[Gabbage]

Please can I have some perspectives on this

To summarise I’ve been in weekly psychodynamic therapy for 5 months. Up until this point I’d never considered it needed and never accessed any support before.

I entered therapy after being diagnosed with a life changing health condition. The bottom line was while I was still able to go through the motions and function at work etc I was in a really bad way and not coping. A normally calm and rational person I was feeling out of control and desperately trying to understand and regulate my emotions. I’ve never felt such intense fear in my life or so lost. I told the therapist this and said I was looking for emotional support.

5 months later I don’t really think he has given me this. He is very ethical and professional but somewhat unresponsive. Robotic mostly. After much personal reading I actually think I was experiencing PTSD. I’m calmer in myself now (time is a great healer) but cant help feel angry that he didn’t step in and try to explain why I may have been feeling that way or give some reassurance that my intense grief would not last forever. Instead he has seemed to focus on the therapist relationship and my ‘attachment issues’ He has made a couple of sweeping statements such as ‘ I need to make him a significant figure in my life’ and that I ‘don’t know it yet but unconsciously “I worry that he will abandon me’ This gets my back up and I feel like we are working towards two different things. I do have a dismissive attachment style and exploring this has helped me understand my reaction to my diagnosis better and it is something I want to work on yet there is a much bigger issue going on for me!

I’ve told him all this. He says I’m dismissive and I’m projecting onto him. I say I’m being honest. I’m not sure if his non responsive style is facilitating the right environment for me to open up ( I need to drop my guard apparently). When I’ve said I don’t think we are compatible he says it’s the work and this is what we need to focus on. I’ve no doubt I’m bringing a load of baggage into the room but my focus is on me and not the therapist!

Do I quit this therapist or stick it out?

[HazelGirl]

He has some good insights, but goes about speaking of them wrongly, and not actually listening to your responses to his guesses. I say drop him, since he isn't helping you work towards the goal you want in therapy. But get a new T, because it does sound like there are some issues going on that could be dealt with in the care of a GOOD therapist.

[CantExplain]

Support is so important to me that I terminated a ten-year T relationship over this very problem.

[Gabbage]

The idea of starting all over again puts me off. I think I'm going to have one more try at getting this across to him and if this fails will stop and take a break.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Gabbage

The idea of starting all over again puts me off. I think I'm going to have one more try at getting this across to him and if this fails will stop and take a break.

Don't take a break. If he doesn't change when you bring it up, a break won't help. But getting a new T would.

[Lauliza]

You need a new therapist. There is no reason to stick it out if you're not getting what you need. That would be a waste of time.

[tametc]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

You need a new therapist. There is no reason to stick it out if you're not getting what you need. That would be a waste of time.

It sounds like this T is not going to change. A friend of mine shared a metaphor with me that I think of whenever I am expecting something different from a rigid person. She said it's like sitting under an apple tree waiting for an orange to fall.

[missbella]

It sounds like you sought therapy for one thing, dealing with your health condition, and you're met with this guy who not only failed to help, but castigated your total personhood when you're already feeling vulnerable. I gather you didn't go to therapy to have your entire personality sternly reproached.

I personally didn't find it helpful when a therapist pre-empted me with his own absolutist interpretations and narrative, nor do I think therapy to grants a doctor immunity from human discourtesy. I've seen therapists with extremely fragile egos. My therapist felt extraordinarily threatened when I took things in hand and did my own research. Unfortunately threatened therapists sometimes use their authority, interpretation and pathologizing as demeaning weapons when they're angry.

In my opinion every human has traits and styles. If we're doing OK we don't necessarily need to deconstruct and fix everything. I don't see therapy as a required penance for having human imperfections.

Sorry you had to suffer this on top of an illness. I'm glad time is healing and I'm glad you found some answers for yourself. I have a mild, but chronic health condition and have a whole "relationship" with it.

If this guy adds to your problems rather than solutions he's a liability. From what you depict, he's combative, tactless and perhaps has his own traits needing repair.

Wishing you comfort and serenity.

[healingme4me]

One thing, he needed to address the grief process, not attachment theory.
Life Changing illnesses, require grief counseling, when in T, not attachment theory, for crying outloud, what isn't there to get there(directed at your T)...


Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Gabbage]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

One thing, he needed to address the grief process, not attachment theory.
Life Changing illnesses, require grief counseling, when in T, not attachment theory, for crying outloud, what isn't there to get there(directed at your T)...


Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

Thanks people.

This sums it up for me. Its my grief and anxiety of the diagnosis which should have taken the focus of therapy not the relationship itself I actually feel pretty angry about it. I don't think focusing on old childhood wounds was helpful while I was struggling to deal with the present as this just increased the stress I was under.

I will go to my next appointment as I don't like to lose money and I will have one more go to get this across to him as unfortunately there is not a therapist on every corner. If he doesn't see the light it will be my last session.

[Gabbage]

Originally Posted by missbella

It sounds like you sought therapy for one thing, dealing with your health condition, and you're met with this guy who not only failed to help, but castigated your total personhood when you're already feeling vulnerable. I gather you didn't go to therapy to have your entire personality sternly reproached.

Wishing you comfort and serenity.

This is it. I was so, so vulnerable when I started therapy and didn't have any idea what to expect so I thought it was just me and 'my issues'. I'm much stronger now and can clearly see he has really missed the mark!

