[rainbow8]

I'm sorry this is so long. I put the trigger on because I know that touching in therapy is controversial and can be triggering.

Many of you know that my T used to let me hold her hand. It started because we were doing IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy, and a child part of me wanted to be held, and T is the one who suggested holding her hand. We did that for at least a year, but not every session, only when I asked her, and briefly, for just a couple of minutes usually. She also allowed hugs but holding her hand felt safer and more satisfying to me.

At some point T started letting me hold her hand less, though it was always only a couple of minutes anyway. Then she didn't want to do it anymore. At the time, during one session, she claimed I was "crossing over" and that it felt sexual to her, but that's not true. That session was very weird and I became self-conscious. Later, when I brought that up she admitted it was "her stuff".

It's been a couple of years since the holding hands stopped, and the only touching has been hugs. I've seen her 4 years in all, and now I'm seeing her twice a month because I can't pay for more. It's also a very slow termination, although we may not terminate at all.

In my last 2 sessions I've been talking about wanting to be held, what I probably missed as an infant, and how I wish I could cry and be comforted. I've been more mindful in my sessions, and have hugged my T with more feeling than I used to have, so I can "take in" the hugs.

My T does somatic experiencing with me now, so we talk a lot about how and where I feel things in my body. Yesterday, in my session, she brought up about her being more available now, and something about her nervous system being calmer, and how I have a radar system that is very attuned to how she is feeling. She said holding hands triggered her back then. She suggested that we sit closer together and she put her hands on my knees or touch our feet together. I reminded her that once she put her hands on my knees when we were doing SE, and it didn't feel right to me at all. I guess she forgot that.

I didn't comment any more about it, but it bothered me so I emailed her today and asked (I won't get a response so this will be on hold for 2 weeks) if we could try holding hands again. I asked why is she offering me substitutes that are creepy and triggering for me when holding her hand always felt safe and satisfying, and I never had any bad feelings about it. It sounded like she is in a better place now, as that's what she said (I think it's because she was going through her divorce then) so she probably is not triggered any more. I don't know, though. I wrote that I understand that maybe holding my hand is still triggering and/creepy for her, and if so, that will be the end of it.

If she hadn't brought up alternatives to hand-holding, I wouldn't have brought it up again. But I don't want the alternatives! I want what felt safe and comforting. It is not going to make me more dependent on her; it's about feeling those good feelings and being able to hold them (and T) inside of me so I can eventually quit therapy when I'm ready to. I've made a lot of progress lately; I am very busy in RL and I don't feel obsessed with my T like I used to.

I'll see what she says; I wrote her that I know she can say "no", but at least I asked. At the session, when we hugged, she asked if it was long enough and if I could feel it. She's a T who believes in touching! I wondered if those whose Ts allow touch have any comments or what I can do if T says "no", we can't even try it again. I already know I can hold hands with people in my RL, but it's different in therapy. It's what we're working on --the attachment issue.

[RTerroni]

I know how you feel I asked my Therapist for a hug at session last week but she told me that she only hugs at final sessions (which is at least an improvement from a prior Therapist of mine) and a few other circumstances. I have been thinking about alternatives to a hug if I am having a very hard session, such as having her sit next to me in the couch and maybe hand clasping, but really haven't gotten into it much with her, and honestly I hope not to have as hard of a session as I had that day again.

[growlycat]

When I first got a hug from main T, it was in my 20's and we had a horrible rupture-y session…I was pacing and bawling my eyes out and he spontaneously held me. It was very healing for me, but I was startled, even scared, by his actions. He later apologized and said he made a mistake--he absolutely should have asked first.

After that, he said I had to ask for one if I needed it, it had to be for me not him, We had to talk about why and the meaning of the request, we had to talk about it to death to be sure I wasn't avoiding words, but in the end he will give me a hug under those guidelines.

I must say, exploring other gestures of caring was so important for me to learn. Sometimes he would not indulge me if he felt I was avoiding talking about how I was feeling. But I think he was trying to teach me a broader language of caring. Among many other things---he would lend me books, we would switch off getting each other coffee, we would go for walks, he would teach me practical things, he would use a soothing voice before jumping to anything physical.

This all helped me in my life to notice the myriad of forms care can take. Without his methods, I would be locked into thinking only hugs=love.

So maybe you and your T could try different things? Can you try her suggestions but of course let her know if it is trigger-y. Maybe you can both brainstorm about this.

My CBT T, on the other hand, only shook my hand in the beginning. But when he gets emotionally involved he will lean closer, or I can tell he is a lot more engaged in what I am saying when he stretches out his leg towards my chair, and his foot rests on the outer leg of my chair. Not even sure he's aware of it. But I am glad I learned to "look for evidence" of care. (because as one comedian put it, "love without evidence…is……stalking." Love that line!)

