[AmysJourney]

We have this thread about the ideal client. What if we made a list of what the ideal T is like? What would be on our list?
Well, this would be mine:

1. Not cancelling sessions less than 24 hours before the appointment if it is not an absolute emergency.
2. Not letting me wait in the waiting room for 20 minutes because she takes overtime with another patient and not come out to tell me.
3. Listening attentively and not roll her eyes at what I say.
4. Not putting her feet up during sessions (unless she has a broken leg and there is a medical requirement :-)
5. Smiling a lot.
6. Not asking "How are you?" when she knows the answer.
7. Encouraging me to talk about things and not walking on eggshells because she knows I had a bad day.
8. Telling me when she thinks something is good - or bad.
9. Be honest about her relationship with me.
10. Not treat me like a case, but a person.
11. Not trying to be my mother, father or any other substitute.
12. Not trying to be my friend.
13. Look me in the eyes when I talk or when she talks.
14. Be knowledgeable about my problem and honest when she reaches a dead end.
15. Have humor.

[stopdog]

I choose therapists who will stay back, not be condescending or think they know about me, and realize they do not have a stake in my life.
The second one I see explains things.

In terms of ideal - the therapist would explain what they are doing and why they are doing it. What it is that they are doing it for - and if I agree - I will go along with it.
As it is, when the therapist will not explain, I simply stop. My choice - not that of a therapist.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I choose therapists who will stay back, not be condescending or think they know about me, and realize they do not have a stake in my life.

My T has very much a stake in my life. I even think she saved it in a way. But yes, I agree with not being condescending. I should have added that too.

[tealBumblebee]

According to your list, I have the ideal T. That's nice to know.

[HazelGirl]

Things the ideal T does:
- listening without jumping to conclusions
- acknowledging their mistakes
- asking whether they are correct
- putting the client above the treatment process (AKA: the client's experiences are more important than putting them into a "treatment box")
- having a plan
- working with a wide variety of techniques
- being open-minded and non-judgmental
- allow the type and method of contact and therapy the client needs (AKA: be flexible)
- is consistent with attitudes and boundaries
- is encouraging and hopeful

Things an ideal T should not do:
- be too involved
- shaming the client for any reason
- put-downs
- telling the client they believe they're lying, exaggerating, or making a big deal out of nothing
- inconsistent in behavior or boundaries
- judgmental
- refuses to be available in emergencies
- only uses one method of therapy and expects all clients to benefit from it equally no matter what their problem is (AKA: inflexible with their treatment modality)
- does not have supervision or accountability
- is doubtful of their client's ability to improve their life

[Ambra]

I agree with your lists and I'm really lucky, plus I need someone who doesn't pressure me and is willing to accept other means of communication if necessary as I draw a lot. And tell their opinion (if I ask for it and have good reasons for it) as I've never had a guide/suggestions and need some criteria of comparison to know how things can be perceived from the outside.

Uhm, I'm a great client as for timing/ payment/ willing to change/ homework, but I still think I'm far away from actually being the ideal client: I'm difficult to handle and convince and I think I can be pretty frustrating. The heart is slower than the mind :/

My ideal therapist is male. He is a pillar of strength. He is always straight-forward with me. He is genuine. He is available both in session and out. He cares.

[brillskep]

Wow, this is a great thread! I've bookmarked it to come back to. Thank you for starting it.

My ideal therapist:

Gets to know me, cares about me as a human, not just doing his job.
Is ethical and has a thoughtful nuanced understanding of ethics. Knows the difference between a healthy crossing of boundaries and a boundary violation, and keeps healthy boundaries.
Pays attention to the therapeutic relationship.
Is present and authentic.
Doesn't try to lecture me about who I am. Respects my experience and me as a person.
Has good understanding of the therapeutic process and discusses it openly with me.
Has ideas about what therapy should be that are similar to my own.
Is willing to stick around for long-term therapy.
Listens to what I say.
Knows s/he's important to me when s/he is and acts accordingly.
Empathizes.
Uses good pacing in therapy, respects my own rhythm and doesn't try to hurry me or slow me down.
Is involved in the therapeutic relationship - without trying to run my life.
Practices therapy legally.

I also aspire to these standards.
I don't believe anyone can really be ideal, but I respect effort, honesty, and loyalty.

[RTerroni]

I would add- hugging when the client wants to

[BlessedRhiannon]

My ideal therapist - the one I have...but less expensive!

[Yearning0723]

My ideal T is simply the kind of T who can handle me not being an ideal client.

