[Ambra]

It seems like I'm really slowing down in therapy now, and I feel like I'm at a good but dangerous point. I'm weaker than ever, like I've opened a sort of Pandora's box and I find it very hard to even open up to my (wonderful) T now. I always feel ashamed and I alternate good and dull sessions and I don't like this.
Last session I had a lot to say but then I barely spoke, with a very low voice and short sentences as everything coming in my mind seems to me too silly to be told and I felt ashamed the whole time - which is definitely a worsening. I don't know how to reverse this. I don't feel like my T said or did anything wrong, it's just too hard. Even though I need to balance sessions, after 2 sessions about just ed I can't go back to abuse work and I think she sees that. I keep talking about it because the other thing seems to me too big, scary and disgusting to be brought up and it makes me feel like I'm complaining with no reason. I know it's normal but even though I told T I understand what she said, and I really did and know she's right, I still think (unconsciously) it's my fault and it doesn't feel right to complain. But this is getting in the way of therapy and again, I don't want to have her convincing me again and everytime that it wasn't my fault. I really hate myself for this but I'm stuck because now that it's getting difficult I feel unable to uproot this stupid feeling that doesn't allow me to process this ****ing trauma properly with someone who's there to help. How can I, if I don't want to disturb? Like when I told T I might have to stop therapy for a while, she asked me why and said "because I might get a new job and I would finish later in the evening and it would be too late for you probably" while she had told me so many times she will keep me. She said it again and it must be frustrating. But I just couldn't help saying it. I don't even feel right to talk about it with T again, because I perfectly know I'm there to process these things. And the problem is not even that I don't like my therapist, because she's the perfect match. Maybe I wasn't ready for therapy? I don't know anymore.

[ahdm]

Hi Ambra. I'm very sorry you are feeling like this at the moment, I know all too well that it is not a nice place to be.

When you said you felt like you'd opened up a Pandora's Box, it really caught my eye and struck a chord. In my last session with my former T, I gave her a card with butterflies on. I didn't know the meaning of butterflies consciously, but I think in my subconscious I did; she told me about the legend of Pandora's Box, and how when Pandora opened it, a lot of horrible nasty creatures came out. But the last to come out was a butterfly, and it symbolized hope. It was the most beautiful thing she could've said to me.

I'm telling you this because I do really think that there is hope for you; it won't be the end of the world, even though it might feel like it now.

Your problems are not disgusting or silly at all. I felt exactly the same as you do now. I would strongly suggest that you write down how you feel about all of this on paper or type it up for your therapist to read in your next session. You can write about absolutely anything you want. It will definitely help her to understand and to help you make the most of your sessions and feel more comfortable in opening up and talking about difficult and scary topics.

I think anyone who tries so hard and sticks with it, even when it gets really tough, like you have been, is ready for therapy; if you weren't, surely you wouldn't have gone back after that first session? It's good that you are trying so hard to overcome the struggles you're facing - you will get through this. You have shown such strength already, and I am so proud of you that you've been able to share this with us.

If you want/need to talk to someone, you can message me if you'd like

Remember, we are always here to help and support you - you are not alone.

[Flyawayblue]

Sorry you feel this way. You're not alone and there is plenty of support here.

[AmysJourney]

Ambra,

I am so sorry you are suffering so much at this time with the very difficult things you bring up in therapy. I really sympathize with you because I had sessions like you described with almost the exact same feelings. Parts of what you write I could have written word for word.
I had a very difficult session with my T once where I finally disclosed something about something that happened to me and I felt so ashamed the whole time, that I held my scarf in front of my face just so that I didn't have to look at her or see her looking at me. I imagined that she must be filled with disgust and disbelief. I couldn't believe that there was any other reaction possible when I told her what happened to me. At some point she came to me and took the scarf away from my eyes and said: "I believe you." It was that moment that I understood that I was safe. And I think it was key to the progress I made until now. I had preconceived beliefs what she must think of me but the reality was completely different. But how could I know that if nobody ever taught me differently?

