Terminally ill clients

I feel comfortable enough in this forum now to talk about this and I would appreciate your thoughts on this topic - all thoughts, positive or negative!

As some of you have gathered, I am struggling with cancer. I have been diagnosed a few years ago and after many ups and downs it has become clear that my treatment now is only to slow down the process a little but the prognosis is pretty straight forward.
My T knows this of course and she is incredible with me.
I have found that my issues with my past (CSA) suddenly become secondary as it is not so much about learning how to live a healthier life any more but about being free from secrets and memories. I found that speaking out loud some of the memories can take the power away from them even if I don't discuss my feelings about it over and over as I would have if my situation was different. Somehow the situation forces me to focus much more on what I really want to achieve and low and behold, it's working! So that's good and my T is great in helping me work through the secrets.

But I also know my T struggles a lot with my situation. The last few times I saw her, she came to my home because I couldn't get to her office. She saw me at my lowest, most crappy looking, weakest state and it has made her cry a few times. She apologized for not being professional and I assured her that it's absolutely fine, because the human emotion of sadness is a much more real response to me right now than absolutely remaining professional.

But I find myself thinking... do I have the responsibility to "protect" her a bit more from this? How selfish am I allowed to be in a situation like this? Are T's trained in working with clients like me? And how does it affect the therapy? What is important right now?

Your opinions?

I don't like death, but I figure until I am actually dead, I am alive, so let's continue... This may not be useful to you, or to your therapist...

Therapy is all about your needs/wishes... No, you shouldn't have to protect your T form your suffering.
The problem is to find a T who can take it and stay with you. It requires a T with an excellent selfcare, support system and experience. (First client is the hardest).
Few yrs ago I was really ill, they thought I'd die. I didn't, am pretty good right now, feeling healthy thought I'm not (it can't be cured and will kill me in the end, just don't know when).
Anyway, we discussed this with my T, he was great, said he did it for few clients already and can take anything. There's a special psych term for this- following? (Probably warped due to translation,sorry) Some Ts are trained in it some don't.
Make sure your t is able to stay with you till the end- nothing worse than being "abandon" when your at your lowest.
Honestly, if my T cried (and sought reassurance) from me, I'd find a new T when I still can.

I think it's very touching that your T cried. It shows she cares. But should you protect her? Absolutely not. It's difficult for her, but probably extremely rewarding. Someone I know knew someone else who died of AIDS, and he said that it was one of the most impacting and touching things ever to walk through the death of that person with them. It is an extremely unique situation and your T will probably learn a lot and benefit from you being totally honest and open.

Oh, and I am sorry about the diagnosis. I can't imagine what that's like.

A client does not need to protect or worry about a therapist. That is why a client pays them. Therapists can take care of themselves - that is part of the bargain. They are trained.

No, it is not your job to protect the therapist.

During my sister's last fight with breast cancer, she sought out a therapist especially trained and experienced in working with cancer patients. This therapist worked with her through her treatment and through her bone marrow transplant until literally a few days before her death. The therapist was supportive and unafraid and unphased to discuss the pain and misery she was in. They discussed her fears and beliefs surrounding death. They even worked on her own funeral arrangements together in conjunction with her pastor and husband. (She literally had it all planned for us and it was beautiful.)

It was vital to her to have a therapist tough enough to handle those discussions so she could have the strength to face what she was experiencing and facing. Have you considered finding a therapist who specializes in the care of the terminally ill?

No i don't think you need to protect her. I think the fact she cried was an honest reaction and i'm glad she's in touch with her emotions enough to acknowledge and honour them. I think that will be a great help to you, that someone can stay honest with you and not treat you like a broken china doll and tip toe around you.

Do you think you could speak to her about how it's going to work between you, would it feel better to have a discussion about each others expectations?

No you don't have any responsibility to protect her, and actually I think as your therapist she does not want to be protected. Actually I think no one want's to be protected in the way you're talking about.