My ideal t would be honest.
Would admit to their mistakes.
Not answer the phone in session.
Not abandon me.
Make me feel comfortable enough to open up.
They would genuinely care.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[PeeJay]

--Consistent

--Doesn't miss sessions or cancel at the last minute

--Willing to stick with me as long as I need

--Has his or her own life mostly together and doesn't use me for validation. (I had a bad experience with a T who needed more therapy than I did.)

--Caring personality

--Curious

--Well read

--Appreciation for my quirks

--Comfortable with sex, sexuality, masturbation, swear words, money, real talk

--Intuitive and insightful

...Incidentally, the T I have now isn't good with numbers, math, or dealing with technology. And I don't care. I don't need a tech-savvy therapist!

[growlithing]

Laugh. Laugh with me. Laugh at my jokes. Play with me a little bit. Don't be so serious all of the time. If I don't laugh with you, I'm not going to be comfortable telling you things about my life. I just won't be able to open up because laughter is the only thing I interpret as absolute acceptance because everything else seems subjective to me.

Also, if I swear every other word, don't even bat an eye because if I'm talking about stuff that makes me uncomfortable and I want to swear like a sailor, then dammit I'm going to unless you tell me that a particular word is upsetting to you for personal reasons in which case I will back off. Just don't tell me it isn't professional or worse "ladylike" for me to talk the way I talk.

[CantExplain]

The ideal T would be soft and warm and generous. And female.

[LadyShadow]

My T is the ideal T, although he does answer his phone sometimes in session, sometimes it bothers me sometimes it doesn't. If we were deep in conversation I don't think he would answer the phone.

But for the past seven years he has been the ideal T. I am blessed

1. Takes me to her house and encourages me to feel comfortable sitting in her lounge room or in sleeping over in her spare room.

2. Calls me between sessions to ask how I am and whether I need company

3. Supports me during challenging situations, such as job interviews, doctors visits, and so on

4. Hugs

5. Helps me carry out tasks that I have been procrastinating on.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Just don't tell me it isn't professional or worse "ladylike" for me to talk the way I talk.

Did your T tell you that?

I honestly think that my T is close to the ideal T for me - including the fact that he has some flaws that make him human.

My list is similar to many others.
These ones I get with my T:
+ strong sense of confidentiality
+ sense of humour that tallies with my own
+ punctual
+ very few cancellations
+ allows more than one session a week
+ fully bilingual, and allowing me to choose which language to speak in session (extremely uncommon characteristic, I believe)
+ calm and patient
+ very few self-disclosures
+ experienced
+ male
+ completely non-judgmental, towards me and other people
+ background in academia, which is important for me because it means he can really understand my work situation
+ ability to inspire trust
+ giving me the choice to lie down or sit up
+ sharing some fundamental principles of my world-view - there are very few that are necessary, but those really are necessary

Things I wish for:
+ shorter vacations - although that's incompatible with the level of experience that comes with increased age, and in any case I wouldn't want a T who didn't practice good self care
+ better memory for some things - T remembers a lot of things I tell him, but sometimes he forgets stuff that's rather important
+ possibly also that he'd say that he cares about me - though in reality that might freak me out, so I don't know

[nottrustin]

-is there for the most part when I need her but also have her own life so I don't want her to just be there all the time...
-compassionate, hard working, and knowledgeable
-knows when I need her to push me a little harder and know when to pull back a bit
-understand that I can be stubborn...when I tell my T I know I have been stubborn a couple of times she tells me she doesn't see it as stubborn just self protective until I am ready for change which is not a bad thing (according to her)
-look away if I am starting to cry as she knows I have a REALLY hard time if people see me crying
-reassuring me when I emotionally beating myself up for something that is not my fault or I have no control over.
-Does not use blackmail that if I don't don't do something then X will happen. She tells me what she thinks is best but that she supports me with whatever I decide to do.
-talks to me like a real person who can be irrational at times but will eventually get there.
-understands that she doesn't always know what is in my best interest and will change her mind when I explain to her why (done this a few times).
-is non judgmental..
-ideally she would not ask where my head is right at that moment (does it all the time which I hate but understand why)

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Did your T tell you that?

No. Just speculating.

[nottrustin]

-oh and have life experiences that she will share with me (obviously with limitations). I find it is easier when a provider tells me this is what I do or what I have done rather than what a books says she should say..I frequently ask T and pcp when it comes to my children...if this was YOUR child going through this then what would you do?? It is more helpful than them saying you could do this or this...

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

knows when I need her to push me a little harder and know when to pull back a bit

This for sure!

[msxyz]

I don't want an ideal therapist, if the other person seems too perfect that will only highlight my imperfections.

And I think even on an "ideal" list there will be some things more important to us than others.