your thinking that you have these bad thoughts / feelings / desires / urges / behaviours or whatever inside of you and you are concerned that if your t found out about them then your t would reject you? I'm wondering if instead of thinking about what those thoughts / feelings / desires / urges / behaviours or whatever the notion of hurting your kids has become a symbol for something that you believe is unacceptable within you. Or maybe it is that sometimes you think about hurting your kids or sometimes you have an urge to hurt your kids and you are worried that if she knew about that then she would reject you?

Maybe while part of you wants unconditional acceptance another part of you fears rejection and thus wants to test her, to see whether you can push her away or whether she will stick with you and care about you despite this.

Does that latter bit make sense?

Maybe your example of hurting your kids is supposed to be the ultimate test of her regard for you because of how the notion is repugnant even to you.

I guess you are trying to push her away good...
I guess that means you really care about her...
And to really care about someone is scary
Especially when we are afraid they might reject us if they knew more about our thoughts / feelings / desires / behaviour.

If this is right... Then could you talk to her about that instead?

> I think there are certainly many therapists out there who practice "unconditional positive regard" but not all of them will. Certainly not a religiously affiliated counselor.

Well...

I think there is something in the new testiment about not being a judger of man as only god should be a judger of man.

on judgement day...

we are supposed to get to judge the angels, though.

i'll start:

lucifer...

bad!

;-)

MMm, not sure I quite understand what it is you are wanting..but I know when I first entered therapy 2 yrs ago one of the first things I said was that I wanted to shoot my kids and their friends....my therapist said that that was just a fantasy...I dont know now how I felt so free to even tell her what I was thinking...other then the pain off holding such thoughts in my head was becoming unbearable...and I so wanted to love my kids and just be a loving mother...unyet my head would spoil it all the time.....now I know my fantasys are ok...sometimes I have nice ones...sometimes not so nice...but at least I know I'm not going to carry out my thoughts.....my T didn't seem fazed at all by my telling her my thoughts....its as if she already knows this stuff and I just needed to trust in her enought to handle my fears...which she did...