Failing at therapy and life

I don't think I've criticized her?? I only worry about anyone putting too much need into one person---myself included!

I really do get it-- my main T has been THAT important to me for a very long time. However, I am realizing our powerful relationship puts me in a vulnerable position, when I eventually lose him I'm screwed. I know that I need to branch out my own supports; your posts resonate because of that similarity.

But she sounds like a kind person, the less strain put on that relationship the likelihood it is to last.

Growlithing, I know you tend to reject what I have to say, but for what it's worth, I wanted to offer my experience in the hope that it might be helpful. When I was in middle school, I thought I was well liked by these two girls. I thought we were a pretty tight threesome. So one day, one of them had a note in her hand, and I was playing around and grabbed and read it. What I read was really painful in terms of learning how they really felt about me. The note was from one to the other about me. They thought I was negative and had poor social skills and only hung out with me because they felt sorry for me. I WAS negative and weird as a result of the isolation and weirdness I was raised with. After much weeping and hiding, I decided I had a choice about whether I continued to be so negative and irritating. I could CHOOSE to be a different way.

I could choose to try to say at least one positive thing in each conversation, or at least not saying something negative. I could choose to sit quietly and listen to things I didn't really care about or think were important, because the thing being discussed WAS important to the other person. I could choose to work hard at it trying to improve my social skills. Was I ready to do all of that at 13 with no support from anyone? Because quite literally, I had NO ONE, not even a counselor or therapist. No. It was agony. I was often lonely and alone and confused. Each time I saw people roll their eyes at something I said, I had to rack my brain to try to figure out what I did wrong. I had no frame of reference for what "normal" was. In college, I got therapy and worked my *** off there because I FINALLY had someone who would tell me what the **** "normal" was in terms of how to interact with others.

You have an opportunity here to look at yourself and your behavior and what you are doing that is turning people away or irritating them. It would be painful and hard work to engage in this kind of self-analysis and to try to make changes. But, you're not a child anymore. You have CHOICES. Only you can decide if you want to make choices that will improve your life rather than just perpetuate the status quo.

No I agree with you. I've had to make changes already. I had no friends in middle school so I chose to sit back and watch how people interact for about 9 months, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Back then, I was just weird and stubborn and somewhat aggressive. Being odd and quickly aggressive was my defenses. I was bullied pretty badly as a kid and eventually, I would respond by annoying the people who were bullying on me. It was kind of a stupid move on my part because I just gave them more ammo, but I didn't know any better. After watching people for a long time, I decided that I needed to pull back from all of that and I got friends.

When I was around 15, 16, that's when being overly negative and cynical set in. And the problem with that is that being positive feels like I'm either giving compliments/approval too easily thus making my approval meaning less or just straight out lying. So I then decide to hold my tongue instead but I end up just creating a ton of negative energy and I don't know how to fix that.

So yes, I agree that I need to figure out how to be less negative and stubborn