[mswinter]

Have you ever written an email to your T when you were upset with him/her, whining about how he/she doesn't care about hurting you, etc?

Have you then re-read the email an hour later and found it childish/pathetic?

I'm so embarrassed. I keep reading this email I sent to my T a couple of hours ago and I find it more pathetic each time...

This is what I wrote:

"I know that you had hoped to never see me again, but why not even the smallest act of repair?

All I heard you say was, "I could have handled it more elegantly and decisively." All I needed you to say was, 'I'm sorry this has hurt you so much. I wish we could have found a way to handle this without hurting you.'

I'm so worthless to you that even the most basic principle of reparative experience shouldn't be wasted on me. Why is it of no importance to you if I get bruised and hurt? What makes it so easy to hurt me and not care."

We had our first session in months yesterday, and I left upset. But I really wish I could take the email back now. I never meant to sound so pathetic and needy.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by mswinter

Have you ever written an email to your T when you were upset with him/her, whining about how he/she doesn't care about hurting you, etc?

Have you then re-read the email an hour later and found it childish/pathetic?

I'm so embarrassed. I keep reading this email I sent to my T a couple of hours ago and I find it more pathetic each time...

This is what I wrote:

"I know that you had hoped to never see me again, but why not even the smallest act of repair?

All I heard you say was, "I could have handled it more elegantly and decisively." All I needed you to say was, "I'm sorry this has hurt you so much" - "I wish we could have found a way to handle this without hurting you."

I'm so worthless to you that even the most basic principle of reparative experience shouldn't be wasted on me. Why is it of no importance to you if I get bruised and hurt? What makes it so easy to hurt me and not care."

We had our first session in months yesterday, and I left upset. But I really wish I could take the email back now. I never meant to sound so pathetic and needy.

You know, there is nothing stopping you from emailing again and apologizing for the previous email. I've done that before. It was basically a "I don't know what I was thinking, but the previous email was totally inappropriate and I didn't express what I wanted to. Can we discuss this first in session next week?"

Therapists know we are human. Don't beat yourself up too bad about it.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by mswinter

Have you ever written an email to your T when you were upset with him/her, whining about how he/she doesn't care about hurting you, etc?

Have you then re-read the email an hour later and found it childish/pathetic?

I'm so embarrassed. I keep reading this email I sent to my T a couple of hours ago and I find it more pathetic each time...

This is what I wrote:

"I know that you had hoped to never see me again, but why not even the smallest act of repair?

All I heard you say was, "I could have handled it more elegantly and decisively." All I needed you to say was, "I'm sorry this has hurt you so much" - "I wish we could have found a way to handle this without hurting you."

I'm so worthless to you that even the most basic principle of reparative experience shouldn't be wasted on me. Why is it of no importance to you if I get bruised and hurt? What makes it so easy to hurt me and not care."

We had our first session in months yesterday, and I left upset. But I really wish I could take the email back now. I never meant to sound so pathetic and needy.

I feel that way sometimes when I call/email T too (less so with this T than with past Ts) and one way I've learned to deal with it is to sleep on an email before sending it. If it feels urgent and pressing to you, that means you're not in the right frame of mind to send it. If you write something and still want to send it 24 hours later, there's a good chance that it's important, but sending things in the heat of the moment is usually a recipe for embarrassment. But hopefully a good T can work with you and not shame you for your mistakes in sending emails in the heat of the moment.

[Freewilled]

I actually kinda wish I could express a bit more neediness....I act like I dont need my T at.all most of the time. Not too authentic on my part well obviously I don't technically "need" my specific T because intellectually I believe there are many other Ts out there and I was fine (well I was alive) before I met my T, and I will be alive when we stop meeting. But there is something to be said for speaking from the heart. It might not be all how you feel, which is why an hour later you didn't fully resonate with what you wrote, but it's part of how you feel.

I think it's nice you can be so open with your T

[tooski]

Have you ever written an email to your T when you were upset with him/her, whining about how he/she doesn't care about hurting you, etc?

I can't tell you how many times!!! I cringe even thinking of it, and worse yet, it will happen again ......
I agree with the other posters, especially unlockingsanity. If it's really bugging you, send another email. And I agree that T's are used to this type of thing. And most important of all, talk about it next session. You were expressing honest emotions and that is valid. Talk about it - that's the work of therapy. Meanwhile, try to stop bashing yourself about the head and shoulders

I don't think your email was too needy or pathetic...but I don't know your whole situation and why you feel that way of course. We all are better at beating our own selves up more than anyone else is and able to help others more than we help ourselves, or at least that is true for me. Anyways, I think you got your feelings and thoughts out in a very good, controlled..nothing over the top...way. It was emotional enough to feel for and professional and understanding as well...that is just how I see it though. You can always email your T again though and apologize for the first email if you feel necessary to do so and ask to talk about it in your next session like unlockingsanity suggested.

[mswinter]

Originally Posted by kneehole

I don't think your email was too needy or pathetic...

I think you got your feelings and thoughts out in a very good, controlled..nothing over the top...way. It was emotional enough to feel for and professional and understanding as well...that is just how I see it though.

Thank you so much... this does make me feel better.

I fear that we might not have another session after the email. He had agreed to see me after months, while stressing how busy he was and how he had more clients that he could schedule. He mentioned in the session that he had about 10 people waiting to see him... I'm afraid that sending an email complaining about the session might make him decide to drop me for good....

[mswinter]

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

You know, there is nothing stopping you from emailing again and apologizing for the previous email. I've done that before.

Thank you. I followed your advise, emailed him and apologized.

I feel a little better about it now.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by mswinter

Have you ever written an email to your T when you were upset with him/her, whining about how he/she doesn't care about hurting you, etc?

Have you then re-read the email an hour later and found it childish/pathetic?

I'm so embarrassed. I keep reading this email I sent to my T a couple of hours ago and I find it more pathetic each time...

This is what I wrote:

"I know that you had hoped to never see me again, but why not even the smallest act of repair?

All I heard you say was, "I could have handled it more elegantly and decisively." All I needed you to say was, 'I'm sorry this has hurt you so much. I wish we could have found a way to handle this without hurting you.'

I'm so worthless to you that even the most basic principle of reparative experience shouldn't be wasted on me. Why is it of no importance to you if I get bruised and hurt? What makes it so easy to hurt me and not care."

We had our first session in months yesterday, and I left upset. But I really wish I could take the email back now. I never meant to sound so pathetic and needy.

What you wrote is therapeutic gold! Do not regret it too much! This type of very honest, emotional, pained communication is uncomfortable, and no it's not perfectly reasonable and mature, but *this* is the stuff you need to work through in therapy. These are the wounds that need to be exposed to be healed. I believe what you did was a worthwhile thing, and hope your therapist honors your openness in a healing way.

I just don't think we can make the deepest kind of progress if we are always on guard, always polite, always restrained.