Todays session was not what I had in mind but made me realize stuff

This t has a whole different style and approach of working, just like my old t said. She works very deep rooted, new t told me, I have many layers to work through.

Anyway, I wished her a happy birthday, my plans were to thank her for last session, tell her about my dissociation and my legs feeling like they are detached from my body and I cant move, and show her an abstract drawing.

Well I did that in 15 min. Then we got back to processing last weeks csa drawing, which led to my mom, which led to deep rooted anger, omg, she is so deep, goes in order, does not veer, brings me back when I change subjects.

She also wants to work on me releasing and voicing my anger feelings without feeling guilt. I know this is not cbt, I know what cbt is, she does disclose stuff about herself.

We both call each other out on stuff if we say stuff we dont like, we made that deal in the beginning.

She sounds perfect for you, Sweepy! Heck, she sounds great for me, too

Lol, I will send her too you.

And this is a good thing?????
It sounds like you are adjusting to the different style now that you are getting more comfortable about seeing new T. I hope that you are willing to keep trying her way and learn more about yourself and where the guilt belongs. You talk about drawing. If I was doing a drawing I know if anger was driving it there would be lots of red in the drawing but I ma not sure what color I would use for guilt. Now I am going to be puzzling over that for awhile. Keep up the good work Sweepy!

Good luck with your new therapist

Wow, Sweepy, it seems like she's a really good partner for you, a nice balance of creative, and direct, open and really caring. Yea!!!

You given any thought to a new metaphor for her? I liked your copilot one for your last therapist.

wow, auntie, there is red all over my drawings, in my abstract and in my csa, also black, wow, no wonder she asked me what red represented to me, omg, i have lots of red everywhere, i also use blue, but mostly my colors are red black blue some green, but mostly blue outlined in black in my abstract art. my intention is not for my art to be angry though.

I dont know what style she is using , i will have to ask. also im not sure i can do this csa talk weekly. she is trying to get me to release anger in session therapeutically verbally in drawings or something like that.

funny you should ask, using the copilot still , but today she almost crashed my damn plane, I had to call her OUT she laughed, I took the control away for a quick minute to explain the damn rules lmao, she said a word referring to (csa) that we dont use yet, I prefer the word trauma, that created heavy turbulence,I went into a frenzy, she quickly apologized, so i said just land the f%$# plane lmao, we both took a break, we laughed. she said, sorry, but I need the flight control back now, promise I wont do it again. lol

I am sorry I'm laughing, because I'm sure it was a rough spot, I know *just* how it is to hear the wrong word at the wrong time in therapy, when you have your whole heart lying out on the table, but the way you describe it is so funny.

I'm glad you two could course correct!

Its ok I have a warped sense of humor, after my frenzy, we had to laugh, I said this is our 8th session dude, and our plane is already in the hanger for maintenance lmao.. she said, im human, just give me back the control, and I said, who made you pilot? Its very good honest to the point rapport, I told her from the beginning, im very straightforward, she said she loves that quality.

Yay! This sounds amazing

What I'm finding interesting is - do you think the work you did with your last T got you ready to work on this level with this one?? Like it's serendipitous?

I've followed your threads, and that's how it reads to me, like the timing was perfect for you to meet this T?

Sort of, like a continuation, yes. Although every now and then I get this sense that im betraying my old t. Its funny, I dont mention my old t in session at all, new t told me, today, that she knows I miss her and that iis ok, and her and my old spoke alot, and my old t had nothing but nice things to say about me.

my old t prepared me well for this t, she opened an paved the way, so it was easier, its starting from the beginning, because new t wants to start from step1 on, which is good, I really had not disclosed all that much to old t. Right now im adjusting to the different therapeutic approach, she tends to go deeper and analize more, and processes my art.

It sounds like both were and are exactly what you need at different points along the therapy curve - ex T to help you discover your ability to trust people who deserve it, and now this T to dive straight in from a position that is an advantage to you and her, because you were more ready and primed to trust. Serendipity for sure!

Wow isn't that kinda of weird kind of twilight zone for sure, this is a bit confusing for me though.

What is happening now, is not what I imagined it to be, it's taken a weird turn in a matter of 8 sessions. I vowed to hate her, to not be open, or a little open, fight the process , not give it a chance, and now it's suddenly turning out to be the opposite .

Don't know if I'm betraying me.

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When i mentioned the red I was just thinking about what I notice with my journaling and if I am doing some art work I pick up on my moods by the color of the pen I use or the colored pencils I use for my doodling. I can not draw worth anything but do creative lettering. My fav colors Teal, Purple and Pink show up when I am in a good mood. But when I am stressed the warmer colors show up and when angry Red is at the top. I use very fine point felt type pens and gel glitters for my journals and never the same pen for the next entry. (can you tell I am a pen addict ?)

I do not intentionally choose a color based on what I am trying to express though. I have just noticed that when I go back to read in a journal months later I can see the mood even before I read it. My handwriting changes too. LOL

I know you have a hard time with some specific words that you prefer not to use in regards to CSA. I have a few of my own so know where you are at there. This is just a suggestion so you can think about it and talk to you T if you ant to but would it be possible for you to give your T a list of words to use instead of the ones that upset you or go into more detail about if some words are OK for her to say but not expect you to use the word. As an example I can hear the F bomb word but it is not a word in my vocabulary. I know where the roots of the reason I do not use it are and was able to tell my T where they came from with out ever saying the word.

Anyway I think you are doing a great job and making progress with new T so once again YOU DID GOOD!

You are definitely not betraying yourself by engaging in a good therapeutic relationship with somebody you feel strong rapport with and feel safe with. The opposite, in fact. You're actively on your own side