The sad thing is the therapy has dragged up old childhood wounds that were long forgotten and now I don't know what to do with them. I don't feel able to discuss them with this therapist and the experience has put me off seeing someone else.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Gabbage

This is it. I was so, so vulnerable when I started therapy and didn't have any idea what to expect so I thought it was just me and 'my issues'. I'm much stronger now and can clearly see he has really missed the mark!

The sad thing is the therapy has dragged up old childhood wounds that were long forgotten and now I don't know what to do with them. I don't feel able to discuss them with this therapist and the experience has put me off seeing someone else.

It does sound like you need to see someone else, though. All of those childhood things don't just go away. They can become dormant again, but as soon as you are in another situation, they will be activated again and again until you deal with them properly. It sucks, but that's how it works.

[missbella]

Originally Posted by Gabbage

I will go to my next appointment as I don't like to lose money and I will have one more go to get this across to him as unfortunately there is not a therapist on every corner. If he doesn't see the light it will be my last session.

I personally wouldn't find it fruitful having to struggle to "get through" to a therapist. I believe they're suppose to be taking their lead from your needs. I don't think a goal can be clearer than "help me cope with this illness."

I've seem therapists lash out at the client angrily when they're inadequate for the task.

I doubt anyone left me feeling worse about myself than my angry therapist. I thought him an authority, and when he denounced me for my "defects"--in front of a therapy group no less--it felt like the hand-of-G*d reached down to condemn me as a human being.

Over time I understood his arrogant behavior and saw him for what he was--someone whose only status over me was a college degree, who was inept and terribly suited to his chosen profession. He wasn't the voice of authority, or G*d, or anything else. He was an impotent little man who needed to lash out at a client who innocently told him he was ineffectual.

I'm older and I eventually dealt with childhood sorrows through realizing that everyone had them. My long bouts of therapy ruminating about them left me only self-pitying and less connected to resources that move life ahead. I'm still imperfect and have my style and traits, but so does every other human I've met on the planet.

Unless a court judge forces us, we're not mandated to be in therapy, nor do we owe a therapist any obedience unless we choose.

I'm very sorry you had to sort this out on top of an illness. Your posts come across incredibly sane and incredibly strong, and I hope this holds you in good stead.

[Gabbage]

Missbella thank you. You seem to totally get where I'm coming from in a few short posts whereas my therapist still doesn't 'get it' after several months.

I actually feel stronger then ever right now. In the last year I've coped with a terrible diagnosis (and equally poor prognosis), a family that cant cope with it and a huge restructure at work. Somehow I've picked up all the shattered pieces of myself and glued them back together and come out the other side. The therapist has hindered rather then helped me and seems frustrated that I haven't needed to depend on him to do it.

[Gabbage]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It does sound like you need to see someone else, though. All of those childhood things don't just go away. They can become dormant again, but as soon as you are in another situation, they will be activated again and again until you deal with them properly. It sucks, but that's how it works.

Thanks HazelGirl. I hear what you're saying but I can honestly say with confidence that I will never feel so low or shattered again. What has happened to me is something I fear worse then death but I've learnt to sit with it and move on. I'm content with who I am right now and while the therapy has opened some old wounds I have no wish to waste my good times on what cant be undone.

[missbella]

Originally Posted by Gabbage

I actually feel stronger then ever right now...The therapist has hindered rather then helped me and seems frustrated that I haven't needed to depend on him to do it.

Some therapists appear to have savior complexes. They NEED to keep their clients under their illusory superior wings to save the day. They can get highly petulant when a client fails to play the game with them.

I'm glad that you feel stronger than ever. It seems like a lovely paradox. My therapy, equally paradoxically, taught me to no longer believe in gurus.

Wishing you gifts and silver linings.

[Gabbage]

UPDATE

Well I met with therapist and stated my gripes. It didn't go down too well and he got quite defensive. I probably could of aired my grievances a bit better also.

I concluded that I wanted to stop and we've agreed an end date so why do I feel sad?

I do generally believe it is the right decision but I've since realised begrudgingly, that he does mean something to me. I hope I'm not running scared because of this but he hasn't been able to help me on the things I went into therapy for and this still feels unresolved.

I'm not sure whether to try again with someone else or take up Buddhism in my quest for inner peace!

[someone321]

You have written sth about PTSD... For me, psychodynamic approach didn't work well... my T was very defensive and whatever I brought up to the session about his lack of the support and empathy, he also always thought tha I was just projecting - that was pretty annoying... Actually I've read that sometimes psychoanalytic approaches might cause more damage to clients with PTSD than help... Now I have a trauma T and it is much, much better... So after this one "wrong" T, I wouldn't stop the therapy but I would look for another T, maybe one who has an experience with problems like yours...

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Gabbage

UPDATE

Well I met with therapist and stated my gripes. It didn't go down too well and he got quite defensive. I probably could of aired my grievances a bit better also.

I concluded that I wanted to stop and we've agreed an end date so why do I feel sad?

I do generally believe it is the right decision but I've since realised begrudgingly, that he does mean something to me. I hope I'm not running scared because of this but he hasn't been able to help me on the things I went into therapy for and this still feels unresolved.

I'm not sure whether to try again with someone else or take up Buddhism in my quest for inner peace!

Why are therapists so defensive? Are they insecure? Or have they forgotten to practice what they preach?

[Rzay4]

I know right. I'm currently debating whether to terminate with my newest T or not. This thread has been very insightful. So thanks. I wish you the best.