I still feel ashamed sometimes and I still feel like pulling back sometimes. But I understand now that I am there for a reason. And that reason has everything to do with me. Not the therapist. She is great but mostly she helps me understand that I am worth something. Whenever I feel like you, I remind myself that what I have experienced was real and that I am in my Ts office because I need help. You are not disturbing, you are not an inconvenience to your T. I don't know how often I sent an email or text message to my T apologizing for being an inconvenience... But the truth was, that it was in my head - it was not the reality. Your T is there to help. And it's good that you made the step to seek help.

I don't know if this helps but I know there is hope. I love what ahdm said about the butterfly.. It's actually the image that helps me the most. We are all like butterflies somehow. We are in our shell for a long time after we survived the ugly caterpillar state (sorry, but I hate caterpillars, lol) but when we emerge from our shell, we can become incredibly beautiful and free and we will have wings to fly and are not limited to crawling around the ground any more..

[Ambra]

Thank you so much. You are too kind...
I need to let my t know that this frustrating, empty, complaining person is not me. It's again the need to justify my behaviour but I think I need this to feel I'm worth listening to (like "yeah, she's not like this, she's actually a better person so I can spend my time on her"). I've told myself it's fine to be there but unconsciously I feel silly and ridiculous.
Last time T asked me to wait a while as the client before me was still there, it was the first time at all and it only took 5 minutes. She then apologized and she's done a lot for me too so that really wasn't the problem, but... I felt guilty for the boy, for arriving on time at my session while he was still there and for maybe rushing them or being in the way of something more important. And then I didn't want to play drama and tell her how much I'm actually struggling and this shame and impossibility to talk got me so frustrated that I wondered if there's hope for me if I can't help feeling so worthless.

But Ahdm, I loved your words, they were so helpful and the butterfly image is beautiful. I didn't remember about that at the end of the story.
I always write things down and T encourages it but this time I'm so scared about writing to her. I have to try.

Thanks Amelia, also for sharing your experience. I hope I find the key to unlock this too. Maybe the letter. I don't want to let T (and myself) down as I was doing good progress and now it seems like I'm suddenly relapsing and I hope I won't be dumped but that T has enough patience to wait while I slow down.

[Freewilled]

Hi ambra,

I think I understand what you mean about Pandora's box....is it like feeling like maybe you've given too much or shared beyond what you can now control? Like maybe you are now in uncharted territory and T has the answers that you are too afraid or unsure of how to ask for?

For me, I'm in a place like this in therapy quite often. I'm intellectually and rationally able to see things as they are: T is a professional, here to help for an hour a week with whatever I need help with as far as talking goes. He's not interested beyond helping me process and understand things. He cares but he's a paid professional. That's all good.

Emotionally? Well I'm a wreck. I think about him too much. I worry about what he thinks of me too much. I'm unable to speak sometimes because I'm overwhelmed with fear of how what I say will impact the therapy relationship. I'm scared and often feel much younger - like a child.

How to reconcile these two states? It's very difficult. I've found it helpful to talk to my T about these things but I'm not past it yet....I've felt this way since very early on in therapy and now it's been a year and he is still there So I'm trying to remember that....all he has done up til now. Not perfect, no. We've had a major rupture but he's still there. I think I might get into the why I'm so scared he will leave me. What does it matter? But it does. Maybe the answer to all this is in exploring the why?

Idk. Just thinking out loud how long have you been with your T? I know it's difficult but I'm proud of you for continuing to go even when it's soooo hard just to make it there. I know the feeling all too well

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Hi ambra,

I'm intellectually and rationally able to see things as they are: T is a professional, here to help for an hour a week with whatever I need help with as far as talking goes. He's not interested beyond helping me process and understand things. He cares but he's a paid professional. That's all good.

Emotionally? Well I'm a wreck. I think about him too much. I worry about what he thinks of me too much. I'm unable to speak sometimes because I'm overwhelmed with fear of how what I say will impact the therapy relationship. I'm scared and often feel much younger - like a child.

