I began seeing my therapist in college (2008), she was the youngest therapist there at just 7 years older than me. I started seeing her for a phobia and we were able to unpack what was fueling my fear. Our work ended with my graduation and her leaving my former university. However, she gave me her personal phone number and I began calling her, a year after graduation, when my phobia crept back up while I was away at grad school in another state. She begin offering me Skype therapy sessions when I became disillusioned with Student Psych at my grad school. The Skype sessions lasted for a year and a half and then I graduated and returned to my home state and began seeing her in person for sessions. Our work focused on my relationship issues with family and to a lesser degree, my phobia. Ultimately the phobia was treated through our work - thought it creeps up once or twice a year when I'm stressed. However my issues with working through relationships were ( and still are deep). Her therapy entailed basically loving me and giving me physical affection - non sexual. At first I thought it was transference but then during a session last year I told her I was hesitant to move for a job because I would miss her as she is like an aunt/older sister to me and no one has ever been there for me like she has for the past 6 years, sometimes risking her license, per my research. She asked me if I loved her after I shared my fear and I said yes but that I was afraid of admitting that because everyone loves their therapist but that it was almost never mutual or real. Then she asked me if I thought she loved me and I said no. She said I needed to be comfortable loving ppl even if they didn't feel the same and own my feelings. Then she said: " I love you too, very much." After that we continued to have session and had our final session just before I left the state. She gave me a gift and I've since begun work with a new therapist but my old therapist is still in my life. She sends me expensive gifts to "spoil me," she says because she knows I've never had that before. I took care of my parents growing up, and she saw it first hand so she's sympathetic. I was happy that she sent me gifts but I grew sad upon realizing that I didn't ( and still don't) know her favorite color, music etc., I don't know her well enough to send her a gift in return. I told her that and she said she would never expect one and that her gift is seeing me grow. I also realized that while she always makes herself available to me I feel like I am always doing the calling and texting. Also though she has sent me pictures of her husband and kids I feel like her secret. She had surgery and said I would not be on her husbands call list so she called to tell me it was a success but who would have told me if she had died? She also picked me up and took me out to eat one day and then her husband called while we were in the car and she said to be quiet because he didn't know where she was. Should I have a talk with her about all of this? I have not contacted her for a month hoping she would call me.

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[missbella]

I had a definite reaction to your post, and write hoping that I'm saying something you already suspect. You mentioned this yourself when you said she's risking losing her license.

As heartbreaking as this is, it sounds like she is creeping toward a relationship which ultimately would be very harming. Boundary violations often begin with the declaration that this situation is different, the people are exempt from the rules and this out of bounds behavior is therapeutic. It's referred to as the "slippery slope." Even if this goes no further, it's far beyond professional boundaries. As you know the relationship isn't "normal" because of its built-in asymmetry.

I strongly suggest either a second opinion and/or contacting
TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line In addition to resources, there is reading etc. I also suggest scanning this forum for those who had a personal relationship with the therapist and the painful aftermath.

I appreciate the strong feelings involved. There were clues in your post you have your own doubts and perhaps seek a hand to pull you out of the morass.Wishing you the best finding your way through.

Hi Missbella, thank you for your response. I do feel it's been harmful though it felt great to be cared about at first. Now I feel like I'm in a relationship where I an extremely vulnerable and that it's being called personal with the therapy power dynamics still in place. I think she means well but I feel very confused and hurt.

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[missbella]

Every boundary -crossing account I've encountered is described as extremely confusing. There are many mixed signals. The boundary crossing I experienced was far different but still extremely confusing. So many things in therapy can start with caring and the best of intentions.

That is a toxic relationship. I would end it.

I haven't contacted her in over a month and it's been hard. I don't think she really cares about me though so it's fine.

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[feralkittymom]

Glad you're pulling away. These weren't boundary crossings--they were boundary violations. I hope you can discuss the experience with your current T.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Glad you're pulling away. These weren't boundary crossings--they were boundary violations. I hope you can discuss the experience with your current T.

Unfortunately my new therapist isn't addressing it head on. He spoke with my former therapist but in our work together we haven't really touched it and it's pretty distressing because for many years she was my only support. I just received a gift from her in the email a free days ago and I felt profoundly sad.

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[stopdog]

If it were me, I would avoid the old therapist, not accept her gifts, stay out of contact, and try to move on.

[feralkittymom]

Your current therapy is your therapy: if you need to talk about what's going on, you should. It seems a bit odd to me that your current T would not want to help you with this. Has he explained why he doesn't want to discuss it?

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Your current therapy is your therapy: if you need to talk about what's going on, you should. It seems a bit odd to me that your current T would not want to help you with this. Has he explained why he doesn't want to discuss it?

No, no explanation. He says we'll get to it since my biggest issue is my inability to do well in personal relationships and things with my ex therapist fall under that.

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Originally Posted by stopdog

If it were me, I would avoid the old therapist, not accept her gifts, stay out of contact, and try to move on.

It's hard to do that because she was my support system for years and my work with her helped me conquer the phobia that led me to therapy and trust people again.

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[feralkittymom]

IDK--maybe your current T doesn't understand just how much you're struggling with this now. Perhaps you could try being extremely direct with him about needing to move this up on the agenda.

