[IndestructibleGirl]

I'm just so sad right now

I had a pdoc appointment last night. He was very nice. But there isn't anything he can do for me really - he said I'm not clinically depressed (I was pretty sure of this anyway) but I have traits of BPD and my lifestyle needs to change, I need to be under less financial stress and find more fulfilling things to be happier, and develop supportive relationships, closer friends and a partner. He frankly said that I could try anti-depressants but with my life how it is they probably won't really make much difference. He isn't willing for me to try them anyway at the moment because I can't commit to not taking anything (diazepam, modafinil, alcohol) for a month or so to get a clearer picture of my mood state. I understand and respect this, but I know realistically I can't cope with my life without these crutches. I take a modafinil on average once a week to help me at work when I'm exhausted and preoccupied and need to sharpen up and focus, I'm terrified of losing my job from not being able to concentrate. I take a valium once a week as well, when my misery and panic get unbearable and it stops fantasizing about suicide in its tracks when gives me great peace. I don't want to kill myself, but sometimes the pain is so unbearable and there's no signs of my life becoming easier, and I can't stop my mind clinging to it as my one option of making it stop.

The alcohol - I drink when I see friends, and it allows me to switch off. At the moment I'm exceptionally poor, so it's about every fortnight I have a night out with them. Their way of supporting me is to buy some drinks for me. Usually, this is fun and great and I'm not worried, but about every three months I have a night where I get far too drunk, so that's why the pdoc objects to my drinking. Totally fair enough, but I'm already so isolated and lonely I really enjoy the light hearted partying I get to do with those friends. It gives me a chance to be the person I used to be - sociable, witty, lively, fun.

I don't know how I can change my life with no money. I used to be able to ride my horses and go to the cinema and the theatre, buy books when I wanted, loads of stuff. These days I am under strain to pay rent and eat and travel to work, most days are spent sitting in bed online because I can't afford to buy a tv. I'm desperately hoping that my situation will change and I'll get full time work soon but I feel so helpless at the moment. As for relationships, I could have laughed. I have nothing to offer anyone the way I am now. I have no money to join any clubs and possibly meet new friends. I try hard to nurture the wonderful ones I do have, but they are busy and some are far away. I am, however, very grateful that some people do care about me. I guess because I don't often get to see them I just am so cripplingly lonely.

I know there are no magic pills but I guess I just wish there had been something. Idk.

I hate this. I'm at a loss. I can't find any area of comfort in my head to 'put' my thoughts, so I'm on valium tonight. It makes the panicky sadness into a lesser aching kind.

Sorry for the moan

I hope everyone else is having a better day.

[HazelGirl]

You need to see a therapist, it sounds like. Even if it costs a lot, it would be a worthwhile investment. That may mean cutting back on other expenses (like not going out and drinking with friends...maybe ask them to come over for a movie night instead?), and working overtime to make it happen. Or finding a second job. Or any number of other things. But this sounds absolutely essential.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Hazel - I do see a T. We do intensive therapy, on average about six hours a week with plenty of contact in between. She is wonderful and a godsend. It was partly her suggestion I try to get some meds because she was concerned at how low I sink at times.

Also, I can't "cut back" on any other area of my life! I thought I made it clear that when I go out my close friends pay for my drinks (they know I will pay them back one day, we are long standing friends). I spend about £10 on meeting for coffee per week. Overtime's not an option, I'm looking for a full time position at the moment, as well as for stuff I can fit round my current job, I am working my *** off to get my **** together.

[Bill3]

(((((IndestructibleGirl)))))

[Leah123]

I feel so sorry at your struggle I'm trying to think of anything to ease your issues a bit, goodness. Have you considered finding one new friend on a free site like Craigslist? When I was struggling I did that, and met a couple good women there to get out and go on walks. The walks were great in a number of ways: fresh air, exercise, socialization, letting me listen to someone else's troubles instead of my own for a while, plus having someone to share mine with too, reciprocally, which is a nice shift from therapy where it's all about me. Sometimes, the intensive therapy you're in can actually exacerbate the sense of not coping, I know for me it has. I don't suggest it's negative to have that much therapy, but to be aware that the intensive work is draining and can cause some extra pessimism.

[Freewilled]

Why did the pdoc say you're not clinically depressed? You sound pretty depressed to me - especially with the suicidal thoughts. I'm sorry

[UnderRugSwept]

I also think you sound depressed (coming from someone who is depressed)...can you see another pdoc? Maybe one your psychologist could recommend? hugs to you

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thank you for replying, people.

Leah, that's a good suggestion re meeting someone new in a free way. I live in London and Craigslist here is mostly guys trying to get laid but there's another site called meetup where I'm going to have a look for some free social activities perhaps like book clubs and things.

Freewilled & Elsewhere - I think the pdoc feels I'm not depressed because I do get a lot of pleasure out of many things. I love my job and really want to make a successful career in my field. I have loads of interests that I am passionate about. I enjoy being with friends. I just am very low on vital resources which means I don't really get to indulge my interests or in socializing much. I see so much beauty and goodness in the world, it makes me really happy to know it's there even if it does make me sad that I can't seem to connect with it, if that makes sense. So all these things I take to mean I'm not really depressed as such? Though when I have days where it is a horrendous struggle to do ANYTHING then yes, I do wonder is this just a version of depression? Two days this week I haven't left the house, just slept the time away because I cannot tolerate being awake and aware of what my circumstances are. Reading that back, it doesn't sound good does it I'm struggling with self care, not eating properly and as I have type 1 diabetes this is a big deal. But I just can't make myself. Earlier today I forced down a piece of bread so the painkillers I took (nearly vomiting from intense physical pain today as well, ha I really had a great day ) weren't going down on an empty stomach. I did eat a sandwich around midnight though.

I am so at a loss.

Elsewhere, my therapist did recommend this guy, because he is an old and trusted friend and because he takes very low-fee people like me and because the NHS (free healthcare here in the UK) deemed me fine and healthy at an assessment and so would not refer me to anyone before Christmas. This pdoc really wasn't at fault, and I'm glad he was honest about the whole meds not working when my life is **** thing.

Not sure where to go from here. I suppose the only way is up.