Hi Freewilled, thank you for sharing: that's exactly the same feeling, plus I feel like a sort of subhuman with my T since I shared some painful things. So now I feel dirty and ashamed in the presence of a proper person who knows the horrible things I was subjected to and I barely speak because I don't feel entitled to talk further about topics that she might be fed up of, making sessions frustrating. Last time, feeling guilty for interrupting the boy, I thought I have to do something because I need to get rid of this poisoning feeling. But I can't do it and now that I'm stuck I fear the therapist will lose her patience.

I've been with T for 6 months after the 1st one lost her patience at our 3rd session cause I wasn't disclosing and referred me to her (thank God). I wish I could ask T to just pull me from this filth so that I can break through but I know I have to do my part. T sees i'm struggling but I don't think she got an idea of how much I'm actually struggling as I used to be very focused and think rationally. I still do but disclosure changed things in front of my therapist and got me stuck. I'll probably keep being an emotional wreck too.. but I wish I was able to at least talk to her like before. Thanks for sharing the rupture thing too, it reminds me once again that good Ts are not likely to leave you in the middle of the mess.

[Freewilled]

I understand the struggle with talking in therapy, too. I have been improving (in some sessions, not all of them) but I've spent a great deal of time talking to my T about how hard it is for me to talk (!) .... Yeah. For me, I think a big part of it is the shame. I feel ashamed and my words just refuse to come out. I try to talk and it comes out all jumbled up with lots of starts and stops.

What I've learned is that therapy is HARD. The worst part for me is when I get stuck in a vortex of nothingness and completely spaced out - not knowing what the heck I'm thinking or needing or even who I am in that moment. It's hard for me to be in that state in front of someone with nowhere to hide. I think it's hard for my T too Have you talked to your T about your feelings related to the disclosures?

[Ambra]

Same here, jumbled up words and confused sentences, and I forget what I'm saying or thinking - in the middle of a sentence. It can happen, but it's happening way too often now (sometimes I wonder how she can believe I did/do customer focused jobs with lots of skype calls etc, lol!). I'm always afraid that I'm a pain in the *** in the evening because it's late, at lunchtime because I also have an ed and I wished I could have disappeared last time because I was sure I was interrupting something way more important.

Actually I haven't talked about how difficult it has become, so far. I quickly hinted at it when she asked me how disclosure felt and usually waites silently for me to put myself together. Idk, maybe I should bring it up properly? It seemed to me a bit odd to come up now and say "I can't talk to you anymore because now I feel ashamed". I'm afraid I'm exaggerating things and it's not normal or that T sees it as a problem with her and drops me.

[Freewilled]

It is hard to say what your next move should be here since I'm far from where I need to be with my T, but my intuition says tell her what you're experiencing. I would prob start by saying at the very beginning of the session, "there's something I really need to talk about but I'm not sure how." This has worked with my T in the past.

I've talked with my T about not wanting to waste his time, that he needs a break from me (since I show up every single week ad nauseum) that my late evening appt. must really annoy him, on and on and on....I'm not sure how to stop worrying about what my T thinks or feels. It's pretty rough....

[Ambra]

I didn't want to start a new thread about this so I'm updating here as usual. I went to session and I showed up a bit later - couldn't help it, I'm so stupid. I kind of froze in front of the building. Shall I go or not? Then I thought, Ambra you're not graduating - it's just your therapist, don't be stupid!
The first half went on about some cool job offers I got and I'm really happy about. I wondered if it would be of any use but then I decided that since I don't usually get satisfying feedbacks outside that room, it would be nice to also share the good things with her. It actually helped me to feel a bit more like a proper person in front of my t.
I then said how much I'm struggling. She knew it. At the end of the session T told me "you are smart, nice, you got these job offers, you worked hard and there's much more, and you did so well, I'm proud of you. You fall sometimes: it happens and doesn't nullify the work you've done" (I really didn't expect to be told this, it felt good). Then we worked on a sort of plan on how to overcome those feelings and t told me to keep going and that she is there anyway. I didn't vent as I thought I would.
I always have sooo many things left unsaid but I'm ok with it: I love the fact that I don't talk to a statue but that she helps so actively. And I wonder how I could be so scared to go to my session..