No, I don't think he understands.

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I decided to call her in light of issues with my new therapist and because I at least know she will care about what's going on with me. I am in a bad place and even plainly telling my new therapist that hasn't helped.

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[Rzay4]

Let us know how the phone call goes. Sorry your going through this.

Originally Posted by Rzay4

Let us know how the phone call goes. Sorry your going through this.

Our talk went really well. Gonna post update momentarily.

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Talked to former therapist and she stood by her choice to let our relationship be my therapy. She said she knows I never had anyone there just for me so she wants to remain that for me and she will contact me more often. I told her that I feel I don't know her and she said I do know her but that she won't burden me with her issues, she wants to be there for me. It made sense and we're planning to meet when I'm in town next. I was satisfied with the conversation. I trust her.

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[feralkittymom]

I hope you will at least push through enough to tell your current T of your plans to resume a relationship with your old T. I fear this decision will not serve you well.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=327873

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Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I hope you will at least push through enough to tell your current T of your plans to resume a relationship with your old T. I fear this decision will not serve you well.

I plan to tell him tomorrow. Honestly she is all I have aside from my fiance and she is always willing to be there for me. She said her family knows of me but that she has not shared my name in order to protect my privacy. She also stated that her mentor knows of me and that if anything happens to her they will contact me. This came up because she had surgery and I had to wait for the procedure to conclude for her to tell me she was ok. I was afraid that if something happened to her I would never know because no one important to her knew about me but she says they do. In a lot of ways she is like an aunt or maternal figure though she is not much older than me.

I don't have this in my mom. At some point I'm hoping to not need it but right now I do. I hope I don't wind up hurt but I don't have any other option and my current T could not or would not help me work through it.

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[feralkittymom]

I don't think you addressed it as thoroughly as you need to because I don't think you were clear with your T about the immediacy of your need. I never saw you post that he refused to discuss the topic, just that he didn't think it was necessary at this time.

My concerns are the degree to which your old T's behavior is aberrant, and the intensity of your perception of your need for her. I hope your T can dissuade you from the path you're on.

[CantExplain]

With regard to your old T:
If you've lost a T but gained a mother, I say you've come out ahead.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by rouge198

w her well enough to send her a gift in return. I told her that and she said she would never expect one and that her gift is seeing me grow. I also realized that while she always makes herself available to me I feel like I am always doing the calling and texting. Also though she has sent me pictures of her husband and kids I feel like her secret. She had surgery and said I would not be on her husbands call list so she called to tell me it was a success but who would have told me if she had died? She also picked me up and took me out to eat one day and then her husband called while we were in the car and she said to be quiet because he didn't know where she was. Should I have a talk with her about all of this? I have not contacted her for a month hoping she would call me.

I think your relationship with her sounds lovely, and the only thing that seems wrong is "secret" aspect you mentioned above ^. She doesn't seem to be letting this be a dual relationship, which is a good thing. That may even be why she keeps you a "secret". She sees it as not allowing you into her personal life by knowing all these little things about her and being on a special list of people to call if something goes wrong. By doing all of this, she is keeping the relationship focused on you still even though you two ended your work together. This still seems very therapeutic. Her care for you appears genuine and all of these little gestures from her are the proof. She is probably just busy and has work and family to deal with right now, which is why you have not heard from her. She could also see it as giving you space and realizing you have a life and maybe feeling like you probably don't want to be bombarded by your ex-therapist constantly and you have bigger worries such as school, work, and your own personal life.
Even though there are reasonable sounding explanations for your concerns, it would be good to address the feelings in a conversation. Tell her you realize why she may be doing this, but that it doesn't feel right or good feeling like a secret. Maybe she will have an explanation or reassure you in some way? Just an idea. I hope everything works out!

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I don't think you addressed it as thoroughly as you need to because I don't think you were clear with your T about the immediacy of your need. I never saw you post that he refused to discuss the topic, just that he didn't think it was necessary at this time.

My concerns are the degree to which your old T's behavior is aberrant, and the intensity of your perception of your need for her. I hope your T can dissuade you from the path you're on.

I feel that I need to have a healthy relationship and the one I have with her is the only one that feels like that. I should add that for the years I've known her I have gone as much as a year without seeing or contacting her and when we talk, even now, it is infrequent. I initiate the contact but it's usually only once every couple of weeks or months. This is the most I've been in touch with her in a long time and it's due in large part to my move to another state for a professional opportunity and my unhappiness with how things have been here and the the fact that I will soon be returning home for another opportunity. You are correct, her conduct is aberrant and I mentioned this to her during our talk last weekend. i told her that it has really changed me and I need to process that because while I don't expect or desire the same treatment from current therapists, her behavior sometimes confounds me.

I know she genuinely cares about me thought; I just think this relationship is not what either of us expected. I get why it is generally not recommended by the APA and other orgs. At times I am very confused. I admit that I don't think my ex T understands this totally or maybe feels she can control the uninteded consequences. She says she is being advised by other therapist and has been since she decided she cared about me.

I plan to discuss this with her in person when I return home,

As far as my issues with my current T, I discussed them with him today and will post an update on that thread momentarily.