[Wandering Pony]

So my T of two years ( who is usually quite caring and attuned ) really hurt my feelings Friday. Unfortunately it was right at the end of the session. We had had a major breakthrough the week before. I asked her about something she had said....and she had no memory at all of any of it. She tried to cover by asking me " what did you think that meant? "
I replied "I don't know what you meant. That is why I am asking"
It then became quite clear she remembered only a small fraction of what we had talked about.

I got pretty upset (crying etc) but we were out of time so I pulled myself together.

To make it worse we have a routine where I email after my session for reassurance. Much of what I am in therapy for is related to childhood abuse and neglect and I often worry after a session that she will find me repulsive.

Well this time it was longer than usual because I was very hurt ( though not mean or angry)
She ALWAYS answers this email Friday evening but this time she has not responded at all. That is almost worse than the initial issue because now she is taking away the comfort of email from me.

My trust is completely blown. I have a session Monday ( my job is very seasonal and in the spring and summer it's hard for me to even make a session twice a month so we have been doing twice a week this month to try to lay some ground work before spring) and I don't even want to go.

I've also spiraled into some of the worst ed behavior I've had in years.
I don't know what to do. I know if I want to get better I should go back. But to me it's proof that the therapy relationship is all false. Which means she doesn't actually care about which makes all the rest of therapy pointless..

I know it really shouldn't matter if she cares or not. But it really does matter...

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[Leah123]

Of course it matters if she cares, and there is no proof she does not care, there is, as you named it, a rupture, which is a disconnect, a wound. These are part of all relationships, and repairing them strengthens the therapy, though I know it is very painful to be in the middle of one.

I am sorry she did not write back yet.

Perhaps you could email her once more asking for a brief acknowledgement and telling here how you are feeling right now?

Another option: what coping skills have you learned in the past two years? Writing here is a good one, what other things can you do to soothe yourself, to buy a little time until Monday? Monday's not too far, though it may feel like it!

[Wandering Pony]

I've been working a lot which is good but usually I ride my horse or walk my dogs to feel better and everything is a sheet of ice here . I sprained my knee walking out to the barn today. Tonight I've been distracting myself with a novel. Unfortunately my partner is in a foul mood due to her back hurting and my best friend is away on a trip. Usually they are good support but not so much tonight.

I thought about emailing again but I don't want to beg for attention. ...

I'm not sure I even want to go on Monday. It's a lot of money to spend to end up hurt and miserable. ..

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[Leah123]

I'm very sorry to hear that.

I understand about not wanting to beg for attention, but... you could also look at it as being assertive, honest, and taking care of yourself... maybe she would see those as positives?

I can't tell you how to get over the being unsure part... I usually just cave into my desire to repair the rupture and fix the misunderstanding, but... I can say, in retrospect, as someone who's been through several ruptures, big and small, that with a good therapist, as it sounds like you have, they heal very well, leave little trace, and improve understanding.

[Raging Quiet]

Originally Posted by Wandering Pony

I know it really shouldn't matter if she cares or not. But it really does matter...

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It does matter, the therapeutic alliance is really important and it is being challenged.

I've had a few ruptures (and am in a current one) and I've found writing t a letter and taking it to the session helpful.

My t thinks you can get to the deeper work after the rupture is out of the way. Remember to take some of your control back.

[healingme4me]

Though painful, working through a rupture can be therapeutic, especially long term, outside the therapy office. Instead of resorting to old, more comfortable patterns, such as your desire to not go tomorrow, you rebuild, patch things up, assert how it made you feel, and grow.
I've probably been through ruptures of my own, just didn't have words for conceptualization of what transpired.

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[Asiablue]

It's not that the relationship is false. It's just that it can only exist in one place and that's in the therapy room. Everything that happens in there is real. And it's really hard to accept that it can't be anywhere else or forever or transferred into anything other than it is. That's both the magic of it and the downfall of it.

I hope your T gets back to you soon, i know ruptures are horrible, i've just had a big one this week. x

[Athousandyears]

I know exactly how you feel, I'm in the same boat with my husband

[stopdog]

I have the opposite response from some others, I find a break of a week or two can help me regroup and figure out how to proceed so that I can go back to an appointment after that break with a clear sense of the situation from my viewpoint.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have the opposite response from some others, I find a break of a week or two can help me regroup and figure out how to proceed so that I can go back to an appointment after that break with a clear sense of the situation from my viewpoint.

I agree with this.

It's about looking inside and knowing what you really want to do.

Canceling an appointment is only helpful if you truly do not want to see the therapist.

Sometimes, it's hard to know whether you are canceling because you are angry and want to punish the therapist, or canceling because you honestly don't want to see the therapist.

It takes some introspection to make that decision.

In the past, my urges to cancel were really because I wanted to communicate disappointment and anger and didn't know how. But, skipping an appointment should feel like a relief, not like it would make you more upset.

It has also helped me when my own life responsibilities got in the way and I didn't have appointments on the calendar. I have appreciated those breaks.

[Wandering Pony]

Right now canceling would feel like a kind of relief....but it's kind of like the relief of canceling a dentist appointment. ..you get a short term relief but eventually you have to suck It up and go or live with an infected tooth. .....

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[Wandering Pony]

Well she finally replied to my email with a ridiculously kind and caring email. I had said u was canceling but she said she'd hold my spot in case I change my mind. Now I don't know what to do. I can face feeling more ashamed than I already do

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[Leah123]

Awe, well, please don't judge yourself for what you've said and your worries: she bungled a bit by forgetting something so important and you were upset, very reasonably, and she seems to be willing to make amends. I think that's the way it's supposed to go!

At the risk of sounding hypocritical, haha, I will admit, I've definitely been there- getting upset, showing it, then feeling ashamed of myself, thinking I got "too" upset given the situation, but you know what... a great part of my therapy has been having my therapist validate my feelings, understand my upset, and she has always been very gracious about patching those ruptures up, so I feel comfortable coming into session after a snafu like this, so maybe it won't be nearly as bad as you fear if you go tomorrow.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Wandering Pony

Well she finally replied to my email with a ridiculously kind and caring email. I had said u was canceling but she said she'd hold my spot in case I change my mind. Now I don't know what to do. I can face feeling more ashamed than I already do

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This is where the work of repairing a rupture can be so beneficial. It's incredibly uncomfortable, but once you see that she will accept you no matter what, it helps your relationship so much.