[HealingTimes]

My T has recently (last week) had a lump removed. It was a 'quick' in and out under general anaesthetic. She had it done last Thursday and she was expecting to be able to get back to work on Monday (my appt with her was on the Monday).
She had to cancel our appt, and all others for the week I presume, as she is still not well enough to work.

I feel so incredibly selfish for feeling the way that I do, but I am scared. I am scared for her, but more selfishly I am concerned for me

I have been having terrible nightmares about her dying and leaving me alone.
I keep thinking that I don't want to go back to therapy next week in case she tells me its bad news (i.e. the lump is cancerous). I know that makes me selfish, making it all about me me me...I just cant seem to stop it.

She has been texting me on a daily basis to say how she is doing (fine, healing well, feeling stronger etc...she knows I worry about this a LOT), so that is going someway to assure me. But, wow, I have never experienced this level of Anxiety about someone else's health before (except for my children), not even my own!

Not really sure what the point of this is..just curious to see if anyone else has had to deal with something like this, and the fear of your T dying on you?

[PeeJay]

My former T went into the hospital with pneumonia and almost died!

My current T is older than 70.

There's a thread on PC where a person's therapist DID die.

I think that fears of loss are always apparent, but especially death. It's so inevitable and yet the only way to get through life is to pretend that it is not inevitable.

I hope your T feels better!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

I feel so incredibly selfish for feeling the way that I do, but I am scared. I am scared for her, but more selfishly I am concerned for me

I have been having terrible nightmares about her dying and leaving me alone.
I keep thinking that I don't want to go back to therapy next week in case she tells me its bad news (i.e. the lump is cancerous). I know that makes me selfish, making it all about me me me...I just cant seem to stop it.

These are good insights.

Could this be described as an abandonment issue? That's something you might choose to work on.

[HealingTimes]

thanks PeeJay and CantExplain.

Yes, abandonment issues are rife, as ever, but this really is something else Not ever this bad normally.

[CantExplain]

Madame T had an operation and I had to face the possibility that she might die. I spent three months on that issue with her and it was the best T work I ever did.

My T is in pretty good health. He's had a few illnesses along the way, but that's just life. I tend to not get too fussed about illness because I've had to deal with such serious illnesses in my family that the usual things just don't bother me too much. Now if my T ends up with stage 3 cancer or an organ starts failing or has a massive heart attack, that would be a different story, but thankfully his bouts with illness have been pretty much in the realm of normalcy, even when hospitalization was needed briefly.

[stopdog]

The two I see are both so old that if they shuffled off this mortal coil, it would not be a giant shock.
The one I see has broken some bones since I have been seeing her.

[Leah123]

My therapist is in her mid 60s and a cancer survivor. She's in good health now, but I definitely empathize with and share your concern to an extent. I worry about her and losing her too. I don't know what to tell you except the way you feel sounds totally normal to me and I hope you do not feel ashamed for what your selfishness... nothing wrong with worrying about those we rely on not being there for us.

[HazelGirl]

Mine's in her 40's and as far as I know, in good health.

My t is in good health but she knows i worry about her a lot .

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The one I see has broken some bones since I have been seeing her.

But you've got an alibi, right?

[willowbrook]

My T is in excellent physical health, as he has devoted close to 30 years to various forms of martial arts training. He does have some old injuries from when he was a Muay Thai Kickboxer, which have meant he can't compete at that sort of level anymore, but apart from that I'd say he was healthy, both mentally and physically. Between him and my husband, they both make me want to improve my own health.

I don't know how I'd respond if he was sick though, I tend to want to look after people so I'd probably be fighting the urge to bring him cough drops and make him hot lemon and honey drinks.

[nottrustin]

T is 64. She is in fairly good health...Over the last year so has developed C Diff Colits and sever lactose intolerance...neither are life threatening however she never knows in advance when she will have a flair up and need to cancel appointment...she also has developed pretty bad arthritis over the last couple of years...

I worry about her a lot and she tells me that she is fine and I don't need to mother her...OOPS..she says it with a smile

[feralkittymom]

Yes. More than I can say. It was my T's surgery that forced his retirement. He had to have the surgery unexpectedly, and then was recovering for 6 weeks. While he was hospitalized, I was extremely anxious: afraid for both of us. I'm not sure I could separate what part was concern for myself and what part was concern for him. They were both intense. I was overwhelmed by feelings of regret for things I hadn't said, as well as thoughts of a future without him.

When he returned, he insisted that we talk through my "selfish" fears, which I was very reluctant to do. It took a while, but I came to realize that my fears and his fears were much the same, and neither of us was selfish. As CE mentioned, it was some of the most valuable work we did together. It brought our relationship to a different level, far more equalized, and it really helped in the final resolution of the transference (parental).

