[Yearning0723]

I have issues with this. I have issues saying the words, I have issues showing it in my actions, and I have issues knowing when it's okay and when it isn't. I find that my biggest issue is that when I really like someone and then feel guilty about how attached I am to them, I'm really sarcastic or just act indifferent to them so they won't see how much I care about them. I'm terrified of people feeling like I care too much about them and then distancing themselves from me.

I realized this today with T, how we've been working together for nine months and even today in our last session she still thinks I don't like her or I resent her, when really I am incredibly fond of her (and way, way too attached, all things considered). I told her one time that I felt like I was attached to her, and this turned out very badly, and I think she also didn't realize how deep that feeling was or how hard it was for me to say.

I often give people the impression that I don't like them, when really I do. I notice this with mentor figure and other adults and sometimes even with friends, and I worry that I'm pushing away the people I care about the most by treating them badly (even though I try not to - it seems to be a defense mechanism of some sort). Does anyone else have this issue or have any suggestions about it?

[Asiablue]

OMG, yes... i did this growing up. Anyone i really really liked/loved i deliberately stayed away from, was aloof and just didn't reveal how i felt and as a result they didn't know and other kids would get attention cos they'd ask for it, go to that person for hugs etc. I was too ashamed to try and get some attention for myself or ask for hugs or for nurturing, i would have rather died.

I'm getting a bit better at it now because i am aware of why i did it and i am better at expressing myself now. But it feels sad to think that as a child i deliberately denied myself any warmth or caring.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

OMG, yes... i did this growing up. Anyone i really really liked/loved i deliberately stayed away from, was aloof and just didn't reveal how i felt and as a result they didn't know and other kids would get attention cos they'd ask for it, go to that person for hugs etc. I was too ashamed to try and get some attention for myself or ask for hugs or for nurturing, i would have rather died.

I'm getting a bit better at it now because i am aware of why i did it and i am better at expressing myself now. But it feels sad to think that as a child i deliberately denied myself any warmth or caring.

I did this even more when I was a kid...I always wanted hugs from my kindergarten teacher, which she gave out whenever a kid initiated it but she would never initiate them herself. I was always too shy to go up and give her a hug, and instead I just pretended I didn't care and looked down my nose at all the other kids who went to her every morning for hugs. So then she thought I was independent and didn't need hugs or care, when really I needed those things most of all.

[Freewilled]

I think I'm doing this with my t

[Asiablue]

Yeah, it's sooooo sad.

[Yearning0723]

So how do you stop doing it?

The thing for me is that I just want people to love me. That's what I want more than anything, but I'm so scared that people won't that I just turn it off and act like I don't care because that vulnerability and that need scares people...

[Ambra]

I was always too shy to go up and give her a hug, and instead I just pretended I didn't care and looked down my nose at all the other kids who went to her every morning for hugs. So then she thought I was independent and didn't need hugs or care, when really I needed those things most of all.

I'm not sure I have any suggestions for this but I definitely relate. I tend to be very attached to some figures too. But I've always wondered if it's wrong and I'm terribily ashamed. This is the reason why people in my life think I'm a cold person. I'm just really really shy. And I'm fond of my therapist but I'd rather die than tell her. I'd feel small and stupid (I don't mean feelings are stupid, it's just my issue) and I don't want her to laugh at me and my feelings so I dismiss them. I constantly look for signs of rejection and abandonment to "keep myself down to earth" and be prepared and try to anticipate people that will eventually leave keeping them away, but I also want constant reassurance.

If it can help, I usually spend a huge amount of time trying to figure out what caused me to take distances or be bad to someone. I write it down and try to develop alternative options for the future - when I have time. It helps sometimes and makes me feel a bit more in control of my emotions and reactions, I was told it will be way faster and automatic after I practice it a bit.
(Yes, I am this bad to people I love).

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

... but I'm so scared that people won't that I just turn it off and act like I don't care because that vulnerability and that need scares people...

I'm glad you mentioned that Yearning. I agree that when people are told you care about them/or they just pick up on the signs...they get scared and distance themselves. It's not always advisable to be open.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Heartlight

I'm glad you mentioned that Yearning. I agree that when people are told you care about them/or they just pick up on the signs...they get scared and distance themselves. It's not always advisable to be open.

That is so frustrating and contradictory though...it's such a difficult balance to not care too much but care just enough that people feel valued and important...it feels so inauthentic and it's a source of constant anxiety for me.

[Asiablue]

I think it's a balance between saying what you feel and not being a huge wall of emotion crashing down on someone.

I think the intensity dies down thru therapy, thru getting to know yourself better and just with time.

[RTerroni]

I don't think I ever tell people that I care about them, but I think that many of the people who I do care about understand that I do.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I don't think I ever tell people that I care about them, but I think that many of the people who I do care about understand that I do.

I used to think that the people I cared about knew I cared about them, and it wasn't until I had several discussions with people who expressed surprise at my affection for them (after I'd known them for many months and felt very fond of them) that I realized I had this issue and might need to make myself more clear.