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I know how you feel I asked my Therapist for a hug at session last week but she told me that she only hugs at final sessions (which is at least an improvement from a prior Therapist of mine) and a few other circumstances. I have been thinking about alternatives to a hug if I am having a very hard session, such as having her sit next to me in the couch and maybe hand clasping, but really haven't gotten into it much with her, and honestly I hope not to have as hard of a session as I had that day again.

Thank you, RT. I hope you don't have such a hard session either. Most Ts don't offer touch, though I think that's changing from how it was years ago. It was always a fantasy of mine but I didn't think any T would touch me. It really depends on the T's orientation and personal preferences.

Originally Posted by growlycat

When I first got a hug from main T, it was in my 20's and we had a horrible rupture-y session…I was pacing and bawling my eyes out and he spontaneously held me. It was very healing for me, but I was startled, even scared, by his actions. He later apologized and said he made a mistake--he absolutely should have asked first.

After that, he said I had to ask for one if I needed it, it had to be for me not him, We had to talk about why and the meaning of the request, we had to talk about it to death to be sure I wasn't avoiding words, but in the end he will give me a hug under those guidelines.

I must say, exploring other gestures of caring was so important for me to learn. Sometimes he would not indulge me if he felt I was avoiding talking about how I was feeling. But I think he was trying to teach me a broader language of caring. Among many other things---he would lend me books, we would switch off getting each other coffee, we would go for walks, he would teach me practical things, he would use a soothing voice before jumping to anything physical.

This all helped me in my life to notice the myriad of forms care can take. Without his methods, I would be locked into thinking only hugs=love.

So maybe you and your T could try different things? Can you try her suggestions but of course let her know if it is trigger-y. Maybe you can both brainstorm about this.

My CBT T, on the other hand, only shook my hand in the beginning. But when he gets emotionally involved he will lean closer, or I can tell he is a lot more engaged in what I am saying when he stretches out his leg towards my chair, and his foot rests on the outer leg of my chair. Not even sure he's aware of it. But I am glad I learned to "look for evidence" of care. (because as one comedian put it, "love without evidence…is……stalking." Love that line!)

Thank you for sharing your experiences, growly. I never had much experience with hugs until I had children; I came from a non-hugging family. It was always awkward when close friends wanted to hug me; I avoided it or simply endured it. I think I was touch-deprived but didn't know how to accept it from people, including my own H.

It's been healing to realize how soothing touch can be for me. I know caring can be shown in many other ways. I like the way your T showed you that. I will have to wait and see what my T says. I forgot to ask her in my email, but there's something she did that was helpful. When she was trying to stop the hand holding, but I didn't realize it at the time, she pulled her hand away slowly and asked if I could still "feel" it when she let go. I could. So, maybe we could do that again.

I never resolved the hand-holding issue with her, and why she "took it away" from me. It puts a different perspective on it to hear that SHE was triggered by it. Maybe I'll have to settle for just hugs, which is okay, and visualizations of being held by my mother, which T says will help me. I could try what she suggested, as I'm in a different place than I was when it triggered me. Still, I don't want to get those "in love" parts stirred up. It's difficult to balance what I need and what's going to harm me. I usually trust my T, but sometimes I don't.

[velcro003]

I want to say Rainbow how different and more realistic/positive this post is!! You sound calm and rational about the possible responses you might get with T, and also accepting of her not responding in maybe hte way you hope. I'm really proud! I think either way this will be ok for you, because you seem to have accepted the sitauation however the cookie crumbles. Good for you.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I want to say Rainbow how different and more realistic/positive this post is!! You sound calm and rational about the possible responses you might get with T, and also accepting of her not responding in maybe hte way you hope. I'm really proud! I think either way this will be ok for you, because you seem to have accepted the sitauation however the cookie crumbles. Good for you.

I appreciate your post, velcro. Yes, I will be okay either way because I've gone a long time without holding her hand. I know we can deal with my need in some other way and that my T will let me talk about how it feels if she says "no".

[rainbow8]

oops, I wanted this to be a new idea, not an edit to my last post.
I think the following is an insight for me!!!

I'm okay because it's not really about wanting to hold my T's hand; it's about wanting the FEELINGS I get WHEN I hold her hand. If we do SE or visualizations and I can experience those same feelings, it will be much healthier for me.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm okay because it's not really about wanting to hold my T's hand; it's about wanting the FEELINGS I get WHEN I hold her hand. If we do SE or visualizations and I can experience those same feelings, it will be much healthier for me.

Exactly which is why I may ask my Therapist to hold my hand if I am having a very hard session.

