[Person66]

I feel so devastated and despondent, even suicidal over the events that have transpired lately.

I have to backtrack to explain properly.
15 years ago, I had the best psychiatrist I have ever known. (we're still friends)
He was a psychiatrist and my insurance allowed me to see him weekly and only pay 20% of his fee, through reimbursment
He was wonderful, he treated me for my depression and severe anxiety, eventually I had a psychotic break due to psychotic depression, he was able to treat me without hospitalizing me, through judicious use of anti-psychotics and therapy. Thankfully the psychosis was short lived and he stopped the anti-psychotics after a few months and I never relapsed.
Sometimes the insurance would be late reimbursing me and I couldn't afford to pay him for a week or two and he didn't mind at all, he knew I had insurance and that I'd pay him as fast as I could, which, I always did.
He never even discussed money with me.

I was devastated after over 10 years of seeing him, when he told me he was going to move to California (across the country, as I was in NYC).
But he referred me to his best friend another psychiatrist, he told me that she promised him she would look after me and provide the same level of care.

She did turn out to be an excellent psychiatrist and over the years I grew to have a great deal of affection towards her and her family. She became like family to me. I spent a great deal of money buying expensive presents for her young daughters during Christmas and their birthdays.
When she ran the NYC marathon, I backed her financial cause, and came out to cheer her on.
As I don't work on Wednesdays (the day I see her) she sometimes asks me if .i can come in earlier or later to accommodate other patients who can't make it for their usual times. I almost always say yes, even if it inconveniences me a little.
She even officiated my wedding!
She told me she cared about me more than any other patient!

I often have difficulty getting reimbursement from my insurance, but it always comes eventually.
The last time I saw her, she gave away part of my time slot without my permission . Apparently she notified me by text message and Email, but I didn't get them and never confirmed yes. She had no problem dismissing me 15 minutes early!
For what was the rest of the session, there was no actual therapy, instead she *****ed and complained about money I owed her, as my reimbursment check had not come in yet.
She said things like "I don't do this for free", "anybody else would have thrown you out by now" and "if you can afford to go to the Opera, why can't you pay me?". She has said these things many times before.
I told her my check would come and just to be patient (my check did I fact just come). I just can't afford her $350 fee without help from my insurance

The next week when I said I didn't have the money to pay her immediately, she told me not to bother to come in, and so I didn't see her for the next 3 weeks as my insurance was taking its time reimbursing me.
Previously she had accepted late payments without a single complaint, now she seems so much more money-oriented and greedy. Winter storms caused her to cancel some more visits and I haven't seen her in over a month

I was very upset when I realized that for over a month she never called or Emailed me once to ask how I was doing, not one "Are you allright"? All communication has been via text.
I was planning on seeing her this Wednesday to give her all the money I owed her, but when I called her office I found out she had left the country without even telling me

She'll be back next week.
What do you think I should tell her.

I can't go on like this, I can't see another therapist, starting over is so hard and I don't know whom to trust.

I feel abandoned by her.
I honestly want to end my life

What do you think I should do?

[growlycat]

Oh, no…P66, there are T's that really do care!!! It can be devastating to start over….I had to years ago during the worst period of my life and I can understand feeling like it isn't "worth it" to try again.

Do you have any way of contacting your old T and asking advice on the situation? Maybe he and his "friend" had a falling out and it contributed to her shift in attitude?

Please reach out to someone who can help ASAP. Someone else's greed shouldn't dictate if you live or die.

This is not at all a healthy working relationship. She is completely without boundaries. Honestly, it sounds like a break from her might be needed here.

[Syra]

That sounds so hard. I wonder if you could get a second opinion, or support, from someone - a pastor/rabbi/priest? your old psychologist in Calif? a warm line?

I had a therapist flip on me too. One with lowered boundaries so I felt lucky to have found her. It was really really hard - and I did get through it. I was able to find another therapist, who has been very good. But it took me a while. I hung on for a while, hoping we would work it out. Then I looked for someone, and still held out the possibility that I would return to the first therapist once we worked things out. The 2d therapist knew this from the beginning It was really helpful for me to have someone to talk to about it all.

I understand not wnating to find another therapist. AND I get that you don't like the way she has been treating you. I imagine as you sit with it, and as you have to make choices, you'll figure it out. I'm not saying it will be easy, just that it's not impossible, and there is relief.

[Canyon]

Person, is there a way that you can hang on till she gets back in country and then just sort of have a really honest conversation with her about where you should go from here?

Could you ask her if she feels that the therapeutic relationship can be mended and if not if she can suggest someone else to see?

I agree with others that it might be helpful to talk to your ex-psychiatrist to get some suggestions. He will probably tell you that you need to be honest with her, but at least you could sort of bounce things off of him.

Good luck to you on this. I hope you will choose to hang on and not let this cause you to hurt yourself.

[Person66]

I definately want to wait until she get's back in the country to talk to her, I'm hoping she will see at least some of her errors and apologize, but I can't imagine how I could continue with her if she feels she did nothing wrong and shows no remorse.

I do indeed plan to call my old psychiatrist (we've remained in touch over the years).

Whenever I feel suicidal, I try to give myself at least a month to wait and see if there will be any positive changes, it has worked every time since my depression is cyclical.

But I honestly can't see myself going on in a world in which money is more important to people than anything else. I honestly can't understand how money can mean more to this woman than all the kindness and affection I've shown her over so many years.

[Canyon]

((((Person))))

So sorry that you feel that you are less important than a fee (especially since she knows it is coming).

Your situation has me playing the song "Price Tag" by Jessie J in my head.

[ThunderKatt]

I find it concerning that exchanges of gifts and interactions outside of therapy are happening. This creates conflicts of interests and can lead to unfulfilled expectations (which seem to have occurred). I am sorry you feel rejected. I think perhaps a new therapist with clearer boundaries might help. Good luck!

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[Person66]

Originally Posted by ThunderKatt

I find it concerning that exchanges of gifts and interactions outside of therapy are happening. This creates conflicts of interests and can lead to unfulfilled expectations (which seem to have occurred). I am sorry you feel rejected. I think perhaps a new therapist with clearer boundaries might help. Good luck!

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I never expected anything back from her for giving her gifts, the gifts are only a small part of the immense kindness I have shown her.

I guess I can sum it up by saying that since I treated her so well, I expected to be treated respectfully in return.

[learning1]

I think it's unethical that she accepted gifts from you. You wouldn't have known, but she should have known. Also if she has been hassling you about money for a while, that's not very ethical of her. I'd start trying to find another therapist who could help you while you get through this, even though understandably you also plan to see if it can work out with your current therapist after all you've been through with her.

I'm glad you're in touch with your old therapist.

[OneWorld]

Originally Posted by ThunderKatt

I think perhaps a new therapist with clearer boundaries might help.

^^ This

She crossed so many boundaries that it doesn't sound like a therapeutic relationship anymore.

[ThunderKatt]

I think acceptance and respect are something one can expect from a therapist. I hope you don't feel like you'd need to invest any additional time, money (i.e. higher fees, gifts, etc.), or acts of kindness to deserve that. You deserve respect just walking in the door as a client.

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[Yogix]

Did you end up getting into contact with old T?

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[Willowleaf]

I hope you manage to have a conversation with her about this. This sounds like it is more about what's going on with her rather than you. Maybe she now has money problems and so needs paying promptly? It doesn't mean it's right to suddenly change boundaries, but it sounds as if she has something going on. I hope you manage to sort this when you next see her.