But it has left a permanent vulnerability in our relationship. It's not a particularly bad thing, just a realization of impermanence--a need to place security somewhere other than permanence. He is aging, and has experienced a lot of difficulties in the last 2 years; that vulnerability is again on both of our minds just now.

[someone321]

Fortunately my T looks pretty healthy She's very active (like most people here), goes to many conferences, teaches other Ts in Asia and Africa etc. However, she said that she's 63 and her husband is already retired so she might spend more time on holidays than usually. I think I'm more afraid of her retirement than illnesses, she said that my therapy should take at least 3-5 years and it's not so easy to forget that in 5 years she'll be 68 - here women do not work for so long...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by someone321

Fortunately my T looks pretty healthy She's very active (like most people here), goes to many conferences, teaches other Ts in Asia and Africa etc. However, she said that she's 63 and her husband is already retired so she might spend more time on holidays than usually. I think I'm more afraid of her retirement than illnesses, she said that my therapy should take at least 3-5 years and it's not so easy to forget that in 5 years she'll be 68 - here women do not work for so long...

Can you bring this up with her and ask? If she is planning on retiring, it might be beneficial to find a new T now rather than go through losing her once you start really going on therapy with her.

[someone321]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Can you bring this up with her and ask? If she is planning on retiring, it might be beneficial to find a new T now rather than go through losing her once you start really going on therapy with her.

Sorry for hijacking the thread - I'll keep it short...

Thank you Hazel, rationally I think that she doesn't plan to get retired soon (I haven't asked though). She asked me about my plans because she said that if I know that in a year or two I will move out the country (especially if I plan to go back to my homeland), she doesn't see the point of event starting the therapy with me... Thus, I assume that it works both ways...
And even if not - it won't change anything as withing next half a year it wouldn't be possible to get a different trauma T - it looks like there are not enough Ts here, so if someone is a T in training, maybe could consider practicing here in the future

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by someone321

Sorry for hijacking the thread - I'll keep it short...

Thank you Hazel, rationally I think that she doesn't plan to get retired soon (I haven't asked though). She asked me about my plans because she said that if I know that in a year or two I will move out the country (especially if I plan to go back to my homeland), she doesn't see the point of event starting the therapy with me... Thus, I assume that it works both ways...
And even if not - it won't change anything as withing next half a year it wouldn't be possible to get a different trauma T - it looks like there are not enough Ts here, so if someone is a T in training, maybe could consider practicing here in the future

Oh, good to know. I agree. It doesn't sound like she's planning on going anywhere any time soon. I am glad for you. I was worried you might have to restart in a year or two, and I know that would be painful for you.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Yes. More than I can say. It was my T's surgery that forced his retirement. He had to have the surgery unexpectedly, and then was recovering for 6 weeks. While he was hospitalized, I was extremely anxious: afraid for both of us. I'm not sure I could separate what part was concern for myself and what part was concern for him. They were both intense. I was overwhelmed by feelings of regret for things I hadn't said, as well as thoughts of a future without him.

When he returned, he insisted that we talk through my "selfish" fears, which I was very reluctant to do. It took a while, but I came to realize that my fears and his fears were much the same, and neither of us was selfish. As CE mentioned, it was some of the most valuable work we did together. It brought our relationship to a different level, far more equalized, and it really helped in the final resolution of the transference (parental).

But it has left a permanent vulnerability in our relationship. It's not a particularly bad thing, just a realization of impermanence--a need to place security somewhere other than permanence. He is aging, and has experienced a lot of difficulties in the last 2 years; that vulnerability is again on both of our minds just now.

Thank you, Feralkitty, that is actually really useful.
Re the bit in bold. I have always perceived my T to be a strong independent woman, and this health scare has shaken me a bit. I don't mean that she is no longer strong or independent, but like you said it leaves me with the realisation that my T is not permanent. Her health isn't either.

My T was open to talking with me about it (prior to the operation) and was very accepting of my selfishness-not that she would call it that.
I think this will leave a permanent vulnerability for us too, but hopefully it'll be one that we can both work through together.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by someone321

Fortunately my T looks pretty healthy She's very active (like most people here), goes to many conferences, teaches other Ts in Asia and Africa etc. However, she said that she's 63 and her husband is already retired so she might spend more time on holidays than usually. I think I'm more afraid of her retirement than illnesses, she said that my therapy should take at least 3-5 years and it's not so easy to forget that in 5 years she'll be 68 - here women do not work for so long...

Hi Someone
My T is in her late 50s and I have often thought about her retirement. We have discussed this at length and she has told me that she doesn't not have any plans for retirement yet. She wants to work for another 10 years I think...phew, thank God!

I agree with Hazel, talk to her about it.