[Virginia1991]

I began therapy approximately 7 months ago and became attached to my therapist surprisingly quickly. I can really relate to this thread. I have lots of issues regarding touch. I crave it and can be repulsed by it at the same time. I crave touch from nurturing, caring mother figures and cannot be touched at all by men. I am going to explore touch a little bit in therapy. I finally got the courage to ask for a hug and she said she would be happy to do it. I often times want her to sit close to me, put her hand on my back, or hold my hand. I feel ashamed for wanting theses things. My question is to Rainbow/ RTerroni..... What caused us to have these deep rooted needs? I wonder if we all come from similar backgrounds. I had a neglectful mom who would not touch/hug me. Did you guys'?

[nottrustin]

I wonder if this need goes back to early childhood and not getting the loving care that is so essential? I can definitely be wrong just curious!!

I have a weird relationship with touch. I had and AMAZING mother and we had a great bond. However it was the other people in my life who caused me to have trust and so many other issues. I notice a lot of people here that say their therapist says they have to ask for it. I can NEVER initiate touch like that for fear of invading peoples space. However, if people approach me for a hug it is so comforting. T must have known it as in the beginning she asked for a hug. The it just happened that we always hug as I am leaving.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Virginia1991

I began therapy approximately 7 months ago and became attached to my therapist surprisingly quickly. I can really relate to this thread. I have lots of issues regarding touch. I crave it and can be repulsed by it at the same time. I crave touch from nurturing, caring mother figures and cannot be touched at all by men. I am going to explore touch a little bit in therapy. I finally got the courage to ask for a hug and she said she would be happy to do it. I often times want her to sit close to me, put her hand on my back, or hold my hand. I feel ashamed for wanting theses things. My question is to Rainbow/ RTerroni..... What caused us to have these deep rooted needs? I wonder if we all come from similar backgrounds. I had a neglectful mom who would not touch/hug me. Did you guys'?

I think most who crave touch in therapy have missed it in their past. I'm different from most people who crave it, I think, because I had two loving parents. Somehow, I missed or didn't "take in" their love, and I know that we weren't a very demonstrative family. I don't remember hugs or kisses much, but I know I was loved. Some of my Ts think I was neglected during the first couple of weeks in my life because I was a preemie and was in an incubator in the days when it wasn't known how much newborn babies needed to be held.

Whatever the reason, the needs are there, and like you say, they are deep rooted. My fantasies about therapy have always been to run around the room, crying, so my T would have to physically stop me, and hold me. As if I needed to be out-of-control to ask for comfort and touch! I would be content holding my Ts hand for an entire session! It has to do with early attachment problems, my Ts have said. Maybe my mother and I didn't "fit" right. She was an anxious person so that may have something to do with it. Maybe she couldn't calm me down. I love it when my T helps me be calm.

Don't feel ashamed of your needs. If your Mom didn't touch or hug you, it makes perfect sense that you crave it now. Your T is the perfect person with whom to explore your issues about touch.

[Virginia1991]

I have that same fantasy. Sometimes it is nice to know you are not alone.

[growlycat]

Rainbow, I was a preemie too, and a sick one at that.

I think my mom did the best she could but her affection was erratic, sometimes get-over-it Tiger Mom and sometimes she was super sentimental. Most of the time, affection in my family was ridiculed. I remember telling my mom about my first crush (a young Brittish acting college student who ran a summer theater workshop.) I was teased into utter humiliation. I felt like I couldn't share my feelings with her ever again.

It was hard--growing up I craved affection deeply but had to hide that neediness. Acting tough isn't really me anyways so it was an effort to keep it up.

[rainbow8]

I was the "good child". I didn't ask for much, and I didn't want to worry my mother about anything, so I kept my needs, questions, and my feelings to myself.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Virginia1991

I have that same fantasy. Sometimes it is nice to know you are not alone.

Yes, it IS nice. I used to imagine myself tearing down the bookshelves and things so T would HAVE to restrain me but it would up with me crying and her comforting me. In the fantasy, it never ocurred to me to simply ASK to be held or comforted! When I finally got up the courage to allow T to hold my hand, and then to ask her for it when I wanted to, it was kind of amazing. I could ask and she would touch me, without having to create a disturbance for it to happen. Not that I created disturbances in RL, but in the fantasy I had to because I couldn't directly ask to be held.

[Asiablue]

Rainbow, you mentioned about your mom being an anxious person, i read about a study today that showed that newborns sensed their mothers stress and became stressed because of it. Babies do pick up a lot from their mothers.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Rainbow, you mentioned about your mom being an anxious person, i read about a study today that showed that newborns sensed their mothers stress and became stressed because of it. Babies do pick up a lot from their mothers.

My Mom suffered from anxiety all the time I knew her so I assume she must have had it when I was an infant too. I definitely and unfortunately picked up on my mother's stress, then. I wish she had done yoga or mindfulness back then! What article was it? Thanks, Asiablue.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I was the "good child". I didn't ask for much, and I didn't want to worry my mother about anything, so I kept my needs, questions, and my feelings to myself.

That was me too.