Sent an email to Pdoc, now I regret it...

I sent an email to Pdoc outlining how bad my depression had gotten. I'd only seen him in session a few days ago, and we went over it a little bit then, but I was really disconnected because of the heat we've been having here and I didn't feel like I really got across how bad things actually are at the moment. So I decided to email him notes for our next session early, to give him time to read them, and I admitted that not only was the depression more than a little bad, I'd been feeling more and more suicidal and had actually had a spontaneous plan/urge come over me in a disassociative state that I almost ended up carrying out.

Now I feel like I've just bothered him for no reason. He's already copping enough grief over having me as a longer term patient than what the stupid Government overseers of the clinic think, and reading back through the email I just feel like I'm whining about a whole lot of nothing and adding to his already busy workload and stress. I know it's part of his job, and he needs to know this sort of info, I just feel bad for bothering him. My depression is making me feel like a huge burden to everyone right now, this is just feeding into that.

I think you've hit the nail right on the head here, if you'll excuse the cliché. Your depression is making you feel like a huge burden. That isn't actually a reflection of reality. Your pdoc does need this information, and if he felt like you were "bothering him for no reason," it would be his responsibility to tell you, and not your responsibility to worry about it. So I would suggest you cut yourself some slack and try to be kind to yourself. You are feeling really awful right now and you're doing what you think is best for you. If he has a problem with it, he'll tell you. But until then, there's no need to worry.

Thanks, I think you're right it is my depression clouding my judgement. My Pdoc has always said to email him notes inbetween sessions and to contact him straight away if things ever get really bad. So I know I'm just doing what he's asked of me, but the depression is still making me feel like I'm being a bad patient, and I'm just a pain, and I'm bothering him when he has enough stress to deal with as it is, and blah blah blah *insert more silly depressive thoughts here*

So there you go. Do you think he'll feel like you're being a bad patient if you're doing the stuff he asks of you, or is it more likely he'll feel like you're being a bad patient if you DON'T do the stuff he asks of you, i.e. emailing him notes between sessions and contacting him when things get really bad?

I know he'd probably say 'Why didn't you tell me things were that bad' when I saw him next session, or 'You know I've told you to ring me when things get to that stage'.

maybe you should ring him and talk about the email if you know that would be a likely response I'm glad you shared with him

I think it is a positive thing that you opened up about your symptoms by emailing your T. I have emailed my T several times and afterward I wish there was an unsend button but in the end it helps me to hear from her when I am having a hard time. Your T needs to know what you are going through in order to provide you with the best possible treatment.

I might wait and see if he rings me after reading the email. I have a lot of trouble with phoning people, especially to ask for help, because of anxiety. He has done wellness checks on me before, even before I had email access to him outside of session if he thought I looked like I wasn't doing too well either he or one of the other Doctors/Social workers would call me during the day and check that I was safe. I know he's told me to ring when I get to a really bad stage, but so far I've not been able to bring myself to do it, ergo I'd rather wait for his response first.

Thanks, I know and that's what I'm trying to tell myself - he can't treat what he doesn't know is wrong.