In my personal life, someone I know who is like a mother to me is dealing with a late stage breast cancer. I ****ing hate cancer. God how much I love this woman, I cant stand to see her hurt. I'm curious about what is going on with her all the time, I care so much and I worry. I always wonder how her treatment is going, how does she feel, is she in pain, is she afraid, will she call me if she needs to, would she tell me if she was in pain, is she dealing with this on her own, will she let me in, does she know how much I love her, how much she means to me... I'm afraid to ask her if she's not already talking about it, and when it feels like an elephant in the room I feel like it's my fault, I go home and cry and wish I could do or say something to make things easier for her. When she's not openly sharing everything I can tell, and that makes me worry more. I want her to be selfish and tell me everything and anything I can do for her, so I can do it, so I can know her even more than I already do, because I love her!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not sure how T's are trained. In my opinion though, you should be completely selfish.

If she agreed to come to your house I think that tells you she is committed to her part of the therapy, even if it is outside her training. She wept a little which was fine by you and probably for her also the best response at the time. I wouldn't worry about if it is too much since she made the choice to stand by you. This is of course hard on her but she will also probably learn and grow from the situation if she allows herself. Of course she is sad sometimes about you. But that is not going to kill her. You didn't bring cancer into the mix, it just happened. And you cannot take it away by removing yourself from her or delete it from her mind.

If she is a good therapist don't worry. And if you worry, maybe ask her if she is fine continuing with you?

Agree with the others, no need to protect. This is real life, it sounds like a good relationship; you will both struggle with what comes along, you may be giving her a great gift; to be allowed to be there for someone till the end is an honor, in that you admit her to your greatest struggle, and one, in one way or another, we all share.

Hi Amelia Maybe I'm out of place because I don't really know what you are experiencing but...
I find it very touching from your T, she really cares and in my opinion such humanity is at least good for the heart.
Concerning the urge of protecting her, no, you don't have to and it's not about being selfish, it's your therapy. I know I'm the one who wants to protect mine from the most stupid thing, but rationally I do agree that they don't need our preotection.
Instead of protecting her - which could be read as lack of trust/ fear of her reaction/ not feeling comfortable with her anymore - you could bring this up, maybe saying how you appreciated her kindness and how safe you feel with her (as far as I could understand from your posts) and then asking if she thinks she can stay now and in the future, and if she's not sure you might ask for suggestions or referrals, or someone that specializes and might be a secondary T and gradually stick, if you can and want to.
You and your therapist seem to have a great relationship and hopefully you'll have a productive and honest talk about it.

You know mine isn't trained for my issues but apart from the bad place I'm in at the moment, I wouldn't trade her with the world because... it's working. I mean: your therapist might be struggling as this is quite touching, but she might be ready to stick with you at the same time.
We're all different though and this was just my two cents...
A.

I agree that you don't need to protect your therapist. The fact that she cried shows that she really cares about you and is in touch with her emotions. She chose to be your therapist and she chose to visit you at home. If she wasn't strong enough than she wouldn't do those things. I think you have a great therapist

My opinion is that you are showing enormous courage in confronting a very difficult circumstance. But I think you can feel comfortable in your T's ability to take care of herself, and that you don't have to. I think many of us who struggle with CSA in our past have difficulty being "selfish", or putting ourselves first. It is always appropriate in therapy, whether you are facing terminal illness or anything else, to put yourself first in therapy. It says much about the kind of connected and caring human you are that you worry about your T, but that is not a worry you need to pick up and run with. Trust her to take care of you. (CSA can make this difficult as well).

I wish you the best, and thank you for starting this thread.

Thank you so much for all your VERY helpful replies, this really makes me feel better and understand thing better. It's sometimes hard for me to step out of this and try to look at it from another viewpoint, but your answer all helped so much in doing this.
THANK YOU, this is so helpful and reassuring, I appreciate it so much!

You don't need to protect your T. It's her job to be there for you once she's agreed to be your T.

Some T's are trained (or have experience) in dealing with clients in situations like yours. Others don't have that type of experience but are willing to be by your side and learn.