[Chummy]

Three sessions ago my T told me she's pregnant and she'll go on leave at the end of March. She told me at the end of that session. Since then I'm doing less well than I was. Since Oktober/November there was finally some improvement after feeling severly depressed since the end of 2013. I didn't asked for help until the end of 2014 and in January 2015 I started therapy again with my last T. She has been the only T I've trusted aand who had been able to help me with my social anxiety. I didn't had good experiences with T's and therapy before her.

There are 8 weeks until she leaves. That are 8 sessions (if she doesn't have a week off like last year). I've have the choice between getting a T at the agency she works or to look for a T somewhere else. She adviced me to go to a T at her place because then she can give the T some information about what we've done and what not and such. And she can also choose a T for me she thinks could be a good fit for me.
I've to make the choice and if I want to stay there, then we could do the last 2 sessions with the new T; so me, current T and new T.

-> So my T tries to help me through this. She know how hard it is for me. I've all kind of feelings about this: sadness, anxiety, anger, disappoinment, jealousy. It feels like she's abandoning me. But she isn't. Not really. She'll come back and she's helping me with finding a new T. But still.
I think anxiety is what is most there. But there's also anger. And that can be bad for me. I sometimes do bad things when I'm angry at a person. But that is mostly bad for me. Like I feel I should just quit therapy. Send T an email that I quit.

Last session I was already a bit angry before I arrived there. First we talked about what to do with therapy when she goes on leave. And then when we moved on to a next topic, I became quiet. And a bit sad. But I felt anger. Thought went through my mind but I couldn't speak them out loud. I was quiet until the end of the session. I don't think that was long, maybe 10 minutes.
My T said ''it's almost time''. Me: fine. T: do you want to stop? Me: fine. T: shall we make a appointment for next week? Me: fine.
And then we got up. I didn't looked at my T. The whole session I might look at my T two times. I just couldn't look at her. At my leaving she said I could always email her if I wanted to tell something that I couldn't say today. I just shrugged. I don't even know if I said goodbye.
But that last things she said with such a kind voice. And that made me feel so guilty about my behaviour. She has mostly been a good T to me and then I act like this. But I'm also mad, because why should it affect her. She's a T. And from what I've seen, she can keep things seperated, she doesn't get emotional during sessions, she really...a T.
And she has a good life. I can see she's a happy person, comfortable with herself, has a positive outlook on life.

I'm trying to write the email. It's hard. I've copied pieces from my diary. I don't know how to start and end the email.
I'm not sure if I'll send it. I know it's best for me to send it to her and to talk about this in therapy. But I also have the urge to cut her out of my life. Not talking to her, acting distant to her, quit therapy. Last session I walked toward the waiting room and I thought about going back home. She's lelaving me while I still need her, so f*kc it. I now she will come back, but the leave is at least 4 months and I don't want a new T.

I'm such a spoiled greedy selfish mean *****.

[stopdog]

Actually I think you get to be mad or whatever else younare feeling. Mit does not make you bad or selfish. You also, in my opinion, get to tell the therapist so. It does not matter if the therapist has a really great reason for going away.

[Chummy]

It's hard for me to express anger towards people who are kind to me, whether it's justified or not.

The email is finished. I'm in doubt about sending it. It's not a bad mail, I don't call her names or anything. I've just written down my feelings. Though I've mentioned that all the T's are the same, I'm a idiot for trusting T's, clients are only work for them nothing more.

I can imgaine how she would probably react, in a kind understanding way. Which feels good, but it's also annoying sometimes. She react like a T, therapeutic correct. I know T's should act like T's, but sometimes I want a little bit more them, a little less T and a little more human.
But there's also a change she won't react good. You never know.

And maybe, after she comes back from leave, she will tell me that it's better for me to stay with that new therapist.

Why am I even worrying about ruin things. I've nothing to lose anymore.

I was in a similar situation at the end of 2014.

I ended up going with the therapist she picked for me because she truly was a better fit. Remember, you don't have to stay with the interim therapist.

I can relate to wanting T to react in a human way and fearing it will be negative, as well as mistrusting their reaction due to "it must come from a therapisty place".

What helped me with current T was her saying "I'm going to invite myself into the room to respond genuinely."

I hope you can express that anger to your T.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I have read that its very healthy to express anger with your therapist and it opens a door in your therapy. It is happening for a reason so you should express it (in a healthy way) and maybe your T can help you find out why its happening.

[Chummy]

I received an email back. She thinks is good of me to write those feelings in the mail, that it can't be easy for me. She wants to get back to this at the next session. And she appreciates my honesty.

Is this positive? ''I appreciate your honesty.'' Four days until next session.

Good for you, Chummy! I think it's positive. I hope you have a productive session when you next see your T.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

My experience has been that T's do think it is positive when clients are honest with them. Maybe they feel that it is good that the client has reached a point where they can be honest, especially if it is about the T. My current T has repeatedly said that she appreciates the "feedback" I give her about how what she says and does impacts me.

At the same time, her openness about listening to what I have to say that sounds like a criticism has helped me understand something else that she has emphasized more than once. That angry feelings, even directed at her, or any feelings really, are just like thoughts (especially of the sort that I don't often want to acknowledge) in that they are "just" feelings or "just" thoughts, they come in and go out of the mind. They are not to be given any real significance and it is when we act on those thoughts or in service of those feelings that we may run into some difficulty. I try not to "should" all over myself for having unappealing feelings and thoughts, and aim to acknowledge them but not give them too much weight. No one is a bad person because they have "bad" feelings or thoughts, and it's perfectly okay to share them with the T (assuming that it's helpful for you to do so).