A thought about hostile termination

When you are thinking about divorce, there are professionals you can go to for advice. But when you are thinking about ditching your T, you have no one to talk to except T herself. After all, if T can't help you, who can? And if you can't trust T enough to work on it, isn't the relationship already dead?

That's how I saw it then. Now I that it is nonsense.

Next time, I would say to Madame T: "Our relationship is in serious trouble and I need advice on that. And it wouldn't be fair on me to be advised only by the very person I'm clashing with. I'm going to seek advice from someone else. Maybe we could see a mediator together. But if we do, we go as equals and you pay half."

I think divorce is an excellent analogy for therapeutic rupture and a disgruntled patient has the same rights and needs as a disgruntled spouse.

But do you see that a marriage is (hopefully) made up of two equal partners and a therapy relationship is not based on that same kind of equality?

I did bring in outsiders to consult on my therapeutic relationship three or four times. I found it very helpful to have that objectivity and have some space to gain clarity, so I absolutely see what you mean. I'm not sure a therapist would be willing to see a mediator in general, but actually, I do recall one case of it mentioned here on PC, so maybe that stratagem could make a difference if a future serious rupture occurs with your current therapist. Plus, it sounds like you've gained lots of insight overall anyway that must help some in your current therapy.

Personally, I believe the relationship is not identical on both sides but is equal. Money and effort exchanged for skill and effort. I know it's more complex in therapy than perhaps when buying tires, haha, but I really don't see the relationships as unequal, and I do think there are therapists who become as committed to the client as the client is to the therapist, though certainly not always, so CantExplain's revelation does make sense to me.

They used to say that about marriage, that it was not an equal partnership.

But even if the patient is the junior partner, all the more reason why he should have independent advice when in conflict with the senior partner.

I consult with other therapists all the time. I believe I am equal to the therapist an certainly don't think I am a junior partner in any way to a therapist, but the roles are different. I don't think therapists particularly care about making it work with any specific client. It seems much more important to clients than to therapists.

Mediation would likely never happen. I cant imagine a T agreeing. As a client you can go in and gripe on T however you want. Does T get that same right? About a client pushing boundaries, making them frustrated, being obsessed, etc. most clients would be more hurt than helped. But in mediation does a t get to share their feelings too? No. I think seeking outside advice is helpful but a T wouldnt do mediation. Theyre a service provider. Its a relationship but nothing CLOSE to marriage. They arent a spouse. They arent family. They see you 1-2x a week. If you cant repair together, you find another.

Well put. The relationship is asymmetrical...the client does the work and the T is one who helps the client to do the work! I would add that sometimes, as we all know, the T gets either consultation from another T or else sees his or her own T for therapy. That relationship is asymmetrical, too! In that case the T is the client of another T.
For the T/client relationship to work it has to be asymmetrical, or else he or she would be similar to a friend or family member. And I agree with the phrase "service provider"...one of my Ts said I hire him to provide a service, and it's exactly that. It doesn't mean he doesn't care; he does. But it's not his job to be equal to me, nor do I want him to be. My therapy would not work if he was.

I don't get not being equal to a therapist. Certainly the roles are different, but why would one not be equal to a therapist? The therapist is not better or smarter or more adjusted than I am. I don't imagine she lives a charmed life. She does not know more about me than I do. In what way would I not be at least her equal?

Here in the States you can get a "therapeutic consultation". I had one with one of my first T's. The consulting T thought he and I were a bad fit for each other. Things ended with T soon after that, but I ended up with my longtime main T, so no regrets.

I WAS pissed that this early T could not "own" or take responsibility for his side of things. He would get defensive and say "my other clients think I'm warm and caring." To that I said, "Well then goodie for your other clients!!!"

Its not about intellect or better. Its not equal. You can break confidentiality, T cant. The T, in most therapy relationships but I see not in yours, the T has vulnerable info on clients but not the client about the therapist. Thats not equal, as would be in a friendship. Most people who go are vulnerable and can therefore be hurt if the T gets pissy. The info given to the therapist puts them in a position to emotionally harm the client but not vice-versa. Its never about smart - its about "power to do harm" to a statistically vulnerable population. You use your T differently than most, your not emotionally attached so they cant harm you as deeply.

In the past 2 years I consulted with two other T's in regard to my regular T, probably about five times. It was very helpful to get a different perspective, and also to be reassured that therapy was "working." My T knew about it & was OK with it, although I didn't need his permission to do it.

If the situation came up, I wouldn't hesitate to ask T if he would meet with me & another T for a mediation-type thing. But so far we've been able to work things out ourselves. I just need another perspective sometimes, and some reassurance.

I guess I see what you describe as different roles, but not inequality.

Regarding the idea of inequality, I know I personally meant that the relationship is not an equal partnership situation, not that a T is "better" than any client.

I agree. I don't feel inferior to T as a human being ... at all. If someone compared us in different categories (education, personal wealth, physical attractiveness, fashion style, ability to speak in front of people, sense of humor, etc etc etc), he would come out better in some, and I would come out better in others.

But in the therapeutic situation, I am the one asking for help - and paying for it. He is the one that is providing that help, utilizing his education, training and skills in psychology. I don't really consider that that makes him "superior" to me, but it does create a r/s where he has more "power", if you want to look at it that way. But it doesn't make him better than me.

And I find his taste in music to be atrocious ....

I think the client has the ultimate power to leave at any point with no explanation. Also the client has the power over what they choose to do. All the therapist does is sit there.

But a T can leave at anytime with little to no explanation as well. They just have to provide you with a phone number to someone else or whatever. My ex-T even failed to do that....