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#1
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I have issues with this. I have issues saying the words, I have issues showing it in my actions, and I have issues knowing when it's okay and when it isn't. I find that my biggest issue is that when I really like someone and then feel guilty about how attached I am to them, I'm really sarcastic or just act indifferent to them so they won't see how much I care about them. I'm terrified of people feeling like I care too much about them and then distancing themselves from me.
I realized this today with T, how we've been working together for nine months and even today in our last session she still thinks I don't like her or I resent her, when really I am incredibly fond of her (and way, way too attached, all things considered). I told her one time that I felt like I was attached to her, and this turned out very badly, and I think she also didn't realize how deep that feeling was or how hard it was for me to say. I often give people the impression that I don't like them, when really I do. I notice this with mentor figure and other adults and sometimes even with friends, and I worry that I'm pushing away the people I care about the most by treating them badly (even though I try not to - it seems to be a defense mechanism of some sort). Does anyone else have this issue or have any suggestions about it? |
![]() Anonymous43209, Anonymous59898
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#2
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OMG, yes... i did this growing up. Anyone i really really liked/loved i deliberately stayed away from, was aloof and just didn't reveal how i felt and as a result they didn't know and other kids would get attention cos they'd ask for it, go to that person for hugs etc. I was too ashamed to try and get some attention for myself or ask for hugs or for nurturing, i would have rather died.
I'm getting a bit better at it now because i am aware of why i did it and i am better at expressing myself now. But it feels sad to think that as a child i deliberately denied myself any warmth or caring.
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
![]() Anonymous59898
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#3
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Quote:
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![]() Asiablue, Freewilled
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#4
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I think I'm doing this with my t
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![]() Anonymous59898, Yearning0723
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#5
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Yeah, it's sooooo sad.
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
#6
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So how do you stop doing it?
The thing for me is that I just want people to love me. That's what I want more than anything, but I'm so scared that people won't that I just turn it off and act like I don't care because that vulnerability and that need scares people... |
#7
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Quote:
If it can help, I usually spend a huge amount of time trying to figure out what caused me to take distances or be bad to someone. I write it down and try to develop alternative options for the future - when I have time. It helps sometimes and makes me feel a bit more in control of my emotions and reactions, I was told it will be way faster and automatic after I practice it a bit. (Yes, I am this bad to people I love).
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. |
#8
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I'm glad you mentioned that Yearning. I agree that when people are told you care about them/or they just pick up on the signs...they get scared and distance themselves. It's not always advisable to be open.
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#9
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That is so frustrating and contradictory though...it's such a difficult balance to not care too much but care just enough that people feel valued and important...it feels so inauthentic and it's a source of constant anxiety for me.
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#10
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I think it's a balance between saying what you feel and not being a huge wall of emotion crashing down on someone.
I think the intensity dies down thru therapy, thru getting to know yourself better and just with time.
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
#11
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I don't think I ever tell people that I care about them, but I think that many of the people who I do care about understand that I do.
__________________
COVID-19 Survivor- 4/26/2022 |
#12
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I used to think that the people I cared about knew I cared about them, and it wasn't until I had several discussions with people who expressed surprise at my affection for them (after I'd known them for many months and felt very fond of them) that I realized I had this issue and might need to make myself more clear.
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![]